Terror

Bippy625
Bippy625 Member Posts: 890
edited August 2014 in Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results

saw onco yesterday, they still think stage 2 or 3, but does have R lymph involvement and now I'm terrified they are going to find it's worse. that pain that just started in my lower back is just a muscle pain, right?  right? It's just due to the walking we just began doing, right?   This, I have not even told my husband because I'm scared out of my wits it is not. yesterday I had the double breast MRI, this rest of this week is all testing - CT, bone scan, echo. then friday I am to begin my first chemo. sometime before then the surgeon will be putting in a port. can I curse here?  F word, F word, F word. Trying to be positive, and both surgeon and onco are very positive, but I can't stop myself. of course it's useless for me to do this!  I have no control over what it is to be. I will post a work story in another forum, it's not helping me either and actually has me very angry and sad. I don't know what to do.

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Comments

  • ml143333
    ml143333 Member Posts: 658
    edited August 2014


    So sorry you are joining us, but I am glad you found us.  There are some wonderful women here that will be able to provide you support and insights.

    I have been recently diagnosed myself and am waiting for surgery at the end of the month.  I have no real true words of wisdom except, if your doctors are optimistic - you should be as well.  So many advances have been made in breast cancer treatment - look at all the survivors here!

    Please be good to yourself now! 

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  • geewhiz
    geewhiz Member Posts: 1,439
    edited August 2014

    The terror is in the beginning.It will get easier. For right now, just breathe...in and out. We are all here for you. 

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited August 2014

    As the others say, deep slow breaths are what are required right now........what ever the testing and scanning show you have no control over but you can control how you deal with it all.   Fear is normal, terror is normal and it's all normal at this point........things will calm down a bit once you know just what those scans show and exactly what your full treatment will be.

    Those pains in your lower back?  Tension from all the worrying you are doing right now.......deep breath and slowly release the tension that is making you hurt.  Tell your husband what is going on and allow him the ability to support you in your time of need, that's his job description......or part of it.  Swear all you like, jump up and down, stamp your foot, kick a wall.........once you have done all that you will be ready to face this fight........you and your treatment against BC.

    These boards will help you through it all, the good, the bad and the down right ugly.........there are sadly, so many who will lend you their ears, their hearts and their shoulders as well as help you understand it all so keep coming back.

    Love n hugs to you.   Chrissy

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited August 2014

    Bippy - (hug)  I wish there was a magic pill to get you past this terror but there isn't. Just put one foot in front of the other. That is all you can do right now. If you need meds to help you cope ask your doc for some. Antianxiety meds were made for times like these. People are so insensitive sometime when it comes to stories. They mean well, and some do help, but others send you right back. Insulate yourself if you can. I think I've read the term "time to circle the wagons" on these boards, I think that is appropriate. You are not always going to be so terrified but it will take time for the terror to ease. Meanwhile stay with us. We have been where you are. (repeat hug)

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited August 2014

    Bippy - welcome to the forum no one wants to join. The good news is it will become your lifeline through the process. The ladies here are truly godsends. I am 3 1/2 years out so I have lurking here for some time. We all know all too well about the fear factor. It is alive and well but it does get better. 

    We aren't doctors but we have been there, done that and some of us are still doing it. Know this though even though we come in all stages and grades BC does not define us or you either. 

    I am sure you don't want to scare your husband but frankly it's okay too. Give yourself permission not to be the strong one. I kept my game face on throughout the whole ordeal for my family esp my youngest son. I saved my cursing and crying for my friends. Not saying you should at all but it was my way. My DH was very supportive. It was my turn to be taken care of. The Women's Health Center where I had my tests, etc assigned a patient advocate to my case. She was an angel. Hopefully you will have one too. 

    As everyone else said breathe...one step at a time. We are all here to help and support you as best we can. Keep the faith and keep us posted. 

    Diane

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited August 2014

    The tests are to get a better idea of what is there to be dealt with and how your heart is functioning.   SOP.    I had an area light up along my lower o n my PET  - had a biopsy of the area and nothing negative showed up - that was almost 5 yrs ago.  

    There can be many reasons for back pain (or other areas) totally unrelated to BC.  

    With 'stories' given/heard - I have always just ignored the negative.  It is up to me to eliminate unsolicited garbge.    That sid - I have gotten some comments that initially I was putting somewhere in between negative and positive but on later thoigh, I got a different proapective.  We are each unique and there is no way that we can/will react the same to any situtation.  Keep things in prospective -use your strength for positive fighting, not wasting energy on the negative.

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  • crazyride43
    crazyride43 Member Posts: 154
    edited August 2014

    Bippy, I am not an advocate of taking unnecessary medication, but when faced with a cancer diagnosis there are some short term drugs like Ativan that can be very helpful in calming your racing thoughts and allowing you to get some rest.  My doctor automatically prescribed this for me after the call where she told me I had cancer.  I didn't want to take it, but I'm so glad I did.  It helped me get through that terror, as you so accurately describe it.

    It does get better...hugs.

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  • linzer
    linzer Member Posts: 164
    edited August 2014

    Bippy, I had lymph node involvement too and was equally scared about the scans for the same reason. They were fine. I just kept thinking - hold tight little nodes, don't let anything pass. I would lie in bed at night and do a guided visualization repeating that. Sounds corny, but it got me through. Scans came back fine. You are going through the toughest part right now. I'm so sorry. Just reading your words reminds me of how scared I was and how nothing anyone said could make it better. 

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  • Bippy625
    Bippy625 Member Posts: 890
    edited August 2014

    thank you, everyone of you!  I took the advice for anxiety meds, got my scrip refilled and am dealing. I am not a med person (haha, about to change!) but it was a godsend. I can think clearly and am not obsessing now. Such a hard thing, the ups and downs. I have that darned h2 +++ and am estrogen receptive,  but progesterone neg.  I am getting ported on thurs, first chemo and immuno drugs Friday. Herceptin for sure and maybe another one. Sighs. Off for my evening walk, i will let you know how it all goes, bone scan and echo tomorrow, as they plan tamoxifin for later.

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited August 2014

    Bippy when you are given Heceptin you are usually given one of the Taxanes so you will probably get Taxol.  I'm glad you have gotten a script for anti anxiety meds, a lot a girls find them very helpful indeed.  

    Good luck with your bone scan and echo!

    Love n hugs.   Chrissy

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2014

    Hi Bippy, welcome to BCO. There are so many wonderful women here that will help you through this process. It's all very overwhelming at the beginning and I can remember saying a few "f" words myself. My screen name will give you a good indication of how I was feeling when I signed up for BCO. Sending good thoughts your way. Just take it one day at a time and before you know it, you will get through treatment. You can do this!! Gentle hugs.

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  • Bippy625
    Bippy625 Member Posts: 890
    edited August 2014

    tx Chrissyb!  i will find out today, am meeting with the chemo coordinator after bone scan. Tomorrow i get ported, and Friday it begins....i saw your dx and you are an inspiration, to say the least!  I will be thinking of you today.  Blessings! 

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  • Bippy625
    Bippy625 Member Posts: 890
    edited August 2014

    i like your screen name SDB! It is a good reminder always. I am up today, and doing fine. I am going to remember your proverb....i will just keep standing up then. Thank you for sharing and the encouragement, it means so much from those that have been there!  See you soon and return hugs!

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2014

    Sending good thoughts on your first chemo tomorrow.

    Hope your port procedure went well.

    Thinking of you!

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