Body image concerns 5 years post bmx - feeling vulnerable
Hello everyone, i had a bilateral, no recon, five years ago. I have not had complications from it. But recently I have recognized some longstanding concerns about how I look, to my husband and to others.
Recently I went to a "girls night" overnight trip at my friends vacation home. There was a gym there, hot tub, etc. i had many concerns about what would happen if I had to share a bedroom, about the hot tub, changing room, etc. i felt ashamed of my body, or if not ashamed, ar least very concerned and self conscious. I even felt a panic attack kind of feeling late at night there in my room.
All these years, I really don't let my husband see my naked chest. I have great bras, slips, all kinds of pretty things for intimate times, but he doesn't see the real me. Today I went to him and askd him to look and touch my scars amd bumpy chest. He was very loving and supportive - still, I feel somehow bad about myself.
Does anyone feel like this? Do you show your significant other your bare chest? Do you feel vulernable in social situations like gyms or hot tubs? How do tou manage these situations and feelings? I appreciate any insight. I think I have buried these feeling for five years now.....
Comments
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i am 2.5 years post UMX and feel same as you, no one sees me and I avoid sharing rooms, changing rooms, gym changing rooms, erc as I feel so ashamed and uncomfortable, it would be too much exposure for me......i cannot have a bath as I cannot relax naked, upsets me too much.
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i am 2.5 years post UMX and feel same as you, no one sees me and I avoid sharing rooms, changing rooms, gym changing rooms, erc as I feel so ashamed and uncomfortable, it would be too much exposure for me......i cannot have a bath as I cannot relax naked, upsets me too much.
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I don't have a problem exposing myself to other women. I don't like that my BS left excess skin, so that I'm lumpy and not flat, but otherwise, it is what it is. However, I'm not married and have not been dating,, so not sure how I would feel in an intimate situation. -
glennie, how do other women react, say in a dressing room or something like that? Are they startled or feel sorry?
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I am 2 yrs post UMX and my DH has never seen my chest. I've never been the type to walk around naked anyway. Wear a nightie for sleeping, robe for going to & from shower. Don't do gyms or hot tubs or anything like that. Would never strip down in front of strangers regardless, but now, definitely not. No way. I might change clothes in front of close female friends but the bra would stay on for sure.
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A few seem startled, but I just go about my business and they seem to adjust. I think that anyone might be initially startled when they see a missed arm or leg too, but then people adjust. I think our minds are expecting to see certain things in certain places and when they are not there,, we can be startled for a few minutes. -
how do you feel when you see their reaction Glennie?
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I am an arm amputee (19 years), had UMX 9 years ago and second MX two months ago. My husband died about five years after the amputation, and I have not had any intimate encounters since. However, from the rest of the world, although stares are not uncommon, the really amazing thing is how little the rest of the world notices ... i have not worn either arm or breast prostheses. When sharing hotel or changing rooms, I am most self-conscious about my various flabby and wrinkly bits ... but generally, the only people who notice much are other amputees or (infrequently) other bc sisters.
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It doesn't bother me. No one has a perfect body. I'm more self conscious about my fat thighs. *they could feed a small village*
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Beacon, I truly appreciate you sharing how you feel. I am 5 years out also, and feel very much the same as you do. I choose to not wear breast forms because of discomfort and pain. I have truncal LE and after around 7 hours, everything hurts.
I have not let myself be seen since the mastectomies, I do not make any big secret, I just turn my back to dress. I feel vulnerable to not have a cami on, like I am even more bare than naked, if that makes sense. It is a very uncomfortable feeling, beings I was not overly modest before. My husband is 100 % loving and supportive, but I just feel badly about myself. I have been thinking if I bought more lacy sexy cami's I could feel better about myself, but I see this is not working for you.
