When to let go or take a break from family that are harmful?

tangandchris · November 2014

tangandchris · November 2014

Hi ladies

I need advice on a really tough situation that I've been dealing with for as long as I can remember....my Mother.

My mother suffers from PTSD and is very needy emotionally and generally has no filters when it comes to sharing her thoughts, feelings, etc with me. She improved somewhat during my active tx, but still was not really there for me like I wished a mother would be. My step-mother took on that role for me and I will always be grateful to her for that.

Anyway, recently we have had some family drama stir-up some old wounds and on top of it my grandmother is dying. My mother called me Tuesday to tell me she got a call that she probably wouldn't be here in a week. She then went on to tell me how she wouldn't be going to home to see her. I've heard for years and years how terrible my grandmother was/is and I just couldn't stand it when she started saying it on Tuesday.

I'm not close to my grandmother (because of my mother), but she is still my grandmother and it's hurtful. I cut my mom off and told her I had to go. I haven't talked to her since then.

So, this is long and I'll get to my point. Prior to my dx I had told my mother that I couldn't take listening to her bitterness of the past and negativity, it was just too much anymore. Now I'm back at that point. I'm still trying to recover emotionally from what I went thru this past year with the cancer. I can NOT deal with more of this stuff!!

How do I tell her this? It's such a dysfunctional relationship!! I need to protect myself and my family from negativity when possible right?

When do you let go? How do you let go?

Thanks for listening....any input would be helpful. I'm at a crossroads right now. thanks

LindaE54 · November 2014

Royse,

It sounds familiar. I cannot give you advice but I can share my experience with you. My relationship with my mother was very difficult. She passed away in 2010. She was also very needy emotionally, selfish and was a drama queen (sorry for being so blunt). One of my sisters is the same. I tried for years to patch the relationship, had therapy to help me deal with it all and everytime I thought things were getting better, bang! Here we go again in this dysfunctional roller coaster. 3 weeks ago I decided to stop the contacts with my sister. It wasn't easy to do, heartwrenching in fact, but I have to protect myself. I just cannot handle the negativity and the impact it has on me. I just don't have the energy anymore. Putting a stop to our contacts created quite a commotion in the family but they all agreed it was the best thing to do. It is very unfortunate for my sister, but a few members of my family including her daughters had already put a distance/stop to their relationship with her. I don't know what I will do in the future, but I need a break. My anxiety level decreased substantially. I have to concentrate myself on my well being and on my health. I keep my energy for people with whom I have a loving relationship. I hope you find a solution that you're comfortable with. Take great care of yourself.

Linda

Blessings2011 · November 2014

tangandchris - O.K. Here's my two cents, as you know I ALWAYS have an opinion! And please keep in mind that this is just my opinion.

Sadly, just because some people gave birth to us, does not mean that they are able to love us the way we want, or that we can love them the way we want to. Nor do we have to!!!!!

As children, we have nothing to compare it to (except for somehow knowing that our family is "different", and that somehow, we don't feel good about ourselves like other kids seem to.) We don't know enough to analyze whether the parent who is raising us is doing a good job or a crappy job.

If we are lucky, as adults we find out what "normal" is. Or at least we learn what "dysfunctional" is.

Sometimes we get parents who are just annoying or obnoxious, and we learn to put up with them, or at least set boundaries. "If you want to be around me/my husband/my children, you will NOT do "X". If it's just a case of bad behavior, sometimes that works.

But if a person's bad behavior stems from a serious mental or emotional illness or addiction, then there is no such thing as being reasonable and rational. Trying to have a conversation with a crazy person (and I mean that with all due respect and not in a mean way) will just make you crazy.

Here's the thing: as much as your mom wants this to be all about HER, it's not. Your grandmother is sick, and I'm really sorry. I'm also sorry you never had the relationship you wanted to have with her, but it appears that you had no way of creating that, given your circumstances.

Your mother will have to deal with her mother's passing, and any guilt feelings that go along with it, for the rest of her life. You can't change that; nor should you try.

You can try to reach out to your grandma at least by phone and say your goodbyes if you need to, or you can do it quietly, alone. Your feelings are justified, no matter what they are.

How do you tell your mom you've had enough? You just did. You don't owe her unconditional love, no matter how she may want you to believe that.

It's pretty simple to say that her bitterness and her negativity are making you sicker, and you are no longer able to put up with it. Blame it on your doctor, or your therapist if you need to. Say that you need to take a break, and will no longer be able to speak with her. If she wishes to write you a letter, you may or may not read it. But if she calls and starts in with her b*tching and moaning, you simply hang up the phone.

