How exactly to ask for support from others?

Kayla23 · March 2014

How do you ask for help and who do you ask for help when you really need it? What do you do if your own family isn't the support you need (what if they are going through their own struggles which they can't get past). I recently had surgical biopsy and did not really get rest because of this.

Bounce · March 2014

Hi Kayla23

My answer would be ask anyone you can and as for the how - its easier said than done - but just asking people outright what you would like them to do works best.

e.g. - "Insert Husband's name here" please help me and buy the groceries today. Here is a list of things we need.

e.g. - "Insert Child's name here" please help me and empty the dishwasher / make me a sandwich / tidy up your toys (choose only 1 at a time making sure it is age appropriate).

Mothers, Fathers, Siblings, Friends, Neighbors, Relatives, Co-workers. Church group. ANYONE. Just tell them what you need done and ask if they can help. People are more than often happy to help if they know how to and everyone is different - we need to let the people around us know what we need by saying it plainly and nicely.

If you feel there is seriously no help available please ask your MO to refer you to a social worker or cancer therapist.

Rest is sometimes vital to recovery and everyone needs/wants some support.

Hope this helps and doesn't sound too preachy.

Holeinone · March 2014

Kayla,

Did friends offer to make meals? Do you have small kiddos that need playdates? Hard to know excatly what you needed that was not taken care of. When I had my surgery and then chemo, friends & family brought food over. Very sweet, but actually was more stressful than helpful. I had to visit with the well wishers, get there casseroles pans back. I could not eat, very little & only what sounded good. I was so sick and it drove my husband crazy.

I have friends that I can call, but for me, I wanted to be left alone.

Kayla23 · March 2014

I do have a young child. One of my friends did take her for a play date which was helpful. I was able to get a nap. But my husband is going through his own crazy stress at work and life in general (plus both child and husband can be strong willed and they have arguments - and my husband and I don't always agree on how to deal with it). I had a talk with him and I think it could get better, but if it doesn't I'll talk to my therapist. I also have to plan on asking friends/family in advance for help. So hard to do but necessary! Thanks for your responses!

Kayla23 · April 2014

Things are a little better now - I opened up to another relative who helped me focus on a few things that I need to do, like get cleaning help and help with shopping. It makes a difference.

Bounce · April 2014

Please see Private Message

SheChirple · April 2014

Kayla: I had hard time accepting help, let alone asking for it. I have had so many procedures, I have shut my eyes to the untidy house, and had husband and children fend for themselves. But, there are things that must get done. I finally came around.

Make a list of what needs to be done. Put a little star next to what you can do. Ask hubby to help you arrange help with the others.

nsttours · April 2014

I'm a single mom recovering from bilateral mastectomy post op 12 days. My daughter, age 19, moved back home to save money just before the lumpectomy in February, and has helped immensely with transportation, getting groceries and prescriptions. At home, it's another story...my 14 year old son has done some things, mainly I have tell him over and over to do what he is suppose to do daily (arg.) My 24 yr old, who moved his wife and son back to Washington before leaving for a 1 year tour in Korea never even called to see how I was doing (?) I know everyone's busy, but geez. I scheduled the surgery so my son would be here and would also be able to help. I have asked friends to help out. Some brought food over, which is very helpful...though I have said how I could use help with cleaning, laundry, etc. No one seems willing to do these things. They all say, "just let me know"...which I already let all my friends know "I need help with dishes, laundry, taking the dog out, and possibly rides to upcoming appointments"...No one has been reliable, although I can always call that exboyfriend, who will always want an opportunity to get close (LOL-ARG)...My daughter yelled at me to stop doing laundry the other day...I told her "someone has to do it", as she watches tv. Of course I hurt myself in the process, but I have clean clothes and towels now. Now I am working on affirmations to manifest a helpful household and abundant help. Thank you notes to the kids might be a really good thing...like, "Thank you so much for all you did yesterday, and thank you for taking out the garbage and cleaning your bathroom today" or "I really appreciate it if you would make sure the laundry in my bathroom gets washed and put away. Thank you so much!" Putting it in writing for my kids has always been better than just saying it to them...otherwise they forget.

Moderators · April 2014

nsttours, so sorry to hear what you are going through. I wonder if you could meet, as a family, with a social worker or other healthcare worker to discuss the situation. It may be helpful in general to be clear about what needs to happen, how you are feeling, and how they could best help.

Never easy with family!!

How exactly to ask for support from others?

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