MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish

barbe1958 · August 2014

elimar86861 · August 2014

Barbe, I understand that it was your intention to make a point by throwing down the flat gauntlet like that. My point is that if ever there was an occasion to do that, this was not the time. Calico59 is a Newb with but 2 posts. In that sense, she is not as well versed in the many choices (not to mention the many personalities) that we read here regularly. I am not one of those "oh, let's not scare a Newbie, let's handle them with kid gloves" kind, but I think we all look back on ourselves in the beginning to realize that our heads were just spinning with obliviousness, comparatively speaking.

You state that her comment was hurtful. I can see how it would be. What I do not see is intent on her part to hurt. You, on the other hand, intended your blunt response, and now your message is getting lost in the sauce. Others have told you that they got a little offended by the tone you took. So, this is a case of two wrongs not making a right. In this case, wouldn't it have been more effective to have disputed her comment in a less confrontational way?

Calico59, Barbe, and others, I love this thread keeping it real, in that we all don't have to be in the same mind-set about things. Like, I can never fully understand why someone with an almost identical Dx to mine makes a radically different choice. (Radical, as in Mx, get it?) But, I do know that we both probably thought long and hard about our decisions. There is an equality in that.

Flatties, foobies, lumpies, mumpies, and bumpies: I Love You the Purplest. (Google it!)

Loral · August 2014

Here's my point of view...More power to you ladies who went through surgery after surgery, with all the risks and complications that come with each and every surgery. I was thrilled to be able to have a lumpectomy and being that it was the first time I was in a hospital for anything, I hope to never have to go back for anymore procedures.

I made it through the anesthesia, I woke up. That alone was enough stress for me..

3rdtimenow · August 2014

Not to belabor this point, but not all recon requires many surgeries, I had immediate recon with a great plastic surgeon and was complete on day one, so we can't make blanket statements. I am happy with my decision and do not have horrible scars. I do have to say I don't think it was necessary to make others feel bad to prove a point, not all of us who had recon were hurtful to anyone who did not. I also agree with Elimar, Calico is new here and likely just overwhelmed and meant no harm. I hope we have not scared her away, she needs us.

barbe1958 · August 2014

Perhaps Calico will chose her words wisely in future posts! Why is it okay for someone new to call flat people FREAKS, but not okay for me to defend the hundreds and thousands of us in this forum that ARE flat??????? We always get the short end of the stick with comments like freak, and not normal, and don't like ourselves because we stayed flat. Come on guys!! Suck it up!! She got to say her piece and many of you followed. I get to say my piece!!!! I had to think long and hard to find hurtful comments, though, I must admit.....but I'm glad you guys got a chance to FEEL what it's like to be put down. I've just heard that shit too many times on here and this comment put me over the edge. I'd like to stop that kind of thinking before it goes on to post elsewhere.

Remember, there are those reading who do not post. They are terrified to let you all know their stories because they have seen comments that put down their choices. I guess I'm the only one who has the balls to reply and stick up for us flatties.

elimar86861 · August 2014

No one endorsed her use of the word freak (which, by your inference, meant women choosing to go flat.) Did you miss the part about TWO WRONGS not making a right? And, yes, I am going to cut her a bit of slack because of being new. Sometimes it takes more balls to own an over-reaction, than to just dish up a harsh reply.

3rdtimenow · August 2014

She did not call flat people freaks, she said that is how she would feel, you say you did not find that many hurtful comments, so why are you so happy to have hurt others? This will be the last comment from me on this subject.

barbe1958 · August 2014

I didn't say I was glad to hurt you....I said I was glad you FELT hurt (meaning my point was made - BIG difference). WAY back up there I actually apologized for making those comments, but of course, my apology has been ignored.

No. Two wrongs don't make a right, but neither does ignoring a wrong make it right!!!!!

Sorry, digging my heels in on this one. It wouldn't have been an "over-reaction" if the comment wasn't made in the first place!! And this has really dragged on long enough. Always okay for others to deride, but never okay for an honest come-back from me.... Sheesh!

elimar86861 · August 2014

Honest and hurtful are separate. Be one without being the other.

barbe1958 · August 2014

Well, I'm honestly not freaky. And I honestly do love myself enough to not put my body through the surgeries and failures. And it honestly hurt me to hear, yet again, in this day and age, the rebuttal to my comments! And I honestly love y'all. And I honestly already apologized above. People are just reacting to what they are reading now, not what happened earlier.

