Diep regrets...barely recognize who I have become

It has been a while since I have posted here.   I have spent a few days looking at all of the new posts from different categories , and all I can say is my heart bleeds for everyone!   When I started this journey in May 2013, I was a happy,  healthy,  very young for my age (45) woman who loved my career,  husband,  3 children, going to country concerts,  singing karaoke, cocktails with the girls,  etc...AND I WAS GOING TO KICK CANCER'S ASS!  Bilateral mastectomy was uneventful,  and reconstruction was the only option for me because I didn't want a daily reminder of what cancer took from me.   Against my husband's wishes,  my PS and I agreed the diep would be best due to my age,  and, hell, I could get my lower hanging stomach removed for free?   I was all in.   First came the constant tissue expander infections,  iv antibiotics at home, never ending drains any multiple surgeries for slipped te's.  With the help of the strong, encouraging women on this board,  I persevered until my Diep on Oct. 18.  A 17 hour surgery ( had to repair an unexpected hernia), I developed a pulmonary embolism within hours, and was placed in icu.  There,  I developed c diff, and my life hung in the balance.   5 days later,  I went to stepdown, where my urine tested positive for klebsiella ( a life threatening bacteria that caused ever one who entered my room to wear gowns and masks and will prevent me from ever sharing a room with anyone in a hospital for the rest of my life).  The assumption is I caught it from a catheter in icu.  My c diff gets worse and worse ( despite big gun antibiotics, both iv and enema), the pressure has blown my beautiful abdominal incision wide open.   I am one day from losing my intestine.   By some miracle,  my wbc goes down a little the next day and they hold off.  They actually discharge me a few days later to home nursing care and continue iv antibiotics.  I cried the whole way home because I was not ready.   Within a week,  my temp spikes and my home nurse is on the phone with doc. .. My abdominal wound is black and opened even more.   Back in the hospital for 42 days,  my wound is gaping and upon the first surgical debriedment, staph grows on the first culture.   More surgical intervention,  and now psuedenoma has grown in addition to staph.  Infectious disease doc expresses fear that the klebsiella may make its way in there,  too.  We can only hope for the best.   The next surgery proves our worst fears have come true.   It is the antibiotic resistant type of klebsiella,  so I will have surgery (full blown under anesthesia) every other day for a few weeks to try to scrape it out.   I ask the doc to be honest with me. . He says,  " Not everyone makes it through this. " A wound vac is added.   My family spends Thanksgiving with me in the hospital,  and we all have a lesson in being thankful that I am alive.   I am discharged in early December with a wound vac, a central line in my jugular, iv meds and home nursing care.  In late January,  my wound is finally closed surgically.   Due to my would being blown so far open,  there is not much skin to close.   So,  my vagina is pulled up super high and my belly button they created is pulled to the left and looks like a penis.   I am so weak,  it takes 2 hands to pull myself up the stairs. ..My calf muscles are gone.   Financially,  we are in danger of losing our house and health insurance,  bill collectors call constantly,  and everyone had already helped as much as they could (I will forever be grateful for all of the help).  I finally get off IV antibiotics in February,  and,  despite not being close to ready,  I return to work as an inner city school teacher to save our house and health insurance.   I have been unable to take tamoxifen because of the risk of blood clots and my bodies resistance to coumadin.   The shots (blood thinners) that I was giving myself became unbearable because they caused huge painful lumps in my abdomen that are still here months later.   Despite not having chemo,  my hair began falling out a few months ago and continues to do so.   I don't even have a third of my hair left.   Docs say it is my body's reaction to all of the trauma and multiple surgeries. .. there is nothing I can do.   My stomach is half numb, half painful.   I can't stand for anything to touch the area above the part of stomach removed.   Found 2 lumps in opposite breast (flap) in April, us revealed fat necrosis.   The area on my chest muscle is growing.   I am supposed to have surgery this summer to fix things and replace mesh from hernia that had to be removed to test for klebsiella.  I am too afraid and don't know what to do.   Appt with PS June 3rd.  I have not been able to take tamoxifen because of all the surgeries and risk of blood clots, so I have been completely unprotected since last May.   I finally found an onc that would shut down my ovaries with a shot.   My former onc ordered an LD blood test,  but I never had a baseline.   Results were 353, but high normal is 220.  New onc not concerned,  but said we will retest in future.   My legs/hips hurt when I walk after sitting,  and I mix up my words often.   My students correct me every day.   I am always worried about a recurrence or mets.  I am just utterly overwhelmed and often on the verge of tears.   I know we don't get do overs in this,  but I regret having the diep.  I wanted to avoid having a daily reminder,  but it caused me to have constant daily reminders.  Chronic pain, hair loss, gray hair (can't color it) fatigue, fat necrosis, no protection from cancer (due to blood clot risk), lumps in my abdomen, a completely foreign body, lack of intimacy with my husband. . It's been a year, financial ruin, depression and anxiety.  Thank you so much for those who have hung in and read this long winded vent session.   My friends and family do not understand on the level you could.   They think I should just be grateful to have "beat" cancer and to be alive and move on in my new normal.   I am grateful,  but my new normal is very hard to accept.   I am not half the woman I used to be.    F### cancer!

BTW, I DO NOT INTEND TO CHANGE ANYONE'S MIND ABOUT GETTING THE DIEP.  THERE ARE SURELY HUNDREDS OF GREAT STORIES FOR EVERY STORY LIKE MINE.  MINE IS VERY RARE.