new at this, mom has metastasized breast cancer

I am so sorry to hear the magnitude of your fear in your post.  I am here in support of my BFF (49) that was diagnosed Stage IV in February and have lived through three different cancers with my Mom so I do know a little something about how you're feeling.  One of the hardest things to do as a loved one of someone with this disease is to live today with them in joy and love and service.  We can't change what's happening. We can't predict the outcome.  We can only accept and do our best to live in the moment with them.  Really live.  Laugh, celebrate, remember, share, cry, plan, hug, talk, be quiet together.  I am trying to learn how to meditate, to breathe and find a sense of calm for myself, for them.  Try not to feel the loss of your Mom now.  I know it's hard to keep your thoughts from bombarding you with what you will miss out on with her but don't let them and your fear make you miss out on what's special about today together.  

Donna 

I agree with Zeana.  Read the stage lV discussion board.  The stage lV women can help you with a lot of your questions, so I would start reading.  My Mother has stage lV, and the women on that forum are so wonderful and caring.

Your Mom needs chemo.  It's amazing what some of the treatments will do.  My Mother has mets to her liver and bones and just a couple of treatments shrunk them way back.  The side effects can be pretty hard, but the chemo can be just as hard on the tumors.  I hope you can guide your Mom in that direction.  She should at least try it, and if she can't take it she can stop anytime.  If she's Her+ the Herceptin could really help her.  Remind your Mom you want her around for your wedding and to see her grandchildren.  With some of the treatments out there now there's a strong possibility she could be.  I realize there's no guarantees, but you won't know unless you try.

Good luck to you and your Mom.

Peggy

My mom was diagnosed 2 weeks ago with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, that was a phone call I know I can never forget.  MRI initially showed stuff in lymph nodes, pancreas, liver, etc.  The surgeon called last Friday, said that the cancer had NOT spread beyond the breasts and lymph nodes and that she felt very positive.  

Today my parents met with the oncologist and learned that it HAS actually most likely metastasized and is in her shoulder?  Today was one of the first days my parents really fell apart, mostly because we got some false good news and got our hopes up.  Surgery was originally planned for a week from now, but now they say it could be better to start chemo first.  

I am 25, and planning a wedding for October 1st of next year.  It feels like my world has been literally flipped upside down.  I am an only child, have an amazing Dad and supportive fiance and still feel like sh** and totally alone.  I know it is important to reach out to people in my life, but they just have no idea how it feels. 

Should we all get in to counseling?  I know people say the beginning is the worst part, but good lord I cannot imagine watching my mom suffer through chemo and the rest of this journey.  I know how selfish and immature this is but I just can't help but feel like: why MY mom, this is the kind of thing that happens to someone else.  I just don't know how to deal.

Thanks for listening : ( 

Add me to the list of those with MBC Moms. 

Mine is now in hospice but I've been blessed to have been able to spend these last nine months with her as primary caregiver.  It's a terrifying ride, to say the list. 

My mum was first diagnosed in 1995, lumpectomy then, no further treatment.  Then again in 2003, right mastectomy.  Then, last September, she said she hurt her back moving furniture - she was 77 at the time and we all gave her shit for moving furniture.  Through a comedy of errors in our medical community, they treated her for pulled muscles, gave her physio, accupunture, ADVIL...it wasn't until we were at a chiropractor in January that he didn't like the sound of her cough, so HE finally sent her for xrays. 

That's when we found the lung metastasis, then on to CT scan to discover all the bone mets.  I think I saw subtle changes in her as long as the summer of 2009 as she was walking different.  So, since January, we've finally got a name for the Beast and it's been a huge learning curve.  She went into a wheelchair in March.  Around Mother's Day, it metastasized to her liver.  We tried tamoxifen and chlodrinate but stopped them both in August.  That's when we saw mets to the brain. 

I had to hospitalize her on Sept. 11 (of all days) and then a bed opened up in hospice last Wednesday for her.  Today, her breathing patterns changed to be very slow and shallow but she is still hanging in there.  I know the question I've been wanting answered all through this is "when?" - but, you know what?  There is no expiration date stamped on the bottom of our feet - it's not up to us. 

In my case, we've been given a long glorious goodbye.  I'm an only child and she has been a single mum all my life.  I am losing my best friend, but I think I'm coming to grips with it now and I'm praying for a peaceful passage for her.  We've finally got her completely pain free. 

The only advice I can offer is to treasure every moment you have with her.  Do jigsaw puzzles together.  Start a bird feeder.  Play crib.  Buy flowers for her.  Cook for her.  Love her.  Get her some Ensure - it comes in a lot of flavours now and it's very nutritious and easy to digest.  Let her lead in this dance and listen between the lines to what she's not telling you, be her advocate with her medical team.  Pray.  Spend as much time as you can with her.  Don't lose yourself in this journey.  Tell her you love her EVERY DAY.

 Know this - and this has helped me a LOT this year:  we are all where we are meant to be at any one given point in time.  There are some things you do just have to "let go and let God" and I know how much that sucks, trust me.  It doesn't matter how old you are (I'm turning 52 in a few days but I doubt my Mum will be here for that) - you're never ready to lose your mom.  But you do have to accept and deal with the hand life has dealt.  Dealing with it CAN be very difficult but you can do it.  All of us here are here for each other - please do reach out when you need to.  This group, more than anyone, intimiately understands what daughters are going through.  We can't cure this disease but we can always offer a safe harbour to our fellow warriors.

 Be strong for your mom - show her what a good job she's done with you. 

I am a mom. My first diagnosis my daughter was 10.  I put her in counseling, I knew she had to talk to someone, and I put myself in different counseling, we fared well.

3 yrs ago it came back stage iv recurrence distant metastatic . No surgery options. Been on 5 different chemos, all diff side effects....but still living quality of life and very happy. 

Told my hubby and my daughter, that none of us know how to do this......so everything is ok. Listen when we have emotional outbreaks, not to many comments please, don't try to join into any pity party cause no one is ever invited..lol.   and hug and love a lot. We r doing pretty well considering, and I think it is because we are so honest with each other and have no strings attached.

My daughter got married last July and I did get to see it...

She has married a med student...so I probably won't see any grand kids .

I remember when my cousin got married a few years ago, his mom had died before the event. He was very emotional and sad. Gave a toast to his mom and cried. He wanted her to SEE this in the worst way.

Since I am going through a terminal illness, I had different insight for him....I told him, and you gals too.....don't ever think for one minute, that us moms don't know and can't see what the future may look like for you. Remember we raised you and know you so well. I told him his mom did see this day. He is a great kid, she knew in her heart he would pick a lovely girl to spend his life with. She knew this in her soul. Just as I know in my soul that my daughter will be a good mom. I can even laugh about it now, cause I also know the tough times she is going to have with them...and will prob be banging the phone down cause she won't be able to call me....but rest assured, when she calms down, she will know exactly what I would say. 

Life is tuff.....but if you embrace it, and feel it, you can find beauty even in the fire.  It bring us to our knees and humbles us. We see the important things in live...and it changes us. 

Hugs and prayers to all of you