Am I crazy???????????????

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bandwoman1234
bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
edited July 2014 in Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After

Hi everyone,

I am just starting my radiation boosts tomorrow. I only have seven more treatments. At the beginning of the week I felt ecstatic knowing that the end was in sight. I am not only having 33 radiation treatments but many physical therapy treatments which just added insult to injury. My PT apts got stretched into July so it is not three a week like it had been. Yesterday I found out that they were subtracting a radiation treatment. I don't know why exactly but I felt sad. What? I am going crazy? There were some good reasons for that sadness but today knowing the end is in sight besides the five years on the cancer drug (not sure which one yet) I just feel a sadness.

I never did have a big emotional crisis when I got my cancer diagnosis in March. I didn't even allow myself to cry until just a couple weeks ago. I am not sure if I was trying so hard to stay positive and strong that I just shoved all my feelings down or what but many emotions are surfacing this week.

I injured my rotator cuff during the breast ultra sound in March. That realization that it is no where near healed is a big frustration besides the bc. I know that I have a good prognosis as far as the bc is concerned and I was in the low category on the Oncotype test. All things to celebrate. So why am I feeling sad? I have been very strong and positive through most of this and I had many scares along the way of possible cancer in other parts of my body. Still dealing with some of those unknowns even now.

I know many others had to have chemo and dealing with the awfulness of all that and that many have had the shock of knowing they had to have a mastectomy. I was spared all that. All things to celebrate........but why am I feeling sadness?

I think trying to pick up my life where I left it off is sort of mind boggling. I should be celebrating that I am hopefully about to get my life back. So why the sadness?

Can anyone out there identify with this? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Bandwoman1234


 

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2014

    Bandwoman, I suffered a pretty bad depression once radiation was finished. I'm just now starting to come out of it. I still have my up and down days. From what I've been told by the ladies on BCO, it's perfectly normal to have those feelings. We spend so much time going through treatment, I don't think the emotional part hits us till the end. I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences. Best wishes!

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  • susan3
    susan3 Member Posts: 3,728
    edited June 2014

    Band, sorry you r going though this. Nice we have these threads, but sad people need to be on them. 

    My two sense, emotions are such a huge part of us. We can't experience the love, the highs, the joy, without having the opposite also. When we can feel, really feel all the emotions this takes us on, we can become whole again. As they say, we need to walk through the fire to get to the other side. Life is all,about the ups and downs, and all about the journey. Are bad days are bad, but are good days are great. Learn to hug them all. They are all you....and that is a beautiful thing.

    I live in lake zurich il.  PM me if you ever want to meet someone on these boards. We r practicly neighbors.

    Take care

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  • annika12
    annika12 Member Posts: 433
    edited June 2014

    a little bit of post traumatic stress ?? I think its pretty normal :) never wrong to go talk to somebody !! Hugs and congratulations on being done :)

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014

    Hi Slow Deep,

    I am so sorry to hear what a tough time you have had. I can't imagine going through chemo and all of that so you had much more on your plate that I did. I sure hope that you begin to have many good days in a row and that the bad days will be fewer and fewer. Thanks for the encouragement. It is a blessing to have these forums and realize that we are maybe not crazy after all!

    Bandwoman

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014

    Hi Susan,

    Yes we do live pretty close to each other. I am thinking you are up North? Is that right?  Thanks for your encouraging words. You have had quite a journey. I appreciate your willingness to share to help others knowing all that you have gone through yourself. We will all get through this journey and helping out another sister is sure a great way to do it.

    Thanks.

    Bandwoman

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014

    Hi Annika,

    I think from the responses that this is a pretty normal reaction. I am almost done so we'll see what happens when I walk out that door for the last time for radiation. Thanks for writing. How are you doing?

    Bandwoman1234

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  • SpringWillCome
    SpringWillCome Member Posts: 7
    edited June 2014

    I don't think you're crazy at all, bandwoman.  That's exactly what happened with me last year - toward the end of radiation, I found out I had 3 less treatments than I thought I did.  (I think the total was supposed to be 32 treatments and I had thought it would be 35.) You would have thought I'd be happy but instead I felt ridiculously let down.  The whole ending of active treatment is not the joyful time many of us thought it would be.  All of a sudden, your "mission" - to show up for treatments and deal with the side effects - is completed.  But the journey is far from over, and "normal" people don't get that at all.  So people expect you to be happy that you are "done."  That you can "move on and put it all behind you."  When in fact (at least speaking for myself) I feel it's something I will be thinking about for the rest of my life - hopefully JUST thinking about it and not dealing with new concerns, but it still takes up part of my brain every day, and I finished radiation 14 months ago, and chemo a year and a half ago.  That fact that I'm still checking these boards most days tell me I'm still processing it.

