Why are they afraid of me?
I am always felt very loved and wanted by family and friends .
I never anticipated the non-reactions I am getting now from family and friends . I feel they are afraid of me.I have cancer, I have not turned into a vampire.
I was diagnosed June 26. Surgery happend July 2 (lumpectomy RB, node disection, and one really deep biopsy LB) Even my hair hurt afterwards.
I called family first and then friends. I said something along the lines that I had some really sucky news. Then I made jokes about going to extremes to see the surgeon who is quite handsome. I try to make people feel comfortable with me.
Are you ready for this? No one calls, No one emails, No one visits. My husband says they ask him but they dont talk to me directly.He says they are afraid that asking will get me thinking about BC when I may not be. Really? I am thinking about it all the time and I am thinking about it alone. Well, really not alone. I am married to a Super-hero but he is one person and I will wear him out.
People need to know that a moment of tears will be far surpassed by the comfort I will feel later when I can relive the concern I heard in the voice of family and friends.
I was so sad today when yet again I opened my emails and not even the usual nonsense of jokes and gossip.
What the hell, I feel like sending an email blast." Hey, you guys...Im still here. Where are you?"
If youre still reading, thank you.
Comments
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my own family has done the same with me. I was just discussing this my husband today. My sister in law on my side does keep in contact. My husbands family keeps in contact too. But my own mother brother and sister are MIA. They did contact me when this first started. I just had my first round of chemo and didn't hear a word from my family.
I am sorry you are going through this too. Maybe they will come around
Nancy
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It's tough to know why people react the way they do. People have surprised and disappointed me as well, however, I was blessed my sister, sister in law and several friends were godsends. I didn't ramble on about my BC either except to one friend who went through the same thing. I knew she would understand.
I think they are afraid - like we are contagious or something. How ironic is that. We didn't ask for this disease. I had one friend who was semi-sympathetic but then right into her medical issues. She is an X friend now. Sometimes you are supposed to consider your friend's feelings...
Diane
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Raidergirl, I think that it could be that others just aren't sure what to say so they don't say anything. Maybe they are afraid that you don't want to talk about it, or that it might upset you if they bring up the wrong thing. So, you may have to be the one to reach out and contact friends and just say "Hey, how's it going?" and get the ball rolling. Don't just sit around wondering where all your support is. It sucks that it isn't there already, and it should be, but give them the benefit of the doubt, and maybe they will come around. Just send out some friendly emails or texts and I bet you will get some replies. Don't be too harsh on them. They just don't understand. Maybe after you get it started they will be more willing to start asking you questions. Good luck!
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This topic has come up over and over on this site. All of us seem to go through this. I have stopped second guessing why people react the way they do. I figure that's just how they are. For instance, I had a very good friend who was extremely non-empathetic. I have been there for her through thick and thin, through all her angst over whatever is going on in her life. She minimizes and trivializes everything I am going through. When I told her how depressed I was, she said "go see a therapist". She only wants to see me when I can do "fun" things, even when I was so sick from chemo. When I confronted her on it she was TRULY ignorant of doing anything wrong. I have come to realize she is just a very self centered, shallow person. Other family members who live maybe 15 minutes from me (mostly inlaws) have never visited me in the entire 8 months I have been sick. One even said to me, "how come we don't see you any more, you don't visit us?" HELLO...maybe because I've been sick from surgery and 7 months of chemo and radiation!!
On the other hand I have had family members and friends who have flown in from other COUNTRIES to be with me when I was going through the hard chemo months.
My conclusion... It is very hurtful to think family/friends are not there for us. But I am thankful that I now know who I can count on. For the rest, I chalk it up to THEIR lack of character, nothing to do with me, and put them in the category of fair weather friends/family.
I just want to add...to give people the benefit of the doubt, maybe they are unsure what to do and if they are asking your hubby about you, maybe he could be very direct and say, Call her, she needs your support right now ! Or send out an email to update everybody on how you're doing, and mention that you would love to have visitors now
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It is hard to not tske it personally but it doesnt have anything to do with u it has to do with them. I am sorrt, the ball is in their court unless u want to reach out. I went through my friends the first time n got rid of some. I still have people that will talk to me would never go to chemo where I nneeded the company. Good luck
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I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I think all of us have had friends and family that are over-the-top for being there for us and also some that avoid us.
My theory is that people think denial = it won't happen to them.
If they "deal" with your cancer and hear your story, they may be terrified it could happen to them. I give these people the benefit of the doubt. I have learned to have little expectation from people so as not to be disappointed.
I will add that when you make light of and try to put people at ease, perhaps they see this as a blip in your life because you act and present yourself worry free and carefree. If you need and want empathy and support, sometimes you need to let people know that. If they discount your request, write them off. Not everyone understands how serious a diagnosis like this is. Breast cancer especially has become so common place that I fear some people act like it is "the common cold."
