Emotionally really missing my breast

I agree with you, I am still one breasted two years on, something I never imagined in my worst nightmares and I hate it........evey morning and every night I cringe at myself and just don´t feel normal anymore - and I am so relieved to see someone else refer to it as an amputation as that is what it is and I still get odd phantom sensations for a breast and nipple that is no longer there

Julieho, i am awful sorry. that must be really tough. i don't like to see you so sad, but i do agree with how you put it, amputation, because that is really what it is. you know i only did lumpy, but you know that doesnt mean someday, they both might have to go for me. and i know for sure it would be traumatic for me, and i would miss them sorely. but i know that you have had a hard time here with other things too, and i just wanted to give you a virtual hug, and let you know i that i care, and am sorry to think of you suffering.

i have read several womens experience with breast cancer, and i think audre lorde's book, was probably the first one to rightly call it an amputation. in her life, the reach for recovery people, and even her tx center, were put off by her not wanting to wear a prosthesis, and encouraged her to wear one for the sake of the moral of every one working there, and the other women who might see her that way. but she felt she was doing the proper thing, by showing the world her loss, and mourning the loss. but she said she never felt less beautiful, cause her strength and beauty lay within in her, altho she was also a very striking looking woman, and a fierce feminist, just a sensitive soul.

any way, i would so give you a hug.. i will be thinking of you...

I understand.....I miss my breasts too. I really broke down over this last week for some reason, still no sure what brought it on for me. I had bimx with TE's and ended up having them taken out due to infection as well. I had decided to wait until after tx was completed to even consider reconstruction, now I don't know what the right thing to do is. I've had 4 surgeries since dx and I just don't know if I can go thru another try and have it not work.

I look in the mirror and I see a disfigured chest and it hurts to see it. I miss my breasts!

Would you ever consider converting to a flap reconstruction? 

I know of ladies who have basically never had a satisfactory result with implants, and go for flap/s, sometimes after many years! They still won't have the sensation, I know, but they are soft, and warm, and part of you instead of being a foreign object inserted in there, and they will grow with you, lose weight with you, and age with you.

I have decided I cannot countenance implants, and have a provisional date for a prophylactic mastectomy and bilateral flap reconstruction in December. I know its a very big deal, and I'm nervous, but looking forward to it all being over. I currently have one DD/E which I loath. I think I feel worse about my remaining breast than I dislike my flat side!! 

It is daunting, don't get me wrong! And it gives me butterflies just thinking about it.

But I used to work on a plastics surgery unit, as a physiotherapist, and one of my duties was to see patients at 6 weeks when they were allowed to start abdominal exercises (mostly TRAMs in those days) and even then at the relatively early stage, and with very few exceptions, the ladies expressed themselves delighted that they'd had it done. 

Unless my medical peeps advise me not to go ahead due to my blood clotting history ...... in which case I think I will decide on bilateral flat! Not a particularly happy thought, but I've been 18 months lopsided, and I'm not happy with this either! 

I agree, amputation is the word. People have referred to it as a "procedure" which sounds minimizing and annoys me. Im also depressed, in the early stage of filling the tissue expanders. Im in mourning for this loss for sure. I know it will subside, like all grief does to some degree, but Im in the weeds now iin terms of mood. Taking steps to help myself with counseling, this board, etc. I feel isolated among my froends and family, bc this journey is really, just you and your body. 

Got some bad news today from my PS. It seems that I'm considered a high risk patient for reconstruction at this point. I've had lot's of complications with infection and had my TE's removed back in January, 2 debridement procedures and lot's of antibiotics. He told me today after taking out my stitches that because of my issues and my bmi, that a DIEP would be 8-9 on risk scale and Latt Flap would be a little lower.

I'm very sad and honestly feel somewhat hopeless over this. I'm 40 years old, I'd like to have breasts again. I'm angry at my first PS, I'm angry that I removed my left breast(no cancer there and it has given me all the problems), and I'm just angry that this has happened to me.

I'd like to get in bed and sleep....wake up and this all be a bad dream.

tang - Does that same PS actually do diep? In our area we all get sent to Prma in San Antonio for diep. Maybe go there for a consult. Don't give up! Get a good nights sleep then tomorrow start on a new plan. I'm sad for you. Gentle hug. 

Hi tang - All of it sucks. I hate that you are going through this so young. Breasts certainly do not define you as a woman. It's all about what makes you feel better. I've seen such tremendous strength from you on these boards these past few months. You confront things head on, and now you have turned the tables and are comforting the terrified newly diagnosed ladies.  When the time comes you'll know what to do. No one, no one, hear me NO ONE is allowed to make you feel "less than". You are "perfectly and wonderfully made" just the way you are.

Hey there Tang:

Crap on a chapstick!  (That's a silly expression from my home thread to replace swearing)  Have you considered BRAVA and fat transfer (AFT)?  I am high-risk too.  I had same problems you did, word for word.  My PS said he would not reimplant TEs (I didn't want them anyway) but he didn't see a problem with fat transfer.

Sending you hugs -- and everyone else too.  XXOXOXO

hey ladies....I'd never heard of the brava thing. I did a little google on it and it looks interesting. I'm not sure if I'd be a candidate because of the scar tissue I know have, but I'm gonna read some more on it.

I'm sorry julie about the turn out with the TE's. After my 2nd infection I told my PS i wanted them both out, I was DONE with the TE's and him. He was an ass, didn't even try to talk me out of it or think of an alternative to do it. I have bad feelings toward him if you haven't noticed.

My new PS took out the capsule that had formed in my chest that had formed due to a seroma and then formed into an abcess. Truth be told I'm scared to do more surgery too. I really feel like I've been put thru the ringer on all of this. I'm envious of women who make it thru recon process w/o issues, and envious of women who have breasts. sucks!

Lily I understand your pain ((hugs))

I don't have any advice, I am kind of in the same place that are. Just curious, what type of infection did you have. I had psedumonas, this is a rare one too and I'm still on IV antibiotics to make sure it doesn't come back. This is hard stuff to get thru. PM me if you want ((hugs))

Lily, I had no idea you had been through all that. I knew you weren't happy with your UMx results, but I obviously missed your posts, about you finding a surgeon to reconstruct with fat transfer.

I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you, with the infection, not having options and the transfer not going as you hoped. It is so awful that you are feeling different and still feel you don't fit in. After all this time, I imagine it must be exhausting, to have gone through all this and still not have the results you hoped for.

Lily, don't forget the good you do here, on BCO, and all the women you've helped and given advice to, since you first came here. You may not realize it, but your advice and opinions are valued and you fit in with people from all over the world, who come here to make contact with others, who understand their fears.

I  wish you all the best for improvement and a more positive outcome with the recon.