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  • susan3
    susan3 Member Posts: 3,728
    edited June 2014

    Bandwomen, yes I am up north. Route 12 and 22.  Have lots of fam in your area. I am getting together with older nieces that live around you, they r coming by me and we r getting pampering treatments. Staying in a hotel here close by me and play games....as they say ...laughter is the best medicine.

    Feel free to contact me any time you feel like it

    Never feel bad for what I have and are going through. I am living it...truly living. That is all anyone can do at anytime in their life. So hard to explain the complete fullness of life I feel , that I never would have experienced without this journey. My depth of feeling and love and joy are so great. Like I said before, the pain and sadness are just as great. But I can't have one without the other, so I will take them both. 

    I am truly happy....except when I am throwing a pity party...lol.  But no one is invited :)

    The important things in life become so clear , and that clarity provides me peace. It is a beautiful world.

    Ok, I will stop rambling.

    Be good to yourself .  Whatever treatment they put you on can play games in your head.  Don't beat yourself up over that.  

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014

    Hi Spring,

    My nurse navigator's real name is Spring and I just love that. That you for being so honest. I know at the beginning of my diagnosis some ill informed people (which would have been me before this diagnosis) thought oh breast cancer is very treatable so you should be fine. Most have been very supportive though and I think all are well meaning. It just sometimes comes across to us as insensitive because it is such a highly sensitive subject to us. My BS when I saw him last said this time next year you will have forgotten all about this. LOL Are you kidding me? I realized that he sugar coated everything to hopefully make it easier to swallow. I know that I am now changed for life. I just hope that it will make me realize how totally silly some of the things that dominated my thinking before bc was and what things are truly the important things. I hope it makes me a better person in the end and one that will be willing to reach out to another sister like you have. Thank you.

    bandwoman12324

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014


    Hi Susan

    I just typed some of those same words to another sister and just now read the same thing from you too. I can practically laugh out loud at some of the things that were dominating my thinking before my diagnosis. I do have a strong faith and that has always been in tact but some of the other things like trying to get my house in perfect order seems pretty silly right now. I admire your zest for life and I hope that when I finish these treatments and start the drug that I can see the world in a different light as well. Good for you for living life. That is what we are supposed to do. Have a blast with your nieces and playing games. Maybe we will meet someday. Take care.

    Bandwoman1234

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  • Sunshineinky
    Sunshineinky Member Posts: 461
    edited June 2014

    Bandwoman I believe I could have wrote exactly what you did! I was diagnosed on 3/27 and I'll be done with rads on 7/9.  The closer it gets the more nervous I become.  I think it's because I feel safe seeing a doctor so frequently.  

    I too am dealing with a shoulder issue that hopefully is totally unrelated to my bc.  I'll have those results tomorrow and I'm physically sick waiting on the MRI report. 

    Anyhow, we can do this right? That's what I've learned from these ladies here.  So what we are both feeling is totally normal. Whatever normal is!!

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  • Betty14
    Betty14 Member Posts: 89
    edited June 2014


    Bandwoman,

                         I guess that sadness that a lot of us feel once treatment is over is because it is then that we feel alone. All of a sudden we realise that we are not going to have the same ongoing medical attention on us and we feel at our most vulnerable. At first you feel the huge shock when you are dxd and then all your medical team and your family rally around you and it feels like you are being carried by this wave of attention but it stops suddenly and you find yourself back on the shore......wondering how do you move on now. This ending to the treatments can make you feel empty......hollow inside....things don't ever quite go back to normal do they? So what we end up with is a new normal and it just takes a bit of time to get used to it.

     My life will never be the same again since my dx but every day I'm just glad to be here. What I hate the most about my bc journey so far is that I can never go back to that lovely , ignorantly happy place that was my pre-cancer life.....I hate that bc raped me of that innocence. I'm extremely sorry if this expression offends anyone here but it's the best , most honest and raw way that I can say it. And now I must add that there is not a day that goes by that I am not happy to be alive....I'm so lucky and happy and grateful to be alive and to get to love my family for longer ...this is what takes the sting away.

