So tired of it all....

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Kayce234
Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I'm so done and tired and starting to get physically ill from all the drama in my "family".  I have always come here to talk about my feelings and difficulties dealing with cancer and with my family - I talk to all of you about all of the things I can't or won't talk about with the people around me.  My "sister" and her daughter have since I found this board searched out my posts on a regular basis and used them against me and made them public to my family.  They feel like this is a public website and they have the right to come here and read my posts.  I've told them this site is for people like me with cancer and not for them to come and intrude - yet they compare it to facebook and twitter.  I know I could change my profile name or not post but I feel like why should I have to change who I am or why should I loose the support I need becasue they can't stop searching out my posts.  I've told them to stop but they won't.

Recently she took to sending me an email about my post about her shaving her head for cancer when she and her family treated me so badly when I was diagnosed.  She cc'd my mother, other sister and brother begging them to "help" me and my crazy.  This in turn set me off and I replied with many not nice things to say - which then set my brother off who is a bit of a whack job anyway and he emailed not nice things about myself and our deceased father who was my best friend - so of course I then responded. I"ve stopped responding and regret that I responded in the first place. 

I'm at the point where I'm now exhausted and starting to get sick from all of this craziness.  I have more than once ask her to leave me alone, that I want nothing to do with her or her family.  But I live with my mother who feels the need to talk about all my siblings - although this sister has written my mother off and basically has nothing to do with her.  I've let my mother talk about them and just nod my head like I care but recently I had my husband ask her not to do it any longer as it just stresses me out.  She stopped for a while but now she's talking about my brother who to be honest I don't want anything to do with any of them.

I've tried to get my husband to understand and to go and remind her when she does it but he just doesn't seem to get it, it doesn't bother him so he doesn't get why I let it bother me when I call him out on it and ask him to do soemthing he gets mad at me for pointing out his flaw.  I'm starting to feel naseaus every day, I'm exhausted no matter how much I sleep and I'm having horrible headaches.  I'm afraid all this stress is going to make my cancer come back.  What can I do to make this all stop?

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Comments

  • jenjenl
    jenjenl Member Posts: 948
    edited June 2014

    Doesn't sound like fun at all and so hurtful.  Family drama is the worst!

    You said you live with your mother - does that mean you and your hubby live in her house or she lives in your house?  Is there a reason for this arrangement? 

    The path of least resistance would be to not live together so you don't have to be in that situation.  In regards to your siblings - just keep ignoring them and after many months it will stop.  I guess just be prepared to not be close to your family.  Don't engage no matter how frustrating it is.  I would also change your screen name, sure you shouldn't but again path of least reistance.  I'm not sure if the mods can do anything to support this situation. 

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  • Nel138281
    Nel138281 Member Posts: 2,124
    edited June 2014


    I know you don't want to  - but change your name and do not share it with anyone!   You can't do anything to change them, but you can do that for yourself

    Nel

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited June 2014

    I agree with changing your screen name. Even though you shouldn't  have to, that's just the reality of it. Although this is far from FB, it is, in fact, public. There is nothing to stop anyone from reading your posts, or even becoming a member. Wishing you the best and don't engage in the battle!

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited June 2014

    thanks everyone - I think I'm going to have to give in and change my name - how do I go about doing that?  Do I need to re-register?

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  • Lily55
    Lily55 Member Posts: 3,534
    edited June 2014

    i would send a pm to the Moderators and if your sister reads this then she should be ashamed of herself, what a total self obsessed b****h 

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited June 2014


    Well I changed my user name - I just registered all over again, I was afraid if I just had my name changed she might still be able to find me based on old posts that would have the new name attached?  Thought this was the safest way.....  Although I'm not sure it's going to work, I think she'll just continue to lurk and look for posts that look like theya re about her...

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited June 2014


    Jen - when my dad passed 4 yrs ago we sold our condo and my mom sold her house and we bought a house with an inlaw house attached.  It's the best arrangment for my mom- or should I say it's what she wanted.  Since I met my husband I've said when one of my parents died the other would most likely be living with us.  She's very happy with us and we are so happy to have her with us - the boys love it, she's part of our theatre group and friend group and even goes on vacation with us.  My other sibs don't have much to do with her and really didn't after my father died either - my brother is in Georgia but calls her all the time.

    Jen...many to add this has been going on for 3 years!!!!  We've thought of selling but we love my mom.

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  • jenjenl
    jenjenl Member Posts: 948
    edited June 2014

    i can understand, you're  a good daughter.  I hope all works out and your stress reduces!!

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  • SmartassSmurf
    SmartassSmurf Member Posts: 157
    edited June 2014

    You story is heartbreaking. The last thing you need while going through all of your own very real fight for your life is family drama. I am sorry you are dealing with her issues.

    Keep your chin up & try to get through. I think starting a new you on here is probably a good idea, you deserve your privacy while getting support. 

    I am fluent in the language of sister family drama...I have five sisters. One of which I do my best to avoid. She could not even bring herself to say God luck/sorry/it sucks you have cancer/ etc. When we were at a family graduation. I am lucky I can avoid her most of the time.

    Good luck.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2014


    I had a similar situation about communication patterns. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, complete with the triangular communication and lack of respect for boundaries. I have spent my entire adult life off and on the couch. I was the parent to my parents.

    My sister is an alcoholic and mentally ill, and is married to her third alcoholic husband. We were never close. She left home at 19 for the Air Force. Yet, I still caught the backlash of what she did, and more often, did not do. I do not do SM. FB actually caused WWIII in my gene pool.

    My mother has a lot of issues of her own,  and never could not keep anything personal, or at least spread the info correctly, despite constantly being told not to. She is not going to stop. Save your breath. Don't bang your head against the wall anymore.

    My mother ignored my cancer and me. At one point, I had to live with her for 15 months and that's when I got to the point I was shopping for a gun (for me). If it is in any way possible, don't live with her. If she is living with you, find a sibling and tell them it's their turn to take care of mom. Is there a social worker or someone that can help you with this? You don't need this now.

    If you are stuck, put locks on your doors and avoid her like the plague. If you share a common kitchen, let your husband prepare meals. Keep a small refrig in your area for snacks. Leave the room if she comes.

    Since you have siblings, it will be harder to break the channels of communication. Can you trust any of them with personal info? Can you identify if they are part of the leaks? It is very hard to live with someone and have privacy, even if you do not tell them anything. The stress can be overwhelming. Hopefully, you have your husband in your corner.

    I officially put my mother out of my life two weeks ago, although in my mind, she has been dead to me much longer.

    I hope you can find some peace and privacy. You are fighting for your life and even if they are 'family', they are not worth it.

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