Very SEVERE Reaction to Empty Nest -- HELP ?!!

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ByFaith
ByFaith Member Posts: 270
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I know (logically) this isn't a severe problem. I know so many others are suffering badly here and elsewhere. Something new has come up that I can't begin to cope with. I'm consumed with even more severe depression to the point this problem is all consuming. My psych and psychologist (both awesome) know, but nothing seems to help in the slightest. I've been on clonazepam, antidepressants for a long time, and Femara, then Arimidex the last 4 years; antidepressant adjustment no help. I feel help needs to come from me, and I can NOT get over this -- and I try so hard!! It feels as shocking as my initial DX of BC. Please don't laugh or judge this severe issue to me. I know others have it worse. :-(

My crisis? I can't BEAR the idea my 22-y/o daughter (and only child) may be leaving and going far away. I had severe issues w/ empty nest during her college years and was DX'd w/ BC her freshman year. She's since graduated, but I never resolved the empty nest until she moved back home. Now she's getting her Master's locally and living at home for about one more year. 

My crisis? My daughter, only child, broke up with her college boyfriend and has been dating more recently. She began dating an apparently great Army dental student several days ago. We've yet to meet him. He has (appropriately) fallen hard for her and she likes him, too. She says she's not in love, but they get along so great I feel it's just a matter of time because I know her. He's asked her rather serious questions in just over a week and they graduate the same time. I'm extremely close to her and feel this could lead to proposal in one year. I don't believe she's dated others as much as she should, but it's her decision. She's not exclusive and there is one other guy she is set to date this week (blind date, but likes him on texting). 

The Army dental student has 4 years of active duty starting summer 2015. He's from a career military family (Army brat), parents now retired in a neighboring state. His sister went through the same program and is deployed overseas one year ahead of him. He will request his residency across the country and then has 3-4 more active years of service, probably desiring far overseas w/ his sister. 

I have NO family living except hubby and daughter; all my family died before my college years. My brother died when I was 7 and counseling has never erased the scar of all my sudden losses. My hubby and daughter are the loves of my life. I'm disabled and can't work. The idea my daughter could possibly marry a career Army man has me in a severely depressed and hopeless state. I'm happy if she's happy, but yes, I must be selfish. I don't want to be, but I need her at least near to me. Hubby and daughter remind me they've only been dating a few times, but I know my daughter, and they also texted at length for a month before meeting and dating and got along great even then.

Daughter knows I'm traumatized at the idea of her moving so far away; she herself said if they got serious Army service beyond 4 years OR overseas is a deal breaker for her. I've spoken about it with her in a non-selfish way, but each time I fall apart and cry. She said she should just break it off now, but I know she wants to at least see what the future holds with him. 

I can't be happy with her near me IF she's not happy and absolutely don't want her to resent me if she were to not pursue further dating w/ him. Yet I also know she's beautiful inside and out and many men in our large city want to date her. I do believe she should date more, but again, not my life. 

I told her yesterday her to follow her heart and I couldn't be happy if she wasn't happy, but I'm sure she knows how much I need her and that I'm hiding my internal struggle. She also knows I want her happy.

How wrong am I to want her to date more (she's only had one college boyfriend) and to date a local man? I am trying SO HARD to reconcile her seriously dating an Army officer, but I know I won't change. She knows I'm disabled from working, don't fly, and hubby and I are on very modest incomes. I truly *hate myself* for my reaction to this, but felt if she falls hard for him it was too late to bring up then. I never told her "no" to anything (she's grown now), but she knows my SEVERE struggle with this. She's asked me and seen me emotional and crying. She absolutely insisted to know why I was sad, even when I was "hiding" it. 

Hubby and I are almost 60 and I don't want to live out my years like this. Someone, PLEASE HELP ME with this. Daughter still sweet w/ me, but hasn't discussed Army dental student & been too busy to date this week. My psych and psychologist know and I see them again soon, but I know this is MY battle. Hubby says I'm overreacting after just 3 dates, but daughter told me about the dates and I know Army dentist is serious. He's wanted to see her every night since first meeting, but she's only gone on 3 dates. I walk around sad and fake normal when daughter is around. I pray to God, yet I'm still so sad it's crippling ... and had been (medicated) depressed and anxious before. 

Hubby and I near 60 years old. With no one else in my life but him and daughter, I need some words of guidance from my BC sisters. Even if she dated and moved out of state, we might be able to move by her. Career Army or 3-4 years overseas, however, I just can't deal with that. She doesn't want career Army or overseas either; at most 4 years in the US, then stability. 

I don't need her as a caregiver for me, but I do need her near me for her LOVE & her SUPPORT so badly. It's HER I love, not any person near me. I know this seems minimal to so many, but I have no one but her & hubby & being disabled, one friend, mainly phone. Friends aren't enough. I want my daughter near me somewhat locally. I'm trying SO HARD and acting brave, and I'm not doing well at all. Psych support is top notch, but even pastoral counseling doesn't help. I can't bear for her to move far. Help please, please ! :-(

Sorry for long message. My love to you all. XO

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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited April 2014

    I think as the losses pile up each one get more and more difficult. My DD recently graduated and is talking about a move to another state. My son already lives there. DD has a very serious relationship with the second guy she has ever dated. He is great, but now that she has moved to her own place she spend most of her time off with him so we don't see her very much. She is the baby of the family so letting go of her is hard. But let go we must. She has to figure out her own life. Sadly our old relationship is gone. Our goal is to raise them to be self-sufficient and independent. Now we have to trust they'll know what is right for them. 