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I know my father can't deal with it. He chooses to think I'm going through a minor glitch. He just turned 80 and he is determined he will go before me. It's ok I pretend to that nothing is wrong. But it hurts when they avoid contact as a protective mechanism. I feel bad about it I mean I didn't do anything to cause the cancer.
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Raidergirl,
I understand exactly where your coming from. I have a sister who I hadn't seen in a few months and I let her know of my diagnosis and I would be going in for surgery. Well she came to visit me right away said how great I looked went out for dinner with my hubby and myself and stayed til 3a.m. I almost felt like she didn't want to leave my side. That was about 2-3 weeks before my surgery. I had my surgery June 23 and I haven't seen or heard a word from her since that night, I just don't get it she totally disappeared hasn't said boo or even a how are you since she visited me before my surgery. My other 2 sisters are great and I know she has talked to them and knows all about my operation. I don't know what's happened to her or if she just doesn't want to deal with it, I haven't a clue. I just don't understand that one period! I also have a number of people in my life that have disappeared to. Really I do feel they must think they are going to catch something, they've just gone poof..vanished and I thought we were pretty close friends. You seriously do find out who your real friends and family are really quick I think. It's early days for me since my surgery 4 weeks ago but I've been dealing with this desertion for a number of months now. I really don't get it or understand it either.
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sammyjokk
Thanks for your reply. Today is exactly 31 since my diagnosis. My friends of 20+ years have yet to call. These are go on vacation together kind of friends. They know my secrets. They have been in my life. He is an ex-clergy. She is now retired. When I called her she said she said she was sorry to hear it, that she would pray for me and asked if I needed anything. My replies, thankyou , thank you and nothing at the moment. I told her she would hear via phone or text how the surgery went. My husband texted her and others immediately once I left the OR.
Then the radar went dark.
I have not heard from her since. I texted my most recent happy news that Chemo is off the table. Still nothing fromm her.
I usually dont pussy foot around subjects .I usually address situations frankly but kindly. I want to ask if I have done something or failed to do something that has caused this casual attitude towards something that is life altering for me? I hesitate because I may lose a friend this way, but then I think is she really a friend? So, I will give her some time but I will talk to her about this someday soon. I think about this everyday. Its really very sad.
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Meow13
At 80 you have to cut your dad some slack. Its impossible for him to think of his child with cancer. Take what her can give. I understand your hurt though. It would be nice if he could face it and help you do too.
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Wallycat,
I know what you mean about acting worrying free. But I did cry before the joking so they know how I feel.
The hospital where I am getting treatment assigns BC patients a "nurse navigator" to help with all the scheduling and concerns and questions. She is my angel. One of the things I love best about her is that she neither dramatizes nor trivializes this cancer. She is just real.
I wish everyone could be like that.
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Raidergirl: I know exactly how you feel. Most people are wonderful and in fact, some really shocked me with how thoughtful they were even when they were not really close to me prior to my dx. But some very close persons really let us down, just when we need them the most. I do not understand. I am a social worker and normally can relate to almost any situation. But how others can not be there when we need them the most, still astonishes me. It should just be a basic instinct of humanity. Sometimes I am amazed that the human race has endured for as long as it has, given how many dire flaws there are in human nature. I understand addictions, mental health issues, etc, etc, but not being strong enough to help someone you love or being afraid of "catching" cancer or whatever bs they have convinced themselves of, simply shocks me. We need to be stronger, not only for ourselves, but for others, and there simply should not be a choice. Can you tell that I have some pretty strong feelings about this?? My sister abandoned me following my dx and did not call for four months without even knowing what my final dx or prognosis was. She may never have called if my brother could finally not stand it anymore and strongly hinted that she should be in touch with me. WTH!
So know that a lot of us have gone through exactly what you are experiencing. I think that we have the right to let them know how badly they failed at being a sister, friend, or whatever. I have definitely let my sister know and I fear that our relationship will never be the same. I am just so glad to focus on the wonderful people in my life. You have them too. I sure know where my energies will go in the future
So now that we are so enlightened, let us be there for each other and for others that will need us in the future and set the example for how human beings need to treat one another. ((((((hugs to you))))))
ps 80 year old dads do get a "get out of jail free card" Lol
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Hey Raidergirl: I think a lot of the time people don't know what to say or not to say. I am so blessed that my friends and family really rallied around me (and still do). From the time of my diagnosis until my last radiation treatment, they asked me to let them know about each appointment, test, etc. I found that by telling them, it really helped me stay focused. I still text or call after each mammo, oncology appointment, etc and they celebrate good results and doctor visits and I know they will be there to cry with me when needed.
