Can we have a forum for "older" people with bc?

Chevy- we knew there were problems when they got married. One of our (my) conditions on allowing them to marry was that he get his GED, which he got with no tutoring and not only did he get it, he passed the test with flying colors - no surprise that their son is highly gifted. About 6 weeks into the marriage he quit his job and lived off Tracy for about 7 months. There was a constant cycle of drinking, drugs, not coming home, getting jobs, losing jobs, etc. Then they decided they wanted to start a family, but she said no way until he proved he could be a responsible husband and father. After a year of proving just that, she got pregnant and the drinking etc, started again. She took it for about 18 mos- mainly because she didn't want to hear "I told you so". She thought she was hiding everything pretty well, so was quite surprised when she told all of us she was leaving him, our response was "what took you so long" instead of "why?"

Then he went into the Army and did very well there for 7 years. We all thought he had finally grown up. But a back injury, knee injury and hand problem got him medically discharged. 

 He was supposed to move in with his mom when he got home, but somehow ended up in our house, sort of re-united with Tracy, but not really. They never talked about their relationship, and all Tracy would say when asked was " we are together today, don't know about tomorrow". 

She says he did well for several months - then the old Doug was back, except with the added problem of PTSD, and instant anger outbursts, and a strange sense of entitlement to "our" stuff. Suddenly it was "his" house, "his" garage, "his" yard, etc. 

This did not sit well with any of us, as it has been the family home for 37+ years. He verbally attacked Tim constantly because he didn't feel Tim was contributing enough to the household (he wasn't, but it wasn't Doug's problem,and Doug's financial contributions were erratic at best) and also attacked Jamie for being in the house when he and Tracy weren't there. Again, this has been Jamie's home her entire life,and she only came by to save gas since one child got out of preschool at 12 and the other at 2:00

Our back porch and yard looked like something from Sanford and Son or Hoarders, and he spent 90% of his time sitting on the back porch watching TV or in the yard watching his vegetables grow.

So this has been a long time problem, and 6 or more weeks ago, when they had another fight ( this one being about Tracy not being appropriately grateful that he had bought her a tape measure), when he packed a bag and left, she was a little surprised at how much stress left with him. When he came back the next day for more stuff, she again was more relieved than anything, and when he snuck back in the middle of the night because he had no where to go, she told him it was done and he had to leave.

I think you pretty much know what has happened since then. She spoke to her lawyer today because Doug is threatening to get custody of Dougie based on the fact that Tim is"violent" and a "threat" to Dougie. Lawyer said she has nothing to worry about unless Tim has a record of violent episodes, which he of course doesn't, and the fact that Thurs nights incident was based on a push, not a punch, added to the fact that Doug has diagnosed PTSD and other mental issues for which he is receiving medication, and supposedly counseling, there is no way he would ever be awarded custody, and may end up hurting himself instead of Tracy, because his visitation might be limited to supervised visits only. 

Anne

Jackie, yes!  I forgot about a "payee".....  My Brother's Son, who lost his way, due to just never having to take charge of himself, and got on disability, finally had to have a Payee to distribute his money, better than what HE was doing with it....  He was drinking and smoking it all up within the month, and then homeless the rest of the time.  

FIRST it was his Mother, then she gave up, and his older Sister Laura, became the one watching out for him.... got him off the streets, and a place to live, and doled out his money, so he couldn't GET it, and spend it when it came every month!

She is my little Niece who passed away from Breast, then lung, then brain cancer....   So then the guy found out he could live with various women who had his babies....  Now I heard he is living with one of his Daughter's!  

My Brother just said "enough is enough!"  It is his life, and we are done!   We can't do anything more for that kid.

NOW Kenny is raising his Grandson....  Laura passed away when he was 16....  So since HIS Dad is in a 1/2 way house, my Brother is taking care of him, and NOW he has a job, a car, and is doing VERY well!  He went totally nuts after he lost his Mom..... but my Brother is being everything he needs.....   Helping him, and just teaching him responsibility..... and loving him......  

Anne..... I hope your Daughter does everything she HAS to do to make sure she and her Son are safe....... It doesn't matter now, WHAT Doug wants....  He is not her problem.  Nor yours!  

Carole, hope you have a grand time in Canada.  Used to go often ( first husband's mother was French Canadian so we went often.  From Detroit, and took the tunnel underneath the Detroit river.  Two-lane tunnel and  always exciting with drops of water running down the walls all the time.  It is one of those things that when you get my age you sort of think.....wow !!!  What was I thinking ???  Drip, drip, drip. 

Enjoy.

Jackie

N no one should b alone with him either

Morning gals....  Isn't it funny, that me, especially find that I DON'T have as much patience anymore with stupid behavior!   

Wren, it's like we can see through all the baloney, and can feel what is going on, and what is in the back of someone's mind.  Same with the celebrities and singers....  We just don't have any use for people using other people, and their "It's all about ME" personalities.

