The "Be Positive" myth

Musical,

                    I understand what you are saying ...I guess I misunderstood what you meant by: "be positive myth.'. .I do get your point. 

It seems I spend a lot of time reading these discussion boards to learn, get ideas, etc. I guess I didn't realize till reading this thread how angry I really am. My husband was dx with Stage III BC last Feb. We both after the shock tried to 'be positive' that things were going to be all right. Watching him go thru the surgery and the first part of chemo was hard enough. Now I can only hope that we can even get to the next stage of weekly Taxol started cause as right now everything is on hold. After the last AC tx he just felt worse and worse. Some kind of infection-found out it is on his aortic valve-endocarditis. Here I was trying to handle the fear of losing him to BC in the future only to think I was going to lose him right now to a heart infection. Means they had to pull out the mediport (not sure if that caused the infection) and put in a PICC and now 6 weeks of IV abx, 4 times a day, which I am doing at home. Oh, and he got a blood clot in his arm so I give him shots twice a day for that. I know I am not the one going through it like you all are. But I can't help but just wish we could get a break here. All of this seems so unfair. For all of you as well as for him. Sorry for my rant, but for my husband I do need to put on a positive face. Not phony, but just positive that whatever happens we will do this together.

NativeMainer- thanks for the kind words. Guess I just couldn't help myself last night and needed to get it out. I see very few men on these forums. Maybe because it is so rare in men. Maybe women find it easier and more helpful to talk and share. I know as I have read through the monthly forums that have started since March and I see more and more people join I become very sad at how many lives BC affects. I guess I should be glad that all of the info on reconstructive surgeries, etc, we don't have to deal with. You are absolutely right about it being a roller coaster-the ups and the downs get wild. I try to focus and take heart at the many of you that made it through and can hope that my husband will be one of them.

Well I sure am not about to give up hope but yes, sometimes I just get pissed off about how unfair this seems. My husband is not one to 'enjoy' being on the computer but many times I have passed on info, other peoples experiences, etc and I think it helps. It helps me I know. We moved out west several years ago and are not what you would call real social so we know very few people. The few we do know and are aware of the situation and try to be kind when they say "I'm sure you'll get through this just fine". Hell, I'm not 'sure' we will get through this, and right now we are far from fine. One day at a time, feel good about small progress and try not to freak out about the other stuff.  There's no right or wrong way to get through this, maybe it's a matter of luck, I'm not sure. Time to go find some 4 leaf clovers. Maybe I can find enough for all of us.

I can't say that my husband or I have ever gotten the stay positive you are lucky he got BC, but sure have heard a few times to "feel positive, he's a strong man, this will be easier for him".  The other one that makes me crazy is the 'friends' that have told me "This time next year you won't even remember this. He'll be fine". Yeah, right. Like I don't have permanently etched in my memory all the nights I was at the hospital when his temp spiked over 104 and I helped put him on a cooling pad and used ice. He's starting to feel better but I will be holding my breath till we get the OK to resume chemo. I believe we can do this but I won't ever forget how this has been and in many ways things will never be the same. But don't misunderstand me- I think things can be wonderful again and he will get back to being able to do the things he loves.

It's O.K. to BE POSITIVE.

I don't think being positive or negative in thought will affect my outcome one way or the other.  

People have commented, "You are going to be o.k.  You are so positive."  I tell them that's a crock.  It doesn't work like that.

On the other hand, when I talk with my best friend (Stage IV,) I don't tell her to "stay positive" but I always take the positive, hopeful approach when I talk about her outcome.  Sometimes, we do have some realistic comments about her leaving her family behind.  It is hard for me to stay on that too long.  It hurts.  It is not too long before I go "positive" again, by default.  It is not that I think that her having a positive attitude will change anything, but we both just think it will be a happier life (however long is left of it) if the positivity is nurtured and the negativity is limited.  In other words, it's fine to be positive if you just think it is more fun than being negative.

So, I am not at all in disagreement about the "myth" assertation.  I have written as much in earlier posts also.  Today, I am just saying that as long as the stupid myth is not involved, being positive is not a bad thing.

Elimar, good post!  My motto is that you have to "make happy".  It is very often a choice.  But like others, I don't let anyone think that having a positive attitude is going to be a game changer with my cancer, nor is the fact that I am a "strong" person.    The only game changer in cancer is being well-informed, having great doctors, being compliant to your treatment and just a lot of good luck!  If you are a happy, positive person along the way, then you will probably just be more fun to be around. (And less scary!)  LOL

MsP

MsP-Well said!  I couldn't agree more with "The only game changer in cancer is being well-informed, having great doctors, being compliant to your treatment and just a lot of good luck!  If you are a happy, positive person along the way, then you will probably just be more fun to be around. (And less scary!)"

Elimar-Also well said and I couldn't agree more with "the mental battle can go on longer and rob you of QOL just the same.  I'll be darn if I let cancer take that over too."