    Our son moved to VT right out of college. This is a full day's plane ride away. I hated it at first but in the four years he and his wife were there we saw them often. It was a very good thing for them to break away. They are their own family unit now. We have accepted it. Our relationship is excellent. We don't have huge quantities of time together, but we have great quality time.

    She is always going to be your baby. You've done a good job raising her. Trust her to know what is best. She'll always love you. Gentle hug.

    PS I have four rescue dogs - that's how well I'm dealing with things! It is nice to have someone who needs me!

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  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited April 2014

    Thank you, farmerlucy. I truly see the logic and truth in what you're saying, but am emotionally so weak and also disabled with a chronic illness and don't know how to get your strength. I see what you say. I just can't get there. I hate myself for being so weak. I only have my husband and we can't travel like that. I'm not resisting help!  I'm just saying I see the truth and can't get to that point. I lost my whole birth family so very young and always looked forward to an extended family of my own to surround me in my older years, too.

    I know it is selfish, but I need her. Between my permanent disability and other issues, I just can't deal with this. If I must, and I realize it's not within my control, it's more than I can bear. I've given this so much deep thought. I get what you say. I want to be in your place. I hate myself for this. 

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  • ziggypop
    ziggypop Member Posts: 1,071
    edited April 2014

    Hi Faith, 

    I am sorry that you are feeling so scared and sad. Sometimes it helps me to think about just today - how are things right now? If we start to pile up the future possibilities of things that we are afraid will happen on top of what we are dealing with today, then it's easy to be overwhelmed.It can be hard to live in the moment - but what a wonderful thing that you have you DD near you now, that is something you don't want to miss enjoying. Maybe it would be a good idea to schedule some 'fun time' with her for one day this week - something that you like to do with her, sort of a means of concentrating on the 'now'. Again, I am sorry that you're feeling so down.

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  • LittleMelons
    LittleMelons Member Posts: 273
    edited April 2014

    ByFaith - I sympathize with you and your anxiety over your daughter leaving.  I am also having empty nest issues, but am gradually coming to terms with them.  I also had early parental losses (mother died when I was 8 and father was largely absent) and doted totally on my twin sons.  When they wanted to go away to university I was having panic attackes, and when they decided to stay at home for their education, was so thankful.  I just never wanted them to move out!!  They are now 32 and have both recently married and bought homes outside our city, so it's a major expedition to go to see them.  I miss them so much!!

    However, as farmerlucy said, we brought our children up to be self-sufficient and independent.  You should feel proud that you have done such a good job in raising your daughter.  My advice would be that, instead of fighting her leaving home, you focus on ways of dealing with it if she does move away.  For example, you could put money aside to subsidize her coming home to visit at regular intervals.  She loves you and will want to come to visit.  You can also get Skype and talk to her while viewing her on the screen as often as you like.  Maybe you could get a pet or arrange for more social interaction with people you know.  It is especially hard as she is your only child, but should she move away, you would adapt better than you are imagining now.  I think these empty nest feelings are a sort of grieving for the loss of the closeness we have had with our children, but it is the natural order of things for them to become independent and have families of their own.  What if your daughter wanted to stay with you forever?  You would probably worry about that more and wonder why she wouldn't want a life of her own.  Bug hugs to you. 

     


     

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  • sheila888
    sheila888 Member Posts: 25,634
    edited April 2014

    Faith..I sent you a PM

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  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited April 2014

    ziggypop -- Great point not to worry about future possibilities (not even plans) while literally robbing myself of some of my "now" time with her. I do spend lots of time with her now, but every moment spent worrying, depressed or sad takes away from the increased joy I'd have if I wasn't so troubled about future possibilities. I do feel the Arimidex exacerbates my reaction, but it's the best fit for me as AIs go. 

    LittleMelon -- I've thought of many of the great things you suggested, LittleMelon, and they help. The one I didn't think of was how sad I'd be if she were much older and living at home! I'm trying to further myself by knowing I'd never be happy if she were near and not happy, not to mention resentful or bitter. I would feel I failed as a mother. 

    I believe in God and I pray to him. Sure wish I'd hear him talk back, but I'm so thankful he listens. I am extremely disappointed in myself for this extreme reaction and want so much to not feel that way. 

    Thank you, my sisters, for replying AND getting through my " novel" of a message. Hugs to you !!

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited April 2014

    Faith, I am so sorry that you are feeling so blue. I have an only child too. I am so happy that he has grown into a fine, independent young man; but it is certainly a bitter-sweet thing to let go.  You really do have to let children follow their hearts, or else you do put a barrier between you and them. And, I have found, that it is easier to do that when I have a full life of my own.

