I dont know if I can live like this.

The drop in hormone levels prob means your body is in full menopause, which of course makes you feel so miserable. the good news, it will pass. I was on HRT and had to stop at diagnosis, with no replacement meds. I felt like crap!. but your body will normalize. you will feel better. Just hang on.

You are so welcome, and I know you will feel better.  One day you will wake up and say, "I think I feel a little better" That will be the start of brighter days. I promise.

sorry for the missspelling. So frustrating to type using an iphone. 

I can relate to all of you. Before diagnosis, had been on HRT for about seven years.   Hit menopause early at age 46 and went until age 50 before taking the magic wonder drug. Seven years later, two small tumors and two lakes of dcis were found in my small left breast.  A lumpectomy was off the table and by virtue of that, so was chemo and radiation.  No node involvement. So, mastectomy and reconstruction diep flap for my left breast. (FYI, UK best practices does not advocate prophylactic mastectomy unless in a women/man who has a significantly increased risk of further developing breast cancer and if you have medical insurance (like moi) there are no laws here (like in the US) that require insurance providers to cover prophylactic mastectomy).  

I went through roughly six months of HRT cold turkey when frist diagnosed and felt awful.  It was then when I started taking letrozole that my life took a huge nose dive.  I was physically active before bc arrived and surgery took it's toll, yet I was trying to climb back to where I was with the goal of going beyond what I had before.  That was not going to happen.  The letrozole side effects hit me hard, really hard.  My joints were sore, aching all the time, by 6pm I was on the sofa and could barely move, headaches and the heat had to be on high; I could not feel warm enough. I felt like I was my mother before she died at age 83. Was sprialing in depression and already having weekly therapy.

There are some very stalwart women in the BCO hormonal forums who really push staying the course no matter what and bless them - I'm sure it keeps some from jumping ship. I started to develop shame around it because I must be some whimp not to be able to hack it. Anyway, I did it for three months solid and we had a upcoming family trip to Florence.  I was not looking forward to it in the way I felt and took the decision not to take letrozole during the trip.  By the end of that first week on holiday, I could not believe the difference in who I was and the lack of pain was remarkable.  I went back to my onc and told her I was not going back on letrozole and perhaps something else?  

My Dr. then said if I had reacted this strongly to SE's of letrozole I most likely would to any other drug she could switch me to.  She also said for the small percentage (one and one half percent) that this was offering me, the SE's creating this large of impact on my life - it was not worth taking.  She also set me up with another onc for a second opinion. He crunched the numbers as well on this decision and he too was in agreement with the decision to not take anti hormonals.   

I'm moving towards my third year of clean mammos and feel my decision not to take Al's was the best for me and one I'm comfortably living with. 

My hope is that our post active treatment lives improve and that everyone finds what works best for them -  as each diagnosis is different. 

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meadow, very thoughtful post you wrote to raider girl.  And I too will pray for her and you.  I truly believe in it.  Kim

Raidergirl said: I mourn who I was and I fear what I will become.

Not to minimize your feelings (or anyones) in anyway, this is exactly what my therapist and I were dealing with.  I was minding my own business, tootling along in middle age, enjoying life, feeling like I knew and could control the direction that I'm going and and out of the blue, the bc mac truck, blindsided me.  This entire experience upended everything.  

If you ever stumble across my earlier posts when first diagnosed, you would read a angry, sad, scared, disappointed women who had the rug of life pulled from under her.  And to further compound it, when I woke from my last diep revision  surgery,  July 31st, 2013, my husband (a man who has never once smoked and quit drinking 21 years ago - slim and healthy as a golfing horse) while I was in surgery was off seeing a ENT for a sore throat and came back to take me home with the news that he had stage 2 throat cancer. Talk about blindsided. That put a whole new perspective to my bc experience and took me for another spin (and eventually got righted).

This whole cancer business for me, has been a life changer - for good.  