My husband and I are very involved with local fundraising for breast cancer and have met a lot of people we would not otherwise have met. Some are NED and some are not. We also go to a breast cancer support group and they are just a wonderful support system for us. My family and friends come up for our October kickoff event and it makes me realize just how blessed I am. I have tried to find the blessing in my diagnosis and treatments....like since I had radiation, I have no hair or sweat glands under my left arm so my deodorant lasts twice as long, lol.
Please let your friends know how you feel and maybe you will find that they were waiting on you to reach out to them. My husband served on the USS Wisconsin BB-64 and I am the membership chairman for our association and those members keep a check on how I'm doing, etc. It warms my heart to think how many people keep me lifted in prayer.
I pray that your friends will come around....no matter what, the people on the boards are here for you, every step of the way.
God bless you my friend,
LaDonna
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FilterLady
Thank you for your kind words. I suppose you are right . But it would be so nice to know that they are thinking of me.
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Raider, I won't pretend to know or understand what your friends are feeling or why they are not being more supportive... But, from personal experience, I agree, with some of the ladies who have responded here that sometimes people just don't know what to say or do. I don't think it's you that they are afraid of - I would venture to say that it is more likely that they are afraid to say or do something to make this situation even more difficult for you. Because they love you. And so, instead, they wait for you to give them direction, but then they don't always understand that direction, even when it might be so clear to you...
If this crappy hand has any upside for me, I think that it has helped me to realize how to better support others who might need me in the future. I cringe sometimes thinking about how I handled situations in my past - when I thought I was being a good friend!
Anyways, you also now have a community of new friends here who are pulling for you and totally 'get' what you're going through. Please don't ever feel alone!
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My father (Who was 65 at the time) was obsessed about the details of my care and treatment and called every day. Pre-cancer, I would hardly ever hear from him. I couldn't take it anymore. I told him when he called, "Don't call me to talk about cancer!" "If that is the only thing we have to talk about, don't call. I have to live it once, so I don't want to re-live it all over again, over the phone." I can only guess that it was guilt on his part. He was for the most part an absentee parent. Since then he has been really good about it. He asks, How are you? I say Great!There are only a few trusted people I have discussed my cancer diagnosis with. The reality, is that I personally have experience times where I've found out someone has a serious illness, and am frankly at a loss as to what to say or do. I was extremely private and introverted during that time, so I can say that I have managed it the way I would like. If I am asked for an empathic ear, or support, I will be there in a heart beat. People are generally ignorant about what we've gone through. Sometimes I think it takes someone who has already gone down that path to truly understand.
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Hi There,
I think that they are afraid mostly... They surely think that this will never happen to them and if they get so close - it could in some weird way happen to them. I said to you- keep your head up and take notes from those that do not have the courage to email, call, or come by. I am going for my biopsy soon- and I have a feeling that I have Cancer so- I am not expecting any outpouring of Love from my family- since we are not that close from the start. It is my fight- and I will do everything I can to live my life.... So keep on living and be happy, you are here for a reason- Enjoy!!!
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I agree with Nan. I too have offered to help people I know and then waited for them to call. Now that I am on this side of the fence I know better. You don't offer to help or send a meal, you say "I'm am making you supper and a back up, what day and time should I deliver it. Even thought it hurts like crazy that they aren't talking to you about it, they do sound concerned and afraid when talking to hubby. He needs to tell them that you feel lonely and would appreciate any company or communication. If you make them feel guilty, it will have the opposite effect and they will contact you less. But if you reach out first, like someone else suggested, the bridge will be crossed. Conversation in any circumstance is a two way street (my brother gave me that advice years ago as I am shy and I HATED it then, but now it makes so much sense to me). Even though they should have called, they should have visited, they should have brought you a meal or something. I don't think a mass email is a bad idea, but I would phrase it more like "Many of you have been asking (husband's name) about me. Thanks for the concern. I would love to give you an update, come on over! The biggest thing I could use is some company and support as the days are very long! I could also use a few freezer meals as I am too tired and sore to cook."
I hope my friends forgive me too, for the days that I am too tired, or sad, or sick to answer the phone or have them over or anything. Because everyone is going through something.
That being said, this is exactly the place to come and vent. Let it all out, cry and scream. We won't judge, but hopefully offer some helpful words. I have ranted here many, many times. And it always helps. Take the suggestions you want and forget the rest. This is your life and your diagnosis.
BIG HUGS!
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raider girl: I lost a best friend when I was diagnosed. We had been friends for over 15 years and suddenly, after I told her she dropped off the face of the earth. I went through chemo and was bald, no contact or support whatsoever. I had almost finished radiation when she decided to check in. She told me that she was sorry and that she was just so devastated by the news she needed to step away...I told her it was fine but it really wasn't. I needed support and was basically abandoned. Though she's tried to make contact, it still hurts and it made me realize how selfish she was. Just hang in there. You will realize who your true friends are and who you can count on even through the rough times.
