The "Be Positive" myth

I see no one's blogged here since 2 plus years ago so here goes....  I agree with many others here that if they hear one more person tell them "be positive" or have a "positive attitude" they will blast them.  Same with the whole "think pink" mentality.  I think the whole pink thing exploits women with BC and has research done anything to come closer to a cure in the last 20 or 30 or 40 years?  No.  But they have been able to target more types of cancer with the right treatments.  I guess I'll be "positive" about that but nothing more...  I lost a very young friend last summer to BC, and she was probably the most positive thinker out there. 

As I'm sure I've said on other posts, never ever underestimate the power of anger to MOTIVATE.  To my thinking, if anger keeps you slogging through treatment, gives you the grit to face a cancer diagnosis head-on, makes you determined that it WON'T WIN even when you feel like giving up, then ANGER a pretty valid emotion.  It sure helped me a lot more than the "be positive" bit.

Warrior Women, Unite!

Sometimes I wish I could follow a bunch of the "think positive" folks and see how many get cancer themselves, and then ask them how the positive thinking thing is working for THEM.

Haha  Love it no prizes for guessing what the answer would be, um, that is unless one is totally delusional.  I kid you not, youd be surprised who calls black white when its still black.

As for me, I refuse to use "negative" and "positive" except in the proper usage before it was hi-jacked....

Power phases? yep, increments decrements, yep, 100% yes or no, yep. 

Trying to educate people about this insidious parroted phrase is like spitting into the wind or sticking your finger in the dyke. I generally dont bother except in dedicated threads like these, but anyone telling me to "be positive" well that's a different matter.

Welcome Tarot.  As always, sorry you have to be here 

You're welcome Tarot!!  I've noticed in a more general sense that being honest feels really good, even if what you are being honest about seems embarrassing.  I can credit BC for that!!

what a difference a surgery date makes.....March 10th. And...went away for a couple of days. so my attitude is much better now. Thanks all of you wonderful people for helping me make through those awfully dark days, all 10 of them, LOL

I was positive, I was a happy person until about a month ago when I was diagnosed with recurrence, was I not positive enough? I love when everyone says, but you have such a great attitude about all this, how could this happen to you? Because having a great attitude is the cure! I am not in the mood for this think positive crap right now. Sorry to sound bitter, but like I've been telling everyone, I'm allowed! Thanks for reviving this thread

I see Ive been pipped at the post, keeping one of the most important threads on this forum alive.  GREAT!

Basia, you don't sound bitter to me, but real and its great another one has seen this idiocy for what it really is. The more the merrier.

Ive got better things to do than get annoyed, BUT..... about a week ago OK, yeah, I got REALLY annoyed. For the 1st time I met a (distant) family associate who's had cancer and seems to think her long NED was attributable to her positive thinking. She was extremely pushy and intent on pushing the whole game onto me and she pursued her "cause" with as much zeal as a cultist. When I calmly but firmly disagreed, well um, she didn't like it. I COuldn't even get a word in edgeways. Whatever. I can cope with this type of response but when she actually blamed a persons death on their "negative attitude", then turned around and flatly denied that she had done so,  yep, that pushed a button and I became a LOT more challenging. You see people who propagate these lies don't have consistency in mind when they argue their cause. When you show up their contradictions they can really go pear shaped on you and act like a cornered rat, which is only indicative that they have real problems. Her way of dealing with it was to "see me out" (not even her house). I said no thanks I'll see myself out. My challenge rattled her cage far more than mine got rattled. The point is, GOOD, now she knows not everyone is going to fall and worship as she spouts her nonsense. Hopefully she remembers me when she spreads her next lot of lies.

She reckons "they" are breaking their necks for her to spin the positive stuff at meetings and speaking engagements. UGH . How many more people are going to get suckered into this unrealistic ridiculous nonsense and then get a mighty slap of disappointment when reality comes knocking. These people do sooo much damage. Seriously.

Hi Clickchick,  Thanks for your message.  I am so sorry to hear you lost your mom too.  I had a really hard time after my mom died as we were very close and she is the one I always turned to for advice.   Feeling very lost without her. 

 I am really nervous as tomorrow I go in for a 2nd opinion with a breast surgeon and see a plastic surgeon.  I think I might get a new oncologist too since I have lost faith in mine-long story!  They have already suggested I get a sentinel lymph node biopsy and a mastectomy at a minimum due to the extent of dcis.  My mri showed lots of abnormal tissue too so I'm worried it is invasive .  Weird how that never showed up on the mammograms.  How are you feeling after radiation? Take care!

