When to let go or take a break from family that are harmful?

Tang, my PCP ( general practitioner ) is a young, ( your age ), female. I played tennis with her for years before going to her as my Dr.

She is great. She has tried to reinforce the fact that "our" dx, being stage 3 is very distressing. Having PTSD is pretty normal in our situation. If we could be confident that it wouldn't come back, we would bounce back quickly. Our risk of reoccurrence is scary. I have 2 good friends. Both dx with stage 1, both doing excellent. There risk was very small.

Getting back to our carefree, emotional health, could take a long time. I, also am so sick of thinking about it. It consumes my thoughts all the time. I keep super busy, which is a distraction.

Can you send your mom a card with a short note, or text her without having to talk to her?

Thanks, Blessings

Tangadang, SORRY......

She has escalated, I remember, as a child, my mom fighting with her sister & my father. As we aged, she went after my sis & I.

I do not know Facebook, but is there a delete button, like there is here? She really needs to delete that.

How sad....you need to take care yourself & your family. Tough time for you. Do you have siblings that will confront her? Believe me, I wouldn't. I hate confrontation. Blessings will have better advice.

Wish I could make this easier for you....hugs, Hi Ho

Tang, I am hugging you. She is escalating things to see if she can get some attention. When I took a break from my mother, she said things to the whole family to cut everyone in the family off from me. I didn't have any contact with anyone for those years. Some still don't speak to me. Your mother might be trying to assemble her 'story.' Your situation is very familiar to me!

Of course there isn't anything you can do to stop her. Can you 'block' her from FB? I don't have FB. Can you not go on her site? You are going to have to have a 'media blackout.'

Talk therapy is a good idea. Shop around. You deserve the best. Sometimes I think we spend more time shopping for an outfit than we do a therapist! Get one you really like. Sending you big hugs and hopes that you create a peaceful oasis for yourself. You deserve it. XXXXOOOO

Wowza tang. Disconnect. That is unbelievable. You need some peace. You've made a valiant effort, now save yourself. Ugg.

Tang, I would "unfriend" her on FB and block her posts.  You don't need to see that crap popping up on your wall.  I hope you find a good talk therapist. We are here when you need to vent.   (((hugs))))

Tang, Sweetie.... things are escalating for your mom. It's that time of year. And part of her knows how crazy she is, as evidenced by her taking down that ugly post. Remember, it SUCKS to be her.

Here is something I discovered about Facebook.... there are people who I accepted their "Friend Request" only to find out that their posts made me want to self-medicate in a major way. Argh! What trash! But still, I wanted access to their posts, if only to find out what might be going on with them or other people I was not "FB friends" with.

I found that if you go to Mom's home page, there will be a box near the top that says "FOLLOWING". If you uncheck that box, you will no longer see Mom's rants on your news feed.

But if you get to feeling curious, maybe to see if she has been miraculously healed (!!!) you still have the ability to type in her name in the SEARCH box at the top, and see what she has been posting.

This gives YOU all the control about what you see, and you avoid the hassle of unfriending her and perhaps changing your mind later.

Still..... it's painfully obvious that despite her time with "sponsors, counselors, therapists, and pastors", she has NOT done the work of Recovery. She is still filled with rage. And anyone in her line of fire needs to remove themselves to a safe place.

I'm really sorry it's that bad, and I'm really sorry that she has not learned a thing from what she says she has endured. It's one thing to say "I'm a flawed human being", but quite another to spew her venom on everyone else for treating her like crap.

When we go through Recovery (whether it's a 12 step program or not), one of the things we do is take an honest assessment of our actions, be accountable, and apologize to those we have hurt. We do not acknowledge our flaws, then find others to blame for them.

And while I'm on the subject , organizations like ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and Co-Dependents Anonymous, and others are incredibly valuable for those adults just figuring how how their childhood experiences made their adult "normal" go so haywire.

Here is another suggestion, and it may not be for everyone. There is an organization called Celebrate Recovery, and it is a Christian-based program for anyone in the world who has a hurt, a habit, or a hangup. It's totally family oriented, and feels like a family gathering. The meetings start with a shared meal together (donations only if you can), and there is free child care available.

Then there is a big group meeting, with lots of praise and worship songs from the band, and on alternating nights, either a testimony from a member who has gotten past the unspeakable, or a short lesson from the leader. These large meetings are boisterous and filled with singing and laughter, and if it's your first time, you will be welcomed like a long-lost relative. OR - you can sit quietly on the sidelines and not be bothered if that's your choice.

Your first meeting will be a chance to sit down one-on-one with the leader, to find out a bit about the things that are hurting you. You will be assigned to a small group, and groups are segregated by sex: men's groups and women's groups. During Small Groups you can share or pass - your choice. There's no cross-talk; no one will tell you what you SHOULD do. You just get the feeling that you are not alone.

After Small Groups, everyone meets again for dessert and coffee, and the evening is over.

Many Celebrate Recovery groups plan outings and weekend activities for those who may be struggling with loneliness, or difficulty, especially during the holidays.

Here is their website - there is always a meeting close to you. Use the CR GROUPS pull down menu to find the Group Locator tab.

http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

Bobo and Blessings and the rest of the girls on this thread you have great advice.  I hope it helps you Tang.

I have no answers.  Your mother sounds like she's in bad shape emotionally and I have really no idea how anyone can unravel such damage.

Take care of yourself Tang and if it's too much then keep your distance best you can.  I've had no contact with my niece since posting here about 4 weeks ago and I'm sleeping better now.  It's hard to make hard decisions but sometimes it must be done.  Blessings gives great advice for being able to get some clarity on these situations.

Hugs to everyone