For some, this bc thing a blip on the screen and status quo resumed or at least that is how I read or project what I'm reading - what they typed out, on this screen. I've read and met in face-to-face women who have lived for years cancer free post active treatment, moved on and don't give it a second thought anymore.  Maybe someday I'll be one of them, yet for now, two and a plus years in or out - whatever, I'm not there but I'm in a better place than when I started - because everything does change - time helps and action on my part helped as well.  

What moved me further in my questioning of self beliefs and acceptance of where I now found myself was a technique my therapist used called EMDR.  This was particularly useful for the fear and the (this was my head talk) " I'm now damaged goods - I or my life will never good again" that held me. Using EMDR, that thread was pulled quickly to what the underpinning really was from my past.  If this would work well for you, I don't know, you could try it and see.  It did help me a great deal and I'm grateful to have the insights offered.  Time has been a factor too - moving through different treatments and getting to the other side - to view it from another angle has helped too.  

Gentle advice, keep typing/talking and many threads here at BCO will give you answers to the physical issues of radiation or any active treatment. Your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable with us is also bringing your fear to light and that is helping you to move forward.  I'm here reading and responding.

Thank you Meadow.

Hi Raidergirl,

Yep ... I've felt like that before.  Diagnosis and treatment were scary and I felt so sick.  I wondered if I was ever going to be the same again.  Like you, I was on HRT when I was diagnosed.  They stopped the HRT on the spot ... and I went into immediate menopause.  It was hard to get through, but I can tell you that 7 1/2 years later, I feel great.  Sometimes I think about the cancer coming back, but most of the time I feel better than I did before I was diagnosed.

There truly is light at the end of the tunnel.

big hugs,

Bren

Hi Raidergirl,

I'm in a better place physically, emotionally and mentally since I was diagnosed and treatment ended.  It's better for me as I have lost a lot of weight, I'm more relaxed (don't sweat the small shit like I used to) and find I've slowed my mental pace a bit.  Cancer changes you forever .. there is no doubt about that.  The first few years after treatment I was still living with a lot of fear in my life and anxiety about what was going to happen next.  I have a more "one day at a time" attitude now.  Worrying incessantly if the cancer is going to come back robs me of my peace of mind and quality of life.  That's not to say that I don't think about a recurrence ... I do, and it's perfectly normal for a survivor ... it just doesn't cause me to have anxiety attacks like it used to. 

And to your point about the love and support on these forums ... since having breast cancer, I have made tons of fabulous friends from BCO.  We have met in person many, many times over the years.  My life has been enriched by the experience and all the friends and support I have in my life now.

hugs,

Bren

Raidergirl,

I was about 20 lbs overweight at the time of my diagnosis.  And then in the first years after treatment, I gained another 20 lbs.  It was a difficult time for me.  So a couple years ago I decided to reduce my calories and dropped the 40 lbs.  I also started feeling more hopeful about the future.  When you're first diagnosed and in treatment, it feels like that is all you're ever going to know ... cancer ... and be focused on.  Thankfully, I realized I had a choice and some control over certain aspects of my life.  I had to let go of some of my worries about the cancer coming back because I really have no control over that.  The first year or two my every thought was dominated with cancer and researching this or that. 

Wishing you all the best,

Bren

Raidergirl, I'm in a different place now and not sure if it's better or worse.  I'm more aware of the ordinary subtleties of everyday life.  I'm physically in better shape than before and would have chosen not to go through a mx/reconstruction to get there.  

I lost what I considered a dear friend because I blurted my bottled up truth to her - of what I thought of her so called positive support that squashed - minimized to the nth degree emotions I expressed - the day husband and I returned from his consult laying out his god-awful (made what I went through look like a walk in the park)  treatment plan to come.  Two years of back-to-back cancer intensity has taken it's toll on friends/family - over whelming for some, who found greater comfort in retreating.  My husbands family live in northern UK and they have not seen him since just before knowing dx - he did not want them around, especially his mother and sister. I have a sense she blames me for that through little digs thrown in phone conversations now and then. She never really understood what we each of us have gone through. Her projections are easier to digest and accept.

We all have our own way of trying to deal with the changes and the low physical and emotional point this ride takes us on.  Sometimes, the best we do is just to get up and face another day of treatment and hang on for the turn of the wheel.