CT scan Monday to see if my new friend has moved in elsewhere

Bippy625
Bippy625 Member Posts: 890
edited August 2014 in Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results

I want to know it will be okay and that my little lymph node is holding it's own. I want to know it will be fine. I want to know I am absolutely not just an undiagnosed Stage IV. I want to NOT be doing this.  Resistance if futile, right?  it only makes it worse.

Onc. and Surgeon say it is Stage II. But its HER and we all now what that means. are they just trying to spare me for now?  they are both straight shooters though, so I doubt it. But how many ladies here have been told similar only to find that it's worse?   I am scared. I had a bone scan and that was clear. so that is good and I should be happy and optimistic and positive. I'm fronting to everyone that knows while going crazy inside.  It's in the R breast and already in at least one node there too. I vacillate between feelings of it will be fine to well, if it is not fine, I'll just have to make the best of what I have left - and maybe I'll still be okay, no matter what it is.   I'm getting excellent care all around. Why can't I pull it together?

I feel guilty that I am a crybaby because no matter what, it's going to be what it will be and especially when others have so much more actually diagnosed horrors they are dealing with on a daily basis.

I just had my first chemo 8/8 and so, already the little drugs are working on whatever it is. that is empowering to know. already I swear too, I see shrinkage of the breast and constantly feel "tumor twinges".  I'm trying so hard. but all I want to do is cry.

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Comments

  • SallyS70
    SallyS70 Member Posts: 947
    edited August 2014

    Bippy625, I am sending you (((hugs))).  I wish I had helping thoughts to share.  Others who know what to say will be along soon.  I have received a lot of help in these forums.  Shortly after my diagnosis, a cancer center counselor told me that It would take a year to settle into my new normal.  I know a lot of people do not like the term "new normal," but I am using it because she did.  If you are going to a cancer center for treatment, perhaps the center has free counseling as mine did.  I almost did not use the free resources, but am so glad I did.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited August 2014

    A doc also told me it would take me a year or even two to accept my dx. Your life is forever changed but it certainly is not over. There is no reason to believe it has spread anywhere else, the docs are just being diligent. I had a ct scan after dx, because the doc thought it would make me feel better, and while it was initially terrifying, a clean scan did make me feel better. Don't go there until and if you get there. It is futile and a waste of time and emotions. The CT may pick up some incidental-omas - things you never knew were going on with your body like gall stones, degenerating disks, things that don't matter but are interesting to find out. Do ask your nurse navigator about counseling options. It really helps to have someone you can bare your soul to and who really listens. Also meds were made for times like these, it doesn't mean you're weak but in fact strong and looking to get better whatever it takes. You wouldn't have to take them forever, just until you get through this. 

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  • Bippy625
    Bippy625 Member Posts: 890
    edited August 2014

    Sally and Farmerlucy:  thank you.  Particularly the part about the year or two just to accept to dx!  this, would have been helpful information from my docs. in all fairness, they may have said it, I can't recall it though. I know I have to, and have accepted it now.  I did get medication for anxiety and I will use it. I hate to take it but admit it works. Never been a medicator...but I'm adjusting. I see I am having "spin" cycles - I know once I get that CT done, and get my work/home life settled into a new routine, it will be better for me. I am going to also take part in some counseling because it's too much for me sometimes. they offer alot of it free here to cancer patients and their families. You both really helped me. I hope I can return the favor soon!

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  • HomeMom
    HomeMom Member Posts: 1,198
    edited August 2014

    I remember just wanting everything to be "okay". I kept fearing the "we can't do anything for you" statement. I took it one step at a time and tried to believe that whatever the outcome was, I was in great hands and everything that could be done would be done. That didn't make the days after the PET scan any easier.  I did take anti anxiety drugs which do help a lot. The good news that it was normal gave me the strength to move head on into the chemo. Everyone is different, but a good friend told me when I was diagnosed, not to look to much forward into the future, just deal with what is in front of you.  Great advice. 

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