question for those that have gone thru marriage counceling

I was trying to save my marriage and suggested marriage counseling.

Red flags to look for--they do not get or read the book the counselor tells you both to read and if he clams up and doesn't contribute to the conversation or do the 'homework'.

MAKE A PLAN TO PROTECT YOURSELF - call or go to the local women's shelter for advice.

Then, save your money for the divorce--you'll need it. Go to the best lawyers in town for the free consults. Even if you don't hire them, they are recused from representing your husband.

Be prepared for anything. Make copies of all documents, especially financial records. Photograph everything in the house.

Change the lock on your bedroom door. Change the one on your front and back door after he leaves for work the day the bomb will drop. Arrange to tell him in a public area where you can get out fast. Go to your Police, if they are any good, and inform them about the situation. Ask them to keep a car or officer nearby where you will tell him. Give them the alarm code, a key to the house, and pics of you, kids and pets.

Get you name off joint debt accounts immediately. Greatly reduce your line of credit to just over your current balance.

Open your own bank account. Hide important papers or items with a trusted friend or put them in storage.

Start a diary of things he says and does. Photograph anything he damages or marks on you.

Get a PO box.

Be very careful who you tell things to. It often travels back.

Pack your A & B bags -- in case you have to run.

Get a storage room and put things that are yours or special in it (like your engagement ring), some cash, a few changes of clothes, and spare keys.

Get the ignition chamber on  your car changed by a mechanic that does not know your husband, and hide a key outside in case you ever have to run.

I know she did not say he was physically abusive. He could have been emotionally abusive. If so, it can escalate and you need to protect yourself and your assets. I followed the advice of a seasoned Sgt. and my female attorney that had been a PO for nine years. Having cancer is enough to deal with. I was telling my story because I learned the hard way after the first husband years earlier. You say marriage counselor or mediator to me and the PTSD kicks in because I had bad experiences.

I was diagnosed less than a year after the divorce and made sure he didn't know I was sick or he would have acted up worse. I moved 4 times in a year and he stalked me, so he was not out of my life.

I was recounting my experience with my marriage counselor. To put it front and center, instead of expecting people to read between the lines.....after over 10 years, he became abusive and started drinking after 9/11. That was much worse of a day for me than him.

It started emotionally, then he became explosive without warning, the pets became afraid of him, he repeatedly sexually assaulted me when I could not fight back or consent (Ambien) an the cops and PO were useless. With lots of evidence, he walked. I also had to babysit him, so if he got drunk and passed out on the porch and did not call for aid, I would have been arrested.

The marriage counselor was recommended and not good. He'd say to my husband, "How do you think BP felt after you (whatever my complaint was)?"  When the sexual assaults became a real issue, one time he said he'd do it again when he felt like it. Unexpectedly, I got off the sofa and right in his face and told him that I said 'no'. My doctors, my therapist and the marriage counselor knew what was going on. Nobody ever used the words 'marital rape' or told him to stop. I have PTSD from the whole experience, how nobody protected me or did anything and he walked. Certain events, not even directly related, cause me to have "the rape nightmare" depicting the one night I couldn't fight him off and remember what he did.

What could get me in trouble with the court under these circumstances?  The mediator should have realized from the first minute he was uncooperative and in denial. She did not have him sign off of the agreements each session, so I could not use it as legal evidence. And, I paid for my consults, although some are free.