If your mother were physically hurting your child, you would think nothing of swooping in and rescuing the little one.

But it's VERY hard to do this for ourselves. We have to take a big step back and see how TOXIC parents can be, and save the child inside of us - the one who has been hurting for years.

There are relatives in my life that I have chosen to have no more contact with. The relief I felt when I made that decision was incredible. It all comes down to saying "NO" and meaning it.

At some point in the future you may be in a place where you can reach out and see if you can rebuild a relationship with your mom, but for the meantime, it's o.k. - and necessary - to just say no.

I won't play games, and I won't be manipulated.... and that makes life SO much easier.

xoxoxo

tangandchris · November 2014

Thank you Lynda for your story....it really sucks having to deal with this right? You are brave to make the decision and act on it, I know just how hard it is. ((hugs))

Blessings-you are such a blessing! Thank you for your wise words. Thank you so much for understanding exactly what I'm going thru. Have you dealt with this as well?

bobogirl · November 2014

I just wanted to say, Excellent work, Linda! And Blessings, you are really a blessing.

Tang, I swear, my mother sounds just like Linda's mother. I am in the thick of it right now too. I have other toxic people in family as well. I had a four-year break from my mom once, at the suggestion of a therapist, and it was just great. I never regretted it.

Now, unfortunately, we've moved to a town close to hers (instead of being across the country). We love our town. But we did it for our kids -- we had kids, and we didn't want to be the only family they had.

Of course, when I took a break from my mom, years ago, she made sure she estranged me from the rest of my large family, which was very tough. I don't want that kind of weirdness around my kids, especially when family is so close geographically. But my partner and I understand now that my mother is toxic and hurtful and we don't want our kids around her without us present.

My dad has bladder ca, and he is in continual chemo, which complicates things further. I think I'll wrap up my story now. I just want you to know you are heard, and you are understood, and your feelings are valid and true. It's not good for your health. I have to do my best to create a lot of distance. It's so hard to do with a crazy person (as Blessings astutely pointed out).

Just because your mother was able to ease up during your treatments does not justify the way she is treating you now. We are all your sisters, and we do not want you treated this way! XOXO

wrenn · November 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you aren't ready for a confrontation or completely removing her from your life just do what you did by cutting off conversations and then try to let it go. It takes a huge amount of energy to confront so if you can distance yourself for now until you have more strength to deal with it it might help.

If you just tell yourself "she has a mental illness that I cannot work with right now" you can ease any guilt and then just forget about it and live your life. It is what you need to heal. You don't need to explain it to anyone.

I hadn't spoken to a sister for a few years. She hasn't been in touch with her son or grandchildren for years either because they can't handle her. Last year she emailed me and asked if we could be friends because she was trying to prove to the son who dumped her that she was trying to get along. I told her there was too much drama and deception around her and that it wasn't good for me. I eventually decided to add her on facebook and to keep it light and fluffy. I don't engage in any serious stuff but simply 'like' photos of nieces and nephews. It is kind of a fake relationship thanks to the superficiality of FB. :-)

You owe yourself health and you have to figure out a comfortable way to make that happen for yourself. All the best to you.

Blessings2011 · November 2014

tangandchris - sent you a PM!!!

blondiex46 · November 2014

Tang u saidit, just say what u told us, if u would feel better then write her a letter

Linda, i go through every now n then n weed people out. If they r sucking the life out of me then "be gone" n if choose to talk to u again then i will. U teach people how 2 treat u so they don't have to deal with my anymore, no need to talk brhind my back, etc

cp418 · November 2014

Tang - I want to thank you for writing this post because it has been so helpful to me. I come from a very similar background as you describe. My parents had a terrible marriage where my sister and I heard and lived with years of emotional and psychological abuse. (father now deceased and mother age 88 and miserable.) Sadly, it had long term affects on us and has caused problems within our own marriages. Interesting how I married a man who also came from a bad family background and he has his own demons. Now I live with someone who has a horrible temper which will go on for days - flashbacks of my childhood. He will not seek therapy or talk it out - rather attack with anger. I have no words of advice except that I have walked this journey all too often. Many days I feel like I am fighting to stay alive and how dare these individuals rub me of some joy.

Blessing - your wrote a wonderful post. You should be a professional counselor if you are not one already. Hugs to all.

tangandchris · November 2014

cp418-I too married a man with family issues and interestingly enough we no longer have anything to do with his mother. That is for a whole other topic!

