Forcing help?? Finding Balance!

Jade645 · December 2014

Jade645 · December 2014

My mom was diagnosed last month DCIS grade 3. Everything I have read gives me all kind of hope and I feel very optimistic.

My mother is convinced she is going to die and this is the end of her in spite of all the information I have shared with her because she has symptoms since 2/14 and just got a diagnosis. Doesn't sound like she is getting much information from the doctor (who she doesn't trust anyway), but she meets with the surgeon next week (who she also doesn't like) to make a decision about treatment plan. Her doctor seems to be recommending surgery.

I live 400 miles away and I have a 4, and 5 year old and a part time job. I have already told my mom I will come down for at least one week and I will try to swing two weeks if she goes through with the surgery. She is appreciative. She ask that I not bring the kids and I understand although I will incur extra child care expenses as my husband works long hours.. we will figure it out.. and I just feel bad spending all this time thinking about me.. but I guess I'm not the only one... today my aunt who lives maybe 5 minutes from my mom called to say she would help as much as she can but she has job and truthfully limited patience and energy for these things. I know she will help, but she is worried if my mom needs more help than she can handle.. my mother consistently refuses outside help in the form of house keeper, gardener or any kind of care giver.

To add a little bit of complication my mother is also the primary care giver for my dad who is compromised health and well being. I am already fretting she will compromise her own health and recovery by not accepting outside help or being too big of a burden on my aunt.

I told my aunt we will cross that bridge when we get to it so to speak.. I am hoping given her good prognosis that it won't be a long term issue of needing maximum assistance for a prolonged period.. but I am more worried about the logistics of helping her get well than anything else right now... any advice? Can I force her to accept help??

Any advice for living a long way away and/ or dealing with someone who is unwilling to have outside help..

wrenn · December 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. It has to be so hard for you.

I had a double mastectomy and axillary node dissection (removal of nodes from underarm) and I basically needed plain tylenol the second day and no pain medication after that. Although my sister came to help I could have managed fine on my own and she left after a few days to get back to her own family. She could have left sooner but had a flight booked for later.

I managed to be able to get meals and clean cat litter but had trouble reaching things on high shelves (I had planned for this by putting things on the counter. I couldn't vacuum but that was a good thing. :-) Those things can wait. If your mom wants to remain independent i am sure she will manage. And if she runs into problems she can get help then. If she is going to have surgery she can plan ahead and make sure she has supplies (groceries etc) in ahead of time.

I think many people find it easier than they had imagined and I am hoping the same for you. Wishing you a smooth ride.

Ariom · December 2014

I agree with wrenn. I had a Umx, single mastectomy and SNB, I could not believe how much easier it was, than I expected. I didn't need any pain meds at all, in fact, I had a broken toe at the same time and it gave me more grief, than the Mx.

My Husband is a quadriplegic, but we do have help, with his care, so I didn't have to do any carer duties that involved any heavy work. My Daughter came to stay, for about 10 days to help out, but we mostly just caught up and enjoyed each others company.

I am in Australia and we do have access to help, if we require it. I had the district Nurses come every day, to strip the drain and I had a cleaning lady every week for a month. I was very grateful for all this assistance, but I could have managed without it, too. I agree with wrenn about the vacuuming and also wiping down the counters in the kitchen was difficult. I moved things from high places down to bench height and wore button front clothing. Raising your arms, is probably the most uncomfortable part, in the beginning.

If your Mother wants to remain independent, she will likely be ok, with just a few adjustments, to her normal routine. A bit of assistance in the first few days would probably be a good idea, because you can be pretty exhausted and in need of some rest. I napped quite a bit.

Your Mother is in the worst place right now, waiting and unsure of what will be happening, add to that she doesn't feel confident in the Doctor, so her fear is understandable. Please tell her there are many of us here, who were feeling just like her, when we received the same Dx. It gets much better when you know what is going on and you have a plan.

I wish you both, all the very best!

DivineMrsM · December 2014

jade, at some point, you may have to tell your mom that it's necessary for her to get outside help. With your living so far away, having a husband and small children ,your mom is going to have to adjust her way of thinking. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty that you cannot cover all the bases for both your parents. It may be a matter of pride for your mom, but if her situation has changed, then her way of thinking may need to adapt to those changes. Take it a day at a time and one step at a time. If she has other friends, relatives and neighbors around her who use any kind of outside help, you may want to inquire with them about services they pay for. And it sometimes becomes unifying if someone your mom is friends with recommends the same cleaning lady, visiting nurse or maintenance man, your mom may be more open to it if approached this way. Best wishes.

Forcing help?? Finding Balance!

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