Extraordinary Grumpiness

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Thea
Thea Member Posts: 56
edited October 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

It is hard to tell if I am so grumpy today because of new cancer related meds added to the ones I take for a mood disorder, but it is a huge improvement over the deer in the headlights, fetal position on the couch approach I have taken this whole past week.  I thought this post belonged in the this forum rather than the Afinitor/Aromasin one I have been posting to because it really is an emotional crises featuring relationships.  I share a house with my mother in law and see her in passing everyday and curse her three times as much as before, under my breath, even though I am totally grateful for her support for the children.  Today her nephew was here doing maintenance work for us and I hated him intensely, or to put it the way I say it in my mind, I hated his freaking guts.  The funny thing is that I became a buddhist last Spring around the time of the latest progression that put me on the A/A combo, but I am at a loss for the peacefulness and tolerance I had enjoyed until recently.  I may actually be angry with God, (the Judeo Christian One I grew up with) but that is a topic for the Spirituality forum.  I don't even have any Buddhist support people, haven't been to a temple yet because I haven't wanted to sit in a group yet.  This website is my only cancer support.  I am awfully glad it is here.  My mood has shifted into a more peaceful one since I started typing earlier.

The fear has been one of how these meds might affect my typical mood, because the A/A combo can make you irritable and aggressive and cause a personality change.  It can also raise your blood pressure, mine was barely under control anyway so my GP added a diuretic the day before yesterday.  Maybe since I feel more peaceful now I can feel some hope that I won't be chronically grumpy.  I think what helped me feel peaceful was being able to vent here and reach out for support.  I hope I can keep up the housekeeping I was doing earlier, fueled by my angry mood.  I need some order around me for peace of mind.  Thanks for reading this.

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  • MelissaDallas
    MelissaDallas Member Posts: 7,268
    edited September 2014

    Thea, I'm not on the meds, though they keep urging me to take aromasin, but I understand. For the last couple of years of perimenopause before my hysterectomy, I morphed from my sometimes-depressed, but always easy-going and generally sunny personality to feeling ANGRY and hostile a lot. I can remember screaming at one of the poor hapless old lawyers I worked for (in front of other people) for a fairly minor annoyance and feeling like I was completely out of control. I think part of my mood problem was not sleeping, the rest hormonal. (Hugs).

    Melissa

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  • Thea
    Thea Member Posts: 56
    edited September 2014

    Hi Melissa, nice to hear from you.  I am feeling much better today.  I think any mood you are in seems at that time like it could be the new normal, and that is frightening when you already feel bad, making you anxious about being anxious. I sure am glad I don't feel that way now.

    I like your name and avatar.  I have a brother living on the edge of Dallas with two teenagers. My daughter, who is ten, and I went to visit them there. The people in Dallas seemed relaxed and friendly, just as I predicted they would be.  I am from New York originally and have been living in Northern Germany for some years where people are very distant and reserved so I was looking forward to the friendliness.  Not that I mean to stereotype people, of course. I am just trying to say that I liked our visit there.

    CyBear Hug for you.

    Lisa

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  • bobogirl
    bobogirl Member Posts: 2,777
    edited September 2014

    Poor Lisa!  I am not taking affinitor but I can relate.  I have been chanting/studying since my second son came home (he is a real challenge).  But when I went into instant menopause, all bets were off!  I just couldn't get my mood together.  I could get angry at the drop of a hat.  I am still quick to anger/irritation.

    I know you are practicing Buddhism, so you might already be chanting, but it has helped me a lot.  The mantra I use most often (a Sanskrit one from my yoga practice) is Om Navah Shivayah, which I believe means 'Om and salutations to that which I am capable of becoming.'  I always have my mala at hand -- some say you must have it in a little bag, but I don't have one, so I just wrap it around my wrist -- and I chant (silently) when I am walking through campus.