I'm not making light of this, believe me I just use humor as a coping mechanism I guess. CP I feel for you, my parents had a terrible marriage as well and I remember so many times hearing my parents argue. It definitely caused issues for me....but even with that and so much more I've tried to remain a "good" daughter and be there for mom. It just is never enough!

I'm learning that this has to do with my inability to create and maintain healthy boundaries with people that I am close to. I understand the concept but I am still not the greatest at executing it. This is where my mom comes in big time. So, I had considered writing her a letter about taking a break and I didn't. It seems from her FB page that she has decided to remove herself from family ties on her own. I'm just going to leave things as they are for now.

I think having gone thru BC and all the hell that goes along with the dx is making me stronger in ways that I'm still learning. At least I hope so. My desire to be a "good girl" is slowly diminishing....and that is a good thing

Charlottesmommy · November 2014

tangandchris

I have had a toxic relationship with my mother since I was a teen. The first time we didn't speak to each other was for about 2 years. the second was about 7 years. Both times were after blowups. this time it has been about 7 1/2 years. I got tired of calling her and waiting for her to call back. Thankfully, I had/have a wonderful stepmother to see me through my late teens and 20's, and now. I haven't even called to let her know about my cancer. When I stop to think about it, it does hurt that my mother wants nothing to do with me, but handling the almost "in your face" rejection would be worse now, and I don't want to beg someone who doesn't know me anymore in my life. I have friends and family member in different Anonymous groups, and they have a couple of bits of wisdom I choose to remind myself when the going gets tough:

The Three C's:

I didn't Cause it

I can't Control it

I can't Cure it

The Serenity Prayer:

(God) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things that I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Btw, humor is a GREAT coping mechanism. Sarcasm, when judiciously applied, can be helpfull also.

Cut1epie · November 2014

My situation with my mother is so similar to all of yours but much worse.

🔹She didn't raise me or a brother who is now deceased and now at age 75 she has so much guilt but she plays the victim.

🔹She blames everyone for all of the poor decisions she's made and she refuses to accept any responsibility.

🔹My sister and I have a very close relationship and my mother knows it. We can't tell her about anything we do together because she gets angry. Because she has no friends, she wants us to be her friends but in a competitive way. She refuses to grow up.

🔹She tells us that her friends (whomever they are) tells her that we are jealous of her. We just want a mother! Is that being jealous?

🔹Whenever she and I have a disagreement, She accuses me of not liking her and being jealous of her because she didn't raise me.

🔹At every family gathering, she must be the center of attention and she makes that happen at any cost. Since I've been diagnosed, we've had gatherings and she has done or said things to hurt or embarass:

1. Dancing and partying and coming over to me and trying to exorcise the devil out of me because I was feeling down.

2. In an effort to be the center of attention came out of the blue and said all men cheated. In front of family that was there, told my husband she loved him but she believes he cheats. My husband has not gotten over that.

3. Last weekend , prior to Thanksgiving, 7 of my cousins came 4 hours out of town to take care of me for the weekend. All the conversations turned into conversations about her, her dating a 50 year old and how all the young women where she works are jealous of her and how the women at the senior citizen building where she lives are jealous of her.

4. She brought up a hurtful issue that she accused my cousin of doing 35 years ago that was told to her by a fortune teller. This destroyed their relationship for years. She still holds it against my cousin and pretty much told her so. After she created the drama, she then played the victim. My sister wasn't there but in an effort to destroy or harm our relationship, she implied to my sister that she should not discuss her business with me.

🔹My mother has 3 sisters who she has no relationship with because my mother thinks they are two old although they are only 2 to 3 years older than she.

🔹I have a strong support system, friends, relatives, so many people who sends me cards, weekly, gifts, messages, visits, etc. i had all the many cards and gifts set up on my dining room table to be a lift me up when I was down. My mother is amazed every time she sees all the love I get. She once said no one did all that her.

🔹She's still working at 75 because all she does is shop. The little SS she gets pays her rent and utilities. Anything big financially, my sister, two brothers and I have to pay.

What I have told you is minimal to what I can really tell you. She was 15 when I was born and 16 when my deceased brother was born. I believe she blames us for all of the bad things that happened to her in her life and not the bad decisions she made and continues to make. No she didnt raise us but she did raise 3 other siblings. I don't know who had it worse growing up us or them because of her poor decisions. She EXPECTS us to take care of her but she didnt do a thing for her aging parents.

