Husband question

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Kjones13
Kjones13 Member Posts: 1,520
edited June 2014 in Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
Husband question
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  • Kjones13
    Kjones13 Member Posts: 1,520
    edited March 2014

    I had my unilateral mastectomy in October 2013. The plan was to have a delayed recon, but now I'm not sure if I want to take more time away from my family. That being said, I think my husband would find me more appealing if I did have the surgery. He has never said one way or another and he never will because he is awesome. I just have noticed little clues like he doesn't take my shirt off anymore while we are messing around. He doesn't look at me when I get undressed to get in the shower. Maybe I am reading him wrong. We have been through so much hell these last 18+ months. I know he is tired, frustrated with my health, etc. I feel like he deserves to at least have some boobs to play with with all that I have put him through! :) I'm 35 so I'm not ready to give up on my sex life just yet. Anyone else have thoughts or experiences similar? He is a very kind man. He is just hard to read about some things.

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited March 2014

    Hello Kjones!

    I wonder if you are able to talk about this with your Husband? I can understand the feelings of frustration and fatigue, It's a huge life changer, all this surgery and treatment stuff, and it can leave some men in a quandary about what is going to be the norm, after everything settles down. There is the fear of hurting you and maybe you really don't want to reveal your chest, like you used to. It's uncharted territory, and unless you can both get all your feelings and opinions out there, it can cause problems down the track, that could be averted, because each of you are surmising what the other wants.

    I am a much older woman than you, but my Husband, who is also awesome:), and I have discussed everything to do with this journey, and although it was ultimately my decision, I took all of his opinions into consideration. In my case, I chose not to reconstruct, but my Husband was right behind that decision, because he didn't want me to have more surgery if it could be avoided. Had I wanted to reconstruct he'd have supported that too.

    I was concerned that things may change a bit, because of my changed appearance and I even bought pajamas to wear after the surgery, I had always been a "knickers only" sleeper. After the first awkward reveal, of my Umx, I realized that nothing had really changed, he said "Oh wow, that will heal really well! and "You don't need 2 boobs to be gorgeous!" that was it, the new pajamas went to the local Opp Shop. 

    I know this is sounding very simplistic, there is obviously stuff that we all have to work through in our relationships, but keeping it light and keeping the lines of communication open, is very important. 

    I have discovered a positive in being a Uni, I can snuggle much closer and can feel his heart through my flat side:) ........Just saying!

    I wish you both, all the very best for the future. You'll do what's right for both of you!   Be kind to each other!

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  • crystalphm
    crystalphm Member Posts: 1,138
    edited March 2014

    It is something worth thinking about. While my husband is completely supportive of me being flat, I have noticed when I wear foobs, he always compliments how great I look, and I don't believe he is doing this on purpose, men are just hard wired to appreciate breasts.

    One huge question you both have to face is : would fake breasts be a turn on for him? My husband and I looked at all reconstruction photos online and he decided he did not find them attractive or sexy. So that ends that discussion.

    My husband also does not remove my top and he does not look at me when I am undressing, and I think, to be gut-honest, there is nothing to see. Nothing sexy, nothing to pause to look at like before. That said, we still have a fantastic sex life, not the same, different, but great.

    you are younger than me, think about all that is involved, and especially if he is attracted to the recon look....and be kind to yourselves...do what is right for the two of you.


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  • Rosiesride
    Rosiesride Member Posts: 513
    edited April 2014

    I am currently in the midst of deciding between keeping lumpectomy or doing bmx with reconstruction.   My husband is very supportive and did not want to " sway" my decision making.   I finally told him I need your help and input...long story short, that discussion took a huge weight off my shoulders and added pieces of information to help me in my decision...e.g. He wouldn't like "fake" and that's not important to him.  SOOO, do have that conversation with him and tell him to be honest with you...my husband didn't want to say the wrong thing or sway my decision....but our conversation really was an eye opener for me!  Even after 30 years of marriage, that man is full of surprises!   Good luck to you!

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  • Ariom
    Ariom Member Posts: 6,197
    edited April 2014

    Hi Rosieride, Kjones hasn't been back since the original post in March, so there probably won't be any action on this thread!

    Welcome! I see you are new here. I hope you enjoy the interaction of the boards. Just take a quick look at the dates on threads you are interested in. Sometimes they are old ones.

    Take care and I'll see you on the boards!

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  • Kjones13
    Kjones13 Member Posts: 1,520
    edited April 2014

    I am here. I read everything. Sometimes I don't post. I actually had an appt with a plastic surgeon today, but canceled. I think I'm just going to wait a year and see what's going on then. Still need to talk to hubby more.

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  • amygil81
    amygil81 Member Posts: 165
    edited May 2014

    One common pattern after mastectomy is that the husband/bf is afraid to touch his spouse/partner for fear of hurting her. The woman, feeling mutilated already from having her breast removed, interprets this as lack of interest, and feelings spiral downwards. I'm not saying for sure that this is what you have, but it does happen a lot.

    One possible way to break the cycle is for the woman to take the initiative. It can be hard just after losing a breast, when fear of rejection is high. But it can be quite effective.

    I met my current bf some years after my cancer surgeries. When we were ready to start being intimate, I invited him to shower with me first. Sharing my scars in the nice warm water, inviting him to touch me even with my body-altering operations, was a great way to start becoming close. You might want to try this and see how it works for you.

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  • crystalphm
    crystalphm Member Posts: 1,138
    edited May 2014

    Amygil81, very amazing thing to do....I applaud your courage and honesty!

    My husband admitted the fakes were not to his liking after we looked at photos...so my decision to remain flat was an easy one.

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  • grammakathy
    grammakathy Member Posts: 407
    edited May 2014

    I wanted reconstruction for my own self image - not huge replacements but something that would show under my clothes.  After my tissue expanders were in place, I took his hands and placed them on my TEs with their small bumps.  He said that he didn't want to hurt me. I assured him that it didn't hurt and we have been fine ever since!

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