How do you tell people?

angelia50 · December 2014

When you tell someone about your breast cancer, do you say I have breast cancer or I had breast cancer? I saw someone I hadn't seen for years and told her and she said, like right now? I said well, I had surgery and hope its gone but since there is no cure, do you say had or have???

farmerlucy · December 2014

I say "had". Definitely. Makes me feel better and it is less explaining.

Hopeful82014 · December 2014

I guess it depends on your stage of treatment. If you've finished treatment and feel like it's gone, use the past tense. I'm still a work in progress, so if I discuss it I tell people I'm being treated for cancer. I don't discuss it with a lot of people, frankly, but that's the wording I've used.

In Lucy's position I'd go with her reasoning.

Good luck and best wishes for 2015 to both of you!

hummingbirdlover · December 2014

Great question, I've been wondering the same thing. I truly believe my cancer is gone thanks to surgery but I've been saying lately that I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Once I'm done with reconstruction, I will probably say I had breast cancer.

WinningSoFar · December 2014

I think the answer to 'have' or 'had' is what you are telling yourself. Quite frankly, other people hear what they want to hear. It's not about being truthful with others--it's about how we want to frame it for ourselves.

I have always used the present tense (has) because I want to remind myself that this is a condition that will be with me for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that's right for anyone but me. I'd rather not be shocked if or when my cancer raises its ugly head again. So for me, the answer is I have breast cancer. Sometimes, people scold me that I have to have a 'better attitude'. I just smile and ignore them. What do they know anyway?

sbelizabeth · December 2014

I always say "HAD." And "It's been treated and I'm fine now!"

At the same time... have some leftover Xeloda pills from the extra chemo I received after rads, and I can't bring myself to throw them away. My silly wig is still on top of my dresser, collecting dust, and I have about three dozen "chemo hats" in the storage room. My DH says get rid of it all.

angelia50 · December 2014

I want to feel the answer is "had" and I usually go ahead and tell people I had surgery but there is no cure, so its something we never know. My husband points out to the that for all we know, he has cancer and I realize, lots of people could and may not know, just like I didn't know but I say yes, but you haven't had somebody to tell you that you do and you didn't find out it was in your body and had been there for who knows how long, leaving a lot of time for it to go somewhere else. I just finished with exchange last week and I pray this is the end of it for me but that small part of my mind is saying, is it really.

exbrnxgrl · December 2014

As everyone else has mentioned, had or have depends on where you are in your treatment and for some of us, stage. Since I am stage IV, I say have, although I am in my fourth year of NED. I agree with winningsofar,people interpret what you've said in their own way. When I say I have bc and am stage IV, most people say, "But you'll be ok, right?" My response? Yes, I'm ok, for now.

Hopeful82014 · December 2014

Winning so far - your attitude is no one's business but your own. It seems as though it's considered perfectly o.k. within the bc community to tell other people what they should think and feel. I was raised to believe this was rude and having bc doesn't change that. We ALL need to be honest with ourselves and with others to the extent that it doesn't hurt them and doesn't impinge on our privacy. And that goes whether we have a "good" attitude or not

angelia50 · December 2014

I want to feel the answer is "had" and I usually go ahead and tell people I had surgery but there is no cure, so its something we never know. My husband points out to the that for all we know, he has cancer and I realize, lots of people could and may not know, just like I didn't know but I say yes, but you haven't had somebody to tell you that you do and you didn't find out it was in your body and had been there for who knows how long, leaving a lot of time for it to go somewhere else. I just finished with exchange last week and I pray this is the end of it for me but that small part of my mind is saying, is it really.

exbrnxgrl · December 2014

At stage IV, saying have instead of had is not an attitude, it's reality! Seriously, I think people mean well, but cancer is something that's difficult to discuss, so they just try to say things that they think will be helpful

Hopeful82014 · December 2014

You got that right, Caryn! (And yes - stage does enter into the discussion.)

I do think it's important to keep in mind that many of the mindless things people say or ask are motivated more by needing to say something than by rudeness, etc. People WANT to do or say the right thing but have no idea what it might be in many cases. I try to make generous allowances with that in mind, and haven't really run into too much that's been upsetting or aggravating.