I've decided to distance myself from her and any family members who have a problem with it until I'm done with all of my treatment. I' m tired of the drama!

goodprognosis · November 2014

Oh girls! I'm so sorry for all of us with bad family relationships. My mother and father did a job on me and my siblings too and one brother married a woman who didn't speak to me for 25 years after he left her! How I was to blame I still don't know.

Now this brother's daughter, my niece- who I loved very much has turned out very muc like my disturbed mother and her own disturbed mother in one person. I won't add all the problems I've had in the past few years, but she had a couple of children that she felt I should be there to help her raise - I've retired from all that, did the best I could with all my nieces and nephews years ago, but I think she had a terrible upbringing, left with a disturbed mother by my own brother and her negativity is terrible and I don't feel I can take any more of it - I have my own ball and chain of neurosis to drag around after me. When she didn't even contact me when she heard of my diagnosis or after my hospital stay or ask after my DH who was in the hospital 7 days before me with heart problems that broke my heart and I began to realise she only cared about herself and her life. She is suffering, but I'm unable to fix it.

Dont want to go on too long here but recently I told her that if she didn't want me to call to see her and her children she could just tell me as I am feeling the silence of her disapproval of my involvement with her children. I was pushed out of the house and told to never come down again, that I had attacked her, that I had done this in front of her child, (which is true but I said it in a normal tone) and the child is only 4 years old. I think my niece's behaviour is what would have upset her child. Anyway, I have not been in contact with her for a few weeks now and I don't know what to do for he best as I love her but feel I cannot take her 'endless problems' with everyone anymore.

I feel now that I will stay away -I've been told to after all. The problem is that she lives only a few streets away from me and I hate atmosphere and don't want her children to suffer for our fall out so must be polite when I see her.

This has brought another big problem into my life an emotional one, but who said live was supposed to be easy I guess.

I'm so sorry for us all, when we're ill and supposed to avoid stress and negativity, what are we to do when we have toxic families?

Tangandchris what a great post you have created here for all of us to vent a little. I hope you don't think I've hijacked this post. If I have any insights to give, I will post but at the moment, as you can see by this post, I'm not in a good place with family either.

Hugs and blessings to you all.

(((((()))))))

Blessings2011 · November 2014

I just want to emphasize a point I made in my original response: if you have children, and one of your parents or relatives were trying to physically harm one of your kids, you would be there in a heartbeat, roaring like a mama bear.

But somehow it's so much easier to do that for our kids (or others) than ourselves.

WE are the ones who deserve protection, and if we don't get it from parents or parental figures, we have to find that place within ourselves to feel safe and protected from those toxic relatives or friends.... And if we have trouble finding that place, this is where a good therapist can help create a roadmap for us.

We no longer have to be "good girls"..... we are now STRONG WOMEN. Look at everything we have survived!

The bullies had better back off!!!

Katarina · November 2014

A toxic or mentally ill parent can make survivorship a challenge. I won't go into my mother's behavior but suffice it to say I have taken the advice of my therapist and enacted the "no contact" or "low contact" approach. It was made easier with my cancer diagnosis. I do believe she has harmed me most of my life, she can't give what she doesn't have, and remaining in contact will further compromise my survival - if I let her do that!

I'm hearing lots of common themes and symptoms from you ladies. Please read: "I'll Never be Good Enough" Healing daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Dr. Sheryl McBride. I think you'll find your answers and peace with your decision on this question.

I pray for all who are sick, suffering and need healing. That includes my mother.

Hugs,

Katarina

bobogirl · November 2014

Katarina, you are so smart and good. And Blessings -- you are just the best person ever, and I wish you lived on my street so we could meet for coffee! We would talk about anything but my mother

I am working on the 'low contact' thing, having done the no contact in the past -- can't do it now, I have small children of my own, and I feel they should see my parents (with supervision by me).

