My mom was just diagnosed...

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hopeful312
hopeful312 Member Posts: 1
edited January 2015 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My mom was diagnosed last week with breast cancer after a biopsy following a mammogram came back as positive.  We were hopeful it was early enough to need only surgery and radiation, but a meeting with her surgeon revealed she will likely need chemo as well.  The cancer is invasive with ductal and lobular features.  We do not know what stage it is yet, but her nurse navigator stated the ultrasound of her lymph nodes looked clear.  They've ordered a breast MRI for later this week then we will know more.

My mom is positive...saying she will do whatever needs to be done to beat this.  I, on the other hand, am a basket case!  I've researched every aspect of her pathology report, which is making this worse.  Her tumor was ER- and HER2+ and a grade 8.  I know this is an aggressive form of cancer, but I also know the treatments available provide a lot of hope.  We asked what stage the surgeon through the cancer was and her response was "at least 2."  

So here is my question...how do you cope with this when the one actually facing the diagnosis is stronger than you are?  I am terrified, can't sleep, and want to do nothing but spend every second with my mom.  I know that isn't possible, but the anxiousness is almost suffocating.  She's my rock!  I've told myself to not look things up online as it only makes it worse, so here I am!  

Any help you could offer would be greatly appreciated.  

Thank you!

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited October 2014

    Dear Hopeful312, welcome to Breastcancer.org. We are very sorry about your Mother's diagnosis, but she has you to support her and that is a big task, but so important and we feel you'll get great feedback regarding how others have coped in similar situations.

    The internet is a dangerous place for medical self-diagnosis as there is a lot of out-dated and poorly worded info on the Internet and general searches do not discriminate good from dubious information. Try to only read from official and quality websites.

    Talking with others on here as to how they have coped and investigating our articles on our main site www.breastcancer.org may help.

    We wish you and your mother all the best,

    The Mods

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  • mjm1
    mjm1 Member Posts: 139
    edited October 2014

    Hi hopeful312,

    I can very much relate to how you are feeling. My mum was diagnosed in january, her2, 8 points on the grading scale, and she is my best friend and my rock. It feels a bit back to front doesnt it, but i just felt like a little girl wanting my mum around all the time cos im so scared of losing her.

    Your mum probably will need chemo and herceptin, which is a miracle drug, but that is when you will find your strength and be there for her, as it can be very hard for the patient.

    The only advice i can give is to hold onto every bit of good news that comes - like the amazing treatments they have and are continuing to develop. But im still trying to figure it out 9 months in. The anxiety is less constant, but about once week the terror hits that maybe things wont go well. But so far things are going well, and i so much hope that you guys will get lots of good news. 

    Best wishes, m

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  • Michelle510
    Michelle510 Member Posts: 3
    edited October 2014

    Hi,

    I can totally relate! My mom was also diagnosed last week, at 50 years old, with IDC. We don't know stage yet either, but it is grade 2 and the surgeon measured the tumor at 5x7cm, which has me scared to death! But my mom's ultrasound of the lymph nodes also came back clear- so I am cautiously optimistic. And she also has mri of both breasts scheduled for next week; along with a pet scan too. They have already said that she will need chemo to shrink the tumor, then a mastectomy 3 or 4 months after that,  and probably radiation too. She is scheduled to get her port put in next thursday. We are meeting with the oncologist and radiation oncologist tomorrow morning. We don't know whether she is er+/-, her2 +/-, etc. But hopefully we will find out tomrw. 

    I am 26 and my world has just been turned upside down. I am a mess, I can't stop thinking and stressing about everything. My mom said she is more worried about me and now I feel bad for having her concerned about me with all that she is going through. 

    Please let me know how your mom's mri goes this week. Just curious, how old is your mom? Will keep you both in my prayers! I would never wish this on anyone, but it does feel better to know that there are ppl going through the exact same thing and know what it feels like. I feel like I can't talk to my friends about it because no one understands. I talk to my husband some, but he doesn't fully understand either.

    PM me if you want to, would be nice to keep in touch with someone who's going through the same thing at the same time.

    Mindy (me and my twin sister Michelle share this acct)

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  • pammyau
    pammyau Member Posts: 2
    edited October 2014


    Hi,
    My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 17.  I am now 41, and my mom is now 66.  I tell everyone to please remember that breast cancer is not instantly a death sentence.  Its hard and it shakes you pretty hard, but don't over think or over worry until you have something to worry about. I have been on a roller coaster, we all have, for over 20 years with moms cancer, every time she got sick we all thought it was back again and we were going to lose her soon etc etc.. I have learnt not to mourn until its time. My moms cancer has been back and treated several times over the years, and she is living a long and happy life..and remember she was diagnosed back in 90-91.. they are always coming up with better and stronger and more effective treatments..
    good luck to you and your mom..xx

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  • Mariecast
    Mariecast Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2014

    Hi all. I never knew that I will be involved in this forum. But we just go mom's mammogram results. And it indicated that she's on category 5-highly possible malignancy. Appropriate action to be taken. I know this is just the start. We were told to see a surgeon to proceed with the next steps. I am an only child and my Mon is 69 years old. I really don't know what to do next. I also have a family of my own and i am 41 years old. I don't know if I can do this at all.

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited October 2014

    Hello Mariecast, I am sorry you've had to come here, but very glad you found us. This is a great place to ask questions and receive support.

