Why are they afraid of me?

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  • shoppygirl
    shoppygirl Member Posts: 694
    edited August 2014

    Wow Diva,

    That is so awful and ignorant.  Sounds very similar to a situation I encountered.  I posted about here. 

    People are so awful and self absorbed. The problem is that no one thinks this can happen to them and they have no idea how difficult it is to deal with. 

  • RaiderGirl
    RaiderGirl Member Posts: 419
    edited August 2014

    Diva77

    See that is just what I am talking about. They were AFRIAD that your cancer would bring THEM down. They are afraid. It sucks rocks.

    I have cried a river but now I am over it. A called an ex co-worker who was DX 11 years ago. I updated her on my situation. We talked for 2 hours. She told me that no one wanted to talk to her when she was in treatment and she was so happy to allow me to vent but also to share her experience with me. I felt so good after that call.

     I send you a Cyber hug.

  • RaiderGirl
    RaiderGirl Member Posts: 419
    edited August 2014

    TB90

    As I said earlier I am married to a Super-hero. The man amazes me daily.

    After talking long enough to consume a pot of coffee we came to this conclusion.

     I should decide now one fo the two below actions which will empower me .

    #1 Use this DX as a tool to weed out  people . Reduce the friend chain to a few precious gems.

    #2 Resolve to forgive all shortcomings. Accepting what they can contribute to my life when they can knowing all along that I choose to accept these limitations so the power is alll mine.

    Super-hero husband says that the choice is mine and neither is right or wrong.

    I'm not sure which way to go. Today I am feeling bitchy not so nice.

  • Retta175
    Retta175 Member Posts: 7
    edited August 2014

    I so understand!!  Last summer when I was sick as a dog from Chemo my best friend of over 20 years stoped  calling.  With the first couple of treatments i did ok, she would call, ask how I was then tell me all her problems (hubby)  After the 3rd treatment I could barely sit up, much less talk, so she quit calling.  Never ask if she could bring a meal...nothing! After a couple of months she started calling again like
    nothing had happened. I still talk to her but I lost respect for her as a person.  I never in a million years expected that from her. We had seen some bad things in both our lifes and was there for each other... but it was like she was afraid cancer might rub off on her. My poor hubby did everything for me....with very little help from anyone. 

  • Helenna
    Helenna Member Posts: 86
    edited August 2014

    Same thing here! Friend since about age 6 sent me a text before my surgery and said she would call that night, that was 8 weeks ago and not heard a thing.

    Sure don't understand it either, but I try to not let it get to me, they are the ones with the problem. 

    Then there are the ones who have been supportive that you didn't expect, such pleasant surprise!

    And all the gals here are always the best!   xoxo

  • MomtoIrishQuads
    MomtoIrishQuads Member Posts: 128
    edited August 2014

    Diva - I can't tell you how much your experience shocked me!  Wow!  I hope your neighbors realize that they have some bad karma coming their way!  OMG.  Shocking.

    Yes - I'm experiencing the same thing (but not to the extent of some of you who are shunned from social events.....sigh).  I had an old friend actually call me the other day and apologize for not being there for me.  I think it all freaks them out.  Not a good excuse - just a reason.  My only worry is that I'm going to burn my hubby out....

    Irish Mom/Deb

  • SoCalLisa
    SoCalLisa Member Posts: 13,961
    edited August 2014

    Many people just don't know what to say or do. I told most of my friends and family.  I explained what was happening. I called them  or emailed them.  I would ask for one thing for them to help me with that was short lived like drive me to chemo and just drop me off.  Someone else to just pick me up . It gave me a one on one time with them that didn't drag on or committed them to do something long time. I have noticed that now with texting and Facebook there are a lot fewer emails overall. I did give email blasts with any updates on my condition.  Some people are also just afraid it could happen to them. We started a BCO LUNCH BUNCH here in San Diego. We meet about every month or so and have fun together. We also take care of business if someone needs to. I guess what I am saying is to be proactive. Sending hugs. 

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2014

    Hmmm...I read several very interesting stories in a literature course I took recently (to earn my BA in English at age 55, thank you very much, [takes bow]).  They were classics that shared a theme. It reminds me that, when we are no longer what we once were, shallow people no longer want to support us. Some wedding vows ask that we remain there for each other in "sickness and health," but friends and relatives don't take those vows, do they?

    One was Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilych, in which a man becomes sick and his family, who has always relied on him to pay their way in life, finds it too distasteful to care for him.  He is attended to by his man-servant.  Of note: Tolstoy himself became fatally ill on a train ride, and was cared for by a rail worker who took him into his home until his death.