It's funny, goodprognosis -- I am fighting lingering feelings your niece has! I can't help thinking my mother should be helping more with the kids. We moved closer so they could know family (not just her). I thought, with all of this, she'd be over helping more -- taking the kids out to the park, bringing a meal or takeout, lifting things I couldn't lift at one time -- but there was none of that. I've had six surgeries this year -- well, my sixth one in two weeks. Mentally I am 'over' the fact that my mom is not going to help, but it pops into my mind sometimes when I need help. When I think about my own little daughter -- when I think about anyone treating her the way my mom treats me -- my heart just breaks. I would never treat my daughter this way. If she -- god forbid -- ever went though this, I would want to be there for her every second.

goodprognosis · December 2014

Hi bobogirl. I understand what you say as I have some guilt feelings about not being in my niece’s life like she wants me to be, but I just can’t do it and I never said I would. If she had ever asked me I would have explained myself best I could. I tried to see as much as I could of my nieces and nephews when they were all young but feel I've retired now and I can’t change the way I live my life just because she has moved near me and has had 2 children. I never had children myself and though I love her, did not rear her. She has carried terrible negativity from her upbringing with her and it’s hard to take. She constantly criticises everyone around her. No one can do anything right, talks behind everyone’s back continuously.(And she’s right – they are all crazy and selfish), maybe me included!. I know she’s damaged, I was too by my own upbringing and find I now need to distance myself from the neurosis of my family. I come out of her house with my energy drained and it takes me weeks to get over it. I feel she had unrealistic expectations of me when she had her children. I’m her older aunt, 61 now and have had 3 surgeries this year myself – none of which she has even acknowledged. Our relationship was only one way and with the best will in the world, you can’t sustain a relationship like that for ever.

I guess you could say I had unrealistic expectations from her as well. I thought she cared about me and my life and loved me too, but I don’t think she even thinks about me or my DH at all. She has never contacted me – not in any way. Not even by phone, or by calling to see me, sending me a note, etc. If I didn’t contact her there would be no contact. But she expects me to keep in constant contact with her. Sadly, I began to slowly realise that I was allowed to be involved in her life but she had absolutely no respect for the fact that I also had a life. I’m not saying she deliberately set out to hurt me, in fact I think it is worse than that. Without trying to hurt me, she just had no time to spare any thought for me, for she didn’t really think I had a life at all.

I felt her constant silent disapproval of me and the time I gave to her children and now know that if I don’t put in the time or effort that she decides I should with her children, then I might as well not come down to see her and the children at all. She is a controlling person – exactly like my mother and if I have learned anything in my life it’s that you can never please a person like that. You can’t anticipate what they want all the time – nor should you have to and there is no pleasing them as one day you will disappoint them and trying not to is exhausting.

I don’t know what your own relationship with your mother is and I’m sorry that it’s not working out for you but maybe a word of advice would be to just let her come to see you when she wants to – I know it’s hard but otherwise maybe tell her how you feel if you think you can broach the subject. She may not realise what you need. You are her daughter after all which is somewhat different than my situation.
Not an excuse for me but just being realistic.

Sorry for going on and on.....Hoping things will improve for all of us.

keepthefaith · December 2014

All of your posts hit home with me in one way or another. My (former)Step-daughter and her husband have been the toxic people in my life for several years and with my BC DX last yr, I have decided I don't have the time, energy or will to let it go on any longer. I have had several conversations with her about it; most of them one-sided. I understand she has problems, but I can't fix them and am not going to let her stress me out anymore. I wish I could see her children, but I won't be inviting them over for the holidays unless I hear from her. I am tired of being the one that has to initiate contact only to be ridiculed for not doing enough, or doing more for someone else, etc. Her Dad has re-married, so they can deal with her. I have known her since she was 5 yrs old and it has been a grieving process for me. When her and her husband were having problems a few months ago, I allowed her, her dog and her kids to stay with me for a week. She went back to her abusive relationship and I haven't heard from her since. I pray for them and love them, but can't be a part of their lives right now. Thanks for reading and posting! It is reality and we need to do what's best for ourselves.

bobogirl · December 2014

Hi keepthefaith! That sounds so hard. Goodprognosis, that situation with your niece is different from mine in so many ways, but similar too! I hate to think of you being drained for weeks after a visit with her. It's funny, but that's how I feel after I visit my mother. I also feel her 'silent disapproval' all the time when I am there. She is always criticizing my parenting. It seems, try as I might, I can't do anything right. Wait -- are my mom and your niece twins?

You give good advice. That's basically what I am doing. When she comes to visit -- and she usually does when she's in town helping my brother, who she much prefers -- we have a visit.

Hugs to everyone who is suffering. XOXO

Blessings2011 · December 2014

Aw, bobogirl.... I'd love to sit and have coffee and chat..... xoxoxoxo

One of the things I learned how to say about those toxic people in my life was: IT MUST SUCK TO BE THEM!

Seriously. They cannot be happy,they cannot be secure, and whatever dysfunction it is that it causing them to be so hateful must be eating them up from the inside out.

