Issues with my mother

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dani_katze141914
dani_katze141914 Member Posts: 50
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
Issues with my mother
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  • dani_katze141914
    dani_katze141914 Member Posts: 50
    edited June 2014

    Hello all,

    I had breast cancer and a mastectomy on my left breast on 2011. I had no need of chemo or radio, but I am on tamoxifen since then. I'm 40 years old now. Recently my gyneacologyst discovered a tumor in the right ovary and he sent me to the oncologyst. After seing different opinions the conclusion is that I have to have surgery to see if is a CA or not. Two opinion said that it is probably an endometriosis. I've been up and down, giving me strenght to go though this... I am scared... 

    I'm single and live alone, have a job and very spiritual life. I have good friends to count on. My parents also know all of this. In this last issue is what I would like to talk about. 

    When I had breast cancer, my parents were supportive in their way... I mean they couldn't talk about it, as I wanted to... I did it with my friends. My father also joined me going to the appointment I had with the physicians. My mother was worried, but she also somatized her emotions to physical pain in her body... finally my father and I got more worried about her pain...!! Sometimes I felt her so disconnected with what I was going through.  When I had the surgery my father told me to go home to be with them, so they could take care of me. I did so. 

    Now that I have to go to surgery again, my parents suggested me to go home with them again... but this time I think to return to my place and to ask for someone that help me to cook and stuff like this... I told my mother, who tried to convince me that she will be supportive, that she wants me to join me to the appointment with the physicians (which she has done this time) and to take care of me.

    But I have a big issue with her since childhood... and sometimes I feel that I am more scared of her reaction with me, than the surgery itself...! When I was a child, she used to be hypercritical, I would say I suffered some kind of verbal abuse... and  she always regret and asked me to forgive her... and the cycle started again... 

    I am not longer living with my parents, I love them, but, I am scared with the surgery and also if I go to my parents house to ask them to help me... I am also scared to tell them I will be by myself this time, that they can visit every time they want to.

    What do you suggest me? Has anyone live an experience like this?

    Thanks

    Dani

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited June 2014

    Hi Dani - Sorry about the additional surgery. Are you having an ooph and a hysterectomy?  I asked the ladies here about the recovery time for both since I have the cysts and such since starting Tamoxifen and I get the impression that if the surgery is laprascopic it is quite a bit easier that the mx. You should only have to worry about you right now. Some people are just not good at the caregiving thing,. This is only about you. What do you want to do? Can you have a friend come and stay for the first night or so? Personally my parents weren't there when I was dx. I think it was too hard for them to deal with it, so they just didn't. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but I hear you, and I know you'll do the right thing. Crossing my fingers that everything is just fine with the surgery. 

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  • tangandchris
    tangandchris Member Posts: 1,855
    edited June 2014


    Sorry you are going thru this ((hugs))

    I would suggest staying away from your parents home this time. It sounds like it is adding more stress to you than help. I know this may be hard if you are alone, do you have friends that could help?

    I have a complicated relationship with my mother too, so I can relate. She offered to come up and help me, but has never actually followed thru with it. She has severe anxiety that makes it hard for her to ride in a car. So, as much as I'd love the idea of her coming to help i know in reality it would cause me more stress mostly likely.

    I don't know much about the surgery you are facing, so maybe it will require more help than what you have. I hope you can find the right balance for your situation.

     

     

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  • dani_katze141914
    dani_katze141914 Member Posts: 50
    edited June 2014

    Thanks for the answers.

    I don't know yet if the ovaries and uteres will removed, because the doc told me that he has to see first if the tumor is cancer or not... then he will proceed... this makes me feel so afraid... However the surgery will be a laprascopic. I have some friends, but two of them live far away from me and the other is married and work all the time, so I think if I decide not to go my mother's house I would have to ask for someone to pay for, to help me with cooking and stuff like that. I don't know how big the surgery will be, what makes me feel afraid, so I don't know how much help I will need to do my stuff... this is also an issue to decide if I return to my apartment or to my parent's house....

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  • tangandchris
    tangandchris Member Posts: 1,855
    edited June 2014


    Daniela,

    I'm sorry this is going on.....I would be very conflicted too. It's easy for me to say do this or that, but only you know what you can handle. For now maybe just take it a step at a time. See how major the surgery will be and go from there. Right now you have to put yourself first, that is a must! ((hugs))

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  • dani_katze141914
    dani_katze141914 Member Posts: 50
    edited June 2014

    Thank you for your advice.

    Anyone here have felt anger and the wish of isolation... I mean that none knows what is going on with you... so that none can ask and make stupid commentaries... I feel this way... I also feel sadness and I am scared... but anger. I think is the first feeling I have most and I guess I feel that I can't control it over my parents... as if they would have the guilt... and I am so sensitive of any commentaries of them, that the first thing I do is to feel anger...

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited June 2014


    My mother was 80 yesterday but no card or gift bc I finally kicked her off the bus. My mother has all kinds of issues and I was her mother growing up.

    Run! Do not stay with them. There are alternative places to go after surgery. Have you looked into Hope Houses? There are other options. Don't have time to write now.

    Poke me in the next few days if I do not write again.

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