     I find that distractions really help me....like doing crafts and even watching my favourite shows on tv....even cleaning the house...just keeping busy enough to distract my mind I guess.

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014


    Hi Sunshine,

    I like your John reference. I have a strong faith and that is what has gotten me through this journey plus all the family and friends He has brought along the way.  I do think that the safety of knowing we have all of these medical people surrounding us every day is sort of like a safe little cocoon. Maybe that is part of my thinking. One of my friends who is a bc survivor said in an email that this is now up to you. That statement hit me like a brick. It bothered me and made me sad. I think you hit the nail on the head for me. It is partly the fear that we will be on our own. However we know that will never be the case though! He will never leave us or forsake us.

    I sure hope that your MRI is a good report. I hope your shoulder is an easy issue and will heal quickly. I should have spoken up during my breast ultra sound. My arm was killing me only a few seconds into the test and I should have said something. Boy did I learn my lesson there.

    Let us know how things turn out for you. Are we normal? Are we there yet?

    Bandwoman

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014

    Betty14,

    Thank you for your honesty. Even though I am single and live alone with my cat I had a ton of support through my bc journey. I am a retired teacher who taught at multiple schools over my career and I let my schools know of my diagnosis. I am usually a very private person so I look back and am even amazed that I did that. I think I knew I was going to need help and that was what I needed to survive this journey living alone with no family in the area. I knew that it was only going to be a matter of time when the calls and emails and flowers and cards stopped. Actually I am fortunate that I am still getting some of those things and now I am almost done with rads. There was a time when that attention diminished which is only natural. I remember feeling a sadness that I would be on my own facing this. I do have a strong faith and I know I am truly never alone. I am glad that you are experiencing the richness of enjoying life and realizing what a true gift it is. I am sorry for what all you have gone through. I read your bio. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. Thank you for responding and I hope your days are filled with love and peace and joy.

    Bandwoman1234

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014


    Has anyone shared your emotions with your RO? I have a wonderful female RO who is very sensitive and compassionate. I have always asked her all the technical stuff regarding the cancer but have not gotten into the emotional impact. I know early on she said you should not feel this diagnosis as a heavy weight on your shoulders. I guess compared with all that she sees every week I do have a good diagnosis compared with many. I have been strong and positive for so long that now that all of these other emotions are surfacing I am not sure what to do with them. I guess the reality is I am afraid to really feel them. Can anyone relate to that?

    bandwoman1234

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  • susan3
    susan3 Member Posts: 3,728
    edited June 2014

    yepppppppp.     Where I go for treatment, there is a social worker there. She is really good. One day I broke down and started sobbing. They didn't know what to do with me....lol.  So they called the social worker over and she sat and talked with me during the entire treatment.....she was great...and it felt great spilling everything :)

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  • KAT4856
    KAT4856 Member Posts: 67
    edited June 2014

    Hi Everyone,

    Bandwoman I feel the exact same way. I finished my radiation treatments 2 weeks ago and I feel really down. Especially in the morning I have the hardest time getting up. I have so much to be grateful for but I just feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Crazy thinking huh. I made it through chemo and radiation without a lot of issues. My hair is coming back so I am almost at the point where I don't have to wear hats anymore. I should be very happy but I am very sad. I hope it passes soon.

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  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited June 2014

    Totally normal from what I have experienced and others I have spoken to. I had an abbreviated course of rads (1 week, 2 x a day and done!) and I still felt that way even though they are seeing me a lot due to the fact that this was a clinical trial. It must be the PTSD of having gone through the diganosis, treatment etc and then it hits like a tornado blowing through. Congrats on finishing rads!

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014

    Thanks Susan3 for your honesty. I guess a part of me thinks that because my diagnosis is not as involved as others that I should be just fine emotionally. Also the fact that I have not had to have chemo then I should be grateful and suck up all the rest of the treatments. I know that is crazy thinking but that is sort of where I am with that. I guess it is the total lack of control that you feel when your life is taken over by surgery and healing and then treatments and on an on that it starts to play with your mind. Now that I will be getting a big part of my life back in a week or so and the end of rads I am trying to think of how to pick up my life after I left it off and that is just not computing with my brain. I am sure I will get back to a rhythm eventually. I still have PT to look forward to in July for my shoulder. LOL Actually NOT funny!

    Have you had your spa day with your nieces yet? At least I think that is what you were doing. You all talk about chemo brain. I guess I have lumpectomy brain!! Have a great weekend. Hopefully the rain will STOP!!!