AND, I already smiled after my angry red face in my first post (an icon I have NEVER used once!!)

HomeMom · August 2014

The fact you did that on purpose is probably more disturbing then if you just had a knee jerk reaction. You could have just said something like "I had no recon and I have to tell you, I feel great about the way I look". Educating someone doesn't have to come in the form of blunt rudeness that offends many people who wouldn't and didn't insult you. 3rdtimenow, and elimar I couldn't have said it better.

Take a breath and use it as an opportunity to gently educate.

HomeMom · August 2014

HomeMom · August 2014

Cool, on to another subject! Do any of you have a Facebook friend and you have no idea who they are?? This woman just turned up out of no where and I have no common friends. She has posted some dog rescue stuff, which I have been involved in a little, but I don't remember adding her. Today she lost her partner, the love of her life for the last 11 years and I feel bad for her. Should I comment???

glennie19 · August 2014

How strange. You never added her and you have no mutual friends?? Is she actually on your friend list,, or is she posting via a rescue group site that you "liked"?

I am very wary on FB,,,, it disturbs me how much info that they gather!

HomeMom · August 2014

Nope, says we are friends. I looked at her page and Charles, the love of her life, was her dog! I'm not commenting. I could unfriend her I guess, but sometimes she posts some good stuff.

justamy · August 2014

If you don't know her...I would wait till others respond then respond something caring but not too personal...sometimes the number of responses does help w you are hurting. JMHO

HomeMom · August 2014

True.

barbe1958 · August 2014

I hate when someone has died that was a Facebook friend and they keep popping up on my feed! We KNOW they aren't active, so it just creeps me out......

Homemom, a generic "sorry for your furbaby loss" wouldn't hurt....you'd say that to a perfect stranger, so why not a perfect "friend"? hehehehehe

NativeMainer · August 2014

HomeMom--I've had
that happen a couple of times, a "friend" shows up that I don't
know.I "unfriend" them as
soon as I notice it, common friends or not.If it's a real friend, they'll get in touch withyou.I
would not comment on the loss of the partner, not knowing who it is.Hmm, the partner is a furbaby?Well, maybe I'd say something non-specific
and then unfriend her.

HomeMom · August 2014

Good advice all around. I did just that. I made a small Sorry for your loss comment and promptly clicked the "unfriend" option.

barbe1958 · August 2014

Good move Home, she may be wondering who YOU are! I learned years ago that when you want to cut off a conversation on the phone to do it while YOU are talking. No one would believe you cut yourself off!! hehehehehee I've actually used that technique a handful of times and it's very effective because they wait for YOU to call back. When you don't, they finally get the hint.

macatacmv · August 2014

so, let's see, the header is telling us that 1. we are barking up the wrong tree?

2. we are a crafty cat?

3, don't get distracted by the big things?

4. keep your eye on the details?

barbe1958 · August 2014

Or:

From the dog's viewpoint:

Accept things you cannot have or were not meant for you.

Accept the fact that you can't do everything.

Try, even if you know it's going to be hard.

From the cat's viewpoint:

Stay in a safe place when danger is around you.

You only need a little distance from a bad situation.

Ignore the negativity around you.

jbokland · August 2014

Good Monday morning! I have just completed the 28 full rads this AM! I only have 5 boost to go. My skin has held up well but I have the darker, freckly skin in my cleavage and over my left foob. Small price to pay! I plan on celebrating by eating sushi with friends tonight.

I spent the weekend with friends who want to but a manufactured home crawling through models. WOW..have they come a long way! Wore my ass out in this 90+ heat but had fun!

barbe1958 · August 2014

Very cool on the modular house tour!! That concept, as well as "pods" has always fascinated me. If only the land and hydro connections weren't so expensive we could tuck ourselves half-way up a mountain or on a beachfront if we wanted!

stasia2 · August 2014

Hello all -

Given the reason why we're all here, I am thankful to find a resource I will be relying on quite a bit in the coming months. Please forgive my brevity at the moment but am looking for some specific opinions/personal experiences regarding the situation I'm facing. I have a follow-up with my breast surgeon in 3 days and am hoping to have some notion of how other women made their choices by the time I meet with him again.