I was only diagnosed 4 1/2 weeks ago and had a lumpectomy 3 weeks ago.  I've been a lot of things during the last 4 1/2 weeks, terrified, sad, angry,  lost, confused, dazed....you guys know what I'm talking about.  I already feel like this beast has taken more from me than I'm willing to lose.  I don't think I'm "brave, courageous or strong" as I've been repeatedly told.  I'm simply dealing with this every day with every ounce of hope I can muster.  I will not let this beast consume me.

My long time favorite quote from Carl Sandburgs poem he wrote about Jonah and the whale:

"If I should pass the tomb of Jonah

I would stop there and sit for awhile

Because I was swallowed one time in the dark

And came out alive after all."

I meet my MO and RO on Friday and we'll start to plan the demise of this beast.  I know I have a lot ahead of me, and not all of the days so far have been good ones, but today I have a warrior spirit.

Wow. Lots of thoughts I can identify with. 

Purple Iris57-thumbs up for the quote. Been in the dark places a lot lately and still feel we are trying to get out. The emotional roller coaster ride that happens after the dx -you just can't adequately explain it to anyone who has never been on that ride. Wishing you much good thoughts as you start this journey. One of the hardest things was learning how to be flexible. My husband's tx plan has needed to be changed d/t SE's and when you focus on an ending date and then it changes (and right now we are still on hold for chemo) it was a real blow. I want this evil thing gone. 

MsPharoah-very much agree about the luck. Also agree about choosing good Drs who will work with you on the best treatment plan. We needed to go out of state to even find any Drs that have treated male BC. (the surgeon in our home town said 'well it's treated the same in a man as in women'. Well that may be true but we wanted a surgeon that had actually operated on men. I wouldn't have picked a BS that told me 'well I've only operated on men but it's the same.) I still feel very good about the tx plan. There's been a lot going on the discussion boards lately about alternative meds and the evils of chemo. I don't feel any ill will toward those who choose that route-but I have faith in what we have chosen. That doesn't mean that as I sat next to my DH at that first chemo tx watching the IV drip that for a moment I felt overwhelmed with grief about what else the meds were going to do to him. But I know it takes something powerful to tackle this beast. 

Elimar-The mental aspect is really important as you say for QOL. In some ways I have felt that mental toughness just come surging up especially on the days when my DH looks the worst and feels the worst and it seems the news is all bad. Still have the nagging feeling that this should have been my ride to actually be on, not as a spouse, but it is what it is. I am trying to rise up to the situation as best I can.

Oddducklady-My heart goes out to you.  My DH has prostate cancer, but it's just in a surveillance mode, no tx.  Although his DX was a year and half prior to my BC DX, I was devastated when the doc told us about his.  The thought of anything seriously wrong with him was crushing.  He has always been my rock.  I am not as strong as he is and I will take my DX anyday as opposed to watching him go through this.  I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for both of you.  I know I am very eager to get started with tx, and truly feel for you over having to have his tx changed.  It seems we try to get through this one small step at a time and when one of our goals gets moved it can be damaging to our spirit.  We need to see signs of progress to keep fighting the good fight, but all this waiting can make us crazy when our hearts and minds are in such a fragile state.

I'm sending you mental shields and spears to continue to jab at this beast and keep your husband safe.

Prayers and hugs for you both.

NativeMainer - you said:

"I try to meet people where they are and walk with them, up hill and down."

SO simple, yet so rare to find those who will do this. 

God bless you for being one of those people, and may your efforts be returned to you many times over.

I'm not an optimist or pessimist; I consider myself a realist. I used to be that bubbly, people-pleaser type in my younger days. Through many life experiences, and now that I'm middle-aged, my outlook has evolved. I think society wants to put women into that 'positive' box where we're fancy-free and feminine, with fabulous friendships like Kathy Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb have, just a riot a minute, able to tackle any and all of life's difficulties by this 'upbeat attitude'.  There's a lot of pressure to be all that, if you buy into it.

Especially since the bc diagnosis, I am much more true to myself. It's like traveling through life being held aloft by helium balloons, your feet never touching the ground.  Then the air gets let out of the balloons, you fall to earth and you realize you actually prefer living life with your feet on the ground anyway. You're not soaring all the time, but you're still able to move forward at a more natural pace. I decided not to let societal norms dictate who or what I should be or act like.

I found that after awhile, people came to respect my point of view. They know I'm not going to sugar coat things. Some people can appreciate that.  I am not a downer, tho, either, still enjoying many aspects of life.  It's just that I don't think it's smart to downplay the seriousness of certain issues. Life has difficulties. Just on this one page of this thread, many struggles have been mentioned. As women, we don't need to 'keep sweet' about them.

TheDevineMrsM, 

If there was a "like" button, I would have pressed it on your post.  I think you hit the nail on the head about how much better it feels to live life being more authentic about things.  I know I appreciate being around authentic people too.

Hugs,

Kay