We are better than that. We know how precious life is. We know what is important in this life. We just have to believe that we deserve that peace and that serenity, and that self-love that comes with knowing that we have done what we needed to do to create harmony out of chaos.

Yay for us all!!!!

bobogirl · December 2014

Blessings, you are a goddess!

goodprognosis · December 2014

Hi all

keepthefaith. I think that's great to pray for your step daughter. That's what I do to for my niece, every night. These people are hurting badly - I once read people like that described- like 'walking around with an open wound, it can never heal'. God help those who give them all this pain and trouble though I know they are hurting too - it's a viscous circle!! And I get what you say about it being a grieving process, well said.

bobogirl. Yes, the silent disapproval is I think a subtle form of bullying. You're not sure what it's about but you feel it. Now that I've called my niece on it, I feel she will never want me around again as she would be afraid I wouldn't meekly take it and would bring it up again. All bullies are cowards underneath. (though I hate to call her that as I do love her and I'm sure she doesn't really mean to hurt, it's the only way she knows, she's just striking out from all her own sorrow, disappointment and pain. And strange you say your mother and her could be twins - I think all those damaged people are very alike. I'm sure it's not that she much prefers your brother but simply that he has a different personality that she finds easier to push around!

Keep your chin up and you always have this board to vent!!!

Blessings2011. IT MUST SUCK TO BE THEM. How right you are and that's what we have to remember all the time. Love the ones who love you and just be kind to those that don't.

Oh poor tangandchris who started this thread. - You see what you started! Winking I hope you've gotten some helpful points from all of us posting here.

Hugs to everyone(((())))

tangandchris · December 2014

I'm glad this resonated with so many.....but I'm sad so many deal with this stuff too.

My mother is hurting and that is why it can be so hard to put the boundary up, but her pain cannot dictate my feelings anymore. This has been a pattern since I was a kid, I can remember clearly being in the 6th grade and this happening. I know she didn't intend to be hurtful, but she was/is and I can't keep doing this.

I am considering shutting down my FB for awhile too. Over the last few weeks it has been a source of family drama rather than enjoyment and I'm over it. I see her posts about how terrible her life is and I instantly feel guilty. Not to mention her private messages about stuff.

I don't know, I'm not so good at this stuff, but I'm learning.

((hugs))

bobogirl · December 2014

Poor Tang. I am sending you hugs.

You sound so wise. I hope you start thinking of yourself more and more!

tangandchris · December 2014

bobogirl-wise? LOL wow...I truly take that as a compliment because I feel nothing close to wise.

BTW....can I come have coffee too!!

bobogirl · December 2014

OMG, yes! Come right now!

bobogirl · December 2014

This is wise:

it can be so hard to put the boundary up, but her pain cannot dictate my feelings anymore. This has been a pattern since I was a kid, I can remember clearly being in the 6th grade and this happening. I know she didn't intend to be hurtful, but she was/is and I can't keep doing this.

Holeinone · December 2014

Tang, YOU are wise...& tough as nails.....

I moved 1,000 miles away from my mom at the age of 19. She was a sad, manipulating person. I am not proud of my distance, but I did it for my mental well being. She would call me, complain about everything. I told her once she was blaming me for her problems when I was a child. She should of been taking care of me, not the other way around.

I think taking a break for the holidays is a good idea. I am not on FB, but thank goodness my mom did not have access to that!

tangandchris · December 2014

Struggling today ladies.....

I've been feeling down since yesterday, just a general down feeling. I'm thinking about my mom and that I literally haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks. I know her mom is very ill and I'm feeling so guilty about not talking to her, but at the same time I just can't bring myself to do it again right now. The longer I stay away the harder it is to reach out.

I am struggling too just in general with my feelings about having cancer and what it means for the rest of my days. I keep thinking about how I had BC and didn't even know it until actual dx....so maybe I could have it now and not know it. I'm feeling very PTSD'ish and like I just want to cry. How do you get past this??

Ironic that I'm not wanting to deal with my mother who has ptsd and I'm complaining that I feel like I've developed the same thing. ugggg

bobogirl · December 2014

I leap to your aid, Tang! Do you have top-drawer shrink? You need someone in your corner. Who cares what your mom's issues are (for the moment)? Let's take care of you.

You DO have PTSD -- we all do, I think -- and you do need someone to help you 'unpack' that. You've got to spend time taking care of you to make sure to live your life to the fullest. Poor Tang! I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed (and to not call your mom. Haven't called mine since Thanksgiving)

Sending you hugs. XOXO

When to let go or take a break from family that are harmful?

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