Breast Envy-not sure where to post this....

Why do you assume that everyone you see who is not 'flat' when you see them does not know what it is to have had a mast.?  I had a UMX almost 5 yrs ago and I definately wear cute tops, tank tops and 'spaghetti strap' tops with my pros with no problems.  I guess you could say that I'm 'carefree' as I choose to not dwell in negativity but live every day to the utmost I can.  I am far from being 'oblivious' to how fortunate I am to have had fantastic Drs.

Be thankful for what you have - LIFE!  Do not assume that others may not be dealing with similar to what you are - or not dealing with something potentially more devasating.

Well I have felt the same thing, and also find myself on occasion paying far more attention to other ladies' cleavages than would probably be deemed decent ..... and certainly more than I ever used to pre-bc!!!

Yes I know, rationally, that you might not know what you are actually looking at, nor what other hidden issues these ladies may or may not have. But this is a feeling, not a concious judgement ...... it doesn't need to be rational!

Don't try to make the OP feel guilty as well as weird!

I can't "make" the OP feel anything! As I said, her feelings are her feelings. It is absolutely normal to feel a sense of loss. But that does not mean she cannot closely examine those feelings and revisit her reactions to those feelings (being the judgment about what others may or may not have experienced). I think this can be a positive step for her in moving through her sense of loss, and it is not a slight on OP.  I don't wish her to feel jealous of other woman as it sounds like a painful and tiring experience for her. 

I am just trying to say that she can feel that loss, and even that envy of another woman's chest if that is what she feels, without assuming that woman's "story" or own emotional experiences. I no longer have my natural breasts either, and can look at another woman admire her breasts for what they are, and think she has great looking breasts, without all the judgment about what that woman may or may not know about cancer, or loss, or anything else. For all I know she had a great reconstruction job, or a bad one but can hide it well, or maybe had breast conserving surgery, or maybe was diagnosed with mets off the bat and kept her breasts but is losing her life, or has not had any experience with breast cancer but spent her life being insecure about her chest and finally discovered the miracles of a proper fitting bra and is excited to wear cute tops. 

Hi Tangandchris, I am living "flat and fabulous" about 95% of the time. My own choice. That other 5% rears up when I least expect it and, yes, I can say that I, too, have experienced the dreaded breast envy. I think the place that it comes from is far more complicated than just plain old envy. (((hugs to you)))

I am sorry if my words seemed like an attack. It was not my intent. I do think
you are absolutely justified in your feelings, and was not at all trying
to imply you should not feel them, and I definitely did not think you actually
went up to women and said anything.

Maybe to put it in some context, my comments were just coming
from the perspective of having reconstructed breasts, and sometimes
seeing others looking at my own chest..sometimes with what seems to be a matter of them just liking what they see, and sometimes it seems with...something else.  I am sensitive to fact that sometimes people might wonder
if they are "fake" (as in augmented) even though they are the same size as my pre-mx breasts and I never felt that way before. Though they actually look
pretty natural in a bra clothing now - and similar to what I looked like before - they are still different. They don't quite jiggle in the same way, as an example, when I move. I personally do not think there is anything wrong with augmentation, and if a woman wants one, I absolutely support her choice to have one, but I am not someone who would have chosen augmentation for myself so it would be odd to me to have people assume that I did. I also wonder what they think if they see me nude (like at the gym), and if they think I had a really bad augmentation (don't get me wrong, for reconstruction they are pretty great, but I do have lengthy scar lines, a visible "dent" and some visible rippling when I lean over, which on an augmentation might not be such a favourable outcome.)

Even if no one says anything to me, I did/do sometimes believe I could
perceive a difference between someone just looking and admiring, and
someone looking with judgment without having the context of knowing my experience. Obviously, these are my own issues, and I don't hold you or any other person who looks at my chest responsible for my insecurities about this, but my point was just that we all have our
own stories to tell, not to have you feel I was belittling your
feelings.

I hope you don't leave, but if you do, I hope you do come back.

Tang - I posted something very similar about a year ago and even now I have times when I get breast envy, or symmetry envy.......so I get you, ignore the lectures about feeling grateful etc, just feel your own feelings and know you are not alone in them..........

Everyone tells me I look fantastic "and you can not see anything" BUT I know I only have one breast, I know I cannot change in public, wear clothes that need a cleavage etc as a prosthetic does not cover enough of my battered chest.......I hate wandering around in pj´s even at home and feel hyper conscious all the time adn I am 2.5 years post mutilation, yes I use that word deliberately as that is how I feel, it might have saved my life but I was still mutilated in the process......and it stinks......

