DIEP 2014

Thanks to all for sharing the 3-4 week slump.  I had my bmx and diep on 9/9 and still needing the pain pills and my energy level is still pretty low.  Trying to walk a few blocks up to a mile a day.  I definitely feel the emotional injury as much as the physical.  Still sleeping sitting up, showering takes a long time because still treating some blisters and my nipples (got to keep them for now), and I am still so limited around the house.  I am still waiting for my onco results and that will determine my future.  So being in limbo stinks!  Although with clothes on, I look pretty normal.  Went to Kohls last night, bought some leggings and long tops.  Thank goodness leggings are back in style. Can't see wearing tights pants with zippers for a while. 

Today is the Jewish new year, so for all those Jewish girls and even those that aren't-here's to a better year for all.  Thanks you so much for sharing.  Without others close by to share similar stories, just reading your stories helps me know that I am not alone in this journey. 

jmb5 - I feel the same way you do. Right now I don't want the reminders of what I just went through. Perhaps that will change as time goes on. This has been so rough on not just me but my whole family. We are still going through this together. My husband has been so great through all of this but I am finding that we tend to get a little "miffed" at each other more easily than before. He has been so strong for me for so long now I can't help but think "who is there for him?". 

I'm not even thinking about nipples yet. My new "girls" are still pretty large for my frame. Not sure when they will schedule my 2nd stage. I am three weeks out today but it sure seems like much longer:)

I hate October!

I am not wild about Pinktober either.  I use to have a Pink Ribbon magnet for my car, which I through away.  It made me sad instead of empowered.

Tbrady, I am hoping my side boob fat will be enough, but if not I guess inner thigh it is...

JMB, sorry you seem to be having a bit of a slump.  I am seeing a BC therapist and one of the things we talked about is how some women become depressed when the whole mess is over.  So, take heart.  What you are going through is not unusual, and does pass. But, if it doesn't maybe talking to somebody, or going to a support group might help. 

I haven't given much thought to Pinktober. October was always mammo month for me because several coworkers had been through breast cancer. I never worried because there was no cancer in my family. October was just time for a routine check up, along with a flu shot. Until last year. October hit right after I'd been through another heart issue and surgery. Everything had already been on max speed and then it continued after my mammo. It was one test after another and then one surgery after another so that nothing really registered until the summer. Then it really hit because medical stuff finally slowed down. As the calendar rolls around, each month could be associated with a medical issue(except February!) so for me so October is just another month but it gets a color. It's not a fall color but I look better in pink than Halloween Orange (not the new black for me). Tomorrow I'm walking in the OneRun sponsored by the Cancer Support Community of North Texas to benefit people with all types of cancer. The shirt is tie dyed in bright colors, no pink.On the 18th I'm going to walk in the Race for the Cure on the Armijo Recon Team. My PS's team focuses on the recovery and moving forward. I don't care what color the shirt is yet, but hope it's not orange. I support recognition, research, and recovery for anyone facing a health issue whether it is associated with pink or ice buckets. I'm grateful for the support I've received and understand that not all have been as fortunate (?) so I understand that some see Pinktober with hope and others with frustration. It's a month with lots of colors. 💝🎃👻

debbiann, I just saw your avatar. I love it! Reminds me of my Fight Like a Girl tee.

October- for me I think the shock of my diagnosis is wearing off and reality is setting in.  I too have mixed feelings.  Of course I want those who would never think to go for their mammogram to get one however, I'm still in the process of deciding who around me should and should not know about what I'm going through.  Why does a part of me want to hide it?  Is it because I don't want to explain my situation to people who aren't close friends?  Is it because I would rather pretend all is normal and I can if I don't share with everyone?  Last night I told my husband through tears that our lives will never be the same again and of course he tried to convince that some good will come from it all.  It's only been 6 weeks since diagnosis and I have already had surgery.  I know it doesn't help that I still need the pain pills to get through the nights and they are probably affecting my mood.  Can some of you share when your "warrior" came through.  Since my diagnosis, I channeled all my energy on finding the best surgeons and deciding what is best for me.  Now since I'm waiting for my onco results, I'm in limbo and spending too much time with my thoughts.  My 17 year old wants to donate her hair.  My 11 year old wants to participate in a cancer walk, and my 15 year old son is venting on instagram with total strangers and getting other teens to share their thoughts.  I wish my warrior would find its way out so that I can stop feeling sorry for myself.  It's getting old. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hello beautiful friends. I've been reading but not posting, and have each one of you in my prayers as I read what is going on. I've had a respiratory thing for the last couple of weeks that really knocked me down, so have been laying low. 

Very interesting conversation about pink-tober. I was talking with a close friend who is a long time oncology nurse and cancer survivior (ovarian) this week about pink-tobeer. She has been asked to speak on a panel next week put on by local hospital about this very thing. It's an ethics group that puts it on and she has been asked to talk about her feelings on all the focus on breast cancer and the very small lens on other types of cancer like ovarian, lung,, prostate, etc in comparison. She asked my opinion and I think it would be nice to see more awareness, research, education, and funding for pt needs collectively for all types of cancer. I personally have a big problem with companies  that pink wash who say buy my product to support breast cancer..for fill in the blank when sometimes very little goes to "said cause". The public is sometimes duped into buying something with good heart, unknowingly adding to some retailers bottom line....October feels a little bit to me like a retail holiday in away with all the commercials and merchandising. I am not against walks and fund raisers and all that good stuff as long as the money trail is going towards something that makes sense! I say forgo all the pink stuff, football gloves, big bags, shirts and all that other stuff and use that money for what we are talking about!! I have been and know many others who have been recipients of the gracious funding of ACS and other charitable organizations for lodging etc. There are some great places out there who do amazing things for folks but don't know that these places are the ones who are at the forefront of pink=tober. Would be interesting to check out! 

