Lost my sister 3 months ago

I recently lost my beautiful sister at the age of 31 3 months ago to this vicious disease. Five years ago my baby sister Nikki calls me to tell me she found a lump in her left breast. She was only 26, no way was it cancer I told her it's probably just a cyst. She called her Dr and was immediately scheduled for a mamogram and a few day's later a breast biopsy. Oct 30, 2009 I got the call from her, it was indeed breast cancer. I listened to the terror in her voice, she kept saying "I'm only 26 and I have 3 baby boys and I'm in nursing school". I hung up from her and had my mental breakdown. All I could think was this was a horrible dream and I'd wake up anytime. I lived an hour away from her, I headed to her praying that this would all be okay.

The following week we were meeting with Oncologists, surgeons, plastic surgeons, it all seemed so overwhelming and I couldn't imagine how it was for her. I listened to all the Drs, took so many notes so I'd make sure to not forget important info. It was recomended for her that she have a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction to start at the same time. We were told she was stage 2, she'd do radiation and possibly chemo. Many second opinions later she was in surgery 2 weeks later. I had never been so scared in all my life, I prayed like I'd never prayed before, I paced the floor for 8 hours. So many memories made and so many more to be made. Her 3 boys ages 3, 1 1/2 and 10 months at that time God would make this all work out and she'd be fine. Finally what seemed to be the longest day in my life the surgeon came out to talk to us. She starts the conversation with "Well I have bad news" She proceeds to explain to us that Nikki's cancer is stage IV, they couldn't start the reconstruction on that side. Those were pretty much the only words I heard, all I wanted at that time was to see and hold my beautiful sister.  Her hell was only just beginging. A short time after surgery she had a pet ct, more bad news it had matasized to her spine. She would start radiation and they would hold off on Chemo (save the best for last)

Nikki was so angry at first and then she just stopped talking about it. If we didn't talk about it, it wasn't happening. She continued nursing school, she continued working as a CNA at night, she was a wife and a mother. She said many many times she didn't have time for this and she refused to let it stop her. It seemed like that first year after diagnosis she was in and out of the hospital and she never gave up on the busy life she led. Her determination and her strength amazed me, I don't know how she did it. If she was told bad news, she fought harder.

Over the 5 years she'd had 17 surgeries and over 50 hospital stays. Last year she developed a terrible cough, she coughed daily for over a year, the Pet CT showed nothing in her lungs until May 2014. On her 31st birthday we were told it had spread to her lungs, if she chose to do chemo she could possible live 2 years and if not then maybe a year. This can't be the end, that's all I could think. Almost 5 years of this and I learned to become the rock of my family, I never let Nikki see me cry, I had to stay strong for her, that is until this appointment. We cried for day's together, talking, praying and her filling me in on her wishes for her family. I couldn't bring myself for the 1st time to accept this news. So much to do, so many things we havent done and her children, ohh those poor boys, how will they handle this loss when the time comes.

Nikki's fear was suffering, she didn't want to suffer and she didn't want us to see her suffer espceially her boys. She'd told me many times that she'd made peace with it all, she wasn't afraid to die but instead she was afraid of the pain it would cause us. She told me everything she wanted with her boysand their life as they grew. I knew what she wanted for funeral arrangements, I knew every secret, dream and wish she had. Nikki's one dream came true on May 16, 2014, she had no suffering, she went to bed as usual and passed away. No suffering at all. She was the most peaceful looking that I had seen her in a very long time.

I am now helping her husband with the boys, I've been so exremely close to them since they were born, they've latched on to me when I was sure it would have been their dad. Daily it's a struggle to just get through each day. I try and remember how it hurt her to know that we would all be in pain. I can't be the rock anymore, I feel so lost without her, it literally feels like 1/2 of me died with her. I struggle with the anger of how unfair this disease is. I don't know how to live without her here. Our closeness was incredible, we were the best of friends. I know in time the pain eases but I'm not sure the anger of this ever will.