Scared of dying and losing my mom at the same time

Anonymous · March 2014

I was diagnosed with Stage III IDC at the age of 28. I'm in the middle of neoadjuvant treatment right now. Remaining pretty positive, but I have an aggressive cancer so obviously I'm scared.

My mom was diagnosed with Stage I IDC three weeks after me. She had a lumpectomy and the margins and lymph nodes were clear. She was on track for just radiation/AIs when her pathology report came back Her2+ (borderline) and showed that the tumor was at least moderately aggressive. All of the sudden Herceptin and chemo were on the table.

Now I've had a pretty easy time with the chemo and I'm not too worried about the Herceptin, but my mom has comorbidity issues. She has Type 2 diabetes and her father and aunt both died of congestive heart failure. She's 64. She is in the process of deciding whether she will do chemo, waiting for the results of the FISH retest and oncotype.

So I'm scared that I'm going to progress and die before I've even had a chance to live my life, enjoy life with my fiancee, have my children. And on top of that, I'm scared that if my mom doesn't do chemo, she will die of cancer and if she does, she'll die of complication of diabetes/heart failure. And she's really my best friend after my fiancee. I'll need her as I try to navigate a post-cancer life.

As I said, I keep a positive attitude most of the time. I know we are both tough ladies. But sometimes I can't help but think, "what are the chances that we are both getting out of this alive?"

SallyS70 · March 2014

Dear Bad_At_Usernames, I am sending caring thoughts your way. You are dealing with many emotions. Does your treatment center have nurse navigators and/or a cancer concierge? In my case, these people are listening to my fears and issues and leading me to resources that are helping me to deal with my cancer. I am thinking of your mother also.

encyclias · March 2014

I am so sorry you both have to face the cancer monster at the same time.

I went through A/C chemo, four rounds, last year when I was 64. I am also a Type 2 diabetic. The difference I see is that there is no history of heart conditions in my family and I was carefully tested with a MUGA scan to make sure I didn't have any cardiac problems. However, that concern was for the Adriamycin that I was going to be treated with since it carries a 1% chance of causing heart problems. It would seem logical your mom's MO would choose another chemo drug for her.

Anyhow, I had a very easy time with the chemo, no nausea, no other problems; just fatigue toward the very end.

Good luck to you and your mom. Be sure to ask her MO all these questions, and probably wouldn't hurt to involve her primary doctor in the decisions.

Moiralf · March 2014

Wow, that is a lot to deal with. I would encourage you both to get counselling. Truly it is so helpful to have someone not involved in your daily life to talk to and share fears and tears. They don't judge, they listen and hear you and their feelings are not hurt by your fears. That is the difference from talking to family and friends.

Deal with everything one day at a time, one appt at a time, if necessary, one breath at a time and let the future stay where it belongs, in the future. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, we like to think we can control it and it will be a certain way but that is just not true. Today is all we have, so stay in today and try not to let the fear take you to a place that just doesn't exist. To be blunt that is almost impossible at times to not go to the dark place so don't beat yourself for feeling it, it's normal.

What you said at the end is very true. None of us get out of "this" alive. It is called life and this is yours. It's a really tough place you are in and you need all the help and support you can put around yourself and you mum. Get informed, this site is amazing in the knowledge it contains, both from the site itself and from the most amazing group of women, whom I am certain can answer almost any question put to them.

You do have a more aggressive form of bc but you are early stages and herceptin and other drugs similar to it have proven to be every bit as aggressive at killing cancer cells. Listen to your docs, ask questions until you truly understand what they are intending to do and be proactive in getting whatever tests, scans etc you need to be comfortable in understanding what is happening.

I don't usually post anything in other forums since I am the scary bc woman with stage 4 but I'm 6 years with that dx and I'm doing great. Truly I'm not scary so I hope you dont freak out that I replied.

There is also a thread here under one of the headings for bc women with comorbidity issues. Have you found that? I've never read it since it doesn't affect me but I have seen it pop up in the active thread. It might have some very useful info for your mum.

Stay strong, stay positive and breath deep each day to inhale the glory of each fresh day.

Also screw cancer. Take back your life. never give cancer more of your time and energy than it derserves, which is none.

beatrice00 · March 2014

I had a BMX for breast cancer and then I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. My mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer 4 days after me. She is old and she will end up being stage 3 or 4 after the surgery. I am so worried about her, much more than about me. I used to feel comfort that even if something would happen to me my mom would take care of my little kids. Now that is gone, and I am afraid she may die. I am also terrified what would happen to my kids. It's quite a stressful time. I completely understand how you feel and all I can do is send you hugs.

S3K5 · March 2014

I totally understand what you all going through - I was diagnosed with bone mets last year. My mom was here for 3-4 months to help me. Now, at the age of 75, she has been diagnosed with stage II breast cancer and is her2 postive (3+). Due to her type 2 diabetes and heart condition, she hasn't been offered any further treatments after surgery. I am really scared that without any herceptin, she'll progress very rapidly.

It is really stressful for the whole family.

Desi.

Anonymous · April 2014

Thanks everyone. As an update, my mom isn't doing chemo - her oncotype came back low-risk. Herceptin is still on the table, as her Her2+ is borderline (1st test just under the line, 2nd test just over the line, 3rd test just under the line). I'm halfway through chemo and doing OK - I'm lucky to not have many side effects (aside from being really scared).

Desi and beatrice, I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

JWoo · April 2014

Ladies,

I can't offer much, and am so sorry to hear that your plates are so full. The only advice I can offer is to try your best to stay positive, as it is proven that having a good outlook helps you heal. Enjoy each day as it comes, and love your family as much as you can right now. Seek therapy, and get into any support groups you are able. Look for patient navigator from a local cancer org to assist you, and be prepared for anything that may happen. Both you and your mom should have all possibilities covered, which will let you all concentrate on getting better and beating cancer. You can make it through this, and your sisters here at BCO are here to support you any way we can.

Sending love to you all-

Scared of dying and losing my mom at the same time

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