43 - Just Diagnosed - Wondering what to tell the kids?

Hi Staggerleigh-

First off, we want to welcome you to our community here at Breastcancer.org. We're sorry for what brings you here, but we're glad you've found us.

We're sure some of our members will chime in shortly with their experiences, but in the meantime, we wanted to direct you to some information from our main site that you might find helpful. Here's some info about talking to older kids and teens about your diagnosis: http://www.breastcancer.org/tips/telling_family/ol.... Also, you might connect with this blog, which offers a more personal story: http://community.breastcancer.org/blog/telling-kid....

The important thing to consider is that no one knows your kids better than you do, so only you can gauge how/what they're able to process at their ages. There's no right or wrong, only what works for your family. We hope you'll stick around and continue posting, we'll be thinking of you!

The Mods

My girls were 12 and 9 at the time, and I told them I had cancer, and that it would need to be treated which might make me a bit tired and grumpy at times, but that I would be fine (I already knew I would need radiation but not chemo at that point). I was diagnosed about 6 weeks after my mother, who had a mastectomy with no other treatment and they had just seen her the day before laughing and smiling at Thanksgiving dinner, so I think for them, that helped a bit as it made them see it as something treatable.

Other than what I described saying above, I restricted myself to answering any questions they had, but not bringing it up otherwise. I figured that if they wanted to talk about it they would, and if not, they wouldn't bring it up. They mostly didn't.

I did what Annette said. I knew for about a month before I told them. I waited until just before I started chemo (it came before surgery). I figured the less time they had to know the better. My kids are 13 and 11. They did ask if I was going to die and I told them that there are great medicines and doctors and they believed ( I did not use the word promise) that I was going to live a long healthy life. They were settled with that. Luckily chemo didn't slow me down too much and I was able to work. I think seeing me up and about helped them to put it in perspective. Once I had my lumpectomy and found that I was cancer free, that went a long way in resting their remaining fears, if any. I won't lie, telling them was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Once it was out, I felt great relief. Hugs... it will get better. Linda

I had a clean mammo, but followed five minutes later with an ultrasound that eventually led to diagnosis of a palpable 2cm mass. I normally have multiple palpable cysts at all times - self exam was useless for me, so I was always diligent about annual screening.  After I was diagnosed I went back to thank the radiologist for following with an ultrasound and then recommending a biopsy.  He could have skipped the US and said that since nothing showed on the mammo that I should come back next year.  I was node positive and Her2+, it could potentially have been disastrous.

I'm 42 and just recently diagnosed with IDC too. I'm post mastectomy and just started chemo (hopefully you won't have to do that). I have 4 boys ages 12, 9, 7 and 3. We told them right away after my diagnosis. We let them know that I would be feeling sick and lose my hair and it would be a long process. We told them that I have very good doctors and they are going to work very hard to make me better. That is my go to answer when they ask if I'm going to die. My 9 year old let his teacher know and I asked that a counselor be available to them at school. They have seen me cry (something I don't do often but get over whelmed at times) and I let them know that sometimes I get overwhelmed. I also try to answer their questions as honestly as I can. My 9 year old was very concerned about me being bald and has asked a bunch of times when I was going to get a wig (I still have my hair) so when I went wig shopping I took a pic of me with the one I chose on and showed it to him. Both my older 2 are sweet and ask often how I feel. My younger 2 don't understand so we just check in with my 7 year old but don't bring up cancer often.

It was hard to tell them but it would've been impossible to not. They would've figured something was up and been more scared ( I think).

I'm mostly a stay at home mom. Taking care of my 3 year old is kicking my butt with chemo but there's not much I can do about that. Luckily I have an awesome hubby, he does a lot when he gets home from work. I did have a part time job and took a leave of absence from that.

So about mammos...mine was negative 10 months before my lump was found. I'm considered "low risk" so I wasn't even due for another one until Oct. 2015. My OB found my 2.8 cm lump during my annual exam. Dense tissue here too. BUT it seems like you have been going to experts and they have had a very close eye on you. It sounds like chances are they caught yours very early.

