What would you say is the root of your depression?

Sodie - Exercising helps me a lot. Also check out this study http://www.breastcancer.org/research-news/effexor...

I am on the lowest does of Effexor and it does a good job controlling the HF. I was at my lowest point during recon because I couldn't do the active things I normally do. All I did was sit around and think too much. It got better once I had the exchange and I could be active again. 

First, I'd like to point to an article that settled the answer to this question for me and made me feel 'normal'; whatever that means to each and everyone of us.

http://jnci.oxfordjournals.org/content/98/19/1356....

Secondly, a huge trigger for me is when any one tells me I should feel this, or I shouldn't feel that. Whether it comes from a co-survivor or a friend, or co-worker, it never fails. Shuts me down emotionally, makes me feel isolated, disconnected, incapable of being embraced as I am in any given moment and just adds fuel to my depression and anxiety. I think for many of us a search on the late effects of cancer treatment would offer some sense of what is normal and what is not for each of us. I'd love to see a discussion forum on "late effects".

Breast cancer has changed who I am as a person and not for the better, unless you are only counting the fund of knowledge I have accumulated about it. However, that balancing act is fraught with walking the wire, set to fall because knowledge isn't always power! Sometimes it is just fodder for more depression and anxiety.

I remember the day when chemo passed my blood brain barrier and bathed my brain in tissue scarring toxicity. My brain has never been the same since. How hard is it to imagine that more than just cognition was damaged? How hard is it to imagine that mood regulation was permanently affected as well? That part of our brains that fuel Affect? Add in the fear of recurrence, the loss of mobility, feeling sexually unattractive, and that long list of things once enjoyed I can no longer participate in. Plus the lack of joy from experiences that always filled me with joy before cancer and just leave me numb now? And what about organized thinking? Prioritizing? All went out the window. I have waited 7 years for its return. I have to live with who I am today. It's not coming back!!!!

What are we searching for really? What will make us feel like ourselves again? A pill? An oncologist who recognizes the emotional trauma and cognitive changes we have acquired? The physical damage? Our losses both great and small?

I am searching for the creative side of my brain to be re-born somehow. The part of me that always soothed any crisis I have ever had to endure. But my hands will not hold steady a paintbrush to canvas, clay to sculpt, scissors to cut paper for collages, or physical endurance and strength to simply re-arrange the furniture and wall hangings. I'm not depressed, I am clinically exhausted from feigning that I am OK, that I am fine, and from searching for what will make me feel like me again.

"Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that one has had to be too strong for too long."

First of all, no encouragement intended for crying out loud, but thank you for your honesty! 

I have had life threatening adverse reactions to every family of anti-depressants there are and am therefore unable to take this blessed invention! You mentioned two other late effects of treatment, heart and thyroid. Don't know if your back is related but I have read a lot about what radiation and chemo can do to our spines and bones. 

Your quote at the bottom of your post? I say that a lot to other people. One of my favorite quotes! 

Instead of treating people who have these thoughts like Lepers that need to be locked up immediately and segregated from the rest of society, why can't we acknowledge that it is part of being human?? Any one who tells me they have never considered 'just letting go' is just not being honest as far as I am concerned. Saying it out loud instead of suppressing it (what we suppress, we obsess) does release some of the steam. Secrets keep us sick. Knowing what it would do to our loved ones keeps us keeping on. I am glad you have a remedy that helps with the depression. If you are well enough to go back to work, I hope you find employment that suits you. Have you tried your state's Rehabilitation Services? It's their job to assist people with disabilities to find work. Any illness is a disability!

Strangely enough, none of my other medical issues had anything to do with any treatment! I was just being watched closer and things started to pop up. I actually had a double mast with no recon to reduce the strain on my neck and spine! How's that for dedication.

I had to find a job on my own and at 56 it's been very hard. I can only find commission positions and that is nerve wracking. Our house is currently on the market (almost was bedridden again with my back!) and we have to move somewhere cheaper. Ain't life grand?

