Please don't ask tell me I need to meet "your friend who had BC"

I was fortunate that a friend put me in contact with two ladies.  One older that just finished much harsher treatment and one that has a different kind that's been very blessed.  I have had many reach out to me after learning of my diagnosis to offer support and a sort of heads up on what to possibly expect during treatment.  I hope to someday be able to pay it forward because it truly has helped me.  

What didn't help me were the comments from friends and family..

"oh just get them cut off"

"once they start cutting on you that stuff will spread like fire" 

"you're tough, you'll be fine"

"it's just stage 1" my thought was seriously its INVASIVE cancer.  

Anyhow, thanks for starting this.  I feel much better getting some of it out.  

I have also had so many "referrals" to people I do not even know that have had bc.  I may have been much more eager to pursue that avenue if I had not already found bco that gave me all the support and info I could ever possibly need.  I have run into situations where I have met someone who has heard about my bc and then discloses hers.  Those have been very special and sweet moments on the whole.  My DS's friend's mother has just been dx and I offered through my son to talk should she desire.  She spent hours talking with my son but never called me.  I totally respect that we all get the support we need from the sources that best meet our personal needs.

Blessings.  Your final statement is so true and helpful.  Have a line up your sleeve ready for when someone says something totally stupid and disrespectful.  They probably mean well, but that one liner may just help to educate them about the inappropriateness of their statement and will leave you feeling much better.  Nothing worse than thinking about the perfect reply an hour later!

Cceandme, I can absolutely, understand how you feel. 

Hi TB, good to see you, and Blessings, Hi! LAstar, Hi!

Sunshineinky, I had a few of those lines, thrown my way too, I knew there was no malice intended, just dumb. I just say "Aw gee, really! Thanks a lot for that!" they start to back pedal.

I have actually had a slightly different experience. When I was first thrown into all this, I had moved to a new area, more than 300km from the city I had lived for most of my life. I really didn't know anyone here, but I had been contacted by the Breast Care Nurse in this region, who urged me to go to a meeting of the Pink Ladies BC Group, in my small town. My instant reaction was negative, I remember saying to my Husband, "I haven't even had my surgery yet and I don't want BC, to become a hobby!"

I decided that I would attend the meeting, couldn't hurt, and I would hate to be thought a snob, for not going, after I had been invited.

I couldn't have been more wrong, with my initial reaction.

What a great group of women they are. The meetings are once a month and although we have all stages of BC, some with recurrence after many years, some newbies, some having treatment, we all support each other. The age range is from 40's to 80's. We go out to the Movies or to lunch occasionally. We have speakers at the meetings and now I am the contact person, for all the new members.

I was asked to speak about the group, which has grown to 17 members, from 10 when I started going 18 months ago, at the "Biggest Morning Tea", a fund raiser for Cancer Research, last week. When I finished speaking, I was approached by 3 women who didn't even know there was a group, in our little town and they have never had any real contact with anyone, who had been through the same experience as them. They are all coming to our next meeting, which is next week.

Don't think I am suggesting this kind of group involvement is right for everyone, just that this journey can have many unexpected twists and turns.

I never would have believed I'd still be here, on this Forum, this far down the road. I have made such great friends here and because I am a shopping addict, I have been able to share what I have discovered about clothing and bras which suit the changes in our bodies, along with information about the Boobs, Foobs and Prosthesis that I have found.

This is a great place to find support and advice from people who do genuinely understand and empathize.

I've learned to let go of what people say.  They're well intended but don't understand.  If there is a person out there with the exact same cancer and circumstances as my own I want to talk with her.  Unfortunately, BC is so complex and we're all different.  It's a lonely experience.  Thank goodness for the women on here!

I agree that most people are truly well-intentioned when making these offers.  I for one never knew a single soul with BC until after I was dx. It was very helpful for me to connect with others and learn about their experiences so I'd like to suggest that blowing them off isn't always the best either. For me it's been a blessing.

Great link, Sinsin. Thank you!

I think other women do not know what to say and sometimes it does not come out right.  I agree that these comments are hurtful but I think they are trying.  How about "it's only hair."  That one bites.

Hi folks- checking out some new threads and found this and it struck a chord on both sides of this coin. I am a couple years out since diagnosis and heard all kinds of unhelpful things from the limited few I told when I first got diagnosed. I kept my info very private because of professional reasons (self employed consultant).  But those that I did tell told me stories of people they knew or had known with BC, and one person did provide a name for me to call (someone who was an MD, close to my situation and knew someone who had the same type of internal rads treatment). 

Whether you share your diagnosis with a few or with many, dealing with other people's reactions, comments, recommendations, and suggestions is some of the hardest part of this process. Knowing what helps you or not is probably the most key thing to figure out and with everything else going on, hard to do too. I had to say to a few "thanks but that is not helpful to me right now" during my whole journey. Be ready to tell them what you do need like "can you give me a ride, check in on my family while I am in the hospital, etc." Instead of them deciding for you what you need, throw out some things that would help to make your day a little easier.

And sinsin put out a wonderful link that I think will be helpful to many here. I have used that circle of friends thing for years, and when I got diagnosed, I put a few in that inner circle and the rest went to the outside due to my need for privacy. I love the concept of "comfort in, dump out." 

Down the road now, I am on the other side of the coin. I am the one people think of when they hear someone they know is diagnosed. I have had to listen to a few people talk about others they know that that have BC and they commentary about it. I usually just say I hope they receive good care and are fine. I suggest this site to them to share with people. I decided if closer friends or people I know find themselves in this place, I will decide that on a case by case basis if I want to talk to anyone, given my need for professional privacy around my health.  

For those just diagnosed or going through treatment, this is about you and wishing you strength and healing through your journey.

oh yes. That is my fav too. Don't worry it will grow back. What these individuals do not realize is how awkward and diffcult it is to be without hair. I hate it. I have purchased fun hats and caps etc and make sure that I always look good but I just hate the fact that I have no hair. Ppl should think about themselves without hair. I really think that they would think twice. Hair is part of who we are. Of course it will grow back  and look wonderful. But that's not the point. Anyway.....it's part of the process. 

thanks Jazzy Girl. Your post was very interesting and true. The comment I love the best is how it definitely does change your relationship with friends and family and how important it is to stick with a new stream of supporters. Optimistic supports. You are so right. 

I have a very good girlfriend who is a nurse. Her questions are all very superficial. Then she proceeds to tell me how wonderful her life is and her upcoming trip to the Bahamas. Two hours on the phone. All about her!!  Happened twice in two weeks. She got me on a really bad day the last time and I was very upset when I got off the phone. That will be the last time!!  She is single and has always been very selfish. But I just can't handle it at this time. I will heed your advice and try to stay away. This is not what I need at the moment. Thanks for letting me know it's all right. 

Chrissy