Starting Chemo in December 2013

Here is a picture of my garden. It is starting to look a little sad with this July heat. But I'm still getting tomatoes. 

I planted sunflower seeds. Have so enjoyed fresh cut sunflowers. These were the giant ones. The one in the picture is at least 7-8 feet tall.  

Great life lesson - I planted seeds from the same seed packet. Half in full sun and half in partial shade. The ones in full sun are the ones that got so big (you only see the tallest one in the picture because I cut the others to put in a vases). The ones in partial shade only grew to 4 or 5 feet. They also took longer to grow. Interesting that both bloomed but the ones that had the more ideal settings were the ones that did the best. :0) That for some reason reminds me of life. 

holli, Michelle, Jodi, keepthefaith, mikesgirl, barb, robin, Kim, kimmie, oranje and everyone else, I think we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing; thinking, processing, wondering, worrying; feeling anxious, feeling joyous, feeling confused, feeling anger, feeling scared, feeling powerful, feeling weak; hating life, loving life. Just feel what we are feeling at this moment, just being present as they say. We will all get "there" in our own way. Holli, Your flower analogy and picture was beautiful, that sunflower reaching up the the sun and sky...that's what I'm going to picture tomorrow during my radiation, blooming, reaching, growing strong with the strength of the sun and some nurturing. I can't believe how philosophical I've become...(this shit does that to us!) It's so cool to see us together in the pictures, let's add the rest of us, Michelle, it too makes me smile. Like you are my long lost "sisters". My god we are so perfect, this is it, this is real, I will hold you all so dear in my heart forever

Well said sisters!    I got into a dark mood at the end of chemo and at the end of rads.    This wait and see crap that the doctors tell us after treatment,  just down right pisses me off.    We are fighters!    That's where digging into the whole mind, body & spirit approach is really helping me cope and process all this.   I feel like it is giving me something that I can control.  There was a website mentioned in class last week.   www.blochcancer.org.  It was started by Richard Bloch, who started H&R Block.  He was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer back in 1978, he was told he had 3 mos to live.  He ended up becoming cancer free and died in 2004 of heart issues.  His letter to the newly diagnosed is motivating.  I have been too busy to look at everything else on his website, but it seems to have a ton of info. I wish I would have known about this back in Sept. 

Kim

reading and article and thought I would pass along if anyone likes running or is thinking of running.  The article states that breast cancer patients who run lower their mortality chances by 40.9% and walking lowers it by 5%.  I guess anything that they found to lower is good, but I guess I need some running shoes for the fall.  I hate running, but so many people say once you start you enjoy it.  Who knows- maybe I'll run on of those races soon.  Heck if it really lowers by 40% I'll do it.  Of course, I am going to ask my doctor about this lol!  Can't believe everything you read:). Just thought some of y'all might want to look into it, or maybe some of you are runners already!

thank you Kim, Jodi, Jbokland, and the rest of you wonderful ladies for all of your insights. I love how we are all so diverse and yet share such a common thread that, like others have said, we are sisters in this. 

Thanks for sharing your feelings, December Ladies!!! It's so comforting to know I am not alone with my fears. I thank God every day that I had such an easy time with chemo and surgery (not so much with the drains!), but I have to work hard not to dwell on the "what if it comes back". I never had the Oncotype DX because my MO said given my tumor characteristics and my age, chemo was a given. But I did ask about my recurrence chances, and he said about 10%. So I asked about my prognosis, and he said, "excellent." That percentage seems low until you consider what our chances of getting this crap in the first place were!

I just got back from a beach vacation, and I had to make myself stop thinking what if this is the last vacation with my family. I don't want to think that way, but those thoughts do creep in sometimes. But, I think jbokland is right, we don't think about someone opening fire in the mall or being in an accident. With my shopping habits and my accident record, one of those two events may just get me instead! And I'm definitely not going to quit shopping!

Anyway, thanks for sharing. Hope you guys have an AWESOME week!

Keep smilin', keep shinin'...

I'm reading along and really appreciate all of the comments.  It's such a slog. Right now, SEs are minor but the sheer inconvenience of having to spend 2 hrs of every workday on rads has gotten so old.  I don't notice the fatigue during the day but like someone else said, I am wiped out at night and need more sleep.  So the things I was supposedly going to catch up on at night (because I spend 2 hrs of my day on rads) just never happen.  In theory, everyone (work, home, kids, etc) understands that I can't do everything like normal during this period, but in practice . . .