    I too, was in a similar situation, I am an only child and my Mother was Dx at about the same age as your Mother. I know how overwhelming it is. You don't have anything to go on yet and the waiting and worrying is just the worst feeling. Although a Birads5 indicates a high probability for malignancy, it isn't a done deal. You won't have a definitive answer, till there has been a biopsy and the Pathology results are in. 

    Try not to focus too much on the negative right now, stay away from Dr Google, that will just scare you! Take care of you and let your Mother talk about how she feels.

    Your Mother is lucky to have you and as scared as you are right now, if you have to, you'll do this and there is every chance you will be closer than ever. For me, it was a true awakening, where I became the care giver, for my Mother, for a while. I am grateful that I could be a part of the experience with her.

     My Mother survived another 10 years and passed from an unrelated illness. 

    I wish you both all the very best, let us know how how things are going.

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  • Mariecast
    Mariecast Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2014

    Thank you so much for replying Ariom. I will update you of what happens. Just knowing that someone is there is helping me a lot right now.

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited October 2014

    You're welcome Maricast! Hugs to you both!

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  • Mariecast
    Mariecast Member Posts: 5
    edited November 2014

    Hi. Mom had her first doctors appointment after the Mammo results. Shes scheduled to have a core needle biopsy on Friday. The doctor is a cancer surgeon and was very nice and calm. He said we still don't know yet until the biopsy results are out. Don't worry yet as we don't know anything yet. I hope I can hang on to that chance that this is not cancer.

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  • Mariecast
    Mariecast Member Posts: 5
    edited November 2014

    We met with the surgeon today who interpreted the results for us. It's invasive ductal carcinoma grade 2.

    The doctor was a pleasant person who was quite positive and helped us not to be too worried.

    It's mom's birthday on Monday so the doctor said she enjoys her week next week and surgery will be scheduled on the first week of December.

    The surgery will be a mastectomy and he said the axillary lymph node will also be removed. The doctor said its best to take one step at a time.

    At first Mom was hesitant to have her surgery too soon but doc said at least she will not have to think of it on Christmas. It will be gone by then.

    I'm feeling fine and actually I'm surprised that I am.

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  • Mariecast
    Mariecast Member Posts: 5
    edited December 2014

    Mom just underwent her mastectomy for her left breast today. She just actually came out of recovery room. Docto said surgery was a success. We will know more on the next steps after tissues and specimen from the surgery are examined. He said chemotherapy is the most likely next step after she recovers.

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited December 2014

    Hi Mariecast, so glad to hear your Mother is on the other side of the surgery now and will be able to recover before Christmas. I had my Mastectomy on the 19th of Dec 2012 and I was well enough, with a little help, to enjoy Christmas and New Year with my family. I wish you all a lovely Christmas and hope your Mother heals quickly.

    Let us know how your Mother is getting on!

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  • ClareH35
    ClareH35 Member Posts: 7
    edited December 2014

    Hi Hopeful312.

    I totally understand what you're going through. I went through the same thing with my mom.

    When she was diagnosed she was so positive and had a really good outlook on the future but I was a snivelling 35 year old child! I was so sad and really didn't know what to do or how to act. That's when I found this forum, posted about how I felt and amazingly just admitting that I wasn't coping was a huge relief! There were so many other adults that had felt that way too, just knowing I wasn't on my own really helped me accept everything.

    It's amazing how many people have felt and still feel as you do (who would've thought!) so keep posting and getting the support that you need too.

    Stay strong and all the best for you and your mom.


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  • Dani0709
    Dani0709 Member Posts: 10
    edited January 2015

    Understand your feeling. My mom just diagnosed with stage IV mets to lung, liver and bone(HER+). She will be starting treatment (taxotere, herceptin, Perjeta) this Wednesday.

    I just gave birth last month and facing all these up and downs with my messy hormone. My mom stays very strong and positive on this. I am the only child in the family and my dad is very close and attached with my mom all these years. I tried not to look up anything online and here I am as well....

    I wish I could be stronger and seems now I have trouble managing my own emotion.

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited January 2015

    Hello Dani! I am so sorry to hear what you're going through with your Mother at a time when there should be nothing but joy, in both your lives with your new baby. Life can be so cruel.

    I can't tell you how important it is to stay away from Dr Google, it will scare you with out of date information. If you need to research anything, do it here with reliable information and many women who have walked the same path who will be right here and willing to help and support.

    Your Mother is so lucky to have you, as is your Dad. I wish you and your family all the very best. There are many women here, living with stage lV breast cancer, for a very long time. Give your Mother a hug from us, let us know how you're all getting on.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited January 2015

    We second what Ariom has said, Dani. We're all here for you.

    Gentle hugs to you, your mom, and sweet baby.

    The Mods

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  • Dani0709
    Dani0709 Member Posts: 10
    edited January 2015

    Thank you so much Ariom, moderators. Your kind words means a lot to me.

    I would love to be there to support her and my dad, but sometimes too terrified to see her getting weak while my dad grows so old in just few days.

    How should I conquer the fear? I know they need me esp during chemo. I woke up every morning and takes me so much effort to step out from negative thoughts and emotion.

    I heard it's depressing to witness hair loss, should I suggest her to cut her hair and ready for wig? Or wait until the hair is falling off?


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