Hugs to you

Tangadang, 

Hey girl, lots of love & support here. I still have the breasts, what very little have survived. ...lol...I feel that way, all the time, only for ladies that have not weathered the fear of living with stage 3 cancer. I envy there carefree attitude, emotional stability. Every day is a constant pep talk, enjoy the moment, move more, make a plan, eat healthier...

Keep posting friend....

Yes Tang, please don't feel unsupported here.

I'm sure what you are feeling is absolutely normal. I also avert my eyes when I go past all these colourful beautiful lingerie stores! 

Although I have to be honest and admit I never wore anything that lovely when I was "young, pert and beautiful" ..... Always went more for comfort! And now I am old (54) overweight and "deformed", I kinda resent them! 

I even grouched at a sister from here for Facebook posting an appeal for beautifully decorated bras to hang at her church hall for "breast cancer awareness"

Lord I'm grumpy today!!! 

Maybe I'll go back to bed and start again tomorrow!

nope, you're not the only one at all.  I haven't been this interested in other womens' breasts since puberty, when it seemed important to note who had what yet .  Just a couple days ago I was watching a woman walk down the street in a fitted top and was very jealous of her very natural appearing jiggle!!  I'm a uni and plan to stay that way for various reasons, but am finding it a bit harder than I expected to be ok with it, in part I think because my prosthesis/bra options are much more limited than I expected due to lymphedema.  Regardless, I hear you and have been there myself too and recently!

Really? Not just me being grumpy then?

I thought I probably should have ignored the post and not been so "sensitive" Now I've upset the nice lady, to no real purpose ...... My mother always told me "If you can't say anything nice ..... " My comment was "Yuck!" 

Mind you, I didn't ALWAYS do everything with the full approval of my dear departed mother!

Hi 😎,

Hope you ladies don't mind if I pop on here to put record straight a bit. 

Morwenna, as I have said I do appreciate peoples opinion of Pinktober or various other displays.I only posted on f/b to help my fellow BC Macmillan volunteers to get more ladies involved.We spend hours in a cold and draughty community centre handing out leaflets and talking to ladies who have concerns. This is a large building and they incorporate a library where lots of young Mum's visit with their families and we seem to be reaching out to more and more groups within the centre.

There is no church involved only a stairwell on which we will display donated bras.Idea was to create a talking point.

Here in England the pink thing seems to have lessened and our lingerie shops are joining with the breast cancer organisations to provide attractive and comfortable lingerie for our ladies. This was never meant to upset  or  lessen our message. I doubt that something like this will ever be done again if feedback is at all negative.

After my shower I look in the mirror at my lumpectomy boob and quickly turn away I had a really good figure 36DD Now one at least a third smaller and shrivelled and deformed. I may be 66 but never walk around without full covering ,so horrified at what the body that carried my three beautiful children has done to me.I was never vain or body conscious before but I am now 😞

So sorry for any distress caused. I still have a bag of beautiful bras that I can no longer wear due to appearance and discomfort, I have also had to throw out tops that show my rad tattoo, BC is a life changing and hateful disease. Just pray they find a cure and SOON.  

M

tangandchris, you are most certainly not the only one who feels that way. I think it's a normal feeling of loss, it's something that we never even gave a second thought to when we had normal breasts. But, now what we had is gone so I think it's only human to notice and kinda feel a little jealous about it. I do think with time that feeling lessens, and even gets back to normal. I remember about a year after finishing reconstruction we took a once in a lifetime trip to Hawaii. Instead of looking out at the beautiful ocean I found myself looking at other womens breasts in their bathing suits and thinking, real, real, fake, fake, since I was suddenly aware of what fake looked like. I thought what is wrong with me? Stop looking! And then I would look again. I think that was the first beach situation I had been in since the BMX and thus the reaction. I think it's just a phase that we go through on the journey back to our self. It passes, but it does feel very strange, as a lot of things do on this journey. Its a perfectly normal part of the healing / grieving process. 

Musiclover. Thanks for your reply. I had a sleepless night worried that anyone would think that we would do this anywhere near a church.

I passed on comments yesterday to my team leader and she has said that one negative comment and this will never be done again.

The bras are displayed in a very eye catching and tasteful way in a place frequented by lots of community associations. They are eye-catching and thought provoking.

.Many ladies are stopping and asking for further information about how to examine and what to do if they are unsure. Also we can get them one to one help if they are going through treatment with support from a lady with the same diagnosis.If we can just get one person to think about their breasts and do something it will all be worth it.

Never want another woman to feel the way I do right now and probably for the rest of my life.

Thanks again.

Jwoo, bless you 😀. Display will be up for the whole of October all being well. When it is complete I will send you a photo.

Bras are arriving daily and are put up as and when they do.

They may put on our website so will send you the link. You have no idea how much you have lifted my spirits. 

Thank you. 😊