2014 Divorce Anyone?

I see others have chimed in with a "not exactly a divorce" so I feel I can vent a little here...

In November, I found out my live-in bf of 10.5 years went on vacation to the DR with a gf I didn't know he had. We were working things out and he was "getting his priorities straight" when I showed him a lump on the rib under my breast that I thought was a regular cyst. He is the one who insisted I get it checked out.

Christmas comes and he decides to move in with a male friend from work to create desperation and "find himself." I was diagnosed in the beginning of February.

He comes running back to move in crying and saying he can't bear the thought of losing me...how he wants to be here for me...why didn't we ever get married etc. He stayed with me through surgery and has been very helpful with my self-esteem and recovery. He is my best friend, not just a bf and I'm very comfortable discussing my real feelings and feeds with him.

Here we are in May. His last day in this house is Saturday. He and the girl he went to the DR with are getting their own place. He tells me it's his place but she'll be there all the time. He tells me I am his best friend and he will spend nights at my house to watch the dog etc. While I am away getting chemo. He tells me he is still here for me anytime he needs me. He tells me I have done nothing wrong and it is him who has destroyed our relationship. 

The whole situation and loss was painful enough without breast cancer and necrosis...In the middle of the night, the other girl starts sending me texts telling me to stay out of their lives, move on and get my own life. She tells me I've been in a dead relationship for two years and was too blind to see it. She tells me I need to cut my ties with him and give their relationship a chance. My simple reply was that I would give their relationship the same respect that she gave ours and I wished them both the best.

I told my bf? About it the next morning. He said SHE doesn't get to make those decisions and he would speak to her about her childish actions because I didn't deserve this on top of everything else.

I am not a stupid person. Hind-site shows me I probably should've split from bf a while ago and NEVER let him come back after my dx, but that is already done. Like a marriage, our finances and loans are all intertwined...but there is no lawyer to sort it all out. I am the bill-payer and take care of all our bills out of both of our paychecks. He leaves and then SHE will be helping him "learn" to pay his own bills. I am the co-signer on the loan for his car. What if she stops paying? I can not afford this house on my own and owe 100,000 dollars more than it's worth so I can't sell it. On top of the financial issues, she expects me to stop talking to every mutual friend my bf and I ever had and change my whole life so she can have hers while my bf insists that doesn't need to happen but he would like me to stop talking to his family. His mom calls me every few days to check in on me and ask about her son (he doesn't like talking to her).

This is a lot of stress... I start chemo next month and I'm facing it and going out in public without my best friend or boyfriend, I'm losing my house in the next few months, my credit will be destroyed, and I'm not supposed to speak to the woman I called mom for 10 years and she refers to as her daughter-in-law. I can't count the number of times I cry in a day and I can't pinpoint the reason b/c there are so many...

Wenweb,

Thank you for your honesty. I'm learning to do me first...slowly! : ) I know you are correct...Just gotta keep reminding myself!

Radical, I hesitate to chime in here, but I wonder if you must abandon so many of your friends to accommodate SHE.  My son and his wife divorced 14 tears ago.  He is many miles away but my ex DIL and the children and her family have still stayed close to my husband and me.  

If I were you, I would meet with your ex "MIL" and tell her how close you feel toward her.  Tell her you don't expect her to takes sides against her son or run interference for you, but you would miss her friendship and  hope it doesn't have to happen.  I bet she feels the same way.  I would also talk to all mutual friends the same way.  Why exactly, should you lose your friends and suppport system due to your ex's lack of character.  These relationships don't happen in a vacuum.  Your ex won't like it but that is his problem.

Edwards750, I’m just going to jump in right here! I am not comtemplating divorce, but we have
had a tough time through this cancer stuff!
My DH seems to think I’m wonder woman and that nothing has changed! That I will always do the things that I’ve always
done and basically, because there was no one to catch the slack, I did just
that all the way through treatment!! My
DH also goes to all appts with me, but I think it’s only so he will know what
is said because he thinks maybe I’ll make more of it than it is! Heck the whole time I was taking chemo, he
didn’t miss one visit, but all he did was make me miserable because he laughed
and joked with the nurses the whole time when all I wanted to was sleep! Once I even told him to shut up! Didn’t matter, though, he just kept at
it!

He doesn’t dote on me either, never has, don’t think he ever
will, but he will dote on just about any one else! I think this is one of the things that makes
me so upset! And like you, I’ve always
been an independent person, in fact, I handle all of our finances with never
any help! I’m not sure he would even
know how to begin to pay the first bill if something happens to me!

Formerteacherofk, although I’m still married, we have had no
physical contact for, oh, I really don’t know how long! And just the other day, because he has really
become detached and distant, I told him, I guess you think you can do as your
please since no one will want me now that I have cancer so you think I’m stuck
with you no matter how you act! It sucks
to feel like this, but at the moment, that’s exactly how I do feel, STUCK!!

I’m just at a point that I don’t know which way to turn,
counseling??? Who knows at this point,
but I do NOT want to lose my home! I
would rather work it out but I know that has to be two way street and he has
made no mention of leaving, it’s just his actions that say he is already gone!

Radical, there may be no common law in NY but case law has built up around these situations.  If it were me, I would have a talk with a lawyer to find out exactly where you stand with regard to all this debt.

Ok... you've convinced me! Lol Now, like everything else in life, I need to try to figure out where that will fit in with chemo... when it rains, it pours!

Blue,

You sound like you've taken life by the horns! Go you! I'm inspired!

I really hope what I'm about to say helps, not hurts.  I divorced my husband of 20 years four years ago.  Went through 1 major relationship of 2.5 years with someone with the DX of Multiple Sclerosis.  That ended rather harshly for a variety of reasons.  Then, back in Sept, I met "the man I'd been looking for."  We were PERFECT together.  We moved in together quickly - January of this and then....  blam.  DX of stage II infiltrating ductal carcinoma at our 6 month marker (June 30th, 2014).  It's now two weeks later and I am four days post mastectomy...  and I am looking at the back of my man's head as he plays an NBA game.  Don't get me wrong, we've had some rough patches through this last month, but so far, the positives FAR outweigh the rough patches.  Poor, poor man.  6 mnths, then this.  For all he knew, I might curl into a ball and refuse to come out.  I might give up.  I might fight every effort not to take care of myself.  Others in his life - a sister with a heart replacement - a mother with major chronic illness issues - that's what they did.  They became recluses.  I could've done the same thing - and I don't know that he could've lived with that, but he trusted the "me" he had come to know, and we are doing as well - better, really - than anyone would expect.  We have had to make a conscious effort to do all of this TOGETHER, so that both of us are taken care of physically and emotionally, but....  my point is - don't give up completely.  I'm not saying go on the active hunt for a partner or anything, but if someone falls in your lap and feels like they fit, don't dismiss them because of the sins of others.  I have the most amazing man because I trusted my gut.  And don't get me wrong - it will be a lifetime of work to keep it working, but any good relationship is, yes - regardless of cancer?   I really hope this makes sense and reminds you, maybe, that while there are not many worthy of your time and loyalty, but there ARE some...

It's been awhile since I have posted but wanted to check in and see how you guys are doing. 

Radical - how are things going post- BFF leaving? Financial situation more stable? You last post mentioned you are a co-signer on his car loan; I hope he is making payments because they will come after you if he doesn't. More importantly your house; is his name on it too?

You have so much on your plate.

Nettie - doing okay? We seem to have the similar traits in our DHs. I guess I'm paying the price for being so independent but gotta admit sometimes I'd like a role reversal but like your DH mine is clueless about our finances. My youngest son summed it up one time. He isn't worried about me making it on my own but doesn't think his dad can. He's smart enough but not interested enough. I have lectured him about it non-stop. Its all I can do. 

Diane 

defensive bit I dont care. Subtlety Laid out all the financial stuff -folders, passwords, etc. 

Oh boy - this thread has really touched a nerve in me.  

A month before my first dx 3 years ago, my hubby of 20 years dropped the D-bomb on me out of left field.  I was in shock.  Turns out he was having an affair with a woman 20 years his senior.  (I called her yoga-nanna).  She started to stalk me and the kids, he moved out part of the week to "find himself" (even our kids were rolling their eyes as they knew what that meant) and then - BAM - my dx (I think it was God's way of trying to slow him down).  When I had my first MRI, he was in the hallway on the phone to her.  It was devastating but I was in so much shock and alone I didn't know what to do.  I hoped it was a momentary "lapse in judgment".  Yoganana tried to convince him that our 4 kids would be fine with a divorce and that I would be fine since breast cancer isn't that bad.  Two months after my surgery he dumped her and moved back home.  We went to an amazing therapist and we had our "summer of love" (me - with new boobs).

Well - 3 months into our "summer of love" I found a text on his phone from a "friend".  Well - you can probably see where this is going.

Turns out that my husband is a sex addict.  He was molested by his mother as a child and has a granny fetish that has been going on for years (unbenowst to me).  He has been in recovery for 2 years now - attends 12 step meetings and is now sponsoring others.  We are slowly building trust and a new marriage back.  What I know is likely just the tip of the iceberg (he was supposed to do a formal disclosure with polygraph this summer - but my dx and his job loss has pushed that back).  

So - my recent dx has been such a trigger for me - reminding me of that horrible time 3 years ago.  The MRI angst, confused kids etc.  We went to see the movie "Begin Again" tonight (which has cheating in it) and that also really triggered me - he is very apologetic and I know he was sick - but it doesn't take away the grief of it all and the reminders.  I don't think there is anything worse than being sick and thrown such a curve ball all at the same time.  The good thing is that I could barely function during all of it so it was convenient to hide behind the cancer diagnosis 3 years ago - which was nothing compared to what I was facing in my marriage.

GunSinger - if your husband is into porn (which is an addiction) and if you want to save your marriage - then "tough love" as OP pointed out is the way to go.  Requirements of therapy, accountability groups, porn blockers, etc. are the way to go.

Thanks Radical - it was a rollercoaster ride from hell.......but I made it through it.  

I was reading your diagnosis and didn't understand why you got chemo until I got to the BRCA1 positive.  I'm so sorry!  I had the test done TWICE because they couldn't believe that I was negative - every single female on both sides had BC (found out overnight since I was adopted at birth and didn't have my medical history).  Then I went for the extended panel and that was negative, too.  But - the good news is that you know - and if you have children.....  Information is power.

Thank you lintroller (love the name). The reason for the chemo is the triple negative part.

Mom, not that it is comforting but there are other mutations that have not been isolated yet. You may not have any of the known mutations, but there is still so much to learn. I'm sure your DNA will be kept on file and used for that powerful information in the future incase they can find more mutations related to bc.

Ok Peggy... I'm younger at 36, but after my 10 yr relationship, I was so posses he left I started dating right away...while right after surgery anyway... I even went on dates while I was doing chemo and had no hair!

There were some really great guys out there. Many of them had sisters or mothers who had done the bc trial. I had a lot of fun and many of these guys went out of their way for me after just a few dates. I found the 40 plus guys to be very accepting of my challenges and very supportive.

In the long run, it was me who had trouble making any relationship serious. I'm not even done with treatment yet! Lol I feel like you do. There are too many friends and family members I'd rather be with right now that I just don't want to put the attention into a new person.

I know we're in different places, but I just wanted you to know those guys are out there and more plentiful than I expected!

I'm still in tears. Trying to hide it from my husband because he will ask me what is wrong. I don't really know what to say. It is not about us . We are great. My son's wife left him in January for another man. He was devastated. Two kids. Then she did all she could to keep them from him. Cost him 25,000 in lawyer fees. They now have joint custody. She wanted to move out of state with them. She wanted money. She didn't get any. He does preschool cost for one. And insurance  for both. All other cost for kids split. I was in the middle of it because he had to have supervised visits . She wouldn't let anyone put me do it. Even though I'm going through treatment. She made it really hard on him. She had a glamorous image of life after D and it didn't pan out.  I'm so relieved that it is over.  She was just horrible and we use to be really close. It was to me worse than breast  cancer.  I guess the crying  is because I have been so much on edge.  There is so much more to this than I will bore you with. 

I guess I figured this site was good to vent.