Everybody says it but I'll say it again. Right now, where you are at, the initial diagnosis, is the scariest time. Once you get all the info and a plan a lot of that fear turns into focus on kicking cancers butt!

Staggerleigh

so sorry about your dx. But, as others have said, the industry has come a long way. My kids were 12 and 7. I couldn't tell them-I was so upset. No bc in my family, led a healthy life--I was terrified. My h told them, separately. He thought (and he was right) that the 7 year old needed different info than the 12 year old. Both of my kids have had classmates with cancer so they saw the situation as completely solvable. I am not sure they were ever scared, and my h is to thank for that.

I did work through chemo, have a demanding job, but was able to move things around and others helped out, so that made a difference. My onc once said that the kids" will take their cues from you".. and that was true. We never panicked or showed them that we were scared (and there was good reason since the prognosis was excellent).

I am also in the club of a clean mammogram 6 months before the lump was found in my regular physical--so, I do get mammograms, but every other year I have an MRI….

Best of luck

Hello. I am very sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Like you I have recently been diagnosed with IDC and have been stumped as to whether I should give my two children the details. The diagnosis has been a rollercoaster for us adults, so I initially spared them the worry and heartache. My husband has gone ahead and told our 14 year old everything. We have since had lengthy discussions about my upcoming surgery and care. I have reassured him all the while. My younger child, is 10 years old, only knows that I will have surgery. I'm concerned with fearing her, before I know the details of the treatment. My surgery is set for Dec. 11th for a lumpectomy with node dissection.

Hoping for the best!

Hi Staggerleigh. I was 41 when diagnosed 2 years ago w/stage 2, grade 2 IDC and metastatic adenocarcinoma. It was beyond scary. I have 2 boys, they were 10 and 15 at the time. I couldn't tell them...I let my husband do it after we determined I would have to go through chemo. That's the hardest part is thinking about how it all will affect them. We didn't give a lot of details, just that I would feel bad for a while but would be fine. I never let them see me with no hair. I didn't want them to have to think about it and have that image in their head.

I worked all through treatment. I had a lumpectomy on Thursday and was back at work on Monday. Chemo was scheduled for Thursdays and didn't kick in too terribly bad until late Friday night/Saturday. I even took my laptop to treatments to keep busy during them. I did miss several days when my hair started falling out but for the most part, things were still routine (as much as they could be). I would think it would depend on how strenuous your job is. I worked as an accounting manager at the time and spent most of the day sitting. I think if your job requires standing or a lot or physical effort, it may require you to be out more during chemo. Radiation was a bit painful as the skin can get raw and tight. It wasn't too terribly bad, typing and crunching numbers but if I had to have used my arm muchfor lifting or raising it over my head, it would've been pretty painful. I was very fortunate to have been able to work all the way to keep my mind busy. I think if at all possible, it's best to try keep the same routine as much as possible, especially when kids are involved.

I wish you the very best of luck. Stay strong

I was just diagnosed with IDC, Grade 2, 3cm mass/tumor. My last mammo was in March and it was clear! It seems that a fair amount of people find the lumps by self-exam, like I did (and I wasn't ever too regular or careful about those, either). It's rather discouraging that the mammos didn't catch it, but what can you do? (My family history was just one aunt who had BC at age 60+.)

I don't have kids, but I have one sister and her son that I'm very close to. He's 16 and my sister told him--I'm not exactly sure how, but my sister has had friends with cancer so I guess she has thought about how to do it. He's old enough and we're all being as positive as possible, so it shouldn't be too stressful for him. It's only been like a week for me! I barely know how I'm feeling, much less how to everyone else is taking it. I have a feeling this is stressing out my sister a lot (we're the only siblings and just a year apart). I tried not to tell her anything until I got definitive news of breast cancer... but she still wanted ALL the test results--and some aren't even back yet. So it's hard to say how people will deal with things, although I kind of suspected she'd be very upset and concerned and running about trying to find out things, etc.

Much Good luck and Good wishes sent your way!

Hi Staggerleigh-

You may want to ask your question over on our rads forums, there're a lot of really knowledgeable ladies over there!

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/70

The Mods