husband cries

I was just reading the thread, the stupidest thing anyone ever said to you, and I could relate right off the bat. The initial post was about a husband who wanted sympathy from his wife because SHE had cancer.

Many years ago after the birth of my first son, I found out that I had 7 abnormal papa smears during my pregnany and they never told me. While we were waiting for the follow up tests my husband was being a real jerk, I asked him . Why. He said, my wife might have cancer!  I didn't have the strength then to reply to that.

So fast forward 20 years, and we are waiting for the follow up on my mammogram..I told him and my son's, right now before we get any news I want to tell you:

If I have cancer I am going to have to focus on myself to get better. I may want to be alone so I can heal. I may be grumpy, but this is about me, not you, and if I want to get better I need to put myself first.

Which looks kind of harsh in black and white.

My husband trying. He is trying hard.

When we were waiting for the results of the biopsy he was upset I didn't want to talk about how much he loves me and he will be lost when I am dead. I wasn't even diagnosed yet. my anxiety about the thought of leaving my kids was not relieved by him telling me he would go crazy when I was gone and he was supposed to die first. He said i was being disrespectful because I wouldnt look at him. I kept playing Tetris so I wouldn't see him cry.

The next day I told him:

I need a bubble around me filled with positive thoughts. I need people around me who look at me like i am going to live, not like i am already dead. If you can't be positive, I still love you but you can't be in my bubble. I will shut you out so I can survive.

And now that i am diagnosed he is trying. But he cries. And tells me how sad he is.and worried about money. And he will miss righty. 

And all I want to want to hear is, you will be fine. We will get through this. I love you and you will still be sexy.

He tries. He turns his head so I don't see the tears. He stops himself when he tells me his worries and I turn away.

My oldest son is so supportive and it doesn't seem fair. He gives me hugs and tells me it will be ok. He lets me cry and takes care of his brother. It doesn't seem fair to him that I lean on him and his father just cries.