Depression after nipple removal

I'm so sorry you're dealing with that, Pat. All I can say is that it is a grieving process and I think you need to give yourself time. I had a UMX in February and I'm still appalled by the fact that my nipple is either sitting somewhere in a lab, or thrown out as medical waste. Then there's the view, everytime I look down at my chest. It is traumatizing. I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you. Just a hug. {{Hug}}

Kelly

Hi boy can I empathize. I had my nipple sparing mx last month, and the nipple looked deep purple immediately after surgery. 2 weeks later it was apparent that the nipple didnt survive (turned black, dry) and seroma had set in as the drains were out.  So BS abruptly had me back in the OR and removed the NAC. 

It broke my heart. In my mind, I was coping with the MX thinking, "its still all you on the outside, just different stuffing. " After losing the nipple, I slipped into a depression-grief laden, sorrow filled crying jags. Body image sadness and loss. 

Now Im almost 3 weeks out from that 2nd surgery. Working on the depression, which is slowly getting better. Still crying, but less. Havent felt this much loss since my Grandmother died. Glad I found this topic, I really need it 

I understand .  I had my BMX and Diep June 10, and they were not able to keep my nipples.  That bothers me a lot as well.  I'm keeping it in a lot, but it is weird, and that causes me grief, I think even more then the BMX.   For me, without nipples, they don't look like breasts to me, and it just then reminds me of all of this.  I'm hoping that  with the nipple reconstruction will help with that feeling.  Also, I breastfed all my children for an extended time, and knowing that what I fed my children with as infants is gone, bothers me.  Even though all the milk producing equipment on the inside is removed, the nipple externally gone, seems to be a reminder, that part of my life as a woman is over.  I don't think I'll have more kids (divorced, 41, have 5  already), but it does make me sad, that that will not be an option, if I do.  Our breasts are such a part of our femininity, I think, so it makes total sense to me, that no nipples would be bothersome.  It is a big flashing reminder everytime I get changed, shower, etc.  

Hope you feel better soon.

The New York Times produced a segment on Vinnie and you can pull it up.  He actually does a breast cancer patient in the Video.  Maybe looking and seeing how you can look, will help. You don't have to have nipple reconstruction.  He does a 3-D tattoo also without nip surgery,  and from what I've seen, you cannot tell the difference unless you touch the tattoo up close....hope this helps.

I know how you feel Pat.  I was so anxious to have my bilateral mastectomies over with, and I knew would be hard, but I had no idea just not how hard.  I feel like an alien. I am 51 years old and my husband is 10 years younger. He is very supportive but I don't think I will ever feel good about letting him see them until I have nipple reconstruction. Hang in there Pat. 

I did not have nipple sparing and to fill the gap until I got my Vinnie's I tried temporary nipple tattoos from www.breasthealing.com/about-rub-on-nipples/

They look ok and are kind of fun. They last a couple weeks if you are careful. The day they arrived DH announced, "Dear, your nipples just came in the mail."

FarmerLucy thanks for the web link, just ordered me some nipples! cannot wait to get them in the mail.

Homemom, Vinnie is considered to be a master tattoo artist who has made a special devotion to nipple tattooing, he is and expert at 3D nipples. I am sure there are many tattoo artists who are excellent, we have someone in my hometown who does great work too, Vinnie is just considered the Rembrandt!

I am so sorry PatR. I had NSM, never planned to but ended up giving it a go. Though I had been prepared not to have them, once I kept them I would have been pretty upset if they had not survived, and I would be upset if I had to lose them now. They are far from impressive as far as nipples go (and weren't before surgery either) but they are mine and I think having them really never had me feeling like my reconstructed breasts weren't mine...it made the acceptance, well, quite easy . So, I have not lost my nipples, but I can understand why you feel as you do. Of course the important part is that you are alive and they have removed the abnormal cells they found, but that does not mean you cannot mourn the physical losses and scars that come with that. It does not mean that loss is not very real for you.

Vinnie does do great work, but there is no rush. Maybe you need time to heal, grieve, and decide what is right for you. Heck, maybe you will decide you do want tattoos....just not ones that look like nipples to remind you of what was removed (I have seen some GORGEOUS flowers and such done over mastectomy scars where nipples would normally be). You have so many options, from nipple recon, to 3D tats, to stick ons, to nothing at all.

UCFmom - I go to Dr. Cicilioni on N. Orange. I wish I had gone to him when I had my first set of implants back on 04'. He is fantastic. Did you not have any Chemo? I have to go to hell and back before I get that appointment. I have my last A/C chemo treatment on Friday and then go through 4 rounds of Taxol followed by 6.5 weeks of rads. THEN I wait about 3-4 months before I have the recon surgery.  By next spring I should somewhat resemble my old self.

My docs must be chemo happy. I was told initially that I would have had to have chemo if my receptors were negative (this was before my lumpectomy).  By the way, my son graduated from UCF two years ago...so I'm a UCF mom too 

My second one started at Valencia and partied too much. Now he is trying to figure out what to do. Joy of joys. 

Road trip to N'awlins! We used to live in Baton Rouge the first four years we were married. Make sure you go to Cafe' Du Monde for cafe' au lait and beignets!

I really get that Pat, I had a uni mx which I really, really regret being talked into in 2012. I hated having no breast for years, because of numerous setbacks. Now I have an OVER pectoral Anatomic Implant, a little too small to match my real right breast. Looks ok in clothes. I got a Vinnie Myers 3D tattoo last June in Southern CA. He tattoed my remaining nipple, so it matched my 3D nipple. That really hurt, even with numbing cream. But despite that, it is an excellent match, looks pretty close to real. I hate the numbness of my left breast. I hated that they had the breast I fed my babies with rotting in a drawer. I finally couldn't take it and made them send it to burn with the biohazardous waste. The researcher was an asshole, and made a joke about it, said they would send my nipple to the landfill. Hope she gets chopped up, then she can see how funny this all is.

Pat - I'm so sorry. It's hard to describe how attached we are to our bodies. I was able to save my nipples, but the cancer side was a mess after surgery. And so was I.

It's normal to feel the way you're feeling. You have both the recurrence and the surgery to deal with. Give yourself time and space to grieve.

And remember - don't second guess the choices you make. We all make the best choices we can at the time with the information we have.

chaffinch, I think talking to a therapist really can help. (for full disclosure, I am a therapist) After my diagnosis, I started going back to a therapist I had worked with previously and found it really helpful to just be able to process my feelings without trying to protect anyone from them. I was 38 and still single when I had my umx, so I did grieve and worry about my future intimate experiences. It's possible that your treatment center has recommendations for therapists that have experience with women in ca treatment. Please pm me if I can help! ((hugs))