    Bandwoman

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014


    Hi Kat4856,

    I guess we can be crazy together. LOL Seriously though you have been on this journey much longer than I have and I would imagine that you are just now having a chance to process all your body has been through. My bs gave me a book on bc and it says that the physical healing takes place much more rapidly that the emotional healing. I guess that is what we are feeling now, emotional healing.  I am usually thrilled when it is Friday because it means I have a break from rads and PT. Strange that I will be done next Friday with rads and feeling sadness about that. It is so hard to understand our emotions. I think I did such a good job of being so strong and positive that those other feelings are finally surfacing. I had a friend see me that I hadn't seen in 37 years. She was amazed at my positive attitude. She wrote me later in an email saying that I didn't have to be strong all the time and that it was okay to not feel strong. She was very wise and intuitive. I just allowed myself to cry a couple weeks ago. I was approaching my halfway mark through rads and I went through the diagnosis and surgery and all of that without a tear. Strange huh?

     

    I do hope that you can start to feel the joy of living again and that your new normal will start to feel comfortable. I think we all as survivors have to find a new normal because unfortunately the old normal has been taken from us. I really don't think that means that it is anything less than we had before. In fact I think that it very well could be that the new normal is much better because we can appreciate life more.

    Hang in there. I do think we will come out of this tunnel to a much happier and brighter place than we feel right now.

    Bandwoman

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014


    Thanks April485. I have a week to go yet but the end is in sight. I looked at your bio and your journey has been interesting. My RO had mentioned a short version of rads but there were some reasons that she didn't think it was appropriate for me. Don't remember all of them now. I wonder if in the future that will be the norm. I too will be on a hormone blocking drug soon. I see my MO in a couple days after finishing rads. It will probably be Arimidex or something similar.  I also have fibromyalgia so I am very concerned about the side effects exacerbating my fibro. I already deal with muscle and joint pain and really  am not looking forward to this. I did ask my MO weeks ago when I first met him about what would happen if I couldn't take the meds. He said we would stop. Sounds easy for him to say, right? Sometimes I feel like they are playing a game of Monopoly with OUR lives.

    I wish you the best and hope all goes well with you. Have a great weekend!

    Bandwoman

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  • MsPharoah
    MsPharoah Member Posts: 1,034
    edited June 2014

    Bandwoman.  Hugs!!!  I was what you call a "trooper", all through surgery, chemo and radiation....but when I had my last boost, the tech asked me "what are you going to do to celebrate?"  I lost it, sobbed hysterically and said..."I don't plan to celebrate anything that has to do with cancer!".  She definitely saw a side of me never seen before.  I can definitely relate to your feelings.   But it does get better.  I actually wake up many mornings and don't think about cancer first.

    Love, MsP


     

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  • julieho
    julieho Member Posts: 222
    edited June 2014

    Hi

    I have really struggled with what I think of as fear driven depression and anxiety on and off for the last 18 months since finishing treatment.

    I had different treatment, BMX, reconstruction, infections, chemo and no radiation but I think this emotional response has more to do with our experience of facing cancer, dealing with treatment, our own mortality and vulnerability and that life is ever changing....good and bad.

    What I have leaned most is to be kinder to myself about those feelings.  I felt and still sometimes accuse myself of being crazy for these thoughts and feelings. Why am I not grateful that it is over?  Why am I not celebrating life instead of feeling depressed?  

    I do celebrate life and I am grateful but I am also scared, emotionally and physically changed, having some long term side effects from treatment, regrets about the reconstruction I chose...on and on.

    That is also okay. I bring that stuff here and low and behold I find I am not alone, I am not crazy, I am not a crappy breast cancer warrior, I am just human and having a sometimes difficult experience with what this diagnosis and treatment has been for me.

    So glad you reached out.

    Take care,

    Julieho

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  • KAT4856
    KAT4856 Member Posts: 67
    edited June 2014

    Thank you so much Bandwoman and everyone else it helps alot to know I am not alone with these feelings. I guess what it means is that this is the time for me to mourn the old me. I am also someone you tries to put on the happy face and be strong all the time but right now I don't feel strong but I know that I will be okay. Thanks again for all of your words.