I've had a scare this week with my reconstructed breast. I found a extra big peas size lump (hard) while doing scar massage. I found it yesterday. Thankfully the oncologist got me right in and I am scheduled on Monday to have a mammogram, ultrasound and breast mri. I am feeling pretty freaked out but have done some reading and statistically the odds are pretty low for a local reoccurrence since I've had rads, mastectomy, and chemo. It sounds like fat grafting can cause this too but this lump is not in an area of the breast that had fat grafting, it was actually an area where they took fat out. Has anyone had this experience post flap with a hard moveable lump? And these things always happen close to a weekend. Dang the waiting..

Hugs to all who are feeling low and healing to those in their various stages of surgeries. Really would advocate for anyone who is feeling blue to consider talking to someone or getting into a support group. I've found that has been really helpful in my journey. This is such a great group of strong women and I feel so honored to be apart of this group It is nice to be able to come here and vent, share, compare. So many times I've read posts and thought, those could be my words and felt validated and not so alone when I get to some of the low places we all have experienced at one time or another. Thank each one of you for the time and effort you put into your posts. 

Hi smd3, I also struggled with who to tell - my faith in friends has diminished since a few have treated me very differently.  I need my energy

 I didn't want to tell many people because I'm quiet & private. My boss announced it in a meeting at work, in my absence. Now I have 1,800 people knowing - very strange being "checked out" - they stare - or want to hug you - or ask way too many personal questions.  I'm dreading letting anyone at work know that there's another operation in 2015. 

The roller coaster of emotions is a long tough ride, personally.  I wish there was a "summer camp" we could all attend and get pampered ( pain meds - talk - sleep - healthy food - Prozac ) and then return home next year fixed.....  I have to stop reading fantasy.  I didn't have the limbo feeling waiting for onco results, but totally have too much time with my thoughts too.  I wish you chemo-rad free future.   You are a warrior for choosing Diep - I don't believe any of us could have foreseen how much our decision would effect our physical and mental health.  We Are Warriors !

jmb5 & Kb33 -  pink - yep - you ladies are not alone in your thoughts - I hear you - it sucks that the thousands of dollars doesn't go to our expenses - it sure would help in the recovery stage if the added stress of finances was lifted during this time.  I really think most people don't get it - until they get it

thanks for letting me vent too......   Jo Ann

Georgie - before you get the mammogram, ask your PS.  They usually advise against mammogram.  Ultrasound should show what is going on, as will MRI.  Cysts and fat necrosis are incredibly common in recon breasts, but oncologists are not usually familiar enough with flap surgery and prescribe what they would for a woman with natural breasts.  Please put in a call to your PS this weekend so you will have his preference.  

GeorgieGirl - thoughts for you.

Smd3 - I was so wrapped up in my own research that being a warrior was not even on my radar. I designated a friend as my contact and she had a short list of people to keep up to date because I couldnt. I, too, wanted to be normal and not be on e emotionally and physically draining ride. My warrior began when I began to read and learn from other ladies here.mit didn't really blossom until I found a nearby Cancer Support Community and could talk and share in person. We even had "show and tell" which reinforced that I was still normal, just a new normal. Vent here as often as you want. It helps not to hold it in.

Goldie - numb = forever.  Sorry to tell you that, but the nerves rarely regenerate.  If you ignore it, you will get used to it.  I really promise.  On the side of my first MX, the back of my upper arm has been numb for 30 years.  When I was younger and hung in bars, I was always worried about getting burned by a cig and not feeling it.  Never happened.  Not sure about the hardness - my ab is taught but not hard.

Has anyone used studinger  in michigan for a diep?  A friend of a friend wants a diep- I personally don't know anyone that used her for a diep... only implants

thanks

Goldie - That's funny about the worrying that someone's going to burn your arm with a cigarette in a bar. Well, not 'funny' funny, but it reminds me of all the different worries we have, as well as the similar ones. 

jmb5 - I felt really solid too, during my treatment. I rode that wave with strength and determination and not an ounce of self pity (mostly). A year later I was crying in my car and overwhelmed by the smallest of tasks. My inner warrior had laid down her sword and walked away. Those were some very dark times.  I struggled to make a connection between the old me  and my new body and mind as well as people's perceptions of what I was supposed to be. None of the pieces worked together - I was like the Tin Man, all disjointed.  

When I look back I realize that I was slowly rebuilding and it took a while to be steady on my feet. What you're feeling is very normal. And very difficult. Just know that you're not alone, and also know that it is temporary. 

I never felt like a Warrior. I have been walking around putting on a facade of strength and people label me a warrior. No, I'm just trying to get through the days. I never feel strong or in control. I always feel broken. It's been 21 months for me. 

Goldie, I had a pet scan last Monday that showed an "area of metastatic activity". I followed up with MRI and ultrasound and they could clearly see it was "trauma" from all of the (6) surgeries. It's scary until you hear the answer. I did have a pea sized hard, moveable area about 5 months post op very near my mastectomy scar. I freaked out, but it was just scar tissue. It felt so similar to what I had felt before. Try to hang in there until you get the answers. It is hard not to fear the worst, but it more likely not a recurrence. I know, easier said than done. Thinking of you.