Family Matters

TB90 · April 2014

I just finished treatment, feel great physically, and now am ready to move on. Everyone in my life has been terrific except for one person . . . my sister. This makes me so sad. I last spoke with her at Xmas just after having surgery to let her know that the surgery went well. I expressed my hope that I had a very early stage breast cancer and also expressed my fear that the final pathology report could have surprises. I have not heard from her since. Also, when I notified my family about my breast cancer, I emailed them together as I was so upset (for some reason telling my siblings was the hardest part of all of this)and she waited for six days to contact me. I am in shock and despair over her lack of (apparent) concern. She is no wallflower, believe me. She is more of a bear in a china shop, so I cannot imagine that she is too upset to deal with this. Regardless, I am her "little" sister and she needs to do what it takes to be there. I am so damn mad, hurt, sad, etc. As a social worker, I could be so clinical about this and explain her behavior as concern, anxiety, whatever. But right now I just want to be justified in being mad. And then I want to move on. Your wise words will be very welcome.

TB90 · April 2014

I posted this late last night so will bump it now and hope for some responses

MelissaDallas · April 2014

i'm so sorry this is happening to you. I adore my little (20 months younger) sister, and she and I are each other's biggest fans. I can't imagine how much that must hurt.

lovewins · April 2014

TB I really don't know why your sister is behaving this way and it is really sad. I know my older brother reached out to me when it first happened and I post recipes on hid fb and I feel ignored because he doesn't acknowledge me or them. I am trying to figure out the same thing and I feel too needy to just come out and ask. Were you close to your sister before this? I was thinking for myself maybe the BC has changed me and I want to be closer to my brother but I guess he does not feel the same? I don't know honestly, but you are not alone. BC can be very lonely. Hugs to you.

NancyHB · April 2014

TB - I am so sorry you're going through all of this hurt and pain and lack of support from your family members. It seems those we often expect the most of, let us down the hardest. As a clinical SW I quickly learned that my knowledge and experience helped me understand they WHY of what those around me were doing (their own guilt/shame/fear/etc.), but not the HOW of what they did (I thought they loved me!!)

I am the oldest of three sisters. My middle sister has lived in Alaska for almost 17 years (we're in Michigan) and she can only afford to visit every 7 or 8 years or so. After many years as an active alcoholic and addict, she now practices harm reduction and in many ways is doing very well. Shortly after I started chemo, my family decided to "surprise" me with a visit from said sister. It really was an glorious moment, to be surprised with a visitor from 3,000 mile away, knowing how expensive it was for her to visit, and it boosted my spirits more than anything else had. We stayed up all night talking. We connected the next day by phone (she stayed with my parents) where she told me she was going out on a beer run, and would be by to visit me later in the day. A few hours later none of us had heard from her, and we started to worry. Very long story short - she left. Hopped a train to Chicago, traded in her plane ticket for a new one, and went home. She left me when I needed her the most - and not out the front door, but by crawling out the bathroom window when no one was looking (metaphorically, of course). Eventually she admitted that she couldn't handle seeing me sick; she was afraid I would die; she made me face her own failings and fears; she hated me for being sick; she loved me for loving her when no one else did. I realized - none of it had anything to do with me. It really was all about her.

And yeah, whatever, we learn that shit as SWers and we can apply it to our clients, but it's more difficult if not impossible to apply it to ourselves. But it forced me to really understand, to grasp and hold on to, the fact that while I was battling this cancer, this disease, this miserable crap, whatever everyone around me did and said was all about them. None of it was about me - none of it. And I had to take time to grieve for the realization that my needs, my expectations of those around me couldn't be met by them. If they were half as afraid of my dying as *I* was, then I can forgive them for what they did. I haven't quite forgotten what's happened, and it still hurts on some days. Those I needed the most often let me know the hardest; I think their fear got in the way of their love.

*hugs* to you. I'm so, so sorry that your sister has chosen this time to be absent, when you need her most; hopefully she will understand the pain this makes you feel. But mostly, I wish you peace and comfort so your body (and soul) can heal.

Blessings to you.

MrsDarcy · April 2014

Hi TB As you know, I am going through the same thing as you. And this weekend my sister flipped on me after chasing me down to deal with HER stuff (I was at a party for a gf of mine).

But I am not here to compare notes with you - but to tell you how I am dealing with it. I have tried to be the good big sister, be there for her, listen to her, guide her. But when she wasn't (and still isn't) there for me during my cancer fight (or anything else for that matter) .. I realized that NOBODY is more important in her books than herself.

