Up and down and all around.....

Tang - I also did the 6*TAC protocol and it's effective, but geez it's brutal.  I also felt numb a lot.  Two of our beloved pets died during that time - the 19 year old cat died after the second tx, and the 20 year old dog died after  the 3rd.  I loved them both dearly, but when they died I never really "felt" their deaths and never really got a chance to grieve for them - I was just incapable of it.  

BTW, it was the 3rd TAC that kicked my butt the worst so I hear you on that one!

First, it does get better.  You're over halfway done - you just have two to go.  Feeling the way you feel now is NOT permanent. And who says that we have to be positive and strong all the time??   You're going through one of the most brutal chemo protocols there is - of course it's knocking you flat, physically and emotionally.  There's no "proper" way to feel, so however you feel is however you feel.  There's no rule that says we must be perky and inspirational all the time.  I sure wasn't.     

Secondly, are you getting in any exercise?  I wasn't able to do much during chemo, but I did try to at least get in a bit of walking each day. I couldn't do it every day - I have to admit there were a lot of days when all I could do was drag myself to work and back. But on the days when I could manage to get outside for a walk and a bit of fresh air, I always felt a little better and slept a bit better those nights.  Once chemo is done you'll be able to exercise again.  I won't kid you - it'll take time to get back to a reasonable level of fitness.  Before chemo I could do a good hard hour on the elliptical, but after chemo when I hopped on the elliptical for the first time, I lasted exactly 5 minutes before exhaustion set in - and I'd been going so slowly that machine kept blipping off!  But I kept at it, and now I'm able to exercise daily, and even ran a 10K last weekend.  I never could have imagined that I could do that when I was in the depths of chemo, but with a lot of hard work and persistence, it happened.  If you want some exercise encouragement, come on over to the Let's Post Our Daily Exercise thread - we have women in all stages of cancer treatment - some like you are still in active treatment, and for them a walk to the corner and back is a victory.  Others are years out of treatment and have active lives.  But at one point or another, all of us were where you are now, so we get it.  There's no judging - just fun and encouragement for whatever level you're at. https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/58

Third, have you told your onc what's going on?  If Celexa isn't doing it for you, maybe another med might.  Also, your onc may be able to recommend a therapist who has experience with cancer patients.

Finally, BCO is here for you!!  We all get how it is, so this is a safe place to vent.  I don't think I ever could have made it through treatment without this place and the wonderful women here. 

{{{tangandchris}}}

Tang - many hugs to you...be easy on yourself.  You've made it this far - one foot in front of the other.