Just Diagnosed yesterday 9/24/14

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Sinclair
Sinclair Member Posts: 12
edited October 2014 in Just Diagnosed

Totally overwhelmed with emotions right now.

ILC 2.8 cm ER+/PR+ HER2 pending.

I have just turned 40 this past summer and have kids ranging from 15 to 4. I am the main bread winner for my family.

I guess I am going through all the initial feelings as I try to process all of this. I am angry, sad, optimistic, up, down. Basically all over the place. I lost my father to colon cancer 10 years ago and this has just ripped that wound right open. I recall vividly how his cancer tore me apart. I am now feeling very guilty for doing this to my family all over again. I can't even talk to one of my sisters because I can hear her heart breaking all over again.

My husband and I have been through so much in the last 5 years. We lost a baby to a genetic disease, have faced molestation of one of our kids by a close family member, unemployment, financial devastation, child custody battle with my ex-husband, and the list goes on. Now this! I am beginning to wonder if it will ever end!

I am terrified that my husband is going to finally say enough and walk away. He is really a wonderful person, but there is only so much a person can take.

Sorry, probably a little too much information, but I just need to get it off my chest (no pun intended).

I think I have decided to have a double mastectomy, hysterectomy, and both ovaries removed. I don't know if I am going to have reconstruction, but I can make that decision next week.

There is so much to learn and take in while dealing with all the emotional stuff that goes along with all of this, plus attempting to run a family.

UGH!!!

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited September 2014

    Dear Sinclair, welcome to BCO. We're glad you found this fountain
    of wisdom and experience.

    The
    waiting, most will agree, is worse than the tests, so we sympathize. There
    doesn't seem to be much other than keeping busy, to help decrease the stress.
    People here have been through it too, so sisters will be willing to offer
    advice. Our thoughts are with you and the people on this forum will be happy to assist you and allow you to vent your emotions here.

    Please read ILC — Invasive Lobular Carcinoma and Local Treatments for ILC: Surgery and Radiation Therapy from the main
    Breastcancer.org website 

    Possibly of interest too is the Oncotype
    DX Test

    We hope
    this helps!

    The
    Mods

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited September 2014

    Sinclair, I am so sorry to hear all that you have been through, and now this. You've certainly come to the right place while you wait for appointments and surgery.

    You'll find you aren't alone here, there are women all over the world who have felt the fear you feel right now. Most here would agree that where you are now, is the worst part, the not knowing exactly what to do and the fear of the unknown is just brutal. Once there is a plan in place, it feels better, because you feel you have some control back.

    There is plenty of information on this site, as the mods have suggested, so please stay away from Dr Google, there is a lot of out of date and irrelevant information out there. If you have questions, ask away, there will be someone around who will have answers for you. 

    Try to take it a step at a time, come here and vent if you need to. I am sending you a hug and hope all goes well for you.

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  • RMlulu
    RMlulu Member Posts: 1,989
    edited September 2014

    Sinclair - Breathe!  Glad you found this site, but so sorry that you must join us here.  You have been through so much already...and now this :(  We will be in your pocket  {{{ squeeze}}}

    The waiting is the hardest ...so many what ifs and trying to cover all the bases.  Keep breathing and focus on today.  Don't get ahead of yourself on this crazy roller coaster ride.  There's no need to rehearse something that you may never have to face...just focus on today.  

    Now is the time to visit your BC center and determine what services they provide and avail yourself of them...support groups, mediation, counselor, exercise, and LGFB.  Read the main site and write down your questions for your team.  Chose a BC team that you feel bests supports your needs.  For me attending a support group and getting feed back from others on this journey helped me process, ask more questions, and realize I would be able to do this and be fine.

    Ask lots of questions, ask to see pics of what to expect and remember it's a step at a time...you don't have to have all the answers now and it's ok to change your mind.  You will be your best advocate.

    When you are ready....check out Little Pink Houses of Hope...a great program for families going through BC...

    Breathe!  Now, go enjoy your family...soak in the things that make your heart sing...you will be fine!

    PS vent scream cry...sometimes big girl panties are over rated...and other days thongs are perfect...be kind to yourself...much grace.

    (((Hugs)))

    Cindy

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  • geewhiz
    geewhiz Member Posts: 1,439
    edited September 2014

    Hugs Sinclair!! You will get through this too. And we are all right here with you!

