I don't know what to do

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FightLikeAGirl72
FightLikeAGirl72 Member Posts: 53
edited July 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

First, I can't believe I am writing this, I just have no where to turn.  

My family is a blended family.  I am the third wife of a man who has two daughters from a previous marriage (they are now 12 and 18).  I also have two children (they are now 14 and 16).  Together they are all my children.  Since the oldest moved into our home four years ago, our marriage has suffered greatly.  To me, it always felt like a territory battle for my husband.  I came to accept this was the new dynamic.  I suspected that his daughters would often time talk to my husband behind my back about me and things they did not like about living in the house.  I often complain because nobody outside my husband helps around the house and he was never one to teach his biological children responsibility.  When I tried, all hell broke loose.  Now don't get me wrong, my two biological children are anything but angels.  However, when they would try to stir the pot, I put my husband first.  I understand kids are manipulative and having our family dynamic is a test.  Again, I am going to write, my husband was my priority.  If my biological kids would make comments, I would say tough, I love you, but David is my husband, you need to find a way to get along.  

Last night, as my husband distances himself more and more from me, I learned that he did not subscribe to my same philosophy.  I learned that as his older daughter complained about things that she did not like about me, he would take her complaints and hold them against me.  I did not do a damn thing to him.  For instance, on Sunday, I was upset because I was scrubbing floors, wiping down woodwork, deep cleaning carpets, dusting etc.  Two of the kids help a little (one ran a sweeper on the landing of the second floor and the other helped my husband mow the lawn), while the other two sat in the family room and watched tv.  So, I said twice throughout the day - nobody does a damn thing around this house.  Well the 18 year old took offense because she will sometimes put the dishes away or load the dishwasher.  So as we were having a discussion last night, he turned to me, and told me he has a hard time believing I love him because of the things I say in the house that upset his daughter.  My mouth dropped.  I learned that everything I say or do, that may upset her has been relayed to him and he thus holds it against.

I just got diagnosed with cancer and now I have to deal with this shit on top of a diagnosis.  I am so upset at these games, that I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry, cry, cry.

Sorry to vent, but I've been devastated twice this week.  First my cancer, now my husband.

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  • Sunshineinky
    Sunshineinky Member Posts: 461
    edited July 2014

    I'm sorry you're going through this.  I did want to say that with my own diagnosis the first weeks everything and I do mean everything was magnified.  I remember saying the exact thing you did about nobody doing anything around the house. I also threw things, stomped my feet and slammed a bunch of doors! 

    Just keep in mind that your husband is as worried as you are about this elephant that has suddenly entered your life.  Sometimes I think we mask fear with anger.  

    As for the kids... chore chart.  You need help now more than ever.  An 18 year old should have a job.  If they aren't working and living in your home then their job should be chores.  

    No need for you to burden yourself with all of this alone.  I finally asked my doctor for Xanax.  It helped tremendously with putting everything into perspective.  

    Good luck and welcome to BCO, this forum has saved my sanity!

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  • sarahjane7374
    sarahjane7374 Member Posts: 669
    edited July 2014

    Sorry you are going through this. 

    I'm not one to give good relationship advice.  I'll admit to being pretty clueless in that area myself.  When I was going through my scare, my husband reacted by not reacting.  He just basically buried his head in the sand and had very little tolerance for any of it.  He told me I needed to "snap out of it".

    Well, I did "snap out of it", but not in the way he meant.  But that's a story for another day.... People respond differently to stressors. And until it's happening, I don't think you can predict how it will affect you or the ones around you. 

    But...no excuse for 18 year olds to not help around the house.  Any kid can and should pitch in to the extent they are able.  A chore chart would be a great idea, but you need your husband to buy into it, too, in order for it to work. Sounds like you have tried to deal with the kids, but have you had a true heart to heart with your husband? Mine always had (has) trouble seeing things from any perspective other than his own.  It just does not occur to him to try to understand others.  It's his way or the highway.  I operate differently, so it was hard for me to believe that he just. did. not. get. it.   But he really didn't. 

    Just know that your feelings are normal and ok.  (((Hugs))).  You'll get through this.

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  • FightLikeAGirl72
    FightLikeAGirl72 Member Posts: 53
    edited July 2014

    Thanks everybody!  I have to come to terms that no matter what I say, do or even point out, my husband will never see my side of the story.  I spoke to my dad about it today and he told me, even if he does see what is going on, nothing will ever change.  I think the safest and smartest thing for me to do is go back to church on Sundays.  I definitely will ask God to make the decisions that are best for my family and ask for his help in getting through this.

