A Sister In Need of Advice

I am so sorry that your sister is feeling this way and that you are worried about her - it is such a stressful situation for all involved. I am currently half flat having lost half of my reconstruction due to an unforeseen surgical complication.  I think choosing not to reconstruct is one thing, but having that choice taken away from you is quite another.  I honestly don't think there is any magical thing you can say that will change her thinking, I think that time will tell if she can work her way out of the current mindset, and come to a more clear assessment of the positives in her life.  Just try to listen and consistently support her, and continue to point out the things that are good.  I mostly just wanted to let you know that you should not put your email address in your post - people on this site can private message you if they want to speak privately with you.  This is a public forum - available to all on the internet, so by putting your email address in your post you are exposing it to the internet at large.

I had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction In June following a recurrence from 2010. Being in the UK we kinda have to do what we're told unless we have super duper bupa (private insurance) but. Still..

When I was diagnosed with my recurrence, my BS "told" me I would be having a unilateral MX with immediate recon. I said "Errr, don't think so". I sat there for over an hour arguing the toss saying I wanted both GONE.. This was a recurrence after all, how could I ever be sure it wouldn't come back, either under an implant or in me twin? Of course, the NHS being what it is doesn't want to spend money on unnecessary surgery. But I pushed. I cried. I stamped both feet and yes, I eventually got what I wanted.

Since then, iv read LOTS of literature, and it seems many surgeons work on the assumption that all women want to be "restored" to their former selves following breast cancer surgery. Yes, this is true for some, but not all.

Breasts do not make who we are. Sorry to be crude, but when a man gets testicular cancer, how many would take up the offer of a prosthetic? Very few I imagine. Why? Because it isn't visible to the outside world that "something is missing". Yet we as women are expected to conform to what society thinks is acceptable by having either reconstruction or wearing "foobs".

My point is... anyone, regardless of big noses, knock knees, balding heads, big boobs, little boobs or no boobs should never. EVER give a flying flip flop what anyone else thinks. The boobs do not maketh the woman, and anyone, husband, friend, acquaintance, co worker... Anyone, has no right to treat anyone differently. If someone does? Me personally would catapult them so far away even NASA would be hard pushed to find them.

Just my opinion

XX

Looking back on your post, if a man appears supportive during reconstruction then "absconds" when it all goes tits up (pardon the pun) then in my opinion, he wasn't on board in the first place.

Your sis is going through hell, yes, but as you say, things improve as we adjust to what is always referred to as the new normal.

Four years ago when I was first diagnosed, I lost the plot. Ended up being diagnosed social phobic and put on serious meds. To the point where I literally threw in the towel regarding radiotherapy and tamoxifen treatments. I was unlucky and got rediagnosed this may with recurrence but through sheer determination iv attended every appointment... Scans, needle sticks, surgeries, results, needle sticks, mind numbing drugs, needle sticks. Can you tell I hate needles? Hahaha.

All you can really do is be there for her.. Yes, its rough on you too, and for that I'm sorry. Cancer really doesn't just affect the patient..

Wish I had a sister

xx