Anyway, I like to think of the percentages the other way around.  Not a 10% chance of this @#%&! returning but the 90% chance that it won't!

Oranje mama - Yep, better to look at it as 90% it won't return!  Thanks for the reminder!!!

Holy Shit is RIGHT!  Congrats Michelle!!

This is my story..............

I've heard it said that a persons life is like a series of books and that each new book continues on where the other has left off. One must read from the beginning to fully understand the story. My life has been a long series of new books, some of the books have been full of joy; some of the books have left me in tears. Some have made me laugh, some have been suspenseful, and some have probably been pretty boring to a lot of people. But, each book is my life. 

his last book has been the hardest to write, I never thought I would be finding myself in the pages that shared the word Cancer. Sure, cancer has been in my life over and over again.....but this time, I was the main character. This new book started on October 22nd at approximately 2:00 in the afternoon, this is the day and time my world changed as I once knew it. "I'm sorry to tell you Ms. Schmidt that the results came back as both DCIS and Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC)" said a Doctor I had never heard of on the other end of the phone. "You will need to contact the Cancer Center right away and we will have everything sent over to them." Getting this type of information while alone is something nobody should ever have to go through. I didn't know what to do, so called my Aunt Bonnie and she was there within minutes. I'm pretty sure I cried, but mostly was in shock. My daughter got home shortly after that.....how the hell was I supposed to tell her that I have cancer? Somehow I found the courage and she along with Tommy became my strength. I knew at that point in time, that I would do everything within my power to always be here for my children. My inner strength formed at that moment in time. The fight was now on.

The next couple of weeks were a whirlwind of appointments, Google searches, phone calls and tears. There was some comedy thrown in as well. You can't get through life without laughter no matter what it throws at you! Bonnie and I made our first initial trip to the Mayo Clinic about a week after I was diagnosed. We found ourselves in this medical wonderland. I felt out of place....what the hell was I doing there among all those sick people? Oh wait, I'm one of those sick people now as well. I thank God every day for Bonnie being there with me. She understood the terminology that was being thrown at me, she was my note taker so when i walked out of each appointment and wondered what the heck was just said she had it all written down. She knew what questions to ask and when to be silent and just let me talk, or just let me cry. She was my sister, my aunt, my mother, at times, my significant other, and my best friend.

The next visit to Mayo was shortly after the first, and shockingly I was told I would be having surgery 2 days later. Looking back now I feel its a good thing that everything happened so fast as it gave me much less time to have to "think". So on November 7th at 5:45am Bonnie, Denae and I headed to Methodist Hospital for surgery to remove my left breast. From all the tests that had been previously done, they felt there wasn't any lymph node involvement so in all honesty, I wasn't that worried or scared. In my mind we just go in, remove the breast that has cancer and that's it, we will be all done! Well, nothing can ever be that easy and it was found that I had a 7cm area of cancer with it being about half DCIS and half IDC and there were also 12 of 30 lymph nodes involved so it had spread. This changed everything.....now chemo was in my very near future as well as radiation.

On December 5th I had a port put into my chest and on December 8th I started my first round of chemotherapy out of sixteen total. The first four were brutal and called AC. The next 12 were weekly and called Taxol. Thankfully those were much easier on me but I still was struggling with my horrible side effect of the AC which required emergency surgery on February 5th. Not a great thing to have surgery while on chemo....ones body just doesn't want to heal like it normally would.

A lot of the chapters during this time are very repetitive.....but there were some amazing blessings that filled the pages. One of those blessings was this incredible thing called a Food Train. When i was at my very lowest point and reached out for some help, help came to me in a way I would have never dreamed of. I woke up the next morning to find out that I had meals being delivered daily for the next almost 2 months! It was my saving grace....it provided me nourishment when i could barely get off the couch. It was one less thing I had to worry about. I can't begin to ever thank all of you who brought meals and did so much for me and Kelli during this time. Words aren't big enough. But you all were supporting characters that helped this main character to survive. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Chemo ended on April 21st.....I've never in my life been so glad to see that chapter come to an end. After a much needed trip away to Punta Cana I started what I will call the last chapter in this book. The Radiation chapter has been pretty uneventful. Sure, i'm tired, my body is wore out, my joints hurt, my ass still is an ongoing problem, my skin is red and painful from the burning of the radiation.....but you know what? I made it. I MADE IT! Today marks the end of my treatments. Today I guess I get to say I'm a cancer survivor. I know that my story will be continued, but i hope and pray there will be no more books with cancer in them. This is the scariest part for me........the what ifs.....I wonder when I will ever stop worrying about it coming back. So, this story of my life is far from over, but for now.....for today .......I get to say.....