I am hard on myself and always have been, maybe my discomfort comes from this. I don't know. One thing I am very sure of though is reconstruction would not have been right for me, I have seen reconstructed breasts and I would not feel good about that either. I think for some of us, breast cancer/surgery and all that is involved has left some degree of PTSD and this comes out in may ways : feeling bad about ourselves, not accepting the beauty of being a survivor, not allowing people who love us to truly love us as we are. PTSD can cause all of these feelings.
Thanks for voicing your thoughts, I relate and it has helped me to express myself.
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I have very similar feelings to Glennie. My first experience in a change room wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I also feel more embarrassed about my belly and thighs, than my scar. lol
I really couldn't care less, what people think. So I had a brutal surgery, it can startle people and it can be a conversation starter too, I don't mind talking about it. I haven't had any negative reactions, or any of those "oh poor you" comments.
I showed my chest to my Husband the day after my surgery, when I got home from the Hospital, when it was at its worst. I had purchased several pairs of pajamas, thinking I would have to cover up, where I never had before, but his reaction of "Hey, that will heal really well and You don't need 2 boobs to be gorgeous!" was all I needed to feel confident and the pajamas went straight to the Opp Shop. Almost 2 years on and I still don't have any reservations about my Husband seeing my chest. One of my favorite things, if you can call it that, is how I can snuggle closer to my Husband now and I can feel his heartbeat, through my flat side.
My situation is a little different too. My Husband is a C5/6 quadriplegic, from a hang gliding accident 37 years ago, so having lived through his struggle since we got together, over 15 years ago, has given me a different perspective on how this surgery affected me. His total and unswerving support for me, has also made it a pretty easy transition.
My Mother had a radical Mx, in '94, just 4 months after we lost my Dad. I looked after her after her surgery and her amazing attitude and wicked sense of humor gave me insight, that I didn't really know I had absorbed, which has helped me a lot, with adjusting too.
crystalphm makes a very good point, I know that I would never have been comfortable with reconstruction either. So it is what it is.
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Airom
What an amazing perspective and I love your husbands point of view. Thank you for sharing.
To Beacon800, I had reconstruction and yet have the same feelings you do. I take care to hide my scars even from myself. I considered getting a giant, but beautiful tattoo to distract my eyes from my scars but was discouraged by my lymphedema therapist so I will live with this body as it is.
I really just want to say you are not alone with your feelings and I'm not sure how we can deal, if ever, with our body image concerns. But I do want you to know that if the day comes and I have to replace my implants, I will opt for no further implants and go flat. The daily pain and discomfort I experience isn't worth it.
Amy
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Amy, I hate hearing stories like yours where you have pain from your recon. The damn PS's do not bother to tell women that kind of stuff!!! -
Beacon, you've received some wonderful comments. I'm really sorry that these longstanding concerns have welled up and made you anxious and upset, particularly because I've always admired your positive attitude. I appreciate Amy's contribution to this thread because it's been my observation (over the eleven years since my original diagnosis) that many women struggle with body image after a mastectomy, whether or not they've had reconstruction. I have a friend who had implants and was so self-conscious that she wouldn't wear a bathing suit, let alone allow her husband to see her naked. She's made some strides recently, but it took her many years.
Like Ariom, I had a family member (my mother-in-law) who'd had a mastectomy and no reconstruction. Despite being a free spirit and an exceptionally positive person, she told me she suffered from feelings of anxiety and insecurity about her body. Still, seeing her leading a full and happy life despite her altered body had a powerful impact on me. I think it really helped me feel comfortable about my mastectomy. And it also helped that my husband was completely supportive and his attraction to me doesn't seem to have wavered at all.
To answer your specific questions, yes, I walk around topless and sometimes my DH and I even joke about it. But I do definitely have some inhibitions. When we're intimate, he often wants to touch my chest and I still feel self-conscious about that (I had my bilateral mastectomy in 2006). I would definitely feel self-conscious undressing in a locker room or using a hot tub. I don't tend to shower at the gym (even before) so this hasn't been a problem, but I'm honestly not sure what I'd do. As for a hot tub, I'd probably just wear a bathing suit, assuming my friends would understand why.