But I am more important in MY books. I come first in MY life and I intend to be here a long time - for my sons, my poochies, my folks, etc.. My sister CHOOSES to be the person she is - and I CHOOSE to be the person that will not let her knock me down.

If your sister isn't there for you - then you have the choice of moving on (as you mentioned above). It doesn't make you less of a person, or a sister .. it makes you stronger as an individual, as a person. And it doesn't mean you don't have to deal with her or her stuff - it just gives you resolve to be the stronger person (for yourself) and stick to the decision you make. Geez girl - you just fought a big fight - how much tougher can you be ?

You get to CHOOSE how you let people affect you - and in all honesty, if people can't deal with us, or our situations (BC), then it's their loss (and their choice).

My sister went for a mammogram a few weeks ago after finding a lump. When I texted her afterwards (she met MY surgeon) to see how it went, her reply was "Everything is fine - no BC - now I get to move on and live my life". I nearly fell off my chair. My sister sunk herself in my books at that very moment.

TB - it's not easy - I know. I have days when I speak to my sister and it's like we were little kids - all is good in the world. But that's only because it suits her - and is "about her" at that time.

You are justified in feeling mad - upset - down right P'd off - but after that's all done, remember that only YOU can let her make you feel that way. You have won a huge fight - one that you will keep fighting for a few years like the rest of us - and you have YOU to be proud of.

Nobody can take that away from you and although it's not easy, I do hope you find the "off" button and let your sister take a backseat in your life and mind .. I know it's not easy .. believe me. Surrounding yourself by people who care is the best alternative .. we can not change who our sisters are or how they behave, but we do not have to accept their behavior in our lives either!

I am sending you huge huge ((hugs)) and you can always message me if you would like.

MD

TB90 · April 2014

Thank you all so very much. I can't see for tears right now. You are my sisters xoxox

mz_mes · April 2014

Big congratulations on finishing your treatments. I'm sorry your sister didn't respond with warmth and support you needed. I don't have any sisters but it seems natural to me that you would expect support from her. I'm sure this disappointed you very much. With my brothers unless I specifically ask them for something concrete they'd never reach out and contact me. If I asked they'd come by with a truck to move a piece of heavy furniture for me but they would never think to call me to chat. I think we tend to keep our assigned roles with our siblings. For me that is as an older more responsible sibling who took care of the younger ones. I hope you have dear friends and other family members who support you emotionally. We are here for you virtually, with understanding and a big hug! Best wishes to you as you move ahead.

B_kicks_C · May 2014

TB90 I feel your pain and struggle with how to handle a sister who makes me having cancer way harder then it is...as if it isn't hard enough. My clinical side knows we are very different, always have been and we have always struggled even to maintain a relationship. Our mother was DX with BC just a when she was our age....I was present for her entire journey home...my sister missed it all even while still living at home. Fast forward to my diagnosis...I thinking maybe this is what it will take for her to join the living and face her demons if I encourage her to be apart of this with me....Nope...she is judge mental of my choices, can't be counted on to show for things, she can only manage to have conversation about superficial things like the weather and her job, I have to be extra careful not to say anything that might upset her as she is very upset and worried her sister has cancer...she is anything from helpful and takes so much energy. I have never had much of a relationship with my family since my parents passed...but suddenly they all love me and want to be a part of my life..she even gets upset that my friends go to my appts and treatments nor has any idea what is really happening with me....but tell me this is a time people need their family....but I have my family...the family I created when mine was wasn't there...so I try to leave the door open for her and the rest of them so they can get whatever they need to feel better, but I get what I need from somewhere else and just try not to let their worry and sad viewpoint effect me...it's EXHAUSTING!!!

Kayce234 · June 2014

tb90 - I just found this post and I hope that things have gotten better for you. As bkicks said " I feel your pain and struggle with how to handle a sister who makes me having cancer way harder then it is...as if it isn't hard enough". My sister and her family made my walk through cancer extremely difficult and continue to today 3 yrs later - she's even pulled in the rest of my family. My sister has even forbid me from posting anything about her on this site - like that is going to happen if I need support for what she does I'm coming here to get it! I will tell you this - you are stronger than them and you will see you have truly loving and caring people around you who you had no idea you were so close to. It's true you do have family - they may not be related by blood but is that really important anyway, I don't think so, I think what is important are the people in your life who love you for you, who call you out to your face and not behind your back, who give you what you need and not what they want, who support you and lift you up and not beat you down.
Stay strong and keep fighting - cancer can't take us down and certainly bad family can't either....<3

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