Why are they afraid of me?

It's tough to know why people react the way they do. People have surprised and disappointed me as well, however, I was blessed my sister, sister in law and several friends were godsends. I didn't ramble on about my BC either except to one friend who went through the same thing. I knew she would understand. 

I think they are afraid - like we are contagious or something. How ironic is that. We didn't ask for this disease. I had one friend who was semi-sympathetic but then right into her medical issues. She is an X friend now. Sometimes you are supposed to consider your friend's feelings...

Diane

This topic has come up over and over on this site. All of us seem to go through this. I have stopped second guessing why people react the way they do. I figure that's just how they are. For instance, I had a very good friend who was extremely non-empathetic. I have been there for her through thick and thin, through all her angst over whatever is going on in her life. She minimizes and trivializes everything I am going through. When I told her how depressed I was, she said "go see a therapist". She only wants to see me when I can do "fun" things, even when I was so sick from chemo. When I confronted her on it she was TRULY ignorant of doing anything wrong.  I have come to realize she is just a very self centered, shallow person. Other family members who live maybe 15 minutes from me  (mostly inlaws) have never visited me in the entire 8 months I have been sick. One even said to me, "how come we don't see you any more, you don't visit us?"  HELLO...maybe because I've been sick from surgery and 7 months of chemo and radiation!! 

On the other hand I have had family members and friends who have flown in from other COUNTRIES to be with me when I was going through the hard chemo months.

My conclusion... It is very hurtful to think family/friends are not there for us. But I am thankful that I now know who I can count on. For the rest, I chalk it up to THEIR lack of character, nothing to do with me, and put them in the category of fair weather friends/family.

I just want to add...to give people the benefit of the doubt, maybe they are unsure what to do and if they are asking your hubby about you, maybe he could be very direct and say, Call her, she needs your support right now ! Or send out an email to update everybody on how you're doing, and mention that you would love to have visitors now

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

I think all of us have had friends and family that are over-the-top for being there for us and also some that avoid us.

My theory is that people think denial = it won't happen to them.

If they "deal" with your cancer and hear your story, they may be terrified it could happen to them.  I give these people the benefit of the doubt.  I have learned to have little expectation from people so as not to be disappointed.

I will add that when you make light of and try to put people at ease, perhaps they see this as a blip in your life because you act and present yourself worry free and carefree.  If you need and want empathy and support, sometimes you need to let people know that.  If they discount your request, write them off.  Not everyone understands how serious a diagnosis like this is.  Breast cancer especially has become so common place that I fear some people act like it is "the common cold."

Raidergirl,

I understand exactly where your coming from. I have a sister who I hadn't seen in a few months and I let her know of my diagnosis and I would be going in for surgery. Well she came to visit me right away said how great I looked went out for dinner with my hubby and myself and stayed til 3a.m. I almost felt like she didn't want to leave my side. That was about 2-3 weeks before my surgery. I had my surgery June 23 and I haven't seen or heard a word from her since that night, I just don't get it she totally disappeared hasn't said boo or even a how are you since she visited me before my surgery. My other 2 sisters are great and I know she has talked to them and knows all about my operation. I don't know what's happened to her or if she just doesn't want to deal with it, I haven't a clue. I just don't understand that one period! I also have a number of people in my life that have disappeared to. Really I do feel they must think they are going to catch something, they've just gone poof..vanished and I thought we were pretty close friends. You seriously do find out who your real friends and family are really quick I think. It's early days for me since my surgery 4 weeks ago but I've been dealing with this desertion for a number of months now. I really don't get it or understand it either. 

Raidergirl:  I know exactly how you feel.  Most people are wonderful and in fact, some really shocked me with how thoughtful they were even when they were not really close to me prior to my dx.  But some very close persons really let us down, just when we need them the most.  I do not understand.  I am a social worker and normally can relate to almost any situation.  But how others can not be there when we need them the most, still astonishes me.  It should just be a basic instinct of humanity.  Sometimes I am amazed that the human race has endured for as long as it has, given how many dire flaws there are in human nature.  I understand addictions, mental health issues, etc, etc, but not being strong enough to help someone you love or being afraid of "catching" cancer or whatever bs they have convinced themselves of, simply shocks me.  We need to be stronger, not only for ourselves, but for others, and there simply should not be a choice.  Can you tell that I have some pretty strong feelings about this?? My sister abandoned me following my dx and did not call for four months without even knowing what my final dx or prognosis was.  She may never have called if my brother could finally not stand it anymore and strongly hinted that she should be in touch with me.  WTH! 

