New to the Board

I lost my previous post.

My mom is diagnosised with Stage IV breast cancer. I had no idea there was anything wrong until the beginning of June when she called and said "if something happens to me it is not a sudden thing."

June 22nd she finally had an appointment with a family dr. within a week and after x-rays and blood work, she was at the oncologist. A week after that, July 4th, she called me and said "it's breast cancer" July 13th, she had her first chemo treatment. July 16th, at 11 am I get a call "you need to come home. your mom is in the hospital." Within 2 hours I was in the car with my two year old daughter and drove 28 hours. 22 of those hours was straight driving. No flights to where I needed to get to or even close.

She's in the palliative care unit in the hospital. When I got there I had the shock of my life. I actually had to check the room number, because the woman in the bed did not look like my mother at all.

It has been one roller coaster ride after another. I am about worrying myself sick because I can't find out what is going on.

her oxygen is at 3. Her white cell count has been as low at 0.6 (have no idea what that number means, but 2.5 or higher is when she can have chemo)

The cancer is in both breasts. when the dr's did the biopsy, the needle split the cancer in half. And now she has to have dressing on her chest, because as she said "the cancer is oozing out of my breasts." It is also a "teeny tiny bit" (as she stated) in one of her lungs. Have no idea which lung. Also she has fluid in one of her lungs (again have no idea which one)

She went from 160-170 now to 120 lbs.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I just want answers, and I keep getting road blocks.

As long as she can make decisions for herself, her dr's only want questions posed through her and they will answer them to her, and she will pass on the info. (that's what she told me)

Everytime I ask her what the dr's have said she says "they said things look good, they are pleased." Pleased with what? Is the chemo shrinking the cancer. She told me their hope is the shrink the cancer to make it operable. This will not cure her, it's only to prolong her life.

She can't walk without the assistance of her walker, and hasn't been able to for a few months (didn't find that out until she slipped up one day and told me)

she's weak, tired, and coughs non stop (blamed on dry air and humid air) She tells me I feel good, if only I could get this breathing under control.

I was home for 2 weeks. Things were going good. I decided to come home, but made her promise if she needed me she would call, even gave her a calling card. After all, while I am gone, there's only one paycheck coming in. My husband works nights, my son started school. I have responsibilities with my life now. But if money weren't an issue I'd be with my mother right now. The dr's have all numbers that I can be reached at.

Well since I left she's had more down days. her breathing has gotten really bad, she is tired more, and more weak. Couldn't get in touch with her for 3 days because she was too tired to answer her phone. She wasnt taking vistors becuase she was too tired. Which I can understand that.

I am just a wreck. She doesnt want to worry me with her problems. But if she only knew my stomach is probably a huge ulcer right now because I don't know if I should be there because things could turn really horrible. I don't know if I should contact the dr to make sure she is well aware of my situation as far as travel wise. If they call and need me home, it's not going to be a couple hours, more like eight by the time I go through customs (I am orgianlly from Canada) The last time I flew home three years ago, it took eight hours to get home.

My work is on notice. They know that if I get a call from anyone from the family or friends that feel I need to be home, I am gone. My husband knows that too.

I don't know if anyone out there can make things a little more clear with their experience of what could be in store.

she is not in any pain, so she says. I would think the dr's would if she was. She did mention that nurses have asked if she is in pain and she tells them no. "They are amazed I am not in pain." she says.

I am so confused, I am concerned, I am worried. I feel like I am being selfish for wanting to know these answers. I don't want to disrespect my mom. I don't want to make decisions for her if I don't have to. I don't want to invade her privacy. I am not the one going through all of this, she is. I don't even know how I can help her. What would help her? Me being there? Should I quit my job and move home and find a job back home so I can visit her in the hospital? Is she getting worse. Cause she is honestly not telling me anything. And I don't know if it's because she is not asking the questions that are rolling through my mind until 3 am. I know I can't keep doing this to myself. But it's hard when you go to sleep at night and yet another question pops into you head. Honestly I have not had a good night sleep since she called me and told me "if something happens to me it's not a sudden thing." She told a family friend that she was only going to give me information as needed. Is she still doing that, even though while I was home she promised to be honest with me? My stomach at this point in time is in about a million different knots.

how can I ask a question through her, when she is so weak she can only talk to me for one minutes before the coughing attacks come on? The first thing I ask her is "how are you feeling?" she says "I'd feel fine if I could get this breathing situation under control." and then the coughs start and she says "sweetie I gotta let you go." and then I manage to say "I love you mom." before I get dial tone.

What I want to do and what I can financially do are two different things.

Anyway maybe someone here can tell me if I am just wanting to know too much, if I am being a selfish person or if I have some valid concerns.

I must go now it's 2 am, and i have to be up at 6 am.

Thanks for listening. I apologize if this sounds rushed. If anyone wants I can explain more when I have a little more time to explain.

Thanks