Sometimes, I wonder what my friends and even family members think about my altered chest. Last night, we had dinner with another couple and I found myself wondering if the guy ever pictures my flat chest and feels repelled by the idea or, even worse, feels sorry for me. But honestly, it was more a fleeting thought, and didn't really bother me. I've been genuinely surprised at how little my mastectomy has affected my self-image. I struggled a lot more with a recent bout of sciatica, which caused pain down my leg that made me feel like an invalid.
Thanks for being so open about your experience. I hope this conversation continues, since this thread provides a great opportunity to explore our feelings around our mastectomies.
Barbara
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Summer of last year, while I was still on chemotherapy, a friend encouraged me to go with her to deep water workout as a gentle start to exercising again.
I agreed but before my first trip I spent ages stuffing my swimsuit with this and that, til eventually I ran out of time and nothing really looked any better than just going flat. My right boob is a DD/E!
I deliberately avoiding catching anyone's eye in the changing room and I never really intercepted any particular stares etc......
The next week I tried stuffing a shower-pouffy which I had seen suggested somewhere, and it looked ok, but halfway through the class, which had a few gents as well as ladies, I suddenly found it bobbing along beside me!
I grabbed it and stuffed it back in, and told my friend (I don't think anyone noticed), and we were both giggling like schoolgirls, so another lady overheard. She said "at least you can laugh about it!"
and then she asked "What did you use last week?"
That's when I realized how few people really notice anything unless you draw attention to it yourself, and that comment helped more than anything. We are all so self-aware that it becomes a huge deal in our own minds, but really, most people have their own stuff going on, and we are not nearly as interesting to others as we might suppose!!
Mind you, I also had hardly any hair, it was just starting to grow back, and so it must have been obvious what my story was, if anybody thought about it. I just decided not to let it stop me from doing what I wanted to do
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I love that story Morwenna! I have a friend who had a similar experience doing water aerobics. She too tried all kinds of things in her suit top and finally decided a wash cloth would do the trick. Part way through the class another woman pointed out to her that something had come out of her suit, The wash cloth did a perfect impersonation of a jellyfish, all the way to the bottom of the pool. They had a laugh about it and my friend bought a swim form.
The points that Erica makes about not showering at the gym or wearing a suit in a hot tub brings this conversation back to how we behaved before this surgery and makes a very valid point. I doubt there would be too many of us, who would start doing things differently now, like exposing ourselves in these situations, when we hadn't done that before:) I haven't ever been particularly concerned, about undressing or showering at the gym and I have always been comfortable naked, in front of my man. I think my concerns, at the beginning for me, were if those things would change, because of my altered appearance, not so much about how I personally felt about it, because I was good with it, but because, of the perception of others. It was more to do with me feeling I may be forced to change how I am, to accommodate the feelings of others. Does that make any sense?
Also, like Erica, my Husband, in fact my family, Daughter included, have a healthy sense of humor about it, just as we always have had, about the quadriplegia. One of the very first "icebreaker" moments when I got home after the surgery was when the 3 of us were sitting outside having a meal, my Daughter was playing old music on her phone, she put on Hotel California, I remember saying "Oh wow, this is the first time I have ever heard this song, with one breast!" my Husband didn't miss a beat, saying "Well, it's just as well it's in mono!"
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me too.im more worried about the weight ive gained than being lop sided lol.but i am still self consious about it in front of my husband.i think he has an issue with.he dont like to touch where it was.but i thjnk my scar looks very good compared to some ive seen.i think he just dont like the way it feels.
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Hi trishac, sorry this thread hasn't been live for over a month.
I see you've been here quite some time, but this is your first post. Welcome to the boards!
I am sorry you feel a bit self conscious in front of your Husband, but it is great that you are happy with your scar!