    Another was Marquez's A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings. It is a man who essentially seems to be an Angel, but filthy and speaking a language no one can understand (like "Her2 and mets).  He is made to live in a chicken coop instead of being offered any hospitality and encouragement.  People pay to see him for awhile, until a new freak shows up and takes over their curiosity.

    I can't recall the name of the third.  But it had something to do with people they'd not thought were their friends surprising them by coming from out of the dark shadows of their backyard, into the light of the party they were attending.   It was by a female Asian author and it is about a women who moved with her husband who'd accepted a job at a new location.  They decided to throw themselves a party when the husband was relocated, to say goodbye. The wife felt they'd never been accepted by the other coworkers' families because he was not at the professional level of most of the rest of the staff, so they'd kept themselves apart, and not developed relationships. They were terribly surprised to find that everyone showed up, and were extremely complimentary to this couple. Either they'd missed realizing this, or the people were behaving differently now that they knew this couple would be leaving.  But they had a special needs child, and they had a very close relationship with the hospital staff. They'd had no choice but to let these people into their lives, and they were very sorry to leave them because they'd become like family.

    What's my point? Well, to prove I learned something in the class, of course.  OK, it's really to say that real friends need to be their for each other through thick and thin, and not just for the girls night at the bar or the fireworks or shopping.  But that we have to work on keeping that relationship too. And it definitely CAN be work.  I know my house was overflowing with flowers after my surgery--which was a piece of cake.  The diagnosis was new, people were aware. But, when I later took chemo, it was so much tougher and I heard from no one.  I needed help with my daughter, help with food, etc.  But I didn't TELL people, so they didn't KNOW I needed it.  Those who did know were unsure.  They'd all had surgeries, but they hadn't had cancer and they hadn't had chemo.  They didn't know when they were overstepping their bounds, didn't know what to ask, didn't know there WAS help and encouragement they could offer.  Didn't know if they SHOULD bring it up.  You know, we complain when they say the wrong thing too. 

    Best to everyone as we get through this.

  • HockeyCat
    HockeyCat Member Posts: 222
    edited August 2014

    I was diagnosed with Stage 2 IDC on the same day as you. That was a day before my birthday... :( I told my mother and sister who lives in Japan. My sister has been very supportive, checking on me but didn't get much response from my mother. But my sister told me that my mom is worried about me but didn't know what to tell me. 

  • RaiderGirl
    RaiderGirl Member Posts: 419
    edited August 2014


    HockeyCat,

     My best friend since elementary school has sent one card and one text....I have not heard from her since. It really hurts.

    I think sometimes its best to get support from those who know, those who are where you are or have been there. Other BC survivors.  I am heading for some intense radiation . I have been prepared by the rad center that I will feel extreme fatigue part way through. They have offered all sorts of support for this and warned me not to compare myself to others.

      I'm ok with this and I am ready for it. I froze 20+ meals and cleaned the house top to bottom and am now trying to catch up at work.

     I mentioned these preps and the fatigue forecast to my sister-in-law . She said that was ridiculous because so-and-so had rads and felt nothing.  I thought I would hear words of encouragement, or a compliment on my organization. I thought I would hear anything except the trivializing of this experience.

    This is just one of the many stupid ass comments I have gotten from people.

    So, HockeyCat I am beginning to believe that the Universe is protecting me . I am going except the silence from friends and family as a better alternative to the insensitivity.

    I hope all the good possible comes your way.

    RaiderGirl

     

  • HockeyCat
    HockeyCat Member Posts: 222
    edited August 2014

    Thank you RaiderGirl. A friend of mine introduced me to her friend who went through this a few years ago. She is giving me lots of helpful information. Unless they experience it themselves, some people don't understand... 

    I'm starting my chemo next month. I'll try to stay positive throughout the treatment.

    HockeyCat

  • emrose1
    emrose1 Member Posts: 4
    edited August 2014

    wow, I am so sorry to hear that!  I experienced some of the same.  It sucks.  Hoping it just takes time for people to get over their own fears, anxiety, denial, whatever it is, and reach out.   I do feel that going forward i will be so much more empathetic when someone I know is diagnosed with a scary illness.  Even if you don't know the person really well, just to  acknowledge that they are going thru a tough time.

