Check ups, anniversaries, and fear. Sigh.

Anonymous
Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
edited October 2014 in ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)

Another check up (I can't remember how many I've had now) my regular 4 month one. It falls on the anniversaries of the news that my late husband's cancer was terminal, and near the anniversary of my own dx.  It's fall where I live and the tree leaves, the light, the smell of the air, all brings back that shock and debilitating fear I felt both times. My husband now says I have PTSD.  I'm so sick of going to doctors and being scared every four months....

Claire

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  • yogamama
    yogamama Member Posts: 39
    edited October 2014

    So sorry, Claire, that this beautiful time in Flag brings up so much painful stuff.  I don't know what to say.  I'd give you a big hug and go to a yoga class with you, if I could!

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  • Nel138281
    Nel138281 Member Posts: 2,124
    edited October 2014

    Gentle hugs.  I think PTSD can be very real for all of us

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  • vbishop
    vbishop Member Posts: 616
    edited October 2014

    My life changed a little over a year ago as ,well.  I was very weepy on the anniversary of my diagnosis.  I don't know what I expected, but weepy wasn't it.  So....I think we can all relate.  My oncologist tells me that the mental part, post treatment, is sometimes the hardest part.  Always wondering about every little ache and pain.  Like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I long for the day when cancer is not always on my mind.  My doc tells me it takes a while.  For some, it can take years. 

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited October 2014

    Claire, 

    I found BCO when I was almost done with chemo, same regimen you had. Our dx looks very similar. Your posts were always so calming & helpful. I wanted to tell you thank-you for that. 

    I also feel like I have PTSD, was dx with it or anxiety. All my 1st anniversaries of dx & tx were this summer. I battle that feeling all day, everyday. But, I must say, I have gotten back to my active life style playing golf, tennis & walking. I know this is crazy, but by worrying all the time about what "if", makes me feel like I am preparing myself emotionally for when, or "if" it occurs. Yes, I still am in the healing mode. 

    Going to my MO is stress free, cause they do not do anything. I am having my 2nd Zometa infusion next Friday, dreading that, but it will be fine.

    Sorry to hear about your first DH. 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2014

    Hi ladies, I wept through the beginning of my appt. Definitely PTSD.  Even after half a .25 mg xanax, I was fighting a little panic.  But I graduated to every 6 months appt now, finally, and my doc told me my white count was perfect and my liver enzymes were great!  So very relieved.

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  • lisa137
    lisa137 Member Posts: 569
    edited October 2014

    I was grumpy on the anniversary of my dx date. Tomorrow is my  BMX anniversary, so I'm reserving the right to be grumpy again.

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  • momand2kids
    momand2kids Member Posts: 1,508
    edited October 2014

    Today I was making a lunch date for 10/29 and could not for the life of me remember why that date meant something.  Then I realized it was the anniversary date of my dx... had completely forgotten.

    This too will pass--the first year or two, it was hard-- I was weepy, hair was growing back, eyelashes and eyebrows were trying to make a comeback, I was still tired from working and the treatment-- I worked full time all the way through-just put my head down and plowed through it---- so at the 1 year mark, I was fragile....

    But, it does pass and it does get so much better-- honest1

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2014

    I was talking to my husband about our PTSD issues. Often cancer survivors don't get the serious attention needed for PTSD since stereotypically it's reserved for combat vets.  But he agreed (as a combat vet himself) that our situation is more difficult at times since we are ALWAYS in combat. We don't know what's "shooting at us" inside, and we won't know, ever, truly.  So we are always under siege and doing something to keep those enemies away (anti-hormonals, exercise, nutrition, check ups, self-exams, and mental conflict at times).

    Our war never truly goes away; at least we have no tangible evidence that we can look at and say "we are completely out of that situation now, for sure".  It's no wonder every so often our mental/emotional walls break down.

    Claire

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  • wallycat
    wallycat Member Posts: 3,227
    edited October 2014

    Congrats on surviving the doc visit.

    I am starting year 8 and I feel like I will stroke out in a waiting room.  It has gotten pretty bad for any doc appointment now.

    PTSD is an understatement.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited October 2014

    Wallycat: I have good visits and bad ones. This last one was a surprise because it was so intensely emotional.  But I realized it was my PTSD rearing its head, and that knowledge alone made it easier to bear. Plus a 1/2 .25 mg xanax!

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