Starting Chemo in April 2014

I just showed my husband the photo.  He said "does she rent it?" 

Hey Sandra - I understand your stress and I think we all go through it at different times and for different reasons.   I think all we can do is trust that the treatment worked and wait for symptoms to have anything checked out.  That is what my MO has said - that he will explore and do tests as deemed appropriate on symptoms.  I also know that we have to give our bodies time to heal from the chemo so we know if the issues we are having are SE's or something else.  It is scary but you have to go back to prior to BC - if you had a pain or a headache or something we didn't immediately think we were dying - we have to find a place where we can live without constant fear and anxiety.  We will get there - we just gotta be patient.

Sandra, I feel the exact same way. I think we all do. I'm  almost 4 weeks PFC and stress out that maybe I needed more. I had my simulation the other day and spent 40 minutes on the CAT scan table and I kept freaking out like they were going to come in and tell me they saw something. Will the anxiety ever stop???

I'm also done with the bald, puffy and tired version of myself. It's hard to look in the mirror, I don't recognize the person staring back at me. I can only pray for the patience I need until things start changing. 

Congratulations lilyrose!!! How awesome to be a Chemo Grad!

Ddkath - Regarding weight loss: I found I started losing weight when I STOPPED exercising so much. True story. I found that the more I pushed myself, the more my legs would swell, and the less weight I would lose. SO, I decided to take days off - I walk for a couple of days (some days 10 minutes, some days 40 minutes - whatever I feel up to), then rest for a day. I elevate my feet whenever I'm sitting or laying down, and I drink disgusting amounts of water. I also limit my sodium intake. But the thing that had the most impact was slowing down my work-outs. Who knew, right?

Sandra - I think we all worry that the chemo has failed, that we have completely wasted our time with all the CRAP that we put ourselves through. That little voice in our heads that whispers "what if?" is nasty, and has the potential to cause so much damage to the life we've been fighting for. I tell it to SHUT UP and BACK OFF and LEAVE ME ALONE every morning, before it even speaks. Because I know that if I let it get a foothold, I'll never be free of the fear. Ever. 

Here's the thing. Not one of us here expected to hear the words "You have cancer." And now that we have, and we KNOW that it CAN happen to us, we are naturally going to worry that it WILL. Which is perfectly rational. Now, I can't speak for anyone else, but for me? Chemo was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And the way I see it, I did NOT put myself through 4 months of HELL just so I can live the rest of my life in fear. So I TRY, every day, to NOT worry, to have Faith in God, my doctors, the treatment. Which is, of course, easier said than done. But I'm getting there. Just like all the other lingering side effects, the fear fades a little bit more each day. So HANG IN THERE. And, as always, we have your back.

Oh, and P.S. I am SO OVER being bald. And it is so NOT FAIR that my lashes and brows continue to fall out 6 weeks PFC. I have exactly EIGHT lower lashes left - 3 on one eye and 5 on the other. Yes, I counted. Even worse are my upper lashes - each eye has only HALF remaining. As in, only ONE SIDE of each eyelid has lashes. I look ridiculous. And also hilarious.  

Lily, congratulations on finishing.  I was super emotional, too, after my last treatment on Tuesday.  I got all teary eyed with my sister and the nurses. Lots of hugging going on.  Two days later and  I am still emotional,  and super tired, much more so than previous weeks.  I think I had been pushing through the emotional and physical toll that chemo has on my body and it all surfaced.

Good tips on losing weight, cold.  I finally got back on the scale yesterday after 2 weeks of living in denial even though my chemo belly was growing at a very fast rate.  Gained over 5 lbs in past two weeks and it is all in my chemopause/menopause belly.  It hasn't helped that I haven't exercised much other than a couple of walks the past few weeks. Have been too busy working and getting my daughter off to college so DH and I could become empty nesters.  I am so ready to get over the fatigue and get my body strong again!

And the lashes? I quit wearing mascara a few weeks ago when my daughter told me I looked scary with it on. I guess my attempt at trying to strategically place them to hide the gaps wasn't helping nor the fact that there were only a few in the center of my upper lids any way.  My brows are completely penciled in and connected by fine white hairs.  Boy I thought this was it....no idea that they could fall out weeks PFC!

I am curious when those of you several weeks PFC felt more like your normal self? Specifically, I have an opportunity to travel to Latin America end of September for work.  A part of me wants to go and yet another part of me worries it is too soon and will take too much out of me.  I asked my onco nurse on Tuesday and she thought my WBC should be back to normal levels soon and I would be ok to go from that perspective.  I am so torn.  If I go I need to be assured I have to stamina for full days of work followed by business dinners. When I get tired chemo brain hits at the moment.  Is 3 weeks PFC enough time to be through that?