    I have a couple thoughts. First of all, 60 is not at all old!!!! You should have a long life ahead of you, so the question is will can you do to make it as interesting and fulfilling as possible? What are some interests you have? Have you always wanted to learn how to paint, speak German, do gourmet cooking? Sign up for a class. If you are doing interesting things, you don't have as much time to sit and around and be sad. Join the church choir, or quilters, or prayer chain, volunteer at a nursing home or school....if you are doing things for others, that makes you feel better too. Do you exercise? Exercise, along with boosting your physical health, does wonders for one's emotional health. It doesn't have to be intense, a walk around the block is a good place to start, if your disability makes that hard, hospital fitness centers and most gyms have trainers who can help you develop a program that would fit your needs.

    I hope that some of these thoughts are helpful to you and wish you all the best. Ruth

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  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited April 2014

    Ruthbru .... I haven't visited here for a while and there you are! Like an angel, you seem to always be helping so many of us! By the way, you look beautiful in your new photo. 

    Thanks for all the suggestions. My psychologist is helping me to get the emotional and physical strength to try much of what you suggested. My deep depression is a hurdle, but I do feel especially well when I help others or on days I can exercise. I do a really good job at hiding my depression from my family. You'd never know it from what I said. But yes, I did cry in front of DD. Not a good move, but we're past that now. 

    You're so right. Putting a barrier in front of your child will not only make them resent you, but will make them unhappy. DD and I had an incredible talk today and it went very well. We're both more at peace now. As long as she is happy, I can deal with anything. 

    Good to see your smiling face again! I haven't been online for a while. Sending you hugs. xo

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited April 2014

    Keep coming back! We will give you a hug, or a kick in the butt.....or both .


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  • RMlulu
    RMlulu Member Posts: 1,989
    edited April 2014

    ByFaith - empty nest, only child...get it, but almost 60 is not old!

    As I approached retirement, empty nest, only child's marriage, I knew I wanted to start an adventure and wanted to live in a planned active adult community.  My grandparents and mom did and it was too much fun,

    So I moved 1,225 miles away...yes I miss my only child, but it's his time for family and my time to recreate myself...I volunteer 3-4 days a week, belong to a church, attend a life group which is my family, and exercise 4 days a week.  I walk with neighbors and put a sign out once a week that says Tea Time...and the ladies know to come over for fun.  Or we rotate a Cheers onThursday nights...active adult community.  Many ideas for fun...raise a guide dog for the blind or other service dog,  visit shut ins, help at MOPS they need season women to mentor, serve at a soup kitchen, read at the library, mentor or take in an international student, be an aid for a Sunday school class, teach at a jail, learn to dance or play an instrument or take singing lessons,  check out senior hostel trips, find your spiritual gift and give... 

    Then take a computer class and learn to FaceTime or Skype...get your camera out take pics and use shutterfly to make books, join Facebook just to read your daughters posts and feel like you are part of each moment:))). 

    We raise our sweet only kids to be strong confident loving adults with so much potential...the hardest part is letting them go...bloom...grow and flourish!  They always keep us in their hearts and share...

    Best Wishes as you reinvent and rediscover yourself, the man you fell in love with and married, and encourage your daughter to be all and more as she takes your love and plays it forward!

    (((Hugs)))

    Cindy

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  • ByFaith
    ByFaith Member Posts: 270
    edited April 2014

    Thanks for the great advice (and hugs) Cindy. I can see from the replies I gave the wrong impression when I said I was nearly 60 and said "live out my years." I consider myself young, especially in spirit, and meant in this time of my life I'd like to spend the rest of my life, among other things, with DD, her future husband, and any grandkids, closer to our home. Yikes, if I thought nearly 60 was old, I'd be visiting here in a bucket of tears! ;-)

    I envy your retirement living...wow! Makes me want to be your neighbor. How much fun!! 

    One unfortunate impediment in my accomplishing most of what you suggested -- at this time -- is my significant disability. I would never use it as any excuse, instead, I've fought it (blessed with the very best of physicians) for almost two decades. There is no cure, but I hope for remission or, frankly, a miracle. In the meantime, I have to decide what I'm able to do and what I'm not, and I'm one stubborn fighter! 

    When I'm well enough for activities, my family is usually first in line, but I do have other gifts to give on my "off" days. It's ironic that when I look at my life, BC has (fortunately) been a very shocking pit stop, but my other illness never ends. I say this all not to make excuses, because I always look for ways to fight my disability, but rather so people understand why I'm depressed and why I'd want family company nearby. 

    Still, I agree with you completely. I do want DD to be happy and somewhat close to home, but should her dream life take her elsewhere, I will definitely adjust. I've never held her back in life and hope I didn't give that impression. I'm so intensely proud of her and who she has become! 

    Thank you for all the inspiration!  xo

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited April 2014

    I want to be Cindy's neighbor too! Sounds like a blast.

    We ARE very lucky to be living in the age of instant communication. I often wonder how the immigrant & pioneer women stood it when they went off, or sent their children, off into the unknown not knowing if they ever would see, or even hear from them again!

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