I have battled depression all my life and have been on some form of a chemical crutch for the past 25+ years. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain and am normally the happiest person I know. People are often surprised to find out the weight of some of my health issues because I seem so happy. Being happy doesn't get rid of depression. They are two different emotions and both can certainly live inside of you just like happiness and sadness. It's okay and normal to be sad at certain times, it's when you can't function; can't go to work, won't eat, or overeat, don't groom yourself, hibernate and pull away from family, etc. It is serious and affects not just us but others around us. It takes time to get used to the meds if you take any and a lot of women give up before their body gets used to the prescription. Your head doesn't stay "fuzzy" and you won't be dopey when you are stabilized. I don't even remember that I am on something until I don't break down during a crisis and then am glad my crutch is in place for me to react appropriately. If I suddenly cry at at TV commercial my DH and I look at each other and ask if one of my meds has run out! Living on the edge emotionally like that is not really living at all....it's just surviving. We deserve more than that and it is doable. But we have to try to fix ourselves, no one else will do it for us. We must be honest firstly with ourselves and then our spouse and doctors.

Spontaneous recalibration - I will hope for that! I am sluggish and apathetic...functioning fine in terms of daily activities...just not enjoying them. I think it is my very low estrogen levels post-chemo. (Onc just checked them.) i am 19 mos. post chemo, age 46.

House would carry for about $800 while renting would be upwards of $1,300!!! We HAVE to sell and buy. Mine is one of only 6 houses for sale in my high-demand area and is the second lowest in price. I expect it to move quickly but am having trouble getting financed for the new place which is even cheaper because I am in commission sales at a new job!!! Right! My old job didn't wait for me to come off disability and hired someone else.

SophiaMarie, you HAVE the knowledge to empower you with any doctor you are passed on to. We have to empower ourselves with education of our body and our diseases, and you have done that. People die at the best hospitals in the world, and especially at cancer centres, all the time. If the deficiency was Vitamin D, that is still controversial and I wouldn't expect a doctor to be up on something until it is confirmed. Can you imagine if he gave people false hope? I think that is worse than bringing a new concept to the table with him yourself.

We have to be our own advocates. To our doctors we are one of many patients, but to us our doctor is one. That is a hugely unbalanced relationship. We can't expect them to all care the same way we do. Good luck!

SophiaMarie..............I actually came looking for this thread.  Your opening statement is what caught my eye. "Since active treatment has ended ...."

I just started taking anti-depressants in April, while awaiting my last surgery.  The depression was finally clear to me that it was not going away.  No therapy.  Just Rx. 

I was released today, by my plastic surgeon, after nearly 3 years of almost monthly visits.  I cried all the way from the appointment back to my office.  I couldn't figure out why. I had these conflicted feelings.  I should feel utter JOY that I have no evidence of disease (re: cancer free), I am done with reconstruction (I'm choosing not to have nipples), and only have to move forward with 7 more years of Tamoxifen.  So, why do I feel so empty, sad, lost?

When I got back to my office, I spoke with my personal support.  A co-worker who is a few months ahead of me in her treatment, with just about the same course.  I explained to her how I was feeling and that I guess I was seeking validation of those feelings.

Through a long talk, we came to the agreement that this beast of BC has dominated our lives, been our each and every day focus to recover.  That daily focus is just gone.  No more appointments.  Nothing to work towards.  No more surgeries.  No more visits with the PS, his staff, the nurses, the hospitals.  All of this effort for the last 3 years has been our lives.  That is suddenly gone, with a handshake and a "good luck".  There is a sort of mourning, I think.

As I said, I'm conflicted.  I should feel JOY!  I should be thinking about putting this behind me.  But, I'm not.

I hope this makes sense. 

What great info mac!!! I don't take Tamoxifen and can only imagine how bad I would be on with with all that as well as bone pain.

Oh bcky, your post really spoke to me. I too am mourning who I used to be. I’ve been told by people whom I hope mean well that I’m lucky I only have BC and it’s stage 1 so it’s just a year of my life then I’ll be back to normal. But I know I’ll never be back to normal. I am forever changed by this ordeal.

Truthfully, my chances of never getting this again are statistically better than many, but that doesn’t change my fear. It doesn’t comfort me because now I know what it feels like to be told I have BC. I know what it feels like to have surgery and to willingly put toxic chemo into my body and to look at my grandchildren and know that I may not get to see them grow up and experience so many moments of life.

As I’ve stopped chemo (due to SEs) and get ready to start radiation, I worry and even dream about the tiny bits of cancer settling into various places in my body, waiting to grow and attack again. I know in my logical mind that most likely that is not happening, but my logical mind is not as great as my fear, so fear wins. Now that chemo is behind me, I’m going to turn my focus to settling my emotional fears. I want to embrace life while I have it. I still hope to live a long healthy happy life, but I’m going to start focusing more on immediate joy and less on long term goals. I suppose I’ll have to figure out a new balance in life.

My heart goes out to those experiencing true depression in addition to this dx of BC. It’s not fair.