The End.

Acknowledgments and Thanks for helping with this last book in the story of my life go out to:
Thomas and Kelli Schmidt......thank you both for being so amazing and I am so proud to be your mom.
Mom and Ralph. I love you both and thank you.
Bonnie.......I will never be able to thank you enough for being by my side.
Denae....Rita....Noreen.....My best friends who have been there every step of the way.
Erika Michele...........my other daughter....Auntie loves you so much.
Kevin.....thank you for your phone calls to check up on me and your support....love you big brother!
Steph.....My cousin and my rock.
Elaine......My aunt and my other rock.
Dolores and Brian.....My Texas family....I thank you for being there for me.
John........I love you......and I thank you.
All the food train women........words are not enough, but this is all i have.. Thank you.
My girlfriends.........my girls.........my circle that completes me....you know who you all are. I Love You All!!!
Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota and Trinity Cancer Care in Minot, ND. You saved my life.
And to all the people who left messages of support, texts filled with love, hugs when i needed to be uplifted, shoulders when i needed to cry.....there are just too many to list.........I thank you.

Michelle, Congrats on finishing rads. Thanks for sharing your amazing story! 

Kim, thanks for sharing the poem. Love it!

Barbara, I hope your hubby gets feeling better and you can find a way to deal with your stress. Rant away!

Holli, love the photos and your analogy!

Hang in there rads ladies....your time is coming! I hope those of you with SE's are getting some relief.

I never asked my MO about my odds...I am going to do what I can to increase them...what else can we do? Can't run, due to a knee injury and osteoporosis, but I applaud you all that are going for it. I have been diligently walking. So far, no weight gain on Tamoxifen and hopefully will lose something before my next MO appt in a couple months. 

I have decided it's time to start re-furnishing  my home...out with the old, in with the older! I think it's my way of starting over in several parts of my life. My old furniture has a lot of good memories, but the memories will always be there...from raising my kids, family dinners, holidays, etc.  It's time to move on and I love antiques...so, if I happen by a piece of furniture that I love and it means getting rid of what I have, I am ready to do it! I feel the need to put BC, divorce, etc behind me and I guess this is something I can visibly see as a positive and welcome change....even though it's a material thing, it will bring me joy. 

Have a great week ladies!

beautiful Michelle as I commented on fb and you look fabulous! Nice idea with the book and your "story" was perfect, heartfelt and an amazing testament to the amazing woman that you are. It's so therapeutic to put it into writing and you did a great job.

Keepthefaith, great job with the walking. That's what my doctors always say..."are you walking?" So it's the perfect workout. Running is hard on the joints, I only do it for this race. And like barb said redecorate away! We all find our own path towards recovery and they are all the right ways for each of us.

Southern bling, great running! Thanks for the FUBU, FUBC connection and idea

You all are wonderful ladies

Michelle - congrats on reaching the end! Your post is just beautiful!

Jody, funny your remark about HAs I was thinking a similar thing, in about 6-8 months start complaining about my cough and chest pain, then maybe a PET scan or at least a CT of the chest.  But unfortunately that only works one time.  I hate admit but I am probably also a 3c since my internal mammary LNs were enlarged on the last  MRI. 

Michelle - Congratulations on finishing rads and I was touched by your story.

Keepthefaith - I am walking.... I tried jogging for a few days and my back hurt for a couple of weeks.  I think that I need to wait until my boobs are balanced.... hopefully after the reduction.  I am taking the Tamoxifen too, haven't had weight gain issues.  How is your sleep?  Mine is still pretty bad, I changed from taking it in the Eve to the morning, hoping this will help.   Have fun decorating.

Jodi & Barbara - I am stage III as well.  I think that I am going to seek a second opinion re a PET Scan.  We should not have to feel like we are whining to our docs to get a scan to make sure that the chemo and rads worked.  I discussed the tumor marker blood test when I was finished with Rads, but my MO felt that it was too soon and could give me a false positive.  I think that she will be giving me one in Sept.  

Any mention from your MO's re tumor marker tests?

Kim