A year after the diagnosis....Letter of Advice to Myself

What a fantastic thread! A year ago when I was diagnosed I was immersed in an insanely terrifying fear. I found this website, https://ohlife.com/timecapsule and wrote a email to myself to be read a year latter. I cry every time I read it. I completely forgot about it until I received it as scheduled this year. And so, I wrote a new one to my future self to be read this time next year. God is good. Thank you everyone who helped me through the most frightening year of my life.

I know when your friends were diagnosed with this monster, you felt helpless and really wanted to do anything you could to help them. Your friends feel the same way about you. Allow them to help. It will not only help lighten your load, but you will be helping your friends cope as well...win-win.

Remember that you and only you are ultimately in charge of your health and care. If you are not satisfied, get another opinion. Doctors are human too and they don't know everything. Some doctors are compassionate and some are arrogant. Find one that works with you and for you, and be prepared to advocate fro yourself.

One day at a time. You an do this. You will do this.

I just found this article in the Huffington Post. The author is a leukemia survivor:

The Things I Wish I Were Told When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer by Jeff Tomszek

Your relationships are about to change. All of them. Some will get stronger. They will probably not be with the people you would expect. The people you want to handle this well might not be able to for a variety of reasons. Some of the reasons will be selfish. Some of them will be entirely innocent and circumstantial. All of them will be forgivable because no one plans for cancer. Carrying bitterness or anger won't help your recovery. Fighting for anyone to stick with you won't cure you. Those who can, will. 

You will be determined to have more energy than you do. You will convince yourself that you are thinking straight, are able to handle all of this and do not need anyone. You will run out fuel. Your body will change first and your mind will follow. You won't lose your mind, memories or sensibility. It will all come back. But, you will be different. You will never have the same sense of self. You should embrace this. Your old self was probably really great. Your transformed self will be even better. Give into what is happening and trust it. 

You are going to feel fear. Even if you are normally stubborn, confident and seemingly invincible you will finally find yourself admitting that you are scared of something. Cancer is scary and incredibly confusing. The unknowing will eat at you worse than the disease itself. You'll need distractions. Music and sleep will probably be the ones you resort to most. Reading will become difficult. So will watching TV or movies, having conversations, writing and basically everything else. They call it "chemo brain" for a reason. You will feel normal eventually. Just a new kind of normal. When you feel afraid let yourself lean on those around you. Cry. Be vulnerable. You are vulnerable. There will be time for strength, but never admitting weakness will cause anxiety to mount and your condition to worsen. Let it all out. Yell if you need to. Sing when you feel up to it. Sob uncontrollably. Apologize for your mood swings. Treatments and prescriptions will often be the cause of them. The people that love you will understand. 

The people that love you will be just as scared as you are. Probably more. They will be worrying even when they are smiling. They will assume you are in more pain than you are. They will be thinking about you dying and preparing for life without you. They will go through a process that you will never understand just like they will never understand the process you are going through. Let them process. Forgive them when they don't understand. Exercise patience when you can. Know that those that were built for this will be there when you get to the other side and you will all be able to laugh together again. You'll cry together too. Then you'll get to a place where you will just live in the world again together and that is when you know that you have beaten this. 

The sooner you recognize that you are mortal, the sooner you can create the mentality for survival. There is a chance you might not make it. Just like there is a chance that you will. Don't look at statistics. You are unique and what is happening inside you is unique. Your fight is yours alone and there are too many factors to compare yourself to others that have had your condition. No one will want you to think about death, but you won't have a choice. You will think about it from the moment you are given your diagnosis. Come to terms with it. Calmly accept it. Then, shift every thought you have into believing that you won't die. You are going to beat this. Your mental focus on that fact will be more powerful than any treatment you receive. 

Your doctors and nurses will become your source of comfort. You will feel safe with them. If you do not feel safe with them you need to change your care provider immediately. There is no time to waste. This shouldn't be a game played on anyone's terms but yours. When you find the right caretakers you will know immediately. Do not let insurance, money or red tape prevent you from getting the treatment you deserve. This is your only shot. There is always a way. Find those hands that you trust your life in and willingly give it to them. They will quickly bring you a sense of calm. They will spend time answering your questions. There will be no stupid questions to them. They won't do anything besides make you feel like you are the most important life that exists. They will never make you feel like they don't have things in control. They will be honest and accessible at all times. They might even become your friends. You might celebrate with them over drinks months or years after they have cured you. They deserve your gratitude, respect and appreciation daily. If you get upset at them during treatment know that they'll forgive you. They get that you're going through something they can't imagine- but they understand better than anyone. They see it every day and they choose to be there because they want to make the worst experience of your life more tolerable. 

