Why are they afraid of me?

I so understand!!  Last summer when I was sick as a dog from Chemo my best friend of over 20 years stoped  calling.  With the first couple of treatments i did ok, she would call, ask how I was then tell me all her problems (hubby)  After the 3rd treatment I could barely sit up, much less talk, so she quit calling.  Never ask if she could bring a meal...nothing! After a couple of months she started calling again like
nothing had happened. I still talk to her but I lost respect for her as a person.  I never in a million years expected that from her. We had seen some bad things in both our lifes and was there for each other... but it was like she was afraid cancer might rub off on her. My poor hubby did everything for me....with very little help from anyone. 

Diva - I can't tell you how much your experience shocked me!  Wow!  I hope your neighbors realize that they have some bad karma coming their way!  OMG.  Shocking.

Yes - I'm experiencing the same thing (but not to the extent of some of you who are shunned from social events.....sigh).  I had an old friend actually call me the other day and apologize for not being there for me.  I think it all freaks them out.  Not a good excuse - just a reason.  My only worry is that I'm going to burn my hubby out....

Irish Mom/Deb

Hmmm...I read several very interesting stories in a literature course I took recently (to earn my BA in English at age 55, thank you very much, [takes bow]).  They were classics that shared a theme. It reminds me that, when we are no longer what we once were, shallow people no longer want to support us. Some wedding vows ask that we remain there for each other in "sickness and health," but friends and relatives don't take those vows, do they?

One was Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilych, in which a man becomes sick and his family, who has always relied on him to pay their way in life, finds it too distasteful to care for him.  He is attended to by his man-servant.  Of note: Tolstoy himself became fatally ill on a train ride, and was cared for by a rail worker who took him into his home until his death.

Another was Marquez's A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings. It is a man who essentially seems to be an Angel, but filthy and speaking a language no one can understand (like "Her2 and mets).  He is made to live in a chicken coop instead of being offered any hospitality and encouragement.  People pay to see him for awhile, until a new freak shows up and takes over their curiosity.

I can't recall the name of the third.  But it had something to do with people they'd not thought were their friends surprising them by coming from out of the dark shadows of their backyard, into the light of the party they were attending.   It was by a female Asian author and it is about a women who moved with her husband who'd accepted a job at a new location.  They decided to throw themselves a party when the husband was relocated, to say goodbye. The wife felt they'd never been accepted by the other coworkers' families because he was not at the professional level of most of the rest of the staff, so they'd kept themselves apart, and not developed relationships. They were terribly surprised to find that everyone showed up, and were extremely complimentary to this couple. Either they'd missed realizing this, or the people were behaving differently now that they knew this couple would be leaving.  But they had a special needs child, and they had a very close relationship with the hospital staff. They'd had no choice but to let these people into their lives, and they were very sorry to leave them because they'd become like family.

What's my point? Well, to prove I learned something in the class, of course.  OK, it's really to say that real friends need to be their for each other through thick and thin, and not just for the girls night at the bar or the fireworks or shopping.  But that we have to work on keeping that relationship too. And it definitely CAN be work.  I know my house was overflowing with flowers after my surgery--which was a piece of cake.  The diagnosis was new, people were aware. But, when I later took chemo, it was so much tougher and I heard from no one.  I needed help with my daughter, help with food, etc.  But I didn't TELL people, so they didn't KNOW I needed it.  Those who did know were unsure.  They'd all had surgeries, but they hadn't had cancer and they hadn't had chemo.  They didn't know when they were overstepping their bounds, didn't know what to ask, didn't know there WAS help and encouragement they could offer.  Didn't know if they SHOULD bring it up.  You know, we complain when they say the wrong thing too. 

Best to everyone as we get through this.

wow, I am so sorry to hear that!  I experienced some of the same.  It sucks.  Hoping it just takes time for people to get over their own fears, anxiety, denial, whatever it is, and reach out.   I do feel that going forward i will be so much more empathetic when someone I know is diagnosed with a scary illness.  Even if you don't know the person really well, just to  acknowledge that they are going thru a tough time.