Anne, we don't really KNOW what that Dink is doing, or thinking, other than what you are saying, but Blondie is also right....  No-one should be alone with him....!  Even if he is sober, and not on drugs, his mind is still  "working on" how he can get what he wants.  I would just be afraid for all of them....

Going Monday to try and get these tax  worries taken care of.  SOMEone made mistakes with the Investments, and not sending ME the right info to take up to the guy that prepared them last year, so hopefully I can get this off my little brain!  I'm just too old, to try and figure out what THEY are talking about, and why it wasn't done right in the first place....    I feel sorry for folks like my OWN parents, and Grand-parents who were  always trusting other people to work things out for them!  

Morning Jackie, Carole and Termite too!  Ha!  That sounds like a rhyme or something!

We sent our son to a therapeutic boarding school when he was16 because his behavior was destructive to himself and others. It was such a challenge to do as a parent. It ultimately saved him and his dad and me and our marriage. He chose to sign himself out at 18. Because we had a contract as part of the therapeutic process, we did not allow him to come home. Hard love is hard on everyone. He was absent from our lives for a couple of years as he mooched off everyone he knew til he hit bottom. He came back and we've assisted him with school. We had agreed to help with school and living expenses for 4 years. He didn't take anything seriously. Now, he is paying for school with grants and loans, doing well, supporting himself (not in the manner he was accustomed to), and is in a steady relationship. Hopefully, he will finish school since he's finally growing up. We all do, just not at the same pace. Life is not easy.

Teacher, sounds like your son is finally getting on with things.  I really think ( though many get through it ) that it was a little harder for my kids, as well as their kids generations.  When I went to school things were fairly cut and dried.  Of course, I think mine was maybe the last generation pretty much that didn't get tooooo caught up in drugs and lots of rebellion. 

It just wasn't allowable and while there was I think some "sneaking" going on, it was kept to a minimum for the most part and wasn't actually a part of the "daily" scene.  My son went to a 'residential' school.....which he disliked just as much as 'regular' school.  He was and is bi-polar ( really smart when he chooses to be ) and always seems to have SOME issue, but I gave him back to himself when we left California and he does ok, but I usually know when he is in the "lows" -- he usually calls then instead of using the computer.  He is aware and gets through it, but I "worry a bit " while I'm waiting for things to move upwards again.

Teacher, I think ultimately your son will end up feeling good about life and good about himself.  When you have to work for it -- it  I think helps you  to maintain your progress.

Jackie

Yes, Valsa. I'm in rain country, and I like it BUT sometimes it is hard to do. Today my better half wants my help outoors in the cloudy/rainy stuff with a project that I think is really "iffy" (that he should have thought about doing about a month ago when it was still more summery here). I'd like to mail him to the moon.

AlaskaAngel

Hi gals!

DD in Orlando sent me this.....

How much do we notice as we go through a day?????

Lisa Beamer on Good Morning America - If you remember, she's the wife of Todd Beamer who said 'Let's Roll!' and helped take down the plane over Pennsylvania that was heading for Washington, DC back on 9/11.

She said it's the little things that she misses most about Todd, such as hearing the garage door open as he came Home, and her children running to meet him.

Lisa recalled this story: "I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose husband died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death,she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.

With a gentle look of reflection on her face,she paused and said, 'Class is over, I would like to share with all of you, a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important. Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves.

None of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is Nature's wayof telling us that we must make the most out of every single day.Her eyes, beginning to water, she went on, 'So I would likeyou all to make me a promise.From now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice.

It doesn't have to be something you see, it could be a scent, perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground.Please look for these things, and cherish them. For, although it maysound trite to some, these things are the "stuff" of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted.

The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester.Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook. Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot. Or walk on the beach at sunset. 

Yes Jackie.... I made an appointment with a regular Tax place, instead of anyone from AARP.....  I don't know whose fault this was, but it wasn't mine, that's for sure...  She seemed to understand what I was telling her.... so that made me feel a little better.... It will cost me between $75 and $100, but it will be worth it to me....

MAN, I'll be so glad when this is over.... Ha!  

Teacher, that is a GREAT story!  You really saved everyone!  Not only him, and you guys, but everyone he came in contact with!   My Brother had to do the same, finally, with his Son....  but in his case, he just keeps using anyone that will put up with it. 

But my Brother and his wife, have closed the door on him.  That's gotta be so HARD, but after he stole from them, lied all the time, and just NEVER took responsibility for anything, they just gave up.....He is about 53 now I think!   SOME people NEVER learn, and they deserve to be out on the streets.... fending for themselves.  

I'm not cold-hearted, but..... oh wait.... maybe I am....    But you just can't change some people.....  My Brother always said, "What is?...... Is."  

Chevy, your post was a great reminder to look and listen around us and to smell the roses or in my case the sweet allysum as it's the best scent in the garden (my roses have no scent) ... kind of like the "mindfulness" that I have been reading about in a Pema Chodron book.