    If you turn our to be Her2+, pop on over to the triple positive thread. Lots of great ladies on there.

    I have 3 kiddos as well - 6,9 and 13 at my diagnosis. I was always open and honest. I dont consider the disease a "gift" (well, unless its returnable), but we did grow much closer than I think we would have otherwise. We really appreciate our lives, and each other so much more now.

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  • Sjacobs146
    Sjacobs146 Member Posts: 770
    edited September 2014

    It's hard to believe right now, but things get better once you have more information.  I was in your place less than one month ago, and I can't believe how much better my frame of mind is now (3 days post Lx). 

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited September 2014

    Sinclair, 

    Not fair, you are too young to have to deal with the nightmare of breast cancer. I still feel "lucky", that I was diagnosed at 57, although 77 would have been better.....lol....

    It all sucks, excuse my blunt language. In the beginning you just want to get going, cut it out....I also have Lobular Cancer, it's called the sneaky cancer.  There are many Lobular threads that discuss the peculiars of this cancer, nice ladies that post. I had a lumpectomy, pretty easy compared to the reconstruction issues of a mastectomy. 

    I could not handle well meaning friends that said, "just stay positive", I wanted to smack them upside the head. My only advice is be kind to yourself. You did nothing to cause this, it is what it is. Life does go on, but the next year ( if you need chemo ) will be bumpy.....

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  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited September 2014

    Sinclair, so sorry you're here. It sounds like you've had a bumpy ride and yes, it's about to get bumpier. Do try not to project, or to borrow trouble. It will get here soon enough, if it's coming, and if it's not, you'll have had more misery than necessary. I KNOW that's easier said than done; it's NOT my natural mindset, but I'll tell you - I'm learning! 

    In the beginning I couldn't eat, sleep or work; I was totally frozen and could barely breathe. My internist (who was otherwise worse than) finally gave me an RX for a miniscule amount of ativan. It did help but I did have to get another RX. DO talk with your MD and see if you can get something. You're going to need your resources and rest and emotionally energy are valuable resources. 

    Take it one hour at a time and know that it won't always be as awful as it feels right now.

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  • Sinclair
    Sinclair Member Posts: 12
    edited September 2014

    thanks every one for your encouragement. I have now had a chance to fall apart and cry (no easy feat when you have a head and chest cold, let me tell you). Since then, I have moved on to my latest emotion. Such unrelenting anger at God and the Cancer. How dare he do this to me and my kids. It is unacceptable! It is unfair to my kids. I am quite certain that my Her2 will come back positive as I can never seem to be the person that does anything partially. I have to go all out. 

    I am finding strength through all the stories of people my age that have fought this battle and won. So I have decided to no be a weeping willow and fight this head on. My new slogan "Take the Tata's" as I refuse to let this do me in.

    So I guess I have some anger right now! Lol!

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  • Devine16
    Devine16 Member Posts: 11
    edited September 2014

    Hi Sinclair sorry to hear of yr terrible misfortune. I'm new to this too and trying to absorb and somewhat accept this deal to me. My medical team have been wonderful up to now, I don't smoke rarely drink and am prob the most disciplined person on this planet when it comes to diet and exercise. But like you I have has a lot of stress and emotional heartache over the last five to seven yrs. Rather than accept there also. For this as bad luck as my doctors have told me I'm thinking this is down to my personal stress and heartache. I'm also an oncology nurse which makes this a total nightmare. Life sucks. !!!

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  • angelia50
    angelia50 Member Posts: 381
    edited September 2014

    Sinclair, I think you need the shirt that says Yeah, They Are Fake, My Real Ones Tried to Kill me.

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  • Sinclair
    Sinclair Member Posts: 12
    edited September 2014

    Devine16, you're right. It does Suck!!! I am a Respiratory Therapist. You and I seem to take care of those that lose their battles with cancer. I am finding myself grateful that it is just breast cancer. It could be SO much worse. My daddy died from colon cancer 10 years ago. I guess the silver lining is that I don't require boobs to live. A colon or kidneys is much more essential. I have faith that as soon as I have my mastectomy (plus maybe some chemo) I will be cured of this stupid cancer and can return to my life. I had Cervical cancer at 26 while I had a 1 year old and I made it through that and went on to have 2 more babies. I certainly refuse my boobs to be the end of me. I am in the anger stage of this. I kind of like this stage. Way more fun being p'd off at the cancer and deciding to kick cancer butt than the weepy sad phase. That was not fun at all. 

