Emotional Breakdowns in Strange Places?

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Gatomal
Gatomal Member Posts: 483
edited August 2014 in Just Diagnosed

Just got back from Walmart, buying "chemo clothes"--comfy pants, sports bra that zips in the front, water, electric blanket because I hear I'll be freezing with the cold caps. I just broke down crying on the way home. I hate feeling like I'm a sick person, I hate the fact that I feel everything that is "me" on the outside will be stripped away, my hair, eyebrows, lashes, weight gain, mobility? I'm worried that my personality will change with chemopause and the drugs afterwards and I'll be bitter, tired, and cranky for ever more. I know it's too soon to tell now, but I feel like I'll never be the same person. I know you can't, after this experience, but if am feeling doubtful that I'll be a better version of myself right now. I may be more grateful, but it's hard to think I may experience joy I the future. It still hasn't been a week yet since dx, and I have 2.5 weeks until my first chemo to wait for the babies to get bigger. Does starting treatment help you feel less fearful? 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2014

    You are only one week post diagnosis?  Then do not fret about the fact that you're still reeling.  For me, I didn't really feel "well" until I was released from my oncologist's care after five years NED status.  I had a mini-meltdown in her office once too. Worried that she'd think I was depressed (I really wasn't), I explained it by saying that I just hated to go there (no offense, Doc!).  It just reminded me that I was still a "cancer patient" although I was lucky enough to believe that it had been completely eradicated.

    Hang in there when you can, and just "let it go" when you can't.  It's all good.


     

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited August 2014

    Gatomal - Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. The things you are going through would make most women collapse to their knees. Are there any anti-anxiety meds the doc could give you that won't affect the babies? Just remember that this is your life right now, but it is not your life. Lean on the normalcy of your beautiful children. I hope you have a lot of help. You WILL find joy again. This crap is a process - my couselor said feeling better would  happen and it would take as long as it takes. My PCP physician "promised" me that I would not always feel like I was feeling, Somehow that promise made things a little better. 

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  • Gatomal
    Gatomal Member Posts: 483
    edited August 2014

    thanks farmerlucy. It's good to hear it is a process. I also am having just regular pregnancy mood swings too. 

    Whatnow-- totally know what you mean. After meeting Dr. Esserman, I told her I would have preferred to just admire her from afar, and didn't ever want to need her as my doctor.

    Five years out sounds like winning the lottery. I shouldn't have peeked at some folks recurrence stories, I pray for them too and all of us here. So glad for these boards right now, I feel like the more honest I am to family, the more it freaks them out. 

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  • linzer
    linzer Member Posts: 164
    edited August 2014

    Gatomal, As others have said - this is totally normal. I remember crying in Target when I was buying Immodium and Biotene... I just lost it. Other things triggered it too. At this point, 10 weeks in, I mainly keep it together, but it's because I'm in the fog of doing the work of chemo etc. and try not to think too far ahead. Let yourself feel your emotions and be good to yourself. If you can get some relief with a medication that may not be a bad idea to help you through. Hugs. You've got a lot on your plate - we're here for you!

    Linda

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  • shewolfpg
    shewolfpg Member Posts: 142
    edited August 2014

    I too broke down but I did it in Walmart. I walked by the bras and cried that I won't be wearing one for a long long time. Although I have always hated them due to being a top heavy girl. My daughter and I were driving back home today from going to get food and I started crying about losing my eyelashes. I thought of all the hair I will lose and that wasn't as hard. I am ready for that.  It was the eyelashes being lost possibly that got me. Bushy eyebrows can go. Those annoying facial hairs can go. Heck no shaving legs or underarms for a while count me in. Even not having to dye my hair I am all for that. Losing my eyelashes causes me to have a meltdown. I am only freshly diagnosed from the 15th and I have my bilateral Masectomy scheduled for Tues with very strong chemo to follow for 16 plus weeks. But you know what keeps me going. I am going to kick this cancers ass even if the treatments may kick my ass  

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  • Gatomal
    Gatomal Member Posts: 483
    edited August 2014

    shewolf, imagine if we lose everything but our chin hair! I was looking into fake eyelashes and temporary tattoo eyebrows. What if I get one on a bit cockeyed? I will certainly look strange all day. I have read that other folks got latisse for use during chemo, and that even though it took awhile to lose all their eyelashes, the latisse helped them grow back much more quickly. I can't use it pregnant, so I'm kinda bummed about that. I was going to go wig shopping today, but I like to limit myself to one breakdown per day. Maybe Monday I'll go.

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  • Gatomal
    Gatomal Member Posts: 483
    edited August 2014

    linzer--biotine! I totally forgot that. And Imodium. Although I have been taking zofran for morning sickness and the constipation is unreal. Is it possible to be both constipated and have diarrhea on the same day? Oh joy. 

    How have you been feeling with SE? 10 weeks in what does it feel like? How is it different? I am sure I will be bawling my first AC on the 20th. And eight hours with the cold cap may be in vain. I bought puffy moleskin for my forehead and ears so I don't get frostbite. 

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  • placid44
    placid44 Member Posts: 497
    edited August 2014

    Gatomal,

    I was also stage 2 and did ACT chemo. It was difficult, but doable. The main thing was paying close attention to my doctor's instructions...she was able to treat the side effects/complications that came up. She said not to juice or take vitamin supplements during chemo. (High levels of antioxidants interfere with the effectiveness of chemo.) A basic, balanced diet was recommended. Anyway, consult your doctor about what you should do. By the way, I often cried in the car! Best wishes for your treatment.