Have you been able to talk to your Husband, about the way you think, he feels? There have been women here who have discovered that the reason for avoidance has been simply that their man is afraid to touch, because they aren't sure how, it will be received. It's such a big change for everyone, when this happens to us.
I hope you'll find some other areas that you'll enjoy posting. There are some great threads for the unreconstructed that may interest you, with some fantastic women, sharing their experiences.
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Hi Girls, I just found this thread today. Was searching for some answers and support for myself and came across it. Ariom, nice to see you here! I have found recently that I am having some body image issues too, especially around my hubby. The only time he really looked at my chest was the night after I came home from the hospital and I had a problem that put me back in the ER with an open incision and hemorrhage. Through my haze I can remember being hysterical and crying that I didn't want him to see it like that. But I don't show it to him now, either. I suppose I should talk with him about it, but I don't know how to start the conversation. When I was in treatment I tried to find ways to try to look "sexy," but that didn't work. I've never considered myself to be sexy, so I think the attempt probably looked pathetic to him. I had BMX, so I either have two prostheses in for balance, or I am flat chested. I have not been in a position to be uncovered in front of other women (except my physical therapist and mastectomy bra fitter who are both professionals), so I can't speak to that. I have experimented with not wearing prostheses around close friends on the weekends and have noticed some odd looks, but that could be my imagination too. I find more that people probably don't even think about it because when we are with friends a lot of the guys make jokes about boobs, etc. which upsets me but I let it go. More than anything I miss the sensation, and I know that recon would not change that. My chest wall has been mostly numb since my BMX so there is nothing that can change that.
Beacon, I too have buried my feelings about my self-image. I am comfortable with myself but I feel bad for my hubby. He said from the beginning that he has never been a "boob" man, but my breasts were a big part of my sexuality and now I feel like I have no sexuality anymore (the chemo and the hormone suppressant therapy certainly doesn't help!) HUGS to all of us.
Martha
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Hello Martha, so nice to see you too!
I am sorry to hear you're having these feelings. I remember when you had that awful return to the OR when you had the hemorrhage. You had a rough time. I can only imagine how the other treatments affect you.
You know what? I'd just wade on in and start talking to my Husband about it, but that's me, I can't help myself, it's a need to know thing, for me. LOL Of course it has to be comfortable for you to venture there, but there is every chance that your Husband will be so relieved that you've opened the door, the conversation will flow and you'll feel so much closer for it. He may be following your lead and not wanting to upset you by discussing it. It's tough on our men too, not knowing just how to react, to such massive changes, in us.
Hugs to you too Martha!
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hi, we are so much more than our breasts. However, I recently had a huge failed reconstruction... More scars, more pain... I got a custom made Brest prosthetic made just for me, fits in the hole in my chest and looks great, lightweight, and it moves with me. Made by irene healey of new attitude in Toronto! Covered. By manulife insurance plan, after some wrangling... Anyway, as I said to irene, she and I were working to get a breast to 'disappear into the background'. In other words, if something is great, natural, then we can forget about it and enjoy ourselves! You had an experience where the 'lack' of breast had to be in the forefront, so no wonder you felt temporarily defined by your 'lack'. It's always missing, just not always ruling the situational response. Others don't really get it, they are curious and then can say something supportive (or not) and then look away. It's a deep scar, and very much a real challenge to feeling like your old self
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hi, we are so much more than our breasts. However, I recently had a huge failed reconstruction... More scars, more pain... I got a custom made Brest prosthetic made just for me, fits in the hole in my chest and looks great, lightweight, and it moves with me. Made by irene healey of new attitude in Toronto! Covered. By manulife insurance plan, after some wrangling... Anyway, as I said to irene, she and I were working to get a breast to 'disappear into the background'. In other words, if something is great, natural, then we can forget about it and enjoy ourselves! You had an experience where the 'lack' of breast had to be in the forefront, so no wonder you felt temporarily defined by your 'lack'. It's always missing, just not always ruling the situational response. Others don't really get it, they are curious and then can say something supportive (or not) and then look away. It's a deep scar, and very much a real challenge to feeling like your old self
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Hi ladies, time to post again. Ever since my BMX my hubby won't touch my chest wall. He will touch everywhere else but not there. I would so love for him to touch my chest; I consider my BMX scars my "life lines" and it's also where my heart is. This morning I asked him if my chest repulses him and he said "no," but said that he is having a hard time dealing with it. I said "that's where my heart is" and he said "I know." He has been so good to me, and I know he loves me. Later I asked him if he would have been happier if I did recon and he said "no, it would be the same." He knows I have limited feeling in the chest area, and without nipples, well you know............I saw my PCP the other day for a routine follow up and he gave me a script for Prozac for "reactive depression." Said it's not unusual for someone to go through surgery and chemo, etc. and focus on fighting, and then after the dust settles fall into a depression. I think that's where I am at right now. I hate to add any more meds but I think I need to.