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  • Ikari
    Ikari Member Posts: 40
    edited July 2014

    I understand this all too well as I struggled with similar dynamics. 

    Is your husband the type who would attend counselling or at least a parenting program?  Hearing these dynamics from someone else may enlighten your husband as to what is going on and he may be more receptive as he is not capitulating "to the enemy" (you).

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  • shewolfpg
    shewolfpg Member Posts: 142
    edited July 2014

    I am right there with you on the 18 year old step daughter not doing anything. She and I have seriously butt heads in the past and currently. I found honestly right now the only thing I can do is pretend she is not there sometimes. I don't count on her to help out because I can deal with the disappointment.   It is really hard but when you don't push or make comments they notice. Just have to be indifferent.  It's hard as hell but it will work. As for the hubby I don't know what to say on that front. Mine tried taking her side many years ago and I almost left over it. That's when he realized that I wasn't going to put up with such disrespect. It still isn't great but he has learned to finally tell her to SHUT UP. And if she wants to move back in with her mom she can. We won't stop her. But guess what she is 18 and we don't have to pay for it anymore either.

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited July 2014

    18 is tough step kid or not. I think the parenting sessions are a great idea. Our step relationship was rocky for a long time but has now come around to a deep friendship and mutual admiration. Letting kids come between parents is a mistake whether they are step or otherwise. You must be a united front for your sake and theirs. 

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited July 2014

    fightlikeagirl, 

    I think shewolf advice is good. It is not worth the battle. The step princess has control over daddy's guilt.

    Her true character will come out when you are in treatment. Will she rise to be a better person or run? 

    My parents divorced when I was 15. I never lived with either of my "step moms". I was an easy, passive kid, but the pain of the divorce was deep. Of course that was 1970, it's different today. Divorce much more excepted.

    Sorry you have been dx. It really sucks. 

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  • FightLikeAGirl72
    FightLikeAGirl72 Member Posts: 53
    edited July 2014

    Ladies,

    Thank you so much for letting me vent and your advice.  I decided to call my the psychologist that was assigned to me as part of my case management.  She recommended that at my pre-op appointment next week, that she will casually poke her head in on the hubby She also said, if necessary, she will pull him aside to recommend that we sit down together to come up with a plan to deal with the issues.  I could not believe I called her!  I just thought, she's there for a reason, so I should take advantage of the resource!

    Kris

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  • sarahjane7374
    sarahjane7374 Member Posts: 669
    edited July 2014

    Good for you!ThumbsUp

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  • LittleMelons
    LittleMelons Member Posts: 273
    edited July 2014

    FightLikeAGirl72 - I think it might be helpful to draw up a list of things that need to be done around the house and divide them up among all the kids.  Waiting for teenagers to volunteer to help with chores is like waiting for snow to melt in January (at least where I live)....it's possible, but not likely. I think expectations need to be firmly established, for your husband as well. Your husband should support you in getting the kids to do their bit. Being rather passive aggressive and snarky is a common teenagerly trait...but disrespect to parents is not acceptable.  The kids need be reminded that you are a family now and everyone needs to contirbute, you are not the servant lady.  They could rotate through the four lists of chores so than none of them complains that the other has it easier.  

    I do sympathize with you having four teenagers in the house and having a cancer diagnosis at the same time.  It is difficult and stressful. Good luck to you.  With perseverance, things should work out in the long run.

     

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited July 2014

    Boy Kris I can relate to issues with stepchildren. My DH had 3 boys; they are grown now. Anyway our house every other weekend, was a constant source of friction. My DH was like yours- did not want to offend his kids but it was k that I was offended. Guilt, guilt and more guilt. i There were several times I almost left him over it. We both went to counseling and I went to step-parenting classes. They did help. They didnt live with us but we paid very hefty child support- another set of issues. Good for you talking to someone and getting your DH to as well. On top of all of that you have BC. You deserve lots of help and support. 

    Diane

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  • vlnrph
    vlnrph Member Posts: 1,632
    edited July 2014

    Great job on calling the pysch person & planning to go back to church. Positive actions take energy but are worth it.

    Depending on the congregation, there may be a "care committee" that can step in and provide meals, etc. Perhaps the example of outsiders volunteering to help someone in need (who they might not even know!) will influence your teens to think about their contribution - or lack of it...

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