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  • Kicks
    Kicks Member Posts: 4,131
    edited August 2014

    What are "chemo clofhes"?  I wore my usual clothes throughout my 4 DD A/C and 12 weekly Taxol.

    Contact your local "Look Good , Feel Better".  Your BC Navigator at your facility should have already talked to you about it.

    Weigth gain  I lost weoght.  Never had any nausea - just lost appetite, had to call me to remind me to eat durong the day - never thought about eating.  Though while on Taxol, I did have issues with being totally and utterly completely EXHAUSTED.  Other than being tired - I had mo issues with 'mobility'.

    I am not the same person I was 'yesterday' - nor is anyone else.  'Everyday'  is a new day  - to be lived for what i is and rejoice in being alive.  (Just how I fee


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  • Gatomal
    Gatomal Member Posts: 483
    edited August 2014

    "chemo clothes" are comfy zip up front running jackets and cozy pants for the 8 hours of cold cap wearing I will be doing. I am also pregnant, so I don't have really cozy and warm stuff that will fit me in a month. I also bought a zip up the front sports bra so I don't have to struggle getting a sports bra over my head. 

    I intend to get rid of all this stuff when treatment is over so my favorite yoga pants aren't associated with eight hour days of a freezing scalp. I did get a nice microwaveable neck pillow too. 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2014

    I wholeheartedly agree you should get rid of the things that later remind you of this time. I only wore headscarves (no wigs, hats) and they were the first things to go just as soon as I had hair again.

    I'd forgotten you were pregnant.  Yeah, you get a special pass, even above other survivors, for EVERYTHING you're going to be experiencing. I had a friend whose obgyn discovered melanoma on her back because she was giving her an all over physical because she was pregnant.  

    You mentioned "five years out sounds like winning the lottery."  Don't think that way at ALL because it is just NOT true.  You have low staging, ER+/PR+/Her2-.  Those are lucky stats to have.  I have almost EXACTLY your dx.  I was just under 2cm though, so I'm stage I.  But I'm also grade 2 and same hormone status.  IDC is the most common and therefore the most researched.  When I met with my onc for chemo, I believe I had a 95-98% chance of 5 year survival.  I'm now 9.5 years out with no worry about the future.  So don't go reading about those VERY FEW situations that don't progress "according to Hoyle."  You have FAR too much to deal with right now. 

    And look, it's 9:30pm on Saturday 8/2 and you just got through one more day. Hang tough. We'll be thinking about you.

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  • Hutchins3
    Hutchins3 Member Posts: 18
    edited August 2014

    I finished chemo at the end of last August and just finished my reconstruction two weeks ago-I had some complications along the way.  I was 39 at diagnosis with no family history or risk factors.  Please be kind to yourself.   I am amazed at how "normal" my life has become again in just one year.  I am amazed that I went through all the surgeries, and treatments I did and am doing so well.  It has made me so very grateful for my little girl, husband and mom.  I wish neither of us ever had to do this but have confidence that you can get through this!  You will amaze yourself.  I of course fear a recurrence with every ache or pain but believe that will lessen in time.  As for eyelashes,  mine hung on until 2 months post chemo.  When the long lashes fell out, I already had short lashes growing in.  Someone told me to skip mascara--the weight of it can pull lashed out.  I did and think it really made a big difference.  You are in my prayers.

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  • linzer
    linzer Member Posts: 164
    edited August 2014

    Gatomal, I use the Biotene toothpaste and the mouth rinse. I also do coconut pulls (swooshing around coconut oil in mouth - icky but works) along with baking soda/salt rinse and gargle. I've not yet had a mouth sore. In fact, I had one and made it disappear. Zap - take that!! I also haven't had any funky taste changes for the most part. Some days my mouth is sensitive to salt, but that's about it. I'm not sure if the mouth care I described has helped, or if it was just going to be that way regardless. I can eat anything and it tastes very close to normal.

    I am on Taxol/Herceptin/Perjeta. I won't do AC until after my lumpectomy. I did use Immodium (2 tablets a day for a week) and was getting HORRIBLE doubled-over stomach pains. Then I switched to L-glutamine powder (between 18-24 grams a day - half in morning, half at night). It has made a world of difference. I'm still not "normal" but way, way closer to it than I was. Best part - no more cramps or pains. I'll take it. L-glutamine also helps with neuropathy. I've started having a few pins/needles feelings in my fingers, but not much. Very transient. I need to mention to infusion nurse this week.

    You asked about overall SE... I have been lucky in that it's mainly some fatigue, the Big D that I got under control, hair loss, and indigestion / reflux. I take prilosec and that works wonders. It's the only med I need to take for SE's thankfully. 

    I'm admittedly nervous about starting AC (likely in October) as I've heard that those who do well on Taxol tend to have a harder time with it. Time will tell.

    I won't lie... I was freaked out heading into my first chemo. It is scary. Then, once I did it, I realized isn't as bad as I imagined. I am very lucky to have a nurse who is amazing. No question too silly, talks me through everything, and really has gotten to know me as a person beyond just my cancer dx. There's so much unknown heading in and then it kind of clicks a bit. You'll get a rhythm and routine that falls into place. 

    Good luck with the cold caps. I considered but then decided it was too much work for me. I have an amazing wig that I barely wear. When I go back to teaching in Sept. I will don it daily so as not to scare my students - haha!

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