Adaptecss I agree that we are so much more than our breasts. I am finally OK without them (I miss them but have moved on) but I worry about my hubby. I had many complications during my surgery and subsequent chemo, and his focus was on taking care of me. But now we have settled into our new reality and we both are struggling.
Ariom, to your previous post, my hubby does not like to talk, he never has. I did try to open the discussion a couple of times today but it's hard for him. He's never been one to talk about what's bothering him. I broached the subject this morning and then again this afternoon. I asked him if he regretted that I did not have reconstruction, and he said absolutely not, the issues would be the same. Which I agree. I am very glad that I did not do recon.
I guess that I am just having a pitty party right now.....thanks for listening!
Martha
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I am sorry Martha, it isn't possible to know how our men will react to what we are left with, after this surgery, heck we don't even know how we are going to feel, or how it will affect us. I totally agree with you about the scars, I call mine the "road maps" of my life.
I feel for both of you, I hope that time will perhaps lessen the feelings your husband has about your chest. I get what you mean about your heart, I know I like to snuggle in close, to my husband with my flat side, because I can get in closer and I feel his heart, through my flat chest.
The positive thing in this is, you are both on the same page about reconstruction, we are the same too, that's something that doesn't ever have to be considered.
I wish you all the best, I wish there was a magic wand, for fixing these hurdles that come up. Please accept a hug from across the ocean! M xx
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Ariom, I knew you would be there for me! It's so hard; I feel bad being upset with him because I know he loves me. And I know it's hard for him too. He's never been one to talk about his feelings so I hate to keep asking. We did talk a little more last night. We will get through this as we have all the other trials of life. I definitely accept your hug from across the ocean!
Martha
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Awww, Martha, you're welcome! That little talk sounds promising, just little by little, the lines of communication are open and you both love each other, just some more time may be all it will take. Fingers crossed for you! M x
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Martha, do you think it might be that he is afraid of hurting you? I still have quite a bit of tenderness around the scar area, armpit and upper arm. My DH does not touch anywhere near my scar. I wouldn't let him, because it would hurt. I don't know if he would, if I let him, why would he want to
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And, why does this thing always cut off the last character of my post???
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Thanks Jennie, I know that he is not afraid of hurting me because I never had any pain at the sites. I still have a fair amount of numbness. He did tell me that he knows I don't feel much there. I did notice last night that when we were in bed to sleep that his arm came a little higher up, maybe that's a bit of progress. I know that I will never have the sensual responses that I used to have, I just want the closeness. I hope that we will get there, but at the same time we are very close in many other ways. I do think it's time to get the antidepressant script filled. I would rather not but I know that my mood is also affecting him in a negative way. Need to start the spiral back upwards instead of continuing downwards!
Thanks for the support ladies, it's so nice to have a place to go where there are people who truly understand!
XOXO Martha
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Hugs to you Martha! All the best...Moira xxx
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