It is all too much. I am so sad and drained by cancer

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april485
april485 Member Posts: 3,257
edited August 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

My friend is dying. She is in hospice, no longer taking food or drink, not speaking anymore. She is made comfortable and is not in pain.

My mother in law passed away from colon cancer this past December.

One of my best friends died of breast cancer at the age of 36 22 years ago next month.

I am surrounded by cancer. My Dad's entire family was wiped out from this disease, from his Mom to his sister to two of his brothers.

I am a two timer. I had cervical cancer in my 20's and now DCIS in my 50's.

We have put a man on the moon. We carry cell phones that do absolutely everything from give us face time calls to take photos and videos. We fax things around the world in mere moments. We have robots that vacuum our floor.

Why the F$$%#K can't they cure this disease already???? I am starting to become suspicious of the cancer industry. It generates billions of dollars each year and we still lose people to this disease every single day. WHY?????

I know there are good doctors and researchers out there working on this, but you have to wonder if they squash some of their results that look promising. I know I am becoming jaded.

I am just so sad and I don't know what to do anymore. Every time I have a minute, I am feeling myself up, looking for lumps. I dread my mammo in August. I am worried that it will come back and this time, it will be more advanced. I worry they didn't get it right and that it is more advanced already and the DCIS was what they "found" only.

I think I have PTSD. I never skipped work, even during rads. I never let myself have any time to think about this and what it means. Maybe I should have taken some time off to heal, not only physically but emotionally.

Sorry this is so long. Just needed to vent. I am just so worked up about my friend right now. So unfair. She is 56!

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  • Sunshineinky
    Sunshineinky Member Posts: 461
    edited June 2014

    April, all I can do is offer a hug! I am so sorry about your friend. Cancer just flat out sucks.  

    Enough with the "awareness".  We need a cure.  

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  • Nettie1964
    Nettie1964 Member Posts: 759
    edited June 2014


    April485,

    Other than the differences in our dx, your statement could have been written by me!  I have not had quite as many family members succumb to this nasty disease, but plenty of close friends!  And I've often said the same about the "cancer industry"!!  There would not be near as much money generated if there was a cure!  And I too, worked straight through all of my treatments, I even had chemo and never missed a day!  This is my first go with cancer and I pray daily that it will never return but live in fear because of constant aches and pains!  My sister, who had 3 children, ages 17, 12, 7 died from Glioblastoma, she was only 35!  Cancer just sucks!

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  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited June 2014

    Thank you ladies. My friend started out as Stage II BC with no nodal involvement. Now she is dying. Just sucks so much....

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  • Nettie1964
    Nettie1964 Member Posts: 759
    edited June 2014

    apirl485, that just makes me worry so much as I am Stage IIB!  I had clear margins and clear nodes, but I'm hearing of this more and more... ladies jumping from even Stage 1 to Stage IV, makes me wonder if initial path reports were accurate and then it makes me doubt mine!

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  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited June 2014

    Nettie, she chose to forgo chemo and she did not have rads, so you are not really the same as you did have chemo...your chances are better than hers due to this. Sorry to upset you! (((Nettie!)))

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  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited June 2014

    Her oncotype score was in the middle I think but she chose no chemo. She said she would not change that either as she had no reason to believe she would develop mets with no nodal involvement and no LVI. Hugs...you will be fine!

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  • Nettie1964
    Nettie1964 Member Posts: 759
    edited June 2014

    Oh, April, you didn't upset me, it's something I think about daily when reading here!  I see it so often with the dx jumping from Stages I or II then suddenly mets are involved!  So please don't feel bad, but thanks for clarifying!

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited June 2014

    April, we're so sorry to hear about everything your going through, You've come to a place where your safe and free to vent your frustrations, the community is here to support you in any way we can. 

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend. 

    The Mods

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  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited June 2014

    Thank you Mods...she is a member of this community and there are a lot of people who are going to miss her in the Stage IV community. She was so kind to me when I was diagnosed and we went to the same cancer center and then found out we were in the same exact job for different agencies and had met a numerous trainings and conferences over the years.

    She is a good person and now she is dying (or may already have passed) and her kids and grandkids will no longer have her. She published a book about her experience with BC and it was truly about living, not about dying. She is amazing and I am going to miss her.

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  • macb04
    macb04 Member Posts: 1,433
    edited August 2014

    My heart goes out to you with your friend dying. I have seen how it is for people when that happens, I worked sometimes with dying hospice patients as a nursing assistant while in nsg. School.  Scares the pants off of me. My mother took me every week for months when I was 10 to see my Nana die of cancer. I wish I could unknow that info. It does no good to know that. I have decided to do assisted suicide if it ever comes to a hugely painful, disabiling situation. But till then I hang on and am ok, I feel good and am cancerfree and plan to do everything to stay that way while still having some good quality of life. I live for my girls.

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  • macb04
    macb04 Member Posts: 1,433
    edited August 2014

    My heart goes out to you with your friend dying. I have seen how it is for people when that happens, I worked sometimes with dying hospice patients as a nursing assistant while in Nursing School.  Scares the pants off of me. My mother took me every week for months when I was 10 to see my Nana die of cancer. I wish I could unknow that info. It does no good to know that. I have decided to do assisted suicide if it ever comes to a hugely painful, disabiling situation. But till then I hang on and am ok, I feel good and am cancerfree and plan to do everything to stay that way while still having some good quality of life. I live for my girls.

    One more thing, in regards to feeling sad, that is totally normal. There is one thing I have learned through my own experience is that I was deficient in Magnesium.  I have read that 80% of women and 70% of men are deficient. Those statistics are not about women like us who have been through the chemical ringer. A huge number of drugs like chemo, antidepressants,  diuretics, antidiabetic medications, and even tamoxifen cause magnesium deficiency. There are numerous studies detailing anxiety and depression are worse with Magnesium deficiency.  With a hx of being "treated" for cancer you are almost guaranteed to be magnesium deficient. They never test for it, a chem panel will not pick it up. You need a special test called an RBC magnesium.   

    Hugs

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