    Sometimes as I meditate I do a 'suffering meditation' -- I breathe in the suffering of another specific person, then breathe out peace.  I choose someone really close to me, then move 'out' until I get to someone who really irritates me.  Sometimes I feel like I just cannot 'do' that last person!  Because so many people I know are suffering in some way or another (who isn't?), this chant is always available.

    You know what else I have been meaning to do?  Go to kirtan practice.  Everyone gets in a room together and chants, and there is music.  There is such lovely energy during kirtan.  I imagine it is just the thing for my own problem.

    Sending you hugs.

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  • Thea
    Thea Member Posts: 56
    edited September 2014

    Hi Bobogirl,

    That is really interesting to read about your chanting.  I thought immediately of a chant a Taoist friend in Hong Kong recommended especially for me, without considering that I live with my children and MIL.  It sounds like Oma Home, and that is what we call her, Oma, or grandma in German.  She gets the brunt of my anger because I don't like her moving my things around or straightening up my kitchen. (She has her own apartment in our house) and I avoid working in the garden so I don't run into her out there.  Yet life would be much harder if she passed on or moved out, because we would all miss her, myself included. It is very sad to think of my husband and children losing us both within some years of each other.  She is a very healthy 85 year old.  My mom is also eighty five and I haven't told her I am stage !V because she is a heart patient and I may yet outlive her.

    But of course, we don't know what will happen.  So it doesn't pay to get depressed about the different possible outcomes, but one can stay in the present. Somehow that is clearer to me now that I am posting it here, I feel much more open and warm than I did while trying to sleep earlier.  I hope you do go to Kirtan practice.  I will see if there is such a thing here in Hannover.

    Hugs in return,

    Lisa

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  • bobogirl
    bobogirl Member Posts: 2,777
    edited September 2014

    Hi Lisa!  I totally know what it's like to be irritated by your mother-in-law.  Honestly, I cannot stand mine.  She is awful.  Is it Buddha that says 'All pain is the same'?  Or was that someone else?  I am sincerely not an expert.  :)

    Anyway, it's funny, because although I completely sympathize, as an outsider I am also jealous of a mother-in-law that straightens up in your house!  I know you appreciate her help... don't mean to say you don't.  But my own mother gives NO help.  My mother-in-law gives less than that.  My children don't know her at all, in fact, because she never visits -- not our choice.  And so, I can't help but be a little envious of your irritating MIL, while simultaneously sympathizing with you about the intrusion :)

    Hugs.  XXXXOOOO

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  • gigi0403
    gigi0403 Member Posts: 2
    edited October 2014

    I am new here and feel like this is the perfect topic for me. I finished chemo in Jan 2014 and radiation 2014. I am now in menopause because of the chemo and I have thyroid issues as well. My moods are CRAZY and I don't know how to handle it. I am really struggling with depression, anxiety and anger issues. I am a single Mom and I am currently working full-time but it is very challenging. I feel very alone and desperate and I don't know where to turn.

    I am thinking about going to a support group this week but I am just not sure if it will be a good fit for me. 

    Newbie-

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  • Thea
    Thea Member Posts: 56
    edited October 2014

    Turn to us!  Also, check out that support group.  It is perfectly okay to stop going if you feel it is not a good fit.  See a psychiatrist and find out if he or she thinks medication would be appropriate, keeping in mind that it is your decision and you are just informing yourself. You may not have been to one yet because the problems are relatively new, or you are afraid of stigma, or afraid that if you take a med you won't be yourself.  There are many reasons only a quarter of depressed people are getting treatment for it.  But treatment can not only make you feel better but prevent complications down the line.  Sometimes just the hopeful feeling you get from taking action makes an immediate difference.  Feel free to send me a private msg if you wish, I would love to be of support.  I feel supported myself just knowing you wrote. It had been awhile and I didn't know if anyone would see it , but I guess there are not that many threads in this forum.  In any case we are all fortunate to have this website and I welcome you here.

    Lisa

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