If they take offense and tell me to F off, well, I'll just F off and say a little prayer 😀

Homemom

I am so sorry that you have to deal with such insensitive people. 

I often wonder how I was before cancer at being sympathetic to situations that I have not experienced. I feel that I can honestly say I would never say anything as ignorant as the comments you described. I think it has to be in your personality to be so insensitive to people that are going through what we have all been through. 

I too have had my share of ignorant people. My neighbour (male) who shaves his head by choice has said things like " it's no big deal to have no hair, look at me" I said to him " ok then, go home and shave your wife's head and see how she feels about being bald"  That shut him up for a little while! Lol!  

Good thing we have each other! 

Hugs to you!  

RaiderGirl: how are you feeling? Has the fatigue kicked in? I finished my Rads last April. The RO nurse kept asking I I had any fatigue. I didn't notice any. Then a few weeks later I felt so much more energetic and realized I must have been fatigued but unaware.

I am so sorry to hear about everyone that has been rejected and neglected by their friends at a time in our lives that we need friends more than ever.

Some people lack sensitivity and empathy. They don't know what lies ahead  for them in their lives.

So glad we have each other on this forum!!!

Take care,

Andrea

hey sweetie, some are in shock too and don,t know what to say, my favorite cousin,like a sister to me, never called or came to see me, it hurt so much but I got over it and when she got sick I was there each time, no revenge just Love for each of us are different and react in different ways, msphil(idc,stage, 0/3 nodes, L mast chemo and rads and 5 yrs on tamoxifen)

RaiderGirl - Thanks for starting a clearly useful, helpful discussion. How are you doing now, a few months out (I would expect) from the end of your radiation?

By the way, I LOVE your tag line. Couldn't have said it better.

Oh, I'm SO sorry to hear that, RG. I understand - right now it doesn't seem as though there's any escaping it; it gets either your body or your psyche. I suspect at some point one learns the balancing act needed but neither you nor I are there at this time.

Please do NOT apologize for "dumping" on me. That IS what we are here for. This isn't any easy dx to live with and we shouldn't have to try to pretend that it is. I hate this stuff.

I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.

I'm so glad that I found this topic, as I have spent the last two weeks recovering from my BMX and processing my disappointment in my family and friends who have not been supportive during this time. My husband and best friend are wonderful, but almost everyone else in my life has really let me down, from my two sisters-in-law, both of whom I've barely heard a word from since my diagnosis five months ago, to my mother-in-law who was supposed to help take care of my baby while I was recovering and instead got "sick" herself, to a close friend who simply disappeared when she heard the news. I know that cancer is very scary to most people and brings up a lot of negative emotions, and I also know that many people do care but don't know what to say or do. Still, I would have thought more people would have risen above their fear and uncertainty to do the right thing by me. I don't need food and I don't need flowers, but a ten-second email or text would take so little effort from them and mean so much to me. It's really making me reevaluate who I want in my life after I'm done with treatment...

RG - your husband sounds like a very insightful person (as do you). I'm going to keep his approach in mind.

How did things go with your mammo., etc., yesterday? Any clues yet?

@RaiderGirl - Thanks so much for sharing you husband's wisdom. My own wonderful husband has been advocating Option #1, but I think it's the wrong time in my life to make any decisions that would significantly impact my relationships with important people like my brothers, especially since I want my son to know them and their children. I think for them, Option #2 is more practical - but I'm not at the point yet where I can accept and forgive their behavior, or lack thereof. I still have nine months of adjuvant chemo to get there, I guess!

As you say, peace of heart and mind is the goal - any way to get there is okay in my book.

I just found this topic, and it's helped me feel better already. My experience is like everyone else's on this thread. I don't feel like going into a long narrative, but just wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to write.

RG, I pray you are getting some good news