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  • vettegirl
    vettegirl Member Posts: 235
    edited June 2014

    I sometimes think we are extra emotional too because our hormones are all whacked up from chemo and other meds.  And I swear if one more person tells me "you will look okay in a shirt" I will scream.  With today's technology, I have a right to want to look decent not only in a shirt, but naked.  I want to look at me and not feel sad seeing a mangled mess like I have now.  I told my PS to make me beautiful again please and he told me to be patient-it may take a year or two....that I can work with.  I think everyone just thinks we are supposed to feel lucky to just be alive...believe me, I am...but I also want to feel and be normal while alive.

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014


    Hi MsPharoah,

    I just got back from rads and PT.  I was sharing my thoughts with my physical therapist who is also a lymphedema specialist who sees lots of bc patients. She told me that she sees lots more tears at the end of treatment compared to the beginning. Her suggestion was to jump back into the plans that you would have had. I am an avid gardener but where I live it is a pretty short growing season so it is a little late to go all out like I usually do in my yard. I do have about 20% of what I usually do and that will have to be enough. I am glad you are waking up hopefully with some normalcy returning to your life. I hope I will start feeling that soon. I will have PT into July at the same clinic as my rads and my oncologists so I think my ending is sort of end sight but not quite. Thanks for your input and I hope all goes well with you. Have a great summer.

    Bandwoman

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014

    Hi Julieho,

    From one person having a human experience to another I am truly sorry for all you have been through. My journey has been riddled with turns and twists and scares besides the bc so I can really sympathize. One thing that I have discovered from seeing so many woman at the clinic going through a similar journey is that we as humans are much more resilient than we think we are. That doesn't mean that we won't have our down days. Heck we probably all had those before bc. It is just a different journey now. Initially I felt totally betrayed by my body. I was into health and fitness and was into juicing and making veggie and fruit smoothies everyday. I guess I thought I was invincible and this diagnosis came crashing down on all of that thinking. For a very short period of maybe a day or two I thought what is the point. I will just eat anything and everything I want because it sure didn't  seem to make a difference now. All of that thinking was just human and normal. I finally got a hold of myself and accepted the diagnosis and moved on or so I thought.

    The mind is a funny thing. Trying to predict our reactions and feeling on this journey is surely a crap shoot. I thank you for sharing and I sure hope that for all of us on this unintended journey that we will come to a place of celebrating in the moment and not be driven by fear and anxiety. I hope that you can get to a place where peace and joy rule. I hope that for all of us because I imagine every single one of us have had those same thoughts.

    Thank you for being transparent. I do hope that it will get much better for you and that hope will become the driving factor for your future.

    Hugs,

    Bandwoman

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014


    Hi Kat 4856,

    The nice thing about this forum is that we can let things out and not have to pay for it. LOL We are all in this together. I hope you have some good support around you with people that you can be honest with. I think that is important. One thing I have learned in my older age is that people cannot read our minds as I thought for much of my life. LOL If we are hurting or scared or depressed there are certainly appropriate times to tell a few close friends. I have been amazed at all of the people that came out of the woodwork to support me. I am single and live alone with my cat so I suppose many figured I needed help and guess what...........they were right!

    Hang in there. We are strong women who can go through this journey with strength and grace. That doesn't mean we have to beat ourselves up when we don't feel very graceful or strong.

    Have a great weekend. Be kind to yourself.

    Bandwoman

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  • bandwoman1234
    bandwoman1234 Member Posts: 5,542
    edited June 2014

    Hi Vettegirl,

    I am absolutely positive that some of things we are feeling emotionally are hormonal. I did a lot of natural supplements before my diagnosis. I had to stop most of those for surgery and had to stop some of them permanently because of my er+ tumor. I have been off of all of that stuff during rads as well. I imagine quite a bit of what I am feeling is a combination of all the stress of these last few months and the lack of hormones in my body. I imagine our bodies are screaming out from all the things that have been done to us to save our lives. I have only had a lumpectomy and I feel pretty scarred up and burned up now with one more week of rads left. I can't imagine what you must feel. I just hope that you will be able to work with your PS and achieve the desired result. I hope you will be able to feel beautiful and alive all at the same time. Hang in there and I promise I will not tell you you will look good in a shirt!

    Hugs,

    Bandwoman

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  • KAT4856
    KAT4856 Member Posts: 67
    edited June 2014

    Thanks Bandwoman,

    Yes I do have wonderful people in my life that support me. In fact I talked to a lot of them yesterday. I guess I was just having a bad day. Today I feel better. For me it has alot to do with fatigue. I tend to do too much when I'm feeling better. All of you woman are wonderful I hope you all have a great weekend!

    Karen

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