    If they take offense and tell me to F off, well, I'll just F off and say a little prayer 😀

  • HomeMom
    HomeMom Member Posts: 1,198
    edited August 2014

    I have two neighbors I used to walk on and off with at night. We have known each other 13 years now.  I told them about my dx and they were both very concerned. One of them text me a couple times after my surgeries and I haven't heard from her since. The other one has come over to give me my nuelasta shot (she is a nurse) but they own a property up north and have spent a lot of time up there over the summer so she did that the first four times and nothing from her since. No one has even text messaged me "How are you doing"?  That's all I need.  The woman my MO gave me to talk to who has been down this road and who was a total stranger before this all happened has contacted me throughout. 

    My sis likes to say the usual "Your hair will grow back" "In a year you'll have your hair and new boobs"  and my personal fave "We all have cancer in our bodies"  I like to come here so I can vent my fears and frustrations because I don't hear that kind of response when I do vent.  I can confidently say that I would never have said the above to someone battling cancer before I was dx.  Most don't get it.

  • shoppygirl
    shoppygirl Member Posts: 694
    edited August 2014

    Homemom

    I am so sorry that you have to deal with such insensitive people. 

    I often wonder how I was before cancer at being sympathetic to situations that I have not experienced. I feel that I can honestly say I would never say anything as ignorant as the comments you described. I think it has to be in your personality to be so insensitive to people that are going through what we have all been through. 

    I too have had my share of ignorant people. My neighbour (male) who shaves his head by choice has said things like " it's no big deal to have no hair, look at me" I said to him " ok then, go home and shave your wife's head and see how she feels about being bald"  That shut him up for a little while! Lol!  

    Good thing we have each other! 

    Hugs to you!  

  • RaiderGirl
    RaiderGirl Member Posts: 419
    edited August 2014

    HomeMom, I nearly swooned when I read We All Have Cancer In Our Bodies. WTF are they thinking when they say things like that? 

    I have fears of tomorrow. Am I cancer free? Will this return? What are these meds doing to my body? You know... anyway a dear family member said to me that none of us know when we will die that she can get hit by a truck tomorrow. Really!?  so lets trade, you take the cancer and I'll take the truck scenario.

    I sincerely believe they dont know what to say. 

  • AndreaJ50
    AndreaJ50 Member Posts: 889
    edited September 2014

    RaiderGirl: how are you feeling? Has the fatigue kicked in? I finished my Rads last April. The RO nurse kept asking I I had any fatigue. I didn't notice any. Then a few weeks later I felt so much more energetic and realized I must have been fatigued but unaware.

    I am so sorry to hear about everyone that has been rejected and neglected by their friends at a time in our lives that we need friends more than ever.

    Some people lack sensitivity and empathy. They don't know what lies ahead  for them in their lives.

    So glad we have each other on this forum!!!

    Take care,

    Andrea

  • RaiderGirl
    RaiderGirl Member Posts: 419
    edited September 2014


    AndreaJ50 ,

    I planned on not admitting it outloud. Its as if I don't say it , then it doesn't exist . Alas, my plan didn't work, fatigue waltzed in anyway. Rad are early morning, then I go straight to the office and I try to put in a full day. I don't sleep well so that's not helping either.

    Luckily, DH and I own and operate this business . No one can tell the 2nd in command that she cant take a nap on the couch in the conference room. Im about to do that now.

    Thanks for asking. It feels better knowing someone asked.Smile

     

  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited September 2014

    hey sweetie, some are in shock too and don,t know what to say, my favorite cousin,like a sister to me, never called or came to see me, it hurt so much but I got over it and when she got sick I was there each time, no revenge just Love for each of us are different and react in different ways, msphil(idc,stage, 0/3 nodes, L mast chemo and rads and 5 yrs on tamoxifen)

  • Trvler
    Trvler Member Posts: 3,159
    edited January 2015

    Wow, some of these stories are heartbreaking. But not totally unexpected. I understand the whole not knowing what to say to people. There are so many situations now where no matter what you say to someone, it is wrong. Most people mean well, but I agree some are just selfish people. I told my mom the other day and we spent more time talking about her recent cold. This is why I don't really want to tell people, although admittedly, two of my best friendships have blown up in the last year and half anyway, which in some ways, makes this even harder for me.

    Raider: I am glad to hear that you reconnected with your friend.

  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited January 2015

    RaiderGirl - Thanks for starting a clearly useful, helpful discussion. How are you doing now, a few months out (I would expect) from the end of your radiation?

    By the way, I LOVE your tag line. Couldn't have said it better.