Brief background: I'm 54 now. I had my first breast cancer (IDC), 8 cm, moderately aggressive, Stage 2, triple negative, ALND 0/10 at the age of 38 (yes, 16 years ago). Treatments were Lumpectomy, AC - Taxol, then radiation. Have had the all clear ever since then until now. Local recurrence, IDC, only 6 mm, Stage 1 (clinical), suspect no node involvement but am getting the MRI this afternoon to get more data to work with. Given what surgeon and onco doc are saying, it looks to be caught early and once again, only in this breast.

I know I'm going to have mastectomy on this breast and am leaning heavily toward having prophylactic mastectomy of the other one. I do not plan to have reconstruction. I'm not inclined to wait for the BRCA results to come back (want the $@!* out of my body NOW) but know that I would have to wait to schedule surgery and get a triple negative test result if I do decide to keep the other one. My non-diseased breast is quite large at the moment, but I'm losing weight. So, if I were to keep it and not have bi-lateral mastectomy, I would face having to buy several prostheses to try to "match" up the girls whereas if I were to have both removed, I could start with an even playing ground.

I guess what I'm looking for from you, my newest allies, are replies on whether or not you chose to have both breasts removed for symmetry/ease of life/ease of mind? If so, do you regret that decision and wish you had kept the non-diseased breast? Also, in trying to picture my torso post-surgery and recovery, I can't help but wonder if it would be any more/less emotionally traumatic to see the two scars versus seeing one scar and the one breast that I've had all along. Not sure I want to live lop-sided.

Thank you in advance for any support/advice you can offer me.

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EDITED 08/27/2014 - to correct info on my original cancer.

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elimar86861 · August 2014

stasia2, My suggestion would be for you to go back on this thread two or three pages because several members weighed in on how they felt about, and why they chose, either flat or recon, Mx or BMx. As one who opted for lumpectomy and had no recurence, I have no firsthand exp[erience, but I can see the plus side and the minus side of both choices. This is why it becomes so individual.

I am confused by what you wrote about your first cancer. I don't think they give chemo for DCIS, and DCIS is always referred to as Stage 0, so perhaps your first cancer did have invasion present. That is all beside the point now, tho'. What I would mention is that some protocols and treatments have changed over the past 16 years. I don't know if the HER2 receptor was even discovered back then, but maybe you had that factor rather than estrogen fueling your cancer. I am not sure what you mean by "triple negative test results?"

I know you cannot have radiation again, but is a second lumpectomy, maybe with Herceptin (HER2 blocker, if you do have that factor) even a choice? If you do chose uni-Mx, you might want to have reduction on the "good" side, to feel more in balance; and get a prosthetic of a size to match. How important is it to you to have a breast with feeling in it? You might want to still have one. With Bmx, the surgery/infection/complication risks double, but the pay off is you virtually remove the threat (like down to 2%) of BC ever coming back and some say the follow-up is easier. I don't know, we all seem to get screened and scanned, except if you still have boobs left, they'll get you in the mammo-squisher quite frequently.

You can watch for more replies and good luck weighing it out for yourself. Welcome to this thread!

barbe1958 · August 2014

stasia, I don't understand your "triple negative" comment as far as getting a bilateral mast. I will answer that I got a bilat with no recon and am very pleased with my flat, almost invisible scar. I look slimmer and stand much better than I did with my heavy breast. It IS an adjustment when you first lose them as your belly will seem HUGE (like a toddlers') and you might despair. Hang in there, you will learn to stand properly and be able to adapt most of your current clothes to your new figure.

I think that one nipple staring back at me in the mirror would have freaked me out. This way, totally flat, I pretty much can ignore my chest all the time. Not wearing a bra ever again is a treat, as well!

Good luck in your decision and feel free to PM me if you have any personal questions - or ask them here as many women read but do not post. So your question is a great one for others.

barbe1958 · August 2014

elimar posted while I was typing, too funny! But, I will add about feeling to the chest.....it actually feels VERY sensual for me to have a "bare" chest under silky soft clothing.....

Tomboy · August 2014

i cant tell you that, but maybe barbe can. she is one who is happy to be flat. There is a thread on here called rocking flatness like a bada$$ for women who have chosen no recon. i just know if i was going to have one off, i would for sure have the other off. and i do like to be extremely active, and even tho i am not back to the level i was pre- bc, there is no way i would want recon. i just would not want my muscles messed with. and i did love my breasts. not so much anymore. big help i am, huh? you had a good long run, sorry its back. they cant do another lumpy, even though its been so long since radiation?

MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 40-60ish

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