Nash54 · December 2014

angelia50..."had" for me and I'm praying it never comes back!!!

angelia50 · December 2014

I do take opportunities when people ask me to point out that there is no cure because too many people, including me in the past, thought after surgery and treatment, unless they said otherwise, people were cured. I never knew there was no cure. Some people ask if I'm in remission and I said well, I'm not sure what to to call it. Right now, its just a wait and see thing and a hope and pray it never comes back and hope that my body will kill any cells that the Arimidex starves into submission.

Hopeful82014 · December 2014

I think that's a good approach, Angelia. I agree that too many people do not realize that there is no cure, no magic five year mark. You're doing a good job of helping to educate.

ruthbru · December 2014

I say 'I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007'. When they ask if I'm okay now I say 'so far, so good' and knock on wood.

angelia50 · December 2014

ruthbru, that is similar to what I sometimes say. They have asked, are you still in treatment and I say have to take meds for 10 years and of course, I was in reconstruction until last Friday, when I had exchange. I was all happy and fairly calm about it when I found out I had stage 1, grade 1 and I actually thought that meant with treatment, it was gone. I never realized until I read on here that there was no cure and even though I am glad mines not considered aggressive, its scary when I realized that the lower grade doesn't respond as well to treatment, so I guess its one of those damned if you do and damned if you don't deals.

gemmafromlondon · December 2014

I am not at all sure that it is a good idea to tell people. BC is seen as a death sentence by many and the idea of living with it makes constant inquiry necessary for others and a labelling of me as sick or carrying a fatal disease (which may of course be correct but I do not wish to look at it like that). I detest the idea of being a "victim"or "battling" a disease. Do people with other chronic conditions e.g. heart /COPD/Crohns etc. constantly refer to their health status? It embarrasses people who do not know how to respond; brings forth pity and a load of unhelpful/ridiculous statements. I have not told most of my family or friends and intend to keep it that way.

voraciousreader · December 2014

I don't discuss my BC diagnosis. However, I think the answer should be "I've been treated for breast cancer" or "I was treated for breast cancer." The former is a very general type of way for implying you are currently still being treated.....

voraciousreader · December 2014

gemma...I share your opinion. It's been almost 5 years from my diagnosis and only a handful of family and friends know that I've been treated for BC. For me,it was the best decision.

ruthbru · December 2014

I don't talk about it anymore unless someone asks me. I don't tell new people I meet unless there is a reason to do so (such as they or a family member are in some difficult medical situation & me sharing would help them). Several of my friends have been through treatment too & we might refer to something about our BC experiences in casual conversation when other friends are around, but we are at the point where we don't dwell, it's just part of our life's story. I never liked the 'victim' thing or wanted people to feel sorry for me; since I kept working, people around me had to know, but I felt that maybe I could show that one can deal with adversity and NOT be a victim.

Hopeful82014 · December 2014

I totally agree on the 'victim' label and I'm not so keen on 'survivor,' either. Maybe when I'm five years down the road or so I'll feel differently about the latter.

I'm not crazy about labels (no, really?) and have NEVER liked the phrases referring to battling cancer, etc. in obituaries. It's an issue our extended family has had to discuss quite a bit, sadly. I told my husband early on that if I died of this disease he'd better not use anything like that in my obituary unless he wanted to guarantee that I would haunt him for the rest of his life.

By the way, Ruth, I like your new photo.

ruthbru · December 2014

Thanks. I've never liked long, flowery obituaries or funerals of any kind; but realize that they speak more to the needs of the living than the deceased. I liked & hope I will follow my aunt's attitude. She planned her whole funeral down to what would be served at the luncheon & had her committal before the church service so it wouldn't delay or interrupt all the visiting at the reception afterwards!

Hopeful82014 · December 2014

You aunt sounds like one thoughtful woman!

ruthbru · December 2014

She was awesome....and Norwegian, so it was all about the food and fellowship. She absolutely would have haunted us if we hadn't done it her way!

How do you tell people?

Comments

Categories