I have been lurking and wanted you all to know that I am thinking about all of you.  Sweet dreams tonight to all.

Morning gals... Jackie, Lilgoats posted this on the Insomnia thread...

For a number of years I read Sarah Ban Breathnach's book "Simple Abundance" every day. She was a freq. guest on Oprah in the mid 1990s. Gotten out of the habit. She has several entries addressed to the ordinary day and appreciating them. One of them about 7 women killed in a commuter jet crash. It makes me cry even now.

"Today might be tough for you. You might not want the next moment to show itself, to reveal the twists and turns of life's mystery. But at least you have it. You still have life. A choice as to how you will live this precious day.

Don't wish it away. Don't waste it. For the love of all that's holy, redeem one hour. Hold it close. Cherish it. Above all, be grateful for it. Let your thanksgiving rise above the din of disappointment -- opportunities lost, mistakes made, the clamor of all that has not yet come.

And if today is so horrendous that the gift doesn't seem worth acknowledging; it you can't find one moment to enjoy, one simple pleasure to savor, one friend to call, one person to love, one thing to share, one smile to offer; if life is so difficult you don't want to bother living it to the fullest, then don't live today for yourself.

Live it for Nancy, Cheryl, Valerie, Kathleen, Gilda, Elizabeth and Patricia." From Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach"

I just thought this was beautiful....  Now I have to go out and watch the sunrise, with a nice cup of coffee!

Absolutely -- we need to enjoy the moments.  They will become long seconds stretching into minutes.  And share it all with the world or those around us by just radiating love and care every where we go......it changes things for the better.  When we make the world better for us -- we make it better for everyone. 

Love you all

Jackie

Good Morning Ladies---Wow I missed so much and of course I can't remember much so here goes.

AA and Val we're getting no rain yet but it's no doubt going to start soon.

Chevy those cars were great, those guys had lots of ba--energy to get in them.

Carol I thought u were on u'r way home but happy Canada and u sound like u'r having a great time too--How nice it is to still meet up with a BCO sister.

Termite I'm glad u got u'r hours fixed. And remember the BOBS at Riverview Park OMG that was like the scariest Roller coaster and we'd go every summer but I wasn't allowed on that one. Tht was our big fun and some lake I think it was in Wauconda we'd spend a few days there. I live outside of Chicgo now my DD1 works Downtown, but I never go there myself.

Chevy and Jackie u two have been really been adding a lot of thought provoking words to our thread--ver interesting and very true.

BTW Chevy now don't try to be like Jackie she's our completely sane one long with Carole, know u, Jackie will be changed not u. We need level here and u'r tipping things over.

Blondie (HUGS)

Sally are u doing all right?

Anne I agree with the gals, no one is preaching we re just concerned and want things to be in order so u don't have to worry either.

Teacher what u did for u'r son  was great, it's not easy to  make those decisions And a lot of parents don't mke any decisions---but see how it paid off?

It's muggy hot here today, but supposed to change in the next couple of days to cooler, watch it'll be around 50.

My computer isn't running 100% yet so I'm not on it as often and take turns with what I've been going on and haven't been on FB in a few days but had to be on Email yesterday----CHEVY goofy tax problems It amazes me how people who are living comfortable but not going to France and Italy for vacations get looked at the most. My parents were audited one, it was a mess--and they had there's done, but my mom took me with her and 0OK shut up Chevy) I was telling the auditor where his mistake was--That's when I had a brain--it was stupid ciz from then on my parents had me do their taxes-I hated that crap cuz I had to read what no one understands every year cuz they would change it. Now I read a children's book and don't know what I just read.

I had my "D" a couple of times this week which knocked me out--so I was crabby too nd I completely stay by myself--well except for Joey, he rubs my back for me. And of course I was glued to the TV yesterday for Joan Rivers they had a day of remembrance on E--I just watched her the other day and was so shocked  --she went in a clinic for a simple procedure kind of like an endoscopy only for her vocal cords---of course I always tend to think to much knock out stuff, but that cuz I think that way causing all kinds of trouble but for her was fatal. I watched her every week and enjoyed her show. It's sad to me.

If I missed anyone I'm so sorry but this is done by memory so I think u all understand/

K Oldies but goodies--have a good day.

I loved your post Cammie.  Wish you could come on more.  If I had a 'good' computer I'd send it to you......fact is, once I touch them it seems easy for them to go on the downhill slide.  Knock on wood....I haven't had to call my Microsoft service in two or three weeks.  I don't know....I must be in a good spell with things.  I do know that some things can I think sort of jump into your computer as updates are being installed. 

I'm starting to learn to not install all the time when I see a prompt.  I think when you do it manually yourself is when you are a little more apt to have the negative ( jump in on your installation ) type sneak in.  Most of the stuff that is prompted will go in on its own later I believe if you just refuse to do it manually. 

Computers....I'd be lost without mine but oh what a royal "stab" in the butt sometimes.

Jackie