So know that a lot of us have gone through exactly what you are experiencing.  I think that we have the right to let them know how badly they failed at being a sister, friend, or whatever.  I have definitely let my sister know and I fear that our relationship will never be the same.  I am just so glad to focus on the wonderful people in my life.  You have them too.  I sure know where my energies will go in the future

So now that we are so enlightened, let us be there for each other and for others that will need us in the future and set the example for how human beings need to treat one another.  ((((((hugs to you))))))

ps  80 year old dads do get a "get out of jail free card" Lol  

My father (Who was 65 at the time) was obsessed about the details of my care and treatment and called every day.  Pre-cancer, I would hardly ever hear from him.  I couldn't take it anymore. I told him when he called, "Don't call me to talk about cancer!"  "If that is the only thing we have to talk about, don't call.  I have to live it once, so I don't want to re-live it all over again, over the phone."  I can only guess that it was guilt on his part.  He was for the most part an absentee parent.     Since then he has been really good about it. He asks, How are you?  I say Great!   

There are only a few trusted people I have discussed my cancer diagnosis with.  The reality, is that I personally have experience times where I've found out someone has a serious illness, and am frankly at a loss as to what to say or do.  I was extremely private and introverted during that time, so I can say that I have managed it the way I would like.  If I am asked for an empathic ear, or support, I will be there in a heart beat.  People are generally ignorant about what we've gone through. Sometimes I think it takes someone who has already gone down that path to truly understand.  

I agree with Nan.  I too have offered to help people I know and then waited for them to call.  Now that I am on this side of the fence I know better.  You don't offer to help or send a meal, you say "I'm am making you supper and a back up, what day and time should I deliver it.  Even thought it hurts like crazy that they aren't talking to you about it, they do sound concerned and afraid when talking to hubby.  He needs to tell them that you feel lonely and would appreciate any company or communication.  If you make them feel guilty, it will have the opposite effect and they will contact you less.  But if you reach out first, like someone else suggested, the bridge will be crossed.  Conversation in any circumstance is a two way street (my brother gave me that advice years ago as I am shy and I HATED it then, but now it makes so much sense to me).  Even though they should have called, they should have visited, they should have brought you a meal or something.  I don't think a mass email is a bad idea, but I would phrase it more like "Many of you have been asking (husband's name) about me.  Thanks for the concern.  I would love to give you an update, come on over!  The biggest thing I could use is some company and support as the days are very long!  I could also use a few freezer meals as I am too tired and sore to cook."  

I hope my friends forgive me too, for the days that I am too tired, or sad, or sick to answer the phone or have them over or anything.  Because everyone is going through something.

That being said, this is exactly the place to come and vent.  Let it all out, cry and scream.  We won't judge, but hopefully offer some helpful words.  I have ranted here many, many times.  And it always helps.   Take the suggestions you want and forget the rest.  This is your life and your diagnosis.  

BIG HUGS!

This is a very good topic. I am so sorry that we have to deal with people that cannot understand how difficult this disease is and how much it impact your life for such a long time. 

I had a close friend that told some mutual friends that she did not want to invite me to her birthday as she wanted it to be a happy event, all about her with no mention of cancer. She told them that having someone there with cancer would ruin her special day. My DH and I were close friends with her and her family for years. We even watched her kids so they could go away.  It was very hurtful at the time and still is but I am so much better off with her in my life. 

Having cancer has really taught me not to put up with so much crap from people!! 

Hugs to all. 

Natsfan

I know!! I am so glad that we are not friends anymore but there is also a part of me that thinks it is so unfair that someone as ignorant as that  has good health and I am left with on going side effects from the chemo and also the fear of it returning. 

I try not to think about it too much but it is annoying. 

It is very difficult for some people to deal with your dx. They are frieghtened and wordering how they would handle it if it were them. They are as overwhelmed as you and may just need to back away. I've found that friends who have experienced something like this in the past, perhaps a parent with cancer, were the first to step up to the plate and know how to be supportive. I don't know your age, but if your friends & family are younger they may not have the emotional background to know how to help. Know that the people here understand what you are going through and we care. Your friends may need some space, but we are here. Take care and come here to cry, vent, ask questions, whatever you need.

I have been thinking more about this.  Maybe this forum would have better represented those that we are discussing by being entitled, "Why are they so afraid of themselves?"  They must be so aware of their own limitations and inability to handle situations, that they have to hide from life.  It would be awful to live like that.  Being around someone who has been dealing with cancer or other challenges is often a very positive experience, showing the strength, determination and resiliency of the human spirit.  Raidergirl, it is their loss not to observe and experience all that you are going through.  Life is not just about the positives and in fact, it is the challenges in life that really show case the best that life has to offer.  It is their loss.  What would they do if their child became ill?  Not invite them to their party?     

I am so glad I found this topic.   I thought it was just me or I was imagining a change in some peoples attitudes. Recent issue happened in my neighborhood. Each summer the couple next door has a big summer picnic...for the last 5 years we have been invited. Last weekend they had their picnic and we weren't invited. I was totally hurt and felt that I couldn't even go in my own yard for the evening as it was too uncomfortable.  Later in the week I asked a mutual friend if she knew why weren't invited...she told me the couple thought I would be too sad and depressed to come and I might bring others down if I was there. I might not have gone but it would have been nice to be invited and given the opportunity to decline on my own.  

Thanks for giving a place to vent!