  • RaiderGirl
    RaiderGirl Member Posts: 419
    edited February 2015

    Hopeful

    Wow thanks for checking up on me.   Thursday I went for my 3 months checkup with the radiologist. He did a breast examine. He found "something".  I am scheduled for a diagnostic mammo Tuesday, followed by a sonogram if needed, followed by a biopsy if needed.

    Really? They radiated me until I glowed in the dark, They said everything was clear and now this!

      If Tuesday is bad news the only path is total mastectomy which  distresses me so much that I cant bring myself to even think about it for a second.

    If Tuesday is good news, they will always and forever be "hunting" for cancer. So really my friend, this nightmare never ends.

    ( ask me again another day, I may feel less sh*tty)

    Sorry to dump on you.

  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited February 2015
    Oh, I'm SO sorry to hear that, RG. I understand - right now it doesn't seem as though there's any escaping it; it gets either your body or your psyche. I suspect at some point one learns the balancing act needed but neither you nor I are there at this time.

    Please do NOT apologize for "dumping" on me. That IS what we are here for. This isn't any easy dx to live with and we shouldn't have to try to pretend that it is. I hate this stuff.

    I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.
  • Trvler
    Trvler Member Posts: 3,159
    edited February 2015

    RaiderG: I am going to be thinking of you Tuesday and I hope it is nothing.

  • emily_the_cat
    emily_the_cat Member Posts: 29
    edited February 2015

    I'm so glad that I found this topic, as I have spent the last two weeks recovering from my BMX and processing my disappointment in my family and friends who have not been supportive during this time. My husband and best friend are wonderful, but almost everyone else in my life has really let me down, from my two sisters-in-law, both of whom I've barely heard a word from since my diagnosis five months ago, to my mother-in-law who was supposed to help take care of my baby while I was recovering and instead got "sick" herself, to a close friend who simply disappeared when she heard the news. I know that cancer is very scary to most people and brings up a lot of negative emotions, and I also know that many people do care but don't know what to say or do. Still, I would have thought more people would have risen above their fear and uncertainty to do the right thing by me. I don't need food and I don't need flowers, but a ten-second email or text would take so little effort from them and mean so much to me. It's really making me reevaluate who I want in my life after I'm done with treatment...

  • RaiderGirl
    RaiderGirl Member Posts: 419
    edited February 2015

    Emily

    First I am sorry you are going through all this and I so very much empathized with the MIA friends and family.

    My loving husband suggested the two following options:

    Option #1 I could use this diagnosis as a perfect opportunity to clean house. Sweep away all those that don't step up to the plate and do what is right. Keep in my immediate world only the finest.

    Option #2 I could use this diagnosis as a perfect opportunity to know my friends and family better. I try to understand their shortcomings, faults and down right shitty-ness and then forgive. Keeping in my immediate world all those I love, that I have history with and now I know them better than they even know themselves.

    I decided on option #2 but not because I am a benevolent saint on earth but because option #1 is exhausting. Anyway, I have found that some people are crappy about some things but exceptional in others.

    I wish you peace of heart.

  • Hopeful82014
    Hopeful82014 Member Posts: 3,480
    edited February 2015

    RG - your husband sounds like a very insightful person (as do you). I'm going to keep his approach in mind.

    How did things go with your mammo., etc., yesterday? Any clues yet?

  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited February 2015

    This thread has been fascinating! I cannot believe how some people react to this disease. I have been blessed as most of my friends have been great. Family? That is another story for another day. Suffice to say that I am blown away by the ignorance of my own relatives. Ugh!

  • emily_the_cat
    emily_the_cat Member Posts: 29
    edited February 2015

    @RaiderGirl - Thanks so much for sharing you husband's wisdom. My own wonderful husband has been advocating Option #1, but I think it's the wrong time in my life to make any decisions that would significantly impact my relationships with important people like my brothers, especially since I want my son to know them and their children. I think for them, Option #2 is more practical - but I'm not at the point yet where I can accept and forgive their behavior, or lack thereof. I still have nine months of adjuvant chemo to get there, I guess! =)

    As you say, peace of heart and mind is the goal - any way to get there is okay in my book.

  • RaiderGirl
    RaiderGirl Member Posts: 419
    edited February 2015

    Forgiveness comes in many shades. It can be the complete and total kind as if nothing happened or you are just going to be for now, just exist and let the dice roll.

    A gentle hug for you


  • DivePuppy
    DivePuppy Member Posts: 29
    edited February 2015

    I just found this topic, and it's helped me feel better already. My experience is like everyone else's on this thread. I don't feel like going into a long narrative, but just wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to write.

    RG, I pray you are getting some good news

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