Thanks NativeMainer! Happy hump day to you too.  

positivity makes NO difference to BC outcomes, they did a 15 year study expecting to prove this myth, but in fact they proved that wonen who authentically expressed theur feelings, the whole range of them, did best.  i HATE the Positivity Police, they do us all a dis service

I like this thread...I think outlook is determined by genetics/environment/nurture. I think a lot of positive people had positive parents and were nurtured into being positive. I have seen families where all the members were jokers always laughing even in the face of adversity. I have also seen families where depression was a dominant factor in their lives and they struggled with it on a daily basis. I myself have a family that has been plagued by depression and anxiety and related nervous disorders. I suffer from anxiety and I was brought up by  two anxious parents..my mother being a catastrophic thinker always putting her fears onto us...I was a fearful child and I developed  'the worrier' personality. I'm always worrying about something wether I want to or not...it will just pop up somewhere in my day....there you will find the worry bug. It bites when I least expect it and sometimes it will send me into a panic.

I've had severe anxiety for 20+ years and I believe it is genetic and it has affected my family and myself....I see it. Sometimes I have short bouts of depression and I get fed up with everything .....other times I'm manically happy and enjoying life to the fullest and embracing my passions.

Sometimes I have days where bc doesn't come to mind and I forget I had it for that day......that's a great day, on other days it's all I think about.

Am I a bad person for wishing I never had cancer.?..NO....am I a bad person for getting angry that I got this disease?.....NO

Am I a bad person because I can't be positive about my dx ?....NO....If I am positive it's not because I am grateful that I got dx with bc but it's because I'm feeling good within myself at that time.

Just because a person with cancer is positive doesn't mean they love their cancer.....it means they have a positive outlook at that time....just because these people put on a brave face to the world doesn't mean they don't cry themselves to sleep at night. The thing is that in the end all that really matters is that we be free to feel whatever we feel at any given moment. I think it takes as much strength to get through life with a  positive outlook than it does with a negative one. You're getting up in the morning and surviving and getting on with your day...

I don't give a damn what people think of me anymore....some days I feel crappy others days I feel like I could conquer the world and sometimes I'm neither here nor there.....just meh. But I never am glad or happy or grateful that I got a disease that could potentially kill me just like I wouldn't be happy or joyous or grateful if I was told that the aeroplane I was flying on had a faulty engine and we might all crash and burn....I wouldn't turn to the air hostess and smile and say " I'm so grateful for this opportunity to fly '*** airways'. ...the food is great "

I'm not bothered by people that are positive about their cancer dx...I'm bothered by those people that expect it of you.

Big hugs to all those who have lost their moms. My own mom was dx'd with BC at the age of 60. She had a UMX, with no rads, no chemo, and no AIs (weren't invented yet.) At 67 she was dx'd with Parkinson's, which robbed her of her independence and her health. But in caring for her, we would find ourselves laughing at something ridiculous, and her famous saying was "I can laugh, or I can cry, and it damn well feels better to laugh." She passed at the age of 88 due to Parkinson's, without ever having a recurrence of the the BC.

When I turned 60, I got the call. I had BC. The very first thing I wanted to do after I hung up with the Radiologist was to call my mom and pour my heart out, but she had already passed. I decided that I would follow her example, and that she would be my role model.

I had many people tell me how positive I was during my difficult days. All the medical staff complimented me on my positive attitude. Trust me, I was doing that for myself and for my mom. Being positive simply made me FEEL better. It was like free Valium.

But it was MY choice. It wasn't about some well-meaning friend or stranger telling me that I HAD to stay positive to BEAT THIS THING!!!

And I had plenty of fire-breathing BIATCH moments. Seriously scary. 

I am a nice person, I really am. But I have no problems  dishing out some harsh reality where it is warranted. I never actually said out loud "I am positive I am about to smash your face into the sidewalk..." but I came close. At least I think I didn't say it out loud.

Others who gave out advice freely, well, I just took it on a case-by-case basis. Some were just uneducated folks who loved me dearly and would have taken the cancer from me if they could. I tried to listen and remember they loved me. Others were just plain stupid and pushy.

I had some great zingers for that crowd: "Oh, I'm sorry, what part of this is about YOU?" (Silence.....)  "OH - you have breast cancer too? What kind? Thank goodness you are an expert! Tell me more!" (Silence.....) "Wow - all this time, and I had no idea you were a medical doctor! Tell me, what is your specialty?" (Silence...)

Like I said, being positive is for ME. I count my blessings, not my remaining days on earth. Neither should anyone else who thinks they know better than I do how to live MY life.