Thanks much,Ann

Ddkath - yep, this bald puffy version has got to go!

Lilyrose - congrats! Such respect to those of you who also do the 12 doses of taxol/taxotere.

Cold - great words to live by ( as always - you know what to say)

Clarrn - laughing is good!

Mmtagirl - can only speak for myself, but 6 weeks PFC seemed to be a turning point. Travel would have been tough at 3 weeks - can you possibly go, but participate with a reduced schedule if necessary? We have a trip to Disney planned at the end of September - I'm feeling a little more confident I can make it without a scooter!

And, as others have said, it's easier said than done, but we don't want to be :

oops, Sandra - I missed you in my rundown.  Good luck on finishing up - you are almost there!

congrats lilyrose! 

Ddkath...I am so with you! I'm six weeks PFC and still feeling puffy...and the bald look just isn't working for me  

Cold...as always, you have a way with words that makes me want to say "yes, what she said." 

I just did my 16th of 33 radiation treatments. So far so good!  I'm still dealing with severe hot flashes though.  I finally asked my MO for help, and he prescribed Efexor.  I've heard scary things about being on this drug (horrible withdrawals), but I'm desperate.  I'm literally drenched with sweat most of everyday, and I can't sleep more than 90 minutes. Is anyone else PFC still experiencing hot flashes like this?

Thinking of you all...wishing you a wonderful day!

Not only have my eyebrows been growing, five weeks PFC, but my moustache!  Yippee! I just plucked about 10 hairs and I've never been so happy to do so!  Wish the hair on my head was growing as well.  

saw this on cape cod during my week off- too funny and had to share! What do you think my kids were desperate to do?

Cold, as always, your words are spot on.  Thank you so much for putting into words what most of us are feeling and reminding me that everything I went through was not for nothing.  I too have lost almost all my eyebrows PFC and some lashes.  I am so tired of being bald and puffy.  Just when I thought I was no longer puffy, I saw a picture of myself that I almost didn't recognize.  Okay, good thoughts from here on out.

Timbuktu - I was wondering the same thing! I have some longer strands and some shorter strands. Should we shave it all down to the same length? I'm just so darn happy to have SOMETHING up there, I'm scared to mess with it!

MommyQ - I had all white hairs on top until about 2 weeks ago. There are now some darker hairs mixed in with the white, except that the darker hairs seem to be mostly located on the SIDES of my head, while the white hairs have taken over the TOP. I am SO going to look like a SKUNK if this continues. And with no eyelashes or eyebrows...well, Halloween should be easy this year. lol!

mmtagirl - At 3 weeks PFC, I, personally, would NOT have felt up to any kind of travelling. I'm at 6 weeks PFC tomorrow and I STILL don't feel like I'm back to "normal". Like SharonDe said - could you go with a reduced schedule? I would hate to see set-backs in your recovery because you did too much. That being said, only you can say how much is too much, right?

SharoneDe - "Anxiety Girl" - love that!

Breast turned bright red today  Back on antibiotics,  no fever yet, hope it stays away this time!

Hello all! Haven't been on here for 2 weeks ...life got busy! 

I need to read through the last few pages of posts, but don't have a lot of time right now.

Am 3 weeks PFC and head is really clearing.  No more muscle or joint pain.  I only had slight neuropathy in my finger tips and that is gone.

My head keeps thinking I can do a lot now ... But my body says no :-). Energy is coming back very slowly. 

Have peach fuzz on my head!! Hard to see but it is there!  

Started radiation yesterday ... Will have 23 whole breast then 7 boosts, for 30 in total.  2 done, 28 more to go :-). 

Surgical breast started leaking last week again .. Due to the cellulitis I was told.  Was afraid that it would delay radiation, but it stopped and there was no infection that goodness. 

Looking forward to reading what everyone has been up to the last two weeks ... Probably will catch up in the next few days! 

ColdinCanada: Well, that's good to hear that the hair with color can come in later. A skunk-do would be interesting.

Timbuktu & Cold: I also have some longer hairs mixed in with the 1/4 inch white stubble. I'm not going to shave it. I'm going to leave it alone until it's all long enough to cut into some sort of hairstyle.

Clarrn: Sorry to hear you got an infection. Good you got on antibiotics early.

MakeLemonade: I agree with you. Losing facial hair made me feel more like a chemo patient than losing hair on top of my head! And yay for taste buds coming back! It makes eating much more fun.

Have a great Labor Day weekend!