    I guess what I am saying is I have accepted this and vow to win this fight. We can kick this together!!

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  • Sinclair
    Sinclair Member Posts: 12
    edited September 2014

    angelia50, I LOVE it! I totally want one!!!

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  • mdg
    mdg Member Posts: 3,571
    edited September 2014


    You have certainly had your fair share....you deserve a break.  I am sorry you find yourself among us but glad you have come here for support, understanding and friendship through this difficult time.  The beginning is the hardest part.  I am saying a prayer for you.  Hugs.

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  • NY2TXbaby
    NY2TXbaby Member Posts: 171
    edited September 2014

    I too was just diagnosed with ILC - waiting for final path report, MRI and 1st appt with breast surgeon. My emotions are also all over the place as well . I am so sorry you too are going through this - you truly have had more than your share of life's "challenges". I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Connecting with others facing the same things -  although we are strangers - somehow makes me feel not so alone. For me the unknown is what is causing most of my fears - and it is hard to turn off the thoughts that continually flood my mind. Trying to stay positive - but as usual - it is easier said than done.  Sending hugs your way. 

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  • lynnetteb75
    lynnetteb75 Member Posts: 33
    edited September 2014

    Sinclair I think we all go threw the sad phase I just got married in April and was  38 the day of my wedding my sister had a severe stroke 3 hrs before I walked down the isle she was visiting me here in Florida from Rhode Island so her husband and kids were far apart we finally got her stable enough to take a train back to Rhode Island to be with her husband and less then a month later I was dx. on top of other things I to feel like my husband can only take so much as my mind is all over and not feeling very sexual or attractive right now. But he didn't marry me for my Tatas well at least I hope he didn't..but as days go on I feel stronger and now I'm ready to fight..I wish I had a treatment plan but I'm still waiting on my hereditary test should be back next week so I can get this ball rolling and kick some cancer butt... We're here with u fighting the same battle we can all truly say it will get better the emotional part in the beginning is the hardest...but it's ok you have the right to break down and cry and be mad...i was mad as hell when I found out at age 38 I had bc... Now I think thank goodness I found it at age 38 I can fight it and put it behind me and have the rest of my life...huggsss

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  • thrmine
    thrmine Member Posts: 98
    edited September 2014


    Just wanted to urge you to have hope in the midst of this.  I was diagnosed 4.5 years ago with aggressive stage 3 grade 3 breast cancer at age 43 with 6 kids ages 2-12 at the time.    I had a very difficult year or so, but I have mended.  I never missed a game or prechool class that I taught.

    I am healthy and able to put this nasty dx behind be even without reconstruction.

    HOPE HOPE HOPE is so important.

     

    Hang in there, hugs and prayers coming your way.

     

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  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited October 2014

    sweetie, we are all here for you, there is so much on your plate all that you and family have been thru, But here is the place you can vent, and get it all out, it is cleansing also. I found my lump as I was preparing for my wedding, and on top I was told that, it was a mistake, wrong person, then again another call that it was indeed me,so I went thru a roller coaster ride, I made it thru and now I am a 20 yr Suirvivo(Praise GOD that is here to INSPIRE others to always have HOPE, get your cry out and then fight.  msphil(idc,stage2, 0/3 nodes, L mast chemo and rads and 5 yrs on tamoxifen) I too thought my Fiancee at the time would leave me cause I was going into my second marriage not whole, but he stayed and supported and Loved me unconditonally, thank GOD, He is now my husband.  

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  • Cookies
    Cookies Member Posts: 41
    edited October 2014

    I will be 42 in November and put off my baseline 40 year old mammogram  - it was always on the mom to do list but it never got done.  Two weeks ago I found a hard fixed sizeable mass in my right breast and after mamo and ultrasound the radiologist is certain it's a carcinoma.  I feel so guilty and I can't stop crying.  I have two children age 4 and 7  - I feel like I am going to die and leave those beautiful children motherless because I was to busy. 

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