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This is a very good topic. I am so sorry that we have to deal with people that cannot understand how difficult this disease is and how much it impact your life for such a long time.
I had a close friend that told some mutual friends that she did not want to invite me to her birthday as she wanted it to be a happy event, all about her with no mention of cancer. She told them that having someone there with cancer would ruin her special day. My DH and I were close friends with her and her family for years. We even watched her kids so they could go away. It was very hurtful at the time and still is but I am so much better off with her in my life.
Having cancer has really taught me not to put up with so much crap from people!!
Hugs to all.
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Shoppy - I'm speechless. Inviting someone with cancer would ruin her day?? Wow. Just wow.
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Natsfan
I know!! I am so glad that we are not friends anymore but there is also a part of me that thinks it is so unfair that someone as ignorant as that has good health and I am left with on going side effects from the chemo and also the fear of it returning.
I try not to think about it too much but it is annoying.
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wow.... I'd call that a new low for sure! So selfish!
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It is very difficult for some people to deal with your dx. They are frieghtened and wordering how they would handle it if it were them. They are as overwhelmed as you and may just need to back away. I've found that friends who have experienced something like this in the past, perhaps a parent with cancer, were the first to step up to the plate and know how to be supportive. I don't know your age, but if your friends & family are younger they may not have the emotional background to know how to help. Know that the people here understand what you are going through and we care. Your friends may need some space, but we are here. Take care and come here to cry, vent, ask questions, whatever you need.
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Dear Clarrn,
Thats what my mother taught me. Never ask "is there anything I can do?" just do something.
- Im going to the dry cleaners. Can I take/pickup something for you?
- I went to the farmers market and I have some peaches for you.
- Im coming over and bringing my manicure kit. Im gonna make your nails look nice...ok?
- Im coming over and we're having tea while I do your laundry.
- I made a batch of homemade soup can I bring it over now?
If you live too far from that person to so something physcial then send cards, send flowers and call.
Im feeling better today.
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One of my MIA friends has resurfaced. She sent a blast email that her cat died. She is very attached to her pets and so I understand. I emailed her and said that I suspected that something was up because I had not heard from her . She said that her household were having some problems and that she couldn't burden me. And I told her that whatever is going on in her life is never worse than my imagination.
So I told her that she can not solve my problem and that I cant solve hers but we can spend some time together and feel the love like we always have through bad relationships, wayward children, etc.
She agreed and said we will get together soon.
I wonder if I'll hear from her unless I call.
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I am 55. Most of my friends are the same or older. some lightly younger.
And you are right. They are scared of their own reaction. I am 55 going on 40. I really look younger and I am very energetic. Its only been a month but I have already changed. The sadness, stress and anger involved with this DX has drained me.
I am certain that life experiences has already showed them the changes that will come and perhaps they cant handle seeing me like that.
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I have been thinking more about this. Maybe this forum would have better represented those that we are discussing by being entitled, "Why are they so afraid of themselves?" They must be so aware of their own limitations and inability to handle situations, that they have to hide from life. It would be awful to live like that. Being around someone who has been dealing with cancer or other challenges is often a very positive experience, showing the strength, determination and resiliency of the human spirit. Raidergirl, it is their loss not to observe and experience all that you are going through. Life is not just about the positives and in fact, it is the challenges in life that really show case the best that life has to offer. It is their loss. What would they do if their child became ill? Not invite them to their party?
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I am glad to see someone else has noticed the phone rings less, not invited to shopping
Outings anymore because I tire quickly. My daughter will not let my 3yr old twin
Granddaughters visit overnite because she says they are too much for me.
I am a Substitute teacher after retiring in 2001 and I have continued since my dx
8/13. Had colon surgery in Sept., rtd to school 11/13. My meds are xgeva shot
Monthly and femara pill daily. I'm blessed with minimal joint pain. So my point is
I am still very capable of doing quite a lot. Why are fiends and family so reluctant?
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I am so glad I found this topic. I thought it was just me or I was imagining a change in some peoples attitudes. Recent issue happened in my neighborhood. Each summer the couple next door has a big summer picnic...for the last 5 years we have been invited. Last weekend they had their picnic and we weren't invited. I was totally hurt and felt that I couldn't even go in my own yard for the evening as it was too uncomfortable. Later in the week I asked a mutual friend if she knew why weren't invited...she told me the couple thought I would be too sad and depressed to come and I might bring others down if I was there. I might not have gone but it would have been nice to be invited and given the opportunity to decline on my own.
Thanks for giving a place to vent!
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