You will need to find balance after treatment. Start by seeking balance during treatment. Eat well. Sleep well. Listen to your body. Explore meditation. Experiment with new forms of exercise that aren't so demanding. Embrace massage and other body therapies. Go to therapy. A therapist will be able to guide you through your journey in ways you could never fathom. Do not be too proud to speak to someone. You cannot afford to store up the intensity of the emotion that comes with fighting a life-threatening illness. Let it out for yourself. You will begin to hear your voice changing. That voice is who you are becoming in the face of mortality. Listen to that voice. It will be the purest, most authentic version of you that you have ever known. Bring that person into the world -- strengths and vulnerabilities and everything between. Be that person forever. 

You will inspire others. It will feel weird. People you haven't spoken to since grade school will be in touch. Ex-girlfriends, former colleagues... even people you felt never wanted to talk to you again. The influx of interest in your seemingly fading life will be greater than any living moment you have ever experienced. That support is what will shift a fading life into a surviving one. Be grateful for every message. Be appreciative of each gift and each visit. There will be moments where all of this attention will make you feel lonelier than you have ever felt in your life. In a hospital room full of people with messages stuffing your inbox, voicemail and mailbox you will find yourself feeling completely alone. This is when you will realize that you could afford to have a stronger relationship with yourself. That only you walk this earth with 100% investment in you. Make the investment and use this as an opportunity to reexamine your self-worth. Love yourself more than ever and recognize how much love there is for you in the world. Then start sharing that love. You will come to see that even when you are the neediest person you know you can still be giving. Giving will make you feel better than taking.

When you get to the other side you won't believe it. They will tell you the disease is gone. Everyone you know will rejoice and return back to their lives. You'll constantly wonder if it is coming back. Slowly this feeling will fade, but cancer will always be a part of you. It will define how you see the world moving forward. You're going to feel like the future is a funny thing to think about because the present is going to suddenly seem incredibly important. Keep moving. You'll be more productive. You'll understand who truly loves you because they will still be there. You'll want to meet new people that connect to the newly evolved version of your old self. You'll want to let go of those that don't "get" who you are now. You'll feel a little guilty doing it. Then, you'll move on. You don't have time to waste. The greatest gift you've been given is that you now understand that and you're going to make the most of every second. You're going to be the most passionate person you know going forward. Translate that passion to a greater purpose. Be fearless again. 

Excellent Ruth. So true

GREAT topic starter Jbokland!

Hoping more ladies chime in with their letters of advice

Ruthbru - Thank you for posting that. I think I will now write a letter to my husband to thank him for all the million things he has done right this year. Secretly he thinks he has done everything wrong. Even the most bumbling person in my life did nothing wrong this year. This is a great thread.

You are welcome. I thought it was the most articulate and accurate synopsis I had ever read. LCH, I was scared to death of chemo too but found that thinking about it was worse than doing it. I tried to think of the chemo drugs as Navy Seals working FOR me....out there hunting down the terrorist cancer cells, who would kill me, for sure, it they got the chance.

Since October 20th my days have all bled together to where I feel like I have been engulfed in a nightmare I can't wake up from. However, I am blessed to have a dear friend that went through this and recommended her team of Doctors and they have been beyond caring and comforting and wonderful.

And this site has given me a family that understands what we/I am truly going through and feeling; it is a gift and how I would rather none of us ever experience this ride on the cancer roller coaster I am grateful to you all as sisters in pink!!

God Bless you All,

Lara

Thank you for these words of wisdom, support and encouragement. Having just been diagnosed last week, my thoughts are nothing but a jumble, nor do I know yet any information regarding my cancer, next week when I get home. I can tell this site will be just what I'm going to need.

Hello Biker, so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Welcome to our family, this site is amazing for answers, information, comfort, and even to simply vent your feelings to those that have already been where you are now. I pray the best for you!! And goodluck in your fight!

GodBless,

Lara

PS...Stay away from Dr. Google!! Lol

Biker-

Welcome to our community! We're so sorry for what brings you here, it's such a scary time, but we're so glad you've joined us. Thinking of you!

The Mods

yes, good point gramma and jb. Write things down, everything when going through treatment. Feelings, dates of tests, treatments, results, people's names (of course doctors but also assistants, nurses). You think you will never forget things but with the chemo brain and just it all being an out of body experience it is all hard to remember. Ask for all test results and office notes. I now have a big binder. I do wish I had written more of my feelings. Thanks for reminding us to be gratful, even with thanksgiving just recently behind us I needed the reminder. I will Enjoy the cold fresh air, the snow, the icicles, the Hanukkah and Christmas lights, the smell of pine, the smell of latkes, the smell of christmas cookies, the feel of a snow ball in my hands, the feel of a warm fire, cozy socks.....