Asking for help when we don't "really'' need it

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fatherofthree
fatherofthree Member Posts: 2
edited July 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

My wife was dx'd stage IV 2 1/2 years ago, has been on chemo for close to a year. She's still able to work, but the meds are taking their toll -- she's lost a lot of weight, spends most of her time at home off her feet. She never complains but she's taking a lot more Percocet than she used to. I know I/we are luckier than a lot of people, and I can certainly cope with helping her and taking care of the two teenage boys still at home, but I am getting worn down, and I'm starting to worry about getting burned out before the truly hard stuff begins.

Asking for help has always been a hard thing for me, but I realize that sooner or later I'm going to have to do that. I guess here's the strange thing -- things aren't easy now, but I hope they go on like this for years, and part of me feels like I should wait to ask for help from friends or family till things are really much worse. Does that make sense? 

This is also complicated that neither of us has family that's close by, and that my wife's sisters have pretty much disappeared since the dx -- they just can't deal with it, not one little bit.

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  • Kite
    Kite Member Posts: 265
    edited May 2014

    Hello, 

    First let me say I am so sorry your family is dealing with this. My husband and I have 3 kids (little ones) and I just moved back to our home town from OK because of my diagnosis. He works in the oil field so he's gone all the time. I couldn't take care of the kids and be stage IV where there is no family or friends. This is my second go at this crap disease so I sorta know what's ahead of me. The people who are helping me know that I need it now and I'm gonna need it later. I hope your friends are the type of people who would help you no matter if you asked now or asked years down the road. My suggestion is this... You have reached out because you probably already need a little relief. Think about who you have to help you and what they might enjoy doing for you. Some people like to cook, do the grocery shopping, take the kids off your hands, etc. I've learned to see what my friends like to do and ask them to do that. For example I have a younger friend who loves to grocery shop so I sent her with my card, gave her a limit and she got it done. People really do want to feel helpful and reaching out might be hard but it really does everyone a lot of good. There is no shame in needing others. We have people we love in our lives for a reason. 

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  • wrenn
    wrenn Member Posts: 2,707
    edited May 2014

    I think since you are asking the question that you DO need it now. It might be a different kind of help than you will need later but it sounds like you could use some help. People actually like being asked to help. Sometimes they don't offer because they are not sure but I would take this opportunity to reach out to them and the discomfort of doing it might go away. Sorry you are in this position. I wish you well.

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  • mz_mes
    mz_mes Member Posts: 66
    edited May 2014

    Hi,

    From experience I can recommend the Lots of Helping Hands website. Though my situation is a bit different than yours it may be helpful to you.  A  family friend set one up for us after my son was Dx with brain cancer.   We were overwhelmed with people wanting to help and in order to stop people from calling and asking what they could do and us not knowing what to ask of whom.   The webpage my friend set up created a schedule and suggested things for folks to volunteer to do -- examples included a few things each week like bring dinner,   return library books. supervise kids, mow lawn, visit post office, etc.   My other kids were too young to stay alone so we had study club times where an adult was needed to supervise.   You may not need much help but having a few things posted will ensure that if and when you do really need a helping hand that someone is alerted to it and ready to pitch in.  I'll bet your teens could set up and manage the calendar for you and that the families of all their friends would be more than happy to help you guys.   Prepare to be amazed at how lovely your community is and how many people care for you and want to help.  It is hard to ask for help but it is a silver lining thru a very difficult time to have people around you willing to help you. 

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  • fatherofthree
    fatherofthree Member Posts: 2
    edited May 2014

    Thanks for the good advice -- I think you're right that if I'm wondering about getting help then I already know the answer! Will check out that website. Certainly helps to have structure. 

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  • StacyBrian
    StacyBrian Member Posts: 22
    edited July 2014

    I would say structure and organization are the MOST important part.  It would even be more helpful if there were someone you trusted to arrange the help FOR YOU.  You would have to agree to accept the help, whether or not you currently felt like you needed it.  I have a meal coordinator for my post-surgery period (stage IIa IDC) that I arranged for my wonderful boyfriend, even though he sort of scowled at me - he LOVES cooking AND he's really good at it.  But there is SO MUCH TO DO to keep a house running AND take care of a "sick" person that reserves of energy become that much more important.  Lucky for my boyfriend, I have been on his side, having lived with someone with the dx of multiple sclerosis for over 2 years.  The specific needs were different, but the overall context was the same.  Emotional exhaustion is STILL exhaustion and should be addressed, or it can and will take you down.  If you get taken down, who is there for your wife?  The problem for me was I tried to do the arranging of outside help, too. when I was the "support person" in the relationship - so I was helping him, helping myself, helping my kids, AND helping others help us!  TOO MUCH!  Find someone you can be brutally honest with, someone that you trust, and spill it all.  They will, most likely, better see where and when you need help than you are able to see yourself.  The difference it can make for your wife and you could be significant.  And you'll see the improvement in her that results from a lowering of YOUR stress.  Maybe that helps nudge you in the asking direction even more?

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  • Lee7
    Lee7 Member Posts: 657
    edited July 2014

    I just wanted to add something regarding your wife's sisters.  I would never have expected anyone in my immediate family to go running after my diagnosis and say they "weren't going to deal with it, period. " But it happened and I found myself asking what did I do wrong?    I've always been there for them.   I am just now coming around to realizing it wasn't me and I can't change them.  It's terribly sad to have that person or persons disappear but please don't let your wife think it's anything she's done wrong. 

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