My mother and our battle...

wynd
wynd Member Posts: 3
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
I'm new to the forums as well as sharing my personal life on the web. I'm at the point where I'm that desperate for an escape that is other than the people affected by my mother's cancer.

I feel that I am a bit cynical and sarcastic when it comes to this situation but honestly, I feel more drained and floating in the wind most of the time. I'm about 10 months away from graduating in a scientific major and I also have a disabled sibling who is 4 years younger than me--I'm 20 right now.

My mother was diagnosed about 2 months ago with breast cancer. She told me she was at stage 3 and she never saw it comming. She had the operation and everything and is going through chemo right now at about two weeks apart.

I honestly never thought my mom would get breast cancer because I never saw it as the option of something to affect our family. My family has never been a stable unit to begin with...from day one, my parents hardly got along once we moved from the city to the small town we live in now. They often talked about divorce and whatnot. Throughout the years they've kept me as the U.N diplomat to their problems. After being diagnosed and having the operation, my mother moved out and told me to not tell my father of her operation and plans of divorce. She even made me promise to keep it from my dad which I did not do because it wasn't RIGHT--he still cares for her because shes still his childrens' mother.

Earlier this year my father had a heart operation early this year that jiltted me and now my mom recieved news of her affliction. I'm at my wits end and I can't do the whole, stoic face and strong will thing for much long. I'm trying to me as strong as possible on all fronts not only for my mom but for myself but the more I do it, the more I just seem to get "lost". Both my parents want me to do something about the situation--her cancer, their divorce, college, my sibling, my boyfriend, my friends, the house mortgage, etc and I just don't know HOW to go about things anymore.

It's like they've kinda stumped a big fat wall in my path...I don't know how to go about this situation because I've never been in this situation...I feel powerless and almost at the point where I just want to jump out of a window to just let it all stop. I can't see a counselor at the moment because of my fulltime school schedule and demanding work hours.

It's like I sit up at night and wonder to myself--what did I do to make this happen to me--where did I go wrong in my life to make this all happen?

Logically, I KNOW none of this is my fault because none it was done by my hand. Logically I KNOW I can't do anything ex cept support my mom but its hard when she barrates me for not paying attention to her, when she tells me that I don't love her but that I love my dad more, or that I am inconsiderate or a cold hearted person. It's hurts when my parents both barrate me with accusations of how I don't make my mom the "priority" in my life. I know I SHOULD but what am I supposed to do besides what I am doing--calling my mom everyday, asking her how she is, helping her when I do see her, even telling her I love you at every beginning phone call and end of phone call...what else can I do.

I am majoring in a very demanding major that will eventually take me to a competative and demanding field--the video game industry. I have to stay up long hours, meet with team members, meet outside my time limits and whatnot and its' hard when my mother whom I know wants the best for me tells me to keep going to school--don't give up, please--shes says. It's hurtful to think she thinks that I am giving up when I am trying my hardest to stay on my game even with this situation.

I feel like no matter what I do--I am wrong and that I am a failure at everything--failure at keeping my family happy, at keeping my mom happy and feeling loved, at showing that I am considerate to everyone on this planet!

What else can I do? What else is there to do?
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Comments

  • bellavida
    bellavida Member Posts: 41
    edited July 2006
    Wynddar,

    First of all I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I was 19 and in college when my mom was initially diagnosed and know how challenging it can be to deal with the pressures of school, family issues and a sick parent.

    One of the things that I did that really helped me was contact the counseling center at my college. Seeing a counselor really helped just in terms of having someone to listen to me and be a sounding board. You might also look up what support groups are available in your area or at your university.

    It sounds like you are doing the best you can do in supporting your mom and your family. In my journey as a co-survivor I've slowly learned that it is really important to remember that my happiness and well being are of the upmost importance. Unless I take care of myself I cannot be of much support to anyone else. Take good care of you.

    Christina
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  • MIdb
    MIdb Member Posts: 27
    edited July 2006
    Wynddar, first of all, welcome! I'm sending you a hug! It sounds like you need one.

    I kinda know how you are feeling. My wife was diagnosed in Feb of 03 with Stage III bc. She started chemo in Mar. In May, just as she was at her worst, my dad went into the hospital (about 150 miles away). For a month, I bounced back and forth between ICU and onc visits. Dad died that June. But for that month, I wasn't sure why God was putting me through all of this. The only answer I ever got was "Trust me". Now, my wife is in Stage IV, and things are not looking good. It is tough. I know how hard it is to do my job, while worrying about my wife. I'm sure studying for classes is even more difficult. But Stage III is not the end of the world. Cancer treatment is tough, but many have lived normal lives afterwards.

    You need to recognize that there is only so much you can do. You cannot change the past, and cannot control the future. You can, however, control how you react. You will make it through this, and this place is a great place to get electronic hugs!
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  • cowgirl
    cowgirl Member Posts: 777
    edited July 2006

    First I agree you need a hug, second you are taking all of their things as your burden. The burden you have is to help them when you can, not to carry their load. Just love them, and it will be so much easier. I went through my parents divorce at 19, it was ugly. But life does go on, I promise!

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  • jgrjunque
    jgrjunque Member Posts: 47
    edited July 2006
    Quote:

    What else can I do? What else is there to do?


    Oh dearheart... it is NOT your job to make everything right for your terribly afflicted parents. There is an old adage that the parents' job is to give their children roots and wings. Yours have given you a ball and chain. They're the grownups. It's their job to take care of their problems.

    LOOK at what you're saying: "Both my parents want me to do something about the situation--her cancer, their divorce, college, my sibling, my boyfriend, my friends, the house mortgage, etc and I just don't know HOW to go about things anymore." THIS ISN'T YOUR JOB to fix all of these things. Their demands are simply unreasonable.

    You can't make them happy; you're probably never going to be able to satisfy them. So please... please... go do what really is YOUR job: learn to live your life and to live free of what are really truly unreasonable emotional demands.

    Please get some counselling to try to put your life into real perspective. Finding 45 minutes here and there will take much less time out of your schedule and your life than a major breakdown because you've taken on the emotional job of being a parent to your parents.

    Trust me on this one: been there, done that and paid the price. NOTHING is worth ruining your life and your mental health over. And you know what? When you're not fixing their problems for them, they will learn to fix them for themselves.

    Please... get some help to break free of this. And best of luck to you.
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  • wynd
    wynd Member Posts: 3
    edited July 2006
    OMG,

    thank you, thank you to those who responded. Alot of what you guys are saying is what I have heard from my friends but it's really good to get opinions from others who can just look in, but have been there. Like really been there.

    I guess, I never looked at is as that I've let my parents essentially become my children. I guess all I can do, is live life huh?

    There are no easy routes...and thats the difficult thing to me.

    I really appriciate what everyone has said that has posted. It's cliche to say, 'wow, I'm not alone.' but it's so true.

    I think I will try to make that effort to see a counselor to help me along the road.

    Thank you all...
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  • jgrjunque
    jgrjunque Member Posts: 47
    edited July 2006
    Quote:

    I think I will try to make that effort to see a counselor to help me along the road.


    Good for you!

    Seriously, nobody is saying to turn your back on your parents. They're yours, you love them. But you need to turn your back on their unreasonable demands. There's a big difference between the two (though I warn you: your parents won't see the difference, or won't want to), and a counsellor can really help you find a fair and safe balance so you can live your life.

    Best of luck to you, and come back any time you need a boost.
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  • normie45
    normie45 Member Posts: 11
    edited August 2006
    wynddar, good luck, I really hope you get some help and advice in your situation. I was the go-between for my parents when I was 14, and that was with healthy parents. Counselling wasn't invented then, so make the most of it now, it could really help you.

    You have to feel confident and happy in yourself to be able to cope with the enormous task you are facing at such a young age.

    Good luck and best wishes to you, I would be proud to have you as a daughter.

    Best wishes to both your parents too, it must be a scary time for all of you, but there are lots of friendly and helpful people here, you're not alone.

    Take care, thinking of you
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  • wynd
    wynd Member Posts: 3
    edited August 2006
    wow, thanks for posting. I didn't even think people stil responded to this post. Well, thank you for the kind words.

    I am in the midst of seeking out a counseler. I hope that it turns out well.

    Again, thank you so much.
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  • jz20022001
    jz20022001 Member Posts: 480
    edited August 2006
    Sorry you are going through such a rough time. I know exactly what you are going through. My mother died at age 50 (two months after I was married.) My dad was doing consulting work in England. My new husband and I moved in with three of my brothers for two months. I was working full-time and also working on MBA classes after work. It was a nightmare. My brothers resented the fact that I told them I refused to do everything; they would all have chores to do. I still get flak about that and it's 28 years later!

    You need to focus on your schoolwork and try